The RAW Satire that is almost a year in the making has finally arrived! Last year at around WrestleMania, I asked you all to vote for your favorite story for me to do a wrestling parody of, and Lord of the Rings won by a narrow margin. However, due to my graduation, unemployment issues and various other life events, I was unable to complete it in
what would be considered a “timely manner.” Instead, I offered up 30 weeks of “Lance and Rob Are Friends” to cover for myself.
Now, however, after ten months, three revisions, one rewriting and many cans of soda, I present to you Part One in a planned three-part series over the next few months. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it.
Addendum For My Fans at The-W.com: I have no idea how to do Wingdings in this forum. So...uh...Just pretend. It's only the one line anyway.
RAW SATIRE PRESENTS… A MATT HOCKING ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTION…
The Lord of the Ring The Fellowship of the Reign
The disembodied voice of Stephanie McMahon rings out like a flock of laryngitic bats.
It is SO great to be in this story. My narration is the best narration in the whole world. What? You want me to read this crap? Ugh. Fine.
The wrestling world is changing. No longer can the WWE sit back and rest on it’s laurels. Laurels? What the hell does that— all right, all right. The mistakes of the past are lost, and management is doomed to repeat them.
Madison Square Garden, Night.
It began with the creation of the Title belts At a tournament in Rio. Three title reigns were granted to people with family connections Whose skill was not so much important as to whom they were related.
Stephanie McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Randy Orton hold their titles aloft.
Seven title reigns were given to the mid-carders Who really didn’t deserve them, but it was a nice gesture.
Tito Santana, Greg Valentine, Honky Tonk Man, Rick Rude, The Mountie, Ricky Steamboat and Arn Anderson try to stop from looking really disappointed as the hold up their mid-card titles.
And nine reigns were given to the main eventers Who above all else desired more title reigns.
Hulk Hogan, Vader, Sid, The Warrior, Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Dusty Rhodes, Scott Steiner and DDP all knock each other out with simultaneous chair shots as they try to be in the center of the picture.
But all of them were deceived For in the land of Stamford In the fires of the Titan Towers The Evil Lord Vince forged another title. One by one the territories fell to the power of McMahon But some resisted.
Shots of Nitro Girls Spice and Tygress air as Tony Schiavoni and Stevie Ray welcome us to a NEW DAY FOR WCW.
At last the armies of WCW and ECW marched against the WWF And on Mondays and Fridays after Rollerjam they fought for freedom.
New WCW Owner Shane McMahon leads a charge of chair-wielding luchadores down the ramp to fight off WWF superstars like Duke “The Dumpster” Droese and Friar Ferguson.
Victory was near, But the power of my daddy could not be undone.
Vince McMahon begins offering the luchadores contracts to appear on Los Superastros and soon they all work for him. Vince nails Randy Savage with a chair. Savage yells for Sting to “Snap into a Slim Jim, Oooh Yeah!” in slow motion. Sting drops down from the ceiling and hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Vince. Sting wins the WWF Title! Shane tells Sting to throw the belt in the trash can and come back to WCW, but Sting hits Bischoff with a baseball bat and runs off with The Nation. SHOCKING SWERVE~!
Dave Meltzer: Ok, that doesn’t even make any sense. Bryan Alvarez: What? Dave: I mean, Sting never joined the Nation. Nor did he ever win the WWF title. Plus, Shane never even really owned WCW. I find this story to be flawed. Bryan: Are you just pissed that he didn’t include any MMA stuff? Dave: A little. Maybe Bob Sapp could be the Balrog. Bryan: Oh yeah, Dave, that’d be so much cooler. Dave: What? Bryan: Nothing, nothing. Just let Stephanie monologue, would you? Dave: Fine.
After an ambush by the dastardly nWo, The title was thrown off a bridge into a river. Where it came upon a new champion.
Bret Hart: My precious!
But something happened, then, that Bret did not expect.
Bret eats a Superkick and Shawn Michaels runs off with the title. Then Goldberg comes by and kicks Bret again for good measure.
Bret: Aw, DAMMIT!
Soon the time will come, When the fate of the wrestling world, Will be in the smallest of hands. My throat hurts.
Volume I Chapter One “In Which Chris Benoit answers the Immortal Question ‘So You Want to Be a Hobbit?’”
We open on Smackdown, the sun is shining, the seats are packed, and a limo is pulling up to the entrance. Inside the limo is Ric Flair, the crazy old man. Flair sees a familiar face and rolls down his window.
