OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that RAW and Smackdown were TAPED on one night this week! That's because Vince wanted Monday off to have a BBQ and Tuesday off to fire people who offended him at the BBQ (anyone who DIDN'T check out Steph's ass!) I was the ONLY wrestling journalist in attendance (I know all the others on sight, Meltzer's actually a black guy!) so I can now bring you an EXCLUSIVE report of this taping! And here it is!
The show started with Lilian about to sing the national anthem but then JOHN LAURENITUS interrupted and said "because of PEOPLE POWER there will be no national anthem!" then ripped up the stars and stripes(!) and walked backstage. This won't be on tv it was just for the fans in the arena so we knew to boo him!
The show started with the NXT TAPINGS of course and I was excited to see Maxine live in person and compare her to my mental memories (and mental masturwanks) of Layla and see who is hotter! But instead it was DEREK BATEMAN standing in the ring to open the show and I booed and swatted my gum into his hair. Bateman said "look, just because it's turned out that Johnny Curtis is actually a lot funnier than me and hell of a lot better in the ring than me, doesn't mean I'm useless! I'm still good at standing in the ring talking until Ryback comes out to squash me!" Then Ryback's music started and we all instantly started chanting "GOLDBERG", even kids who weren't born when Goldberg used to wrestle! To counter this, WWE tried to PIPE IN chants of "RYBACK" using pipes! But ironically the sound guy accidently played the taped "GOLDBERG" chants WCW used to play! So Ryback came out to DOUBLE Goldberg chants and looked DOUBLE PISSED and then we could briefly hear Vince shouting "YOU'RE FIRED, FATASS!" at the (fat) sound guy coming from the pipes!
Anyway, Ryback squashed Bateman with his clothesline and his stupid finisher then said "EAT. PRAY. LOVE." Then CURTIS HAWKINS and TYLER REX came out and Curtis acted like he was about to point at Ryback with his cane to set up a handicap tag match main event for next week but instead he pointed at REX with his Cane and Rex pointed at Curtis with his FOOT and Ryback looked confused!
FInally it was time for the NXT main event as TYSON KIDD came out and said "You know what? There might not be many people left on NXT now that Percy Watson's been released (check WWE.com for details!) but I still want to be THE KING of NXT so I challenge ANYONE in the back for that crown!" Then JOHNNY CURTIS came out but WITHOUT Maxine (BOO!) and said "You know what? I always wanted to be the king and maybe I'll make you my SEXY court jester! Let's get weird!" and rubbed himself like Goldust (he's gay now!) And Kidd and Johnny had a great 30 minute match to fill the rest of the show until they hit each other with DOUBLE DROPKICKS and both were down! Then MAXINE ran out (to 5% cheers because she's hot, 5% boos because she's a heel and 90% no reaction because she's on NXT) and hit a MAXINE MOONSAULT from the to rope on both men and WILLIAM REGAL rolled into the ring and counted three! Then Regal said "well done to the new QUEEN OF NXT, God save the Queen...of NXT!" and patted Maxine's ass and pulled a WOMAN'S CROWN out of his pants and gave it to Maxine and she put it on and waved!
Next it was time for RAW! The show started with BROCK LESNAR's music playing unexpectidly and BROCK LESNAR walking out to the ring! Lesnar said "you know what, I'm sick of this crap! I have nothing left to prove! I've shown I'm the best fighter in entertainment by beating John Cena and Triple H's arms! There's only ONE MAN who could possibly be a more entertaining man fighter than me...and it isn't Dan Severn! But that man isn't here tonight anyway...OR IS HE?" Then KEN SHAMROCK'S music played and Ken came out looking as good as ever (but also fifteen years older)! Ken said "you know what first of all SHUT UP! I was in the back visiting some old friends when I heard you talking crap and I decided I couldn't listen to that crap anymore so I came out here to tell you to shut up like I just did! And you might be the man who brings the pain, but i'm the man who brings the danger as I am the world's most dangerous man! You might have had a hard life because of people bullying you because of your uglyass tattoos, but I grew up on the streets! I lived in tin cans growing up! And you might have had Sable when she was past her prime, but I had my sister Ryan when she was in her prime! It's Knuckle Upple time!" Lesnar charged at Shamrock in a rage but Ken gave him a drop toehold into an anklelock and Lesnar tapped out RIGHT AWAY! Lesnar rolled out of the ring and said "I respect you, danger man!" and walked away (NOT SELLING THE ANKLE) without looking back! Then Shamrock did a spinaroonie just for the live audience.
