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The W - Guest Columns - RAW Satire is About To Die (Satire 7/19)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 26 days
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Optimus Prime battled the Decepticons in an epic war. Wait…No…that didn’t happen…Did it? Damn…I don’t even fricking remember. DIVA SEARCH 2004! Really heated up! And the truth about Lita and Kane’s love affair was revealed, so will they have sex again…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey Hey Hey it’s Triple H!! He’s out to talk about stuff, so let’s listen in!

HHH: Ahahahahahaha! Did you see last week when I beat up Eugene, man that was the shiznit, dudes, I mean he totally quit the wrestling business to go blog about how I’m holding him down, I mean you can’t write stuff this good folks, and that’s great news because our writing staff consists of Stephanie, Nibblins, Comic Book Guy, and the guy who used to write the closing diary entries on Dougie Howser, no crap, we found him in a dumpster outside Scott Hall’s box and I could have sworn I saw ALF at one of our production meetings but I was pretty blitzed on Sunny Delight and Snausages, so I could have been way off and anyway what the hell was I trying to say again, oh right, EUGENE-UH, I hate you-uh and I hope you’re watching with your mom, because I hear that she’s a real hottie and I hope you’ll send me some jpegs of her, you’ve got my e-mail buddy…er…I mean you’re STUPID-UH!

Eric Bischoff wanders out.

EB: Triple H, I’m booking you and Chris Benoit in an Iron Man Match next week.
HHH: Oh, snap. Really, dude? Have you seen me wrestle lately? There’s no way I’m going an hour.
EB: Oh, come on. It can be all OMG CHINLOCKS~! like that Angle/Lesnar crapfest.
HHH: Hmmm…when you put it that way…Maybe I could do 45 minutes of working the knee.
EB: Plus, we wouldn’t have to book anything for…like a whole hour.
HHH: Oh man, this is going to be great. Plan for ten minute Teddy Grahams breaks too.
EB: I realize now the meaning of friendship. Hunter and I are like two penguins who eat cats….
HHH: What the hell are you talking about?
EB: I dunno…it was in my script.

Here’s…uh…William Regal, Vampire in Disguise.

WR: You chaps are have entered the William Regal Whipping Zone!!
HHH: Woah, woah woah. Hold on, William. We’re still trying to sort out this penguins thing.
WR: Well, hurry it up. I’m to be beating you now.
HHH: Man…Cat eating? Maybe Alf IS on the booking team?
EB: Which means….
HHH: Oh, god! NIBBLINS!!

HHH goes running to the back. Regal looks on depressed. He throws a punch at Lillian Garcia. Then Bischoff has security remove him before he starts sucking Val Venis’ blood.

(ads)

Hey! Some Other Promotion has Jeff Hardy. It’s so odd to watch him blow spots somewhere else.

Tajiri (w/ Rhyno) v. Sylvain Grenier (w/ Rob Conway)

Tajiri gets the crowd to chant “USA.” Well, hell. Now I can’t make the joke everybody always makes about the crowd chanting “USA” at a face that is from another country. Rhyno and Conway run around the ring for a while Tajiri and Grenier share hair care tips. Then Tajiri kicks Grenier in the face and pulls his tights. Isn’t Tajiri supposed to be the face? This match has only succeeded in getting me very confused.

Go see a WWE House Show or you’ll make Edge cry.

(ads)

Here’s Chris Jericho on behalf of DIVA SEARCH 2004!!!~!

CJ: HaHA! I can’t believe you fricking put me out here for this crap. What the hell did I do?
Twin #1: TeeHee, are we the winner yet?
Twin #2: A winner is us?
CJ: Holy crap! Girls?!
MT: My Canadian brother, help a sister out. Help Mountina get her man.
CJ: Uh…No. Our next contestant is…Lance Storm?
LS: Shhhh!
CJ: Man, I remember when we were in the Thrillseekers together.
LS: Hehehe…yeah.
CJ: Damn. This wrestling thing didn’t really work out for us, huh?
LS: I guess not. I’m Halle Berry now.
CJ: Movin’ on up. Quick, everybody try to find Waldo in Eric Bischoff’s office.

The Divas begin riffling through Eric’s personal possessions.

LS: You know, I always throught of Eric more as a “briefs man”.
CJ: Keep looking! Maybe you’ll find something! Check under the carpet! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
JM: Can I go back to Smackdown?
CJ: No way.
JM: Oh!
Twin #1: I found a credit card!
Twin #2: I found $843 in ones!
Token Black Girl: You’re stupid. Hey! I found a dead body!
CJ: That’s great. This segment sucks, but at least Vince has to pay like a trillion dollars to fix up this room.

Actually, what Chris Jericho doesn’t know is that Vince McMahon has a special promotion set up.

Paige Davis: Hi, I’m Paige Davis and Welcome to Trading Spaces. Smackdown General Manager Kurt Angle needs remodeling badly after his assistant Luther Reigns was thrown through his office’s wall. Meanwhile, RAW General Manager Eric Bischoff is in desperate need of our help after his office was destroyed by a wayward herd of out of work actresses and models.
EB: Nice Rack, bitchcakes.
PD: So we’re giving these two teams $1,000 to fix up each other’s rooms, the help of designers Hildi Santos Tomas and Frank Bielec and carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor.