Flair: WOOO! Hey, Benoit! Benoit: Naitch? Naitch is that you? What are you doing on Smackdown? Flair: I’ve come to take your old ladies on a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy! WOOO! Benoit: Oh yeah? Well, DIVING HEADBUTT!
Benoit jumps off a nearby semi and falls through the limo’s sunroof.
Benoit: Ow. Flair: You should really be more careful; you might have re-broken your neck. Benoit: You’re here for Shawn Michael’s retirement party, aren’t you? Flair: Uh… who? Benoit: HBK? The Show Stopper? The Main Event? Flair: Triple H? Benoit: Whatever, old man. I’m going to go find out what this is all aboot.
Benoit gets out and goes over to catering, Flair walks over to Shawn Michaels’ dressing room.
HBK: Go away! Flair: Nobody says that to the NAITCHA BOY! WOOOOO!
Flair begins chopping at the door.
HBK: Ric? Geez. Get in here. What the hell are you doing, man? Flair: Stylin’ and pro— HBK: I mean here. What are you doing here? Flair: I heard you were retiring, fat boy. I wanted to make sure you didn’t leave with WOO the belt. HBK: That’s, hehehe… that’s ridiculous. I’d never leave with the— Flair: What’s that behind your back? HBK: The, uh… that’s the belt. I was about to… leave with it. Flair: Kid, you’ve got to leave it with Chris BY GOD Benoit. HBK: Benoit? Couldn’t I just, you know, drop it to Hardcore Holly or something? Flair: No! Benoit’s your successor now. Hey, what are you doing on Smackdown, anyway? HBK: Uh… shut up. Flair: Ok!
Dave: Wait wait WAIT! He can’t just blow this off like that. It’s a major continuity gaff. Bryan: SHHHHH! I’m trying to watch. Dave: But Shawn Michaels was never on Sma— Bryan: The less said, the better. Now shove it.
Later that night....
Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside! Tazz: It’s been rocketbustas here tonight, Cole. A cruiserweight title match, Ric Flair showing up in that busted up limo, and we STILL haven’t heard from Shawn Michaels. Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz… at ringside.
The lights dim as Shawn Michaels enters to “Sexy Boy” for the very last time. The Smackdown locker room empties as Shawn wipes away tears. Suddenly, as Ric Flair is making his entrance to say goodbye to his fellow icon, Ultimo Dragon’s pyro goes off.
Benoit: Look out, Shawn! It’s Ultimo Dragon! HBK: Don’t be ridiculous, Ultimo Dragon hasn’t wrestled on this show for months.
Flair hops off the entrance ramp and marches over to the pyro stand where he finds Eddie and Chavo.
Flair: Eddie, Chavo, WOO! What has the Naitcha Boy told you about setting off pyro? Eddie: Uh… nothing? Chavo: Yeah. Quit your crying, holmes. Eddie: Besides, it was his idea, esse. Chavo: My— my idea? You’re the uncle here, holmes.
Flair makes Eddie and Chavo go backstage and wash his limo.
HBK: Ehem. Like I was sayin’ before I got so rudely interrupted, I’d like to thank you all for coming out here tonight. From Shannon Moore to the Big Show, from Funaki to Bradshaw. Bashams and Scotty. It means a lot that you guys would come out here. I love wrestling, but I’ve been doing it for so long, that I lost my damn smile again. So, without further ado....
Shawn pulls out the World Title and puts it on. The lights in the arena turn off. When they turn back on, Shawn Michaels is gone. The Undertaker shakes his head. He doesn’t need no belt to have supernatural powers. Everyone scatters looking through the crowd for any sign of Shawn Michaels. Meanwhile, in HBK's dressing room....
Flair: Shawn! Shawn, I know you’re in here! Come on, out! HBK: Wasn’t that crazy! Hahaha! I wonder how long it’ll take for them to come looking for me back here. Flair: This is WRESTLING, Shawn. You’ve got at least until next week on Smackdown. HBK: True that. Well, I’m off. Tell Benoit I said goodbye. Flair: What about the belt? You can’t retire with the belt! It would be disputed again! HBK: Oh… yeah. Right. I dunno. It’s my last title. It’s precious to me. Flair: It’s been called that before, but not by you, fat boy! Woo! HBK: I’m not fat. And I’m certainly not Bret. How the hell do you know these things anyway? Flair: I bought… woo… The Heart Break Hobbit on DVD. HBK: Really? Wow. That’s some bit of product placement you’ve done there. Well, I’m off.