After this Michael Cole got an email from the Anonymous General Manager(!) and for some reason there was a piece of paper in the GM laptop (must have a printer in there!) which he read from. "I can now officially announced that the previous segment FULFILLED Brock Lesnar's contractual obligations to the WWE and he will NEVER be seen again. We would like to thank Brock Lesnar for doing everything that was asked of him after he refused to do all the previous things we'd asked of him. Oh, and Paul Heyman's gone too." And sat down again. So Triple's arm won't get its win back!
Next up, John Lauraninetits came out (HEAVILY booed for his earlier flag antics!) and announced that John Cena will face Lord Tensai WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK tonight and up next yet another match between Kingston/Truth and Swagger/Ziggler since he can't think of anything else for them to do!
Kingston/Truth versus Swagger/Ziggler - Kingston and Truth were dominating with DOUBLE DROPKICKS until Vickie grabbed the mic and said "EXCUSE ME! Is the only reason the two of you are a tag team because you're both BLACK?" Then Kingston and Truth stared at each other for a long moment and deep down inside they both knew this was true and while they were distracted Swagger and Ziggler rolled them up for the double pin and became the new champions! Then Vickie said "ha, my plan worked!" and did a crotch chop but with her ass instead of her crotch!
Backstage AW was shown standing wtaching the monitor with Primo, Epico, Rosa (in a neck brace because she was in a car crash BUT WHO WAS THE OTHER DRIVER?!), Mason Ryan, Drew McIntyre, the debut of SETH ROLLINS and Maxine (without her crown because even though NXT is taped first it is actually aired AFTER RAW, just a little known fact for you!) Then Primo said "Uhh, how many more weeks are we going to just stand here watching monitors instead of wrestling in matches?" and AW said "EIGHT MORE WEEKS" and Primo looked sad.
EVE came out to the ring looking SEXY and EVIL in her glasses and everyone chanted "hoeski" because they don't respect women like I do (I chanted "HOTSKI!") Eve said "eww, stop looking at my hot body and hot glasses, I'll have security PEPPER SPRAY the eyes of anyone who looks at me!" Then security PEPPER SPRAYED a gay who was sitting next to me (I think he was a local indy worker plant though as he had "TOUGH TOM" tattooed on his thighs!) Then KELLY KELLY came out to a big pop and more "hotski" chants (not by me, I find her bland) and said "Eve, what happened to you Eve, you used to be cool, but now you're a bitch, did you catch bitchiness from one of the many cocks you've had up you?" Then Eve said "hang on, I need to use hairspray" and Kelly understood because even women who hate each other understand that sometimes you have to use hairspray, but then Eve SPRAYED the hair spray right in Kelly's eyes and said "oh hang on, better not get PEPPER in my hair, tee hee!" and did a sexy walk away from the ring! This is the start of a BLIND KELLY angle where she will date one of the USOs but accidentally sleep with the other!
CHRISTIAN came out to the ring to big boos even though he was acting like a face because none of us trusted him because he's a creepy little bastard! And Christian said "No, I've changed, I'm good now, I love you peeps!" and did the Peeps Salute but we thought it was a sarcastic salute and booed him! Then he ran over to a woman with a baby in the front row and said "see, I'm nice!" and started frantically KISSING the baby to prove it! But the mother SLAPPED him because it was a bit creepy (and a little bastardy!) and while Christian was reeling from that CODY RHODES suddenly ran down the barricade and gave him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody rolled Chrstian back into the ring and said "I'm having my rematch RIGHT NOW!" and the bell rang and he bent down to pick up Christian...and Christian rolled him up for the three! Then we all cheered Christian (even the mother!) because we all respect a guy who can win in three seconds! Then Cody said "You know what? I QUIT!" and took off his boots and threw them in the crowd (narrowly missing the baby!) and walked away.
CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan versus Kane triple threat non title match winner gets to pick the stipulations at No Way Out - This was set up by Lilian announcing it! Before the match, Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents. So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!" And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived! While they were high fiving, HORNSWOGGLE came out from under the ring with a little mini steel chair (aww, so cute!) and hit Kane with it! Kane went NUTS and gave Bryan and Punk THREE double chokeslams for the win! Then he said "at No Way Out it will be the three of us...in a triple threat CHAIR ON A POLE MATCH! HA HA HA!"
Backstage, Santino stole a slice of Ricardo Rodriguez's pizza and a wacky chase begun!
The Miz versus Brodus Clay again - Before the match The Miz declared "if I can't beat Brodus Clay tonight I am LEAVING the WWE FOREVER to film The Marine 3 as GI Joe has been pushed back a year and this means The Marine 3 can be the big summer blockbuster! Don't worry, we can get it finished in a month!" But then Brodus LAY DOWN to let The Miz pin him as he didn't want The Marine 3 to ever get made! But then Miz gave Brodus a knee to the balls for the DQ because he REALLY WANTS to become the Mizrine! Then Cameron and Naomi sang the "na na na goodbye" song like SOUL SINGERS would and Miz moonwalked up the stage and saluted the fans like a marine and some people actually cheered and some even cried as they realised him much they will miss The Miz.
Backstage Vince McMahon told The Miz that Drew McIntyre was going to be The Marine (The McMarine!) instead and Miz was going to FCW.
John Cena with one hand tied behind his back versus Lord Tensai - Big Johnny came out with handcuffs and ORDERED Cena to handcuff one hand behind his back. Cena then grabbed JOHNNY'S hand and handcuffed it to Cena's hand with Cena's back facing Johnny! Then Cena said "that's right, you said I had to have one hand hancuffed behind my back...but you never said WHOSE hand! I obeyed the letter of the law, sucker!" Then Lord Tensai spat mist on his own hand (he stole this from Japanese legend Giant Baby by the way!) and went for the claw on Cena but Cena DUCKED and PULLED Big Johnny into the claw using the handcuffs and Big Johnny tapped out right away! But then Lilian announced "as Big Johnny was handcuffed to John Cena he therefore counts as a part of Cena's body and therefore the winner by tapout...LORD TENSAI!" to keep Lord Tensai's important winning streak going!
Next it was time for Smackdown! John Laughingninetits came out to open the show (NOT selling the claw!) and said "Tonight was supposed to see an obvious main event of Randy Orton and Shameus verus Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho. However this past week at a show in Brazil Chris Jericho disgraced himself by humping the Brazilain flag, farting on the Brazilian flag, humping the Brazilian flag again, smelling his own crotch and saying "smells like fart, baby!", and mistaking a real cop for a local indy wrestler dressed as a cop and attempting to give him a Codebreaker and falling on his ass. What kind of a man would do that to a flag!? As a result I have supsended Jericho for SIX MONTHS and his place will be taken by a mystery opponent tonight. People Power!"
Backstage, Ricardo finally caught Santino (remember this will air days later so it will look Ricardo was chasing Santino for four days!) and said "eww, I don't want my pizza now!" and Santino said "how about you be my NEW TAG PARTNER instead?" and Ricardo said "okay!" and they hugged!
Santino and Ricardo versus Darren Young and Titus O'Neil - Santino and Ricardo beat the promising young team in two minuts with their finisher which is Santino hitting the Cobra at the same time as Ricardo hits a wedgie! Then after the match Ricardo looked at Santino's ass and WINKED to the fans and this is the start of a new gay angle that will finally get the WWE another GLAAD award like Billy and Chuck did!