Day 1…Kurt Angle’s Room, Paint Reveal.

HST: Screw Paint. We’re covering this whole room in feather boas.
EB: We’re huh?
HST: Pink feather boas. I really like that this wall was taken out. It makes the room much more spacey. You can stop rebuilding it.
RVD: Oh. Damn.
JC: Hey, Eric, it’s me! The Coach!
EB: This is going to be a long day.

Eric Bischoff’s Room, Paint Reveal.

KA: So let me get this straight….
FB: Yes….
KA: You’re maried?
FB: Yes.
KA: You?
FB: Sigh…Yes.
KA: Married?

Carpenter’s Tent….

HST: Amy Wynn, I want you to hang 3,000 Disco Balls from the ceiling.
AWP: Tell me you’re kidding.
HST: Come on! It’s hip and modern.

Eric Bischoff’s Room

FB: AAAAAAARGGH!
KA: I’m not releasing the ankle lock until you tell me the truth.
FB: AAAAAARGH!
Luther: I hope this lime stuff is primer.

Day 2.

Eric Bischoff Reveal….

PD: Ok, Eric, open your eyes!
EB: It’s…uh…lime green? And…they didn’t fix up the room at all. Is…is that blood?
PD: So what do you think?
EB: Eh…Coulda been worse.

Kurt Angle Reveal….

PD: Kurt, you can open your eyes.
KA: Feathers?
PD: What do you think?
KA: (beep)ing FEATHERS?! WHAT THE IS THIS (beep)?!?!?!
PD: Uh….Sorry?
KA: Where is that carpenter chick. She’s from Pennsylvania. I bet I could hit that (beep)!

Bischoff runs in and starts brawling with Angle.

PD: Thank you for joining us. Tune in next week for another episodes of Trading Spaces!

EB: What the hell are you kids doing?!
TBG: We’re like totally looking for Eugene.
EB: Eugene doesn’t live here anymore.
RVD: Pffffhahahaha…I LOVE THAT MOVIE!
Twin #2: Have you seen Waldo?
EB: WALDO?! Chris Jericho had you in here looking for WALDO?! ARG! Get out! GET OUT!!



EB: What the hell?
Waldo: You couch cushions smell like ass. I’m going to go have me a smoke.

(ads)

Tyson Tomko (w/ Trish Stratus) v. The Hurricane (w/ My Darling Stacy)

Uh…Exactly what happened in that last segment? Stacy comes out and shows her ass to everyone. Merry Christmas everybody. Then Trish punches Stacy in the stomach with her cast. Why attack Stacy? It’s not like she’s a threat to the division. Go punch Lita in the stomach with your cast. Tyson gets the pin by taping Hurricane in the face with his foot. That’s Hurricane’s weakness! Supervillains take note! Then Rosey comes out…but he’s not dressed like Suga Rosey…Wow…that’s crazy go nuts. Instead he’s dressed like…uh…a Denver Broncos Float? I don’t get it.

HHH, Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” are wandering around in backstage.

HHH: Hey guys. I read your book, Ric!
RF: What did you think of it?
HHH: It ranks right up there with the last book I read.
DBD: Which one was THAT?
HHH: The novelization of Glitter.
RF: Why you…I’m gonna take your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO!
DBD: This is my home TOWN!

(ads)

Ric Flair’s Book: Just as good as the Glitter novel. The Glitter novel hates on Bret Hart too.

Chris Benoit v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Dammit, Dave. I don’t care if you ARE in your hometown. Posing is NOT cool. I don’t care if your friends ARE doing it. Benoit keeps trying to take Dave down, but it’s like J.R. says, Dave’s dictionary has given him a mastery of English. Benoit puts the Crossface on Dave outside the ring to the jeers of the crowd. Wow. A pro-Batista crowd. That’s…weak, man. Dave poses and the crowd goes nuts. This is like some seriously Canadian crowd action here, except they’d be all OMG BENOIT~!. Then Dave ties Benoit up and kicks him in the face. Dave gets disqualified, and now he’s sad. Everybody is hating on his S&M.

(ads)

During the break, Chris Benoit was dragged away kicking and screaming. He can’t even beat Batista clean?!

Lita is backstage with Matt Hardy.

LT: Listen, I’m sorry for dragging you into this lame frigging angle, Matt.
MH: No, no. It’s cool. Before this I was jobbing to Garrison Cade on Heat!
LT: Hey! There you go. But no matter what, I’m having this baby.
MH: No you’re not. You’re not even really pregnant you slut. How long are you going to keep this up?
RF: KAYFABE!! KAYFABE!!

Elsewhere, Edge and Randy Orton are standing by with Todd Grisham.

