Rippa filled in for me this/last week. He is kind and generous and far funnier than I could ever hope to be. I'll be back a-reviewing just in time for the New Era Of Smackdown Sucking Dick Starting This Thursday...
Dean asked me to fill in for the week. I taped the show and then got distracted by all the great wrestling I got from Alfredo. Mmm.... Hamada UWF. I finally watched the tape last night (Monday). Already knowing what happened made this a lot easier to get through. Of course, nobody has any patience anymore. Hate World. Revenge Soon.
What Worked Rey Misterio, Jr./Kidman vs. Matt Hardy/Shannon Moore. This was pretty great for two great wrestlers, one fun wrestler and one guy who is the most boring man alive. If I never see a Kidman match again, that will be just fine. I mean, sheesh, wrestle a different fucking match. I guess he did since he didnít take the giant death bump this time. Maybe he was saving it for the PPV. Moore is really great in his role as lackey as he is always making great saves to protect his hero and he can get over goofy shit with some great facials. Like having to be on the end of the nekkid V.1.0 hug. The best segments were Matt vs. Rey and I really hope that that was the feud they were setting up after the Hardy title win. The Version 1.0 logo loads as if they are trying to access our message board. I am also a mark for the guys trying to make weight storyline. Though, Matt stripping to nothing brings back horrible memories of some of those OMEGA trips. Poor poor Applebeeís waitress trying to figure out the best whiskey to serve Tom
I am a simple man. The guy falling off the treadmill commercial entertains me.
All matches should have a Tale of the Tape.
A-Train vs. Chris Benoit has really no reason to be up on this side. But Benoit did about as much as he good to make this passable. There was the fun fight to apply the crossface (despite Albertís comical selling) and I liked the counter into the nasty looking German. Heck, even the roll-up for the flash pin looked good. Plus, I donít think any of us want A-Train matches going longer than about 83 seconds.
Taz was pretty great on calling out Michael Cole when Cole whiffed on the high, hanging curveball that was the ďIím light in my loafersĒ line. God, Cole is the worst Larry Michaels ever.
John Cenaís promos are really spectacular and make me be willing to tolerate him in a match. Sadly, I have gotten the horrible image that I am going to spend the drive up to the Super 8 with Schneider bouncing to a homemade CD worth of Cena raps while he flashes the West Coast hand sign to passing cards and it will be amazingly embarrassing and I will be filled with shame.
The gauntlet match was about exactly what I want to see out of my wrestling matches on free TV. Charlie Haas has improved immensely since he first started out a few years back. Now he is getting big air on suplexes and trying to bring the wrestling on the mat. Hell, Lesnar isnít afraid to be a big bump freak himself Ė especially on the German. I liked the press slam into the F5. Shelton Benjamin has always been a guy who has showed the potential to be really really motherfucking great after a few years of wrestling with great wrestlers. He is already showing that he will sell and sell and sell. You wonít get complaints from me. When he picked a body part (trying to eliminate the finisher), you know Gordon Solie partied in his grave. Then, you the viewer lost your shit over the psychology of Lesnar getting past Benjamin by pinning him with the Angle Slam. I have no problems with the DQ part as you deadbeats should have to pay for something in this life. Or find that friend with the illegal hookup. Fuck, the should have run out of time right when Angle got into the ring and then I would have delusionally believed that Jimmy Garvin beat Ric Flair for the World Title on Sat Night.
What Didnít Work Every time I watch Smackdown, they start with these long meandering promos. The Rock is creepy with his head shaved and he looks like he has the most elaborate Indian Burn. And then he comes out for another 20 minutes. I donít care how great his promos are, I got a five-day-old report to get out.
It wasnít Guitar on a pole. It wasnít even Turkey on a pole. So very pathetic.
I wonder if Dean is going to try to talk the Undertaker onto the 500 based on his ability to open boxes. Jesus Ė there was like a big 50 minute segment of this show that was unwatchable. Did I accidentally tape Raw?
I didnít buy the hype regarding the Shawn Michaels/Bret Hart Iron Man match. I donít buy the hype on Quiet Storm. I donít believe the hype that tells me Uma Thurman is attractive. I didnít buy the Michael Vick MVP hype. I donít buy the Seinfeld ďGreatest TV Show of All TimeĒ hype. I donít believe the hype that Ray isnít Super Dragon. I donít believe the hype on Swingers. And I donít buy the hype that Nathan Jones had any good matches, be it against Shinya Hashimoto or Scott Steiner or whomever. Nope, not one bit.
I remember when Funaki was the 10th guy in those Michinoku Pro 10 mans. Or when he was representing BattlARTS in juniors tournaments. That was the Funaki I liked.
I am sure that in a couple of years, these Guerrero vignettes will be on of those things Dean wishes he had kept on a permanent tape. The Guerreros werenít wrestling and Viva La Raza makes me scared - scared of Konnan as the Salad Tossing Manager.
The Rikishi vs. Johnny the Bull match almost slipped my memory. The press slam was neat but it shouldnít have been through away 45 seconds in the match. Save that shit for the PPV and the blow away match. Chuck Palumbo = worst Tommy Devito ever.
There was a time, when nothing could have trumped the Around the Horn commercials as the biggest piece of crap on TV. Then the Carrot Top/Stephanie McMahon marriage happened. The guy who bought the Steph Ebay photo must have blown through a few socks watching the Steph gets massaged moments.
In regards to the treadmill guy, I think I was just redirecting my rage for the people at the gym who wander up to a machine with 32 towels, drop all their shit off, get the treadmill going and the meander away for like 20 minutes.
Why can't anything important ever happen on Velocity/Heat? Wouldn't that be a good way to raise ratings on those shows, by, you know, actually doing things related to storylines (i.e. things people care about)? I don't need title changes, but man...