Aksanka and Antonio came out and Aksanka said "haha, I love money and sex! And with Teddy Long the only thing of his I SUCKED...was money out of his wallet! Haha!" Then Teddy interrupted and said "you konw what I'm sick of this crap, I went out and found me a HERO to take out Antonio for me!" and the Hurricane's old music played and CHRIS HERO came out dressed as a super hiro (mask, cape, underpants over his tights!) This new character is because Vince finally saw the Christopher Reeve Superman and thinks superheros are cool now! Hero hit a roaring elbow RIGHT AWAY to pin Antonio! Then Teddy said "Haha, looks like you have no one to buy you crotchless panties now, Aksanka!" But then Aksanka said "Ooooh, you are MY hero, Chris!" and he smiled and gave Teddy a roaring eblow and Aksanka stood on Teddy's back to reach Chris Hero's mouth and make out with him!
Next up LAYLA came out to the ring to the biggest pop yet! Layla said "Cheerio! You know what I've beaten every Diva now and maybe all the other Divas SUCK except for me!" This was the very start of her coming HEEL TURN but the fans cheered anyway becuase it's true...until MAXINE (WITH crown as this show airs after NXT!) came out and said "not QUITE every Diva!" Then Layla said "oh come on, Maxine, you might be Queen of NXT but I'm English and I know a thing or two about Queens and I am the REAL QUEEN of arse-kicking!" THen Maxine said "stop that, don't be nasty to me, that's bad KARMA for you!" Then Layla looked around scared and said "Karma? WHERE!" Then Maxine giggled (and it was a sexy giggle!) and said "not here anyway, creative has nothing for her!" Then Layla and Maxine both started laughing together! But when Maxine turned her back, Layla grabbed her hair (A HEEL MOVE) and gave her the LAYOUT and said "let that be a warning to you, missy!" And this left the fans confused, not just because of Layla's heelish tendencies but also because Maxine might actually be HOTTER than Layla and I could see men all around me trying to work out who was hotter, doing masturwank mathematics in their heads to calculate who they should cheer!
Damien Shadow versus Alex Riley - Damien won in eight seconds with his move then said "only an EDUCATED MAN could defeat a speciman such as I!" and Booker T stood up and said "I'd like to test that theory, SUCKAAAAAA!" So that's another match for No Way Out!
Backstage CM Punk was hanging out with AJ and he said "boy, I'm still hurting from all those chokeslams, I could do with a massage right now!" and AJ said "close your eyes and you'll get a BIG surprise!" so Punk closed his eyes and then there was a close up on his face as he said "oooh, ooooooooh yeah, that feels soooooo good, what a sensual massage!" and was making sex faces...but then the camera pulled back to show THE GREAT KHALI was the one giving the massage as AJ stood to the side smiling!
Big Show versus Zach Ryder - Ryder grabbed the mic and said "Big Bro, I know you aren't really evil, I think big Johnny HYPNOTISED you into punching Cena! You can prove you're not hypnotised by NOT punching my annoying face right now!" Then Big Show punched his annoying face.
Before the MAIN EVENT Big Johnny came out and said "and here is the mystery man...SIN CARA!" Sin Cara came out and but right away CODY RHODES (with new GREEN boots) jumped off the Titan Tron giving him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody took Sin Cara's mask and said "I AM the new Sin Cara because I will make people pay for their SINS and I don't CARE-A about anyone!"
Randy Orton and Shameus versus Alberto Del Rio and Cody "Sin Cara" Rhodes - They had a NORMAL MATCH until TED DEBIASE ran in wearing Cody's old face mask for some reason and headbutted Orton and said "LEGACY is back!" Then Cody said "no it's not!" and they started fighting. Then Del Rio pinned a distracted Sheamus with the BACKSTABBER! Should be a great No Way Out!
Can't wait to see it all again on tv!
I'll never ever ever be back ever again with more Hot Newz, bye forever see you then!
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball
Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents. So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!" And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived!
It's great that between Tough Enough and NXT there are two WWE shows right now that have narratives which respectively anchor around how Stone Cold and William Regal say excellent things on a constant basis. Jeremiah and Husky Harris future tag champs.