EG: Oh yeah? Well your mom is so big that when she sits around the house, she really sits AROUND the house.
RO: Hey! It’s a glandular condition.
EG: Damn! That was a good comeback!
RO: Now all this promo needs is a namedrop of some washed up old star!
EG: Oh! Oh! I’m gonna clubber you like Dusty Rhodes, bitch!
RO: Oh yeah, well you lost your first title to that bitchcake Jeff Jarrett!
TG: So…cold….
EG: Why the hell did you jump into that pool of liquid nitrogen anyway?
TG: Why…why are they pushing Dave Davidson?
RO: Honestly, I travel with the guy, and the only thing I can think of is that soul patch. It’s majorly over backstage.

Todd Grisham shatters.

EG: Rest in Peace, Todd.
The Voice of The Undertaker: Quit stealing my catchphrase or I’ll bury you in oatmeal.
RO: Hot damn, dude. You’d better watch yourself.

Call 1-800-Diva-Ass for more hot WWE Diva Action. This Week: Josh Matthews tells you about his turn ons. Here’s a taste.

JM: I like…uh…Going back to Smackdown…and…um…dinner at a nice Italian restaurant…um….

Sounds hot!

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Kane

I was just thinking…the only thing missing on this show was a little more Kane. Kane works in the OMG CHINLOCK showing that at least one big slow guy on this brand has a little bit of what we in the business call “work rate”. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but ends up landing on his feet. One of these times he’s going to blow out his knee. Jericho gets a Countout when Kane can’t resist the urge to chase Lillian Garcia around and set her on fire. Eric Bischoff comes out, however, and says that he can’t blame Kane for wanting to set Lillian on fire, and so he’s making this match a Falls Count Anywhere match. Jericho suggests they find a nice waterbed.

(ads)

Kane and Jericho are fighting outside the ring. They decide to stop for a moment and share a cotton candy. It’s nice to see camaraderie in wrestling. Kane and Jericho brawl over to the hockey boards. It’s too bad Jericho forgot his skates, or he might have won this match. Oops…I just gave away the ending. SPOILERS! Dave Davidson runs out and kicks Jericho in the head. Dude, you should knock that off. Kane wins. Dave poses. Which is more humiliating for Jericho? Getting knocked out and having Dave pose over him or hosting the Diva search? The answer of course…those pants.

(ads)

Coach shows off the RAW DIVA SEARCH 2004! Contestants. Vote Matthews. Oddly enough, I think I’d vote for any of these women over Kerry or Bush. Vote Diva Party in 2004.

(ads)

Randy Orton v. Edge
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

The crowd is genuinely baffled that Edge is in the main event. They have no trouble with Randy, though. They play a mental chess game to start, which, like their match at Vengeance, wasn’t very interesting. Edge goes and takes a seat in the front row because this match is boring.

(ads)

Edge and Orton are sharing a maltcup. See, members of Evolution and Blonde Canadians are friends forever, no matter what the WWE says. Edge falls over, and you’d think that Orton is the winner, but the referee says no. The crowd boos, because Washington, D.C. loves them some Orton. Triple H runs out and hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON, but Orton kicks out at 2 55/56. Edge rolls Orton up and puts his feet on the ropes. Edge wins. What is it with the faces cheating tonight? Will this foreshadow a heel turn for Edge? Or perhaps Edge is actually Eddie Guerrero in a mask. I guess we’ll find out next week.

Next Week: Edge is revealed to be Kurt Angle in a mask. Eugene returns because he forgot his Dukes of Hazard Mousepad. The DIVA SEARCH 2004! Heats up when Tough Enough Jessie snaps and kills one of the contestants.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Ten: “Hey, Where Did You Get That?”

LS: I can’t believe we made it this far.
TD: Did you hear the crowd cheer you on last Thursday? You’re a STAR!
RVD: Yeah! All Right!!
LS: They were only cheering because Edge kept telling them I was going to take off my top.
TD: And you are.
LS: I am not!
TD: All in good time, Lance.
WD: What’s up, bitches?
RVD: Waldo? Is that you?
WD: Roooooob! Homeboy! How’s it hangin’, man? Still hitting the old Singapore Cane?
RVD: No, dude. SOMEBODY broke it over Lillian Garcia’s head.
TD: It was HARDCORE!
WD: That sucks. Man, I’m so messed up right now. Did you know I spent the last 17 hours in some couch cushions? Now I’m off to hide behind some camels in this desert. I heard there’s gonna be a ton of people there. I hope somebody brings a fricking keg!
LS: I found him! Do I win immunity?
TD: I’m not sure it works that way. Wasn’t it just some kind of ruse by Jericho or something?
RVD: Woah, Waldo, where did you get that?
WD: What? This old thing? I found it at a flea market for, like, 15 cents.
TD: It’s the jade gopher! We’re saved!
LS: Just hand it over, little man, and none of your striped ass will get kicked.
WD: Uh-uh. Get your own. I saw one ride by here not twenty minutes ago with some kind of carp.
LS: The Sort of Pissed-Off Fish!
WD: Or maybe it was a salmon?
TD: After them!
WD: Does a salmon have gills that go like this (bloop bloop)
RVD: Bloop Bloop
WD: Bloop Bloop
RVD: Bloop Bloop