Flair chops Shawn.
HBK: OW! All right. All right. Geez. I’ll just set it on the ground here and… walk slowly away. So much for e-Baying it.
The next week on Smackdown....
Benoit: Shawn! Shawn, are you in here? Flair: mumblemumble fatboywoooldladyspacemountainstyleprofile grumblegrumble. Benoit: Ric, what are you doing? Flair: Me? Oh, just mumbling to myself. Benoit: Oh. Have you seen Shawn? Flair: You just missed him. By a week. He flew off in his private jet, just like any jet flyin’, limo ridin’, whee— Benoit: I get it, I get it. Flair: Are you ever going to let me finish that catchphrase? Benoit: No. Flair: Fair enough. Shawn left you his locker room. Oh, and his title belt. It’s in your bag. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Benoit: Bradshaw always poops in there; he’s sure to find it. Flair: Dammit. All right. New plan. Keep it in this empty case marked “Best of Giant Gonzalez Vol 1.” Nobody will look for it there. Benoit: Where the hell are you going? Flair: I’m going to take your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO! Benoit: I mean, really. Flair: Oh. I’m going to the Internet. To research the history of that belt you have. Benoit: Weren’t you a former Wor— Flair: STUFF IT! Benoit: Yes, sir.
Volume I Chapter TWO “In Which The Plot Is Set In Motion”
Somewhere deep in the bowels of Titan Towers, a voice screams out in agony....
Hart: Who me? Voice: Yes, you-uh. Hart: Couldn’t be. Voice: Then WHO-uh? Hart: Jim Neidhart? Voice: No. Not, “Who-uh.” “Who”… uh? Hart: Oh. Benoit?
Nine figures cloaked in “Big Evil” hoodies ride out on motorcycles. The one with the black and white boas takes the lead.
Meanwhile, at a Raleigh area café, “Teh Intarn3t,” Ric Flair sits at a computer.
Flair: It says here that I’m the greatest wrestler alive today! WOO! They even saw that match that I had with that broomstick. Café Worker: Sir, we’re closing in five minutes. Flair: Crap! Stop wasting your time searching for yourself and looking at Nitro Girls porn, Naitch, this is serious.
Flair searches for “WWE precious Title WWF WCW ECW OMG Google” on Google. 117,215 matches. Flair begins to quickly go through them while mumbling to himself.
Flair: Hmm… Sting’s blog. It seems that Sting thought that the title would give him great booking power. Power that he could pass on to his children. Children? Anyway… something about hellfire and brimstone, yaddayaddayadda precious blah bla bla.... Café Worker: Sir! Flair: What? Café Worker: We’re closed. Get off the computer. Flair: Get off! GET OFF? I’ll show your old lady how to get off, woo! Café Worker: That’s it. I’m calling the cops. Flair: All right. All right. I’m leaving. Café Worker: Great. That’ll be $34.58. Flair: WHAT?
Flair begins stripping down and running around the café. The police come and drag him away.
Meanwhile, on his way to Smackdown, Funaki’s rental is surrounded by hooded riders.
Funaki: Want autograph from numba one announcer? Rider: Smackdown. Benoit. Dude. Funaki: Smackdown! Yes! Up ahead.
The riders drive ahead of him. Later, in the Smackdown Locker Room in Des Moines, Iowa....
Benoit: Arr… I wish they would change my gimmick to be a pirate. Arr. Flair: Woo! Benoit: AH! What are you doing here? Flair: Where’s the belt? Benoit: It’s over there. Why?
Flair throws his hands up and down, and the box lights on fire.
Benoit: What are you doing?
Benoit grabs a fire extinguisher, but when it doesn’t work, he points it at himself and is blinded by the gas. Flair beats down the flames with an old robe.
Benoit: Arg! Flair: Benoit! BENOIT! Pick up the belt. Benoit: It was just on fire. Flair: Don’t worry, it’s quite cool. Benoit: AAAAAH! OW OW OW! Flair: Stupid bastard. Tell me, does the belt say anything? Benoit: Owwww. Yeah. World Heavyweight Championship. Flair: Whew. Benoit: Wait a minute. There’s some other lettering here, but I can’t read it. Flair: That’s because it’s in Wingdings, a language that is never to be spoken. Benoit: Whatever.
Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
? What does that ev— Flair: NONONO! Don’t speak that foul language here! It’s a name. Whose name I do not yet know. What I do know is that it is his belt. He controls it. And, woo, by god, it’s the one true world title. Benoit: The Undisputed Title? Flair: One and the same. Benoit: Well, nobody would ever suspect me of having THAT! Flair: What’s that on the table? Benoit: What? That peanut butter cookie I took from catering? Flair: No! That was VINCE BY GOD MCMAHON’S cookie, you idiot! Benoit: They can’t possibly know— Flair: —unless some shifty Canadian ratted you out. Then the riders would know. Benoit: To come to… S… S… Smackdown? Flair: Damn skippy!
At the entrance to the parking lot.
Billy Kidman: What do you—
The rider hits a big boot and a leg drop on Kidman, killing him instantly.
Rider: I told you you’d never draw, brother. Let’s ride.
Back in the locker room....
Benoit: You take the belt! Flair: No. No! Well, okay—NO! I’m too old WOO! TO OLD FOR THE BELT! Benoit: I’m not that young either, you know. Flair: Stuff it! Benoit: Okay. But what are we going to do? They’ll find us. Flair: Find you, you mean. I’m out of this gig. Benoit: They’ll get the title! If RAW controls the Undisputed title, we’ll all die! Flair: Hmm… I’ve got it! There’s an Indy show in a bar in Milwaukee. I’ll meet you there. I’m going to see if I can’t get somebody higher up on the booking chart to read that inscription for me. Bring the belt and meet me at that show. Benoit: All right.
Suddenly, Flair runs over to the closet and pulls it open and begins chopping away at the person inside.
Dreamer: Ow! OWWW! Flair: Tommy Dreamer! What are you doing here, fat boy? Dreamer: I got sent down to OVW. I was hoping that I could mop floors here on Smackdown for a while. Maybe work my way back up to jobbing to Orlando Jordan? Flair: What did you hear? Dreamer: Something about The Undisputed Title, Wingdings and, uh… Milwaukee. Flair: You’re an idiot. Dreamer: Listen, Chris, if you want me to go along, I swing a mean kendo stick and I know a great strip club that Beulah used to work at on the way. Flair: NO STRIP CLUBS! Benoit and Dreamer: Why? Flair: We’re trying to hurry! And besides, I’m a prick. WOO! Benoit: When do we set out? Flair: Right now!
To be continued....
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
Since I am an unrepentant J.R.R. Tolkien addict, I will attempt to identify everyone in the story by their roles in the trilogy...
Frodo Baggins: Chris Benoit Samwise Gamgee: Tommy Dreamer Merry Brandybuck & Peregrin Took: Eddie & Chavo Guerrero Gandalf the Grey: Ric Flair Bilbo Baggins: Shawn Michaels Gollum/Smeagol: Bret Hart Sauron: Triple H Sauron's Physical Embodiment: Vince McMahon Galadriel: Stephanie McMahon Elrond: Shane McMahon Cirdan: Randy Orton Elendil: Randy Savage Isildur: Sting The Witch King of Angmar: Hulk Hogan Other Nazgul: Vader, Sid, Warrior, Nash, Luger, Dusty, Steiner, DDP Dwarf Kings: Santana, Valentine, HTM, Rude, Mountie, Steamboat, Arn That Hobbit Who Tells the Nazgul Where Hobbiton Is: Funaki That Other Hobbit Who Gets His Head Chopped Off: Billy Kidman
I can't tell the two Guerreros apart yet, but I always thought Merry was the smarter of the two misfit heroes (he's certainly less accident-prone, of course), so until Matt proves me wrong, Eddie is Merry and Chavo is Pippin. I'm a little upset you opted to cast Benoit as Frodo rather than Jericho, but if Jericho ends up being Aragorn, all will be forgiven.
And one little nitpick: Hart wouldn't have known to say Benoit because he hadn't met him to that point - he would have said: "Smackdown!... Michaels!..." But ignore that...
Wonderful, hilarious stuff that's going to require a hell of a lot more than three parts. Take as much time as you want, Matt, but don't sell the story short - us Tolkien fans demand it!
I agree, good column. I also agree with cubsfan that it'll be sad when the Booker/Heat/Francesca Fiore/Bruno Puntz-Jones theme finally disappears. It will be a real shame...somehow, it just fits Booker no matter what kind of angle he's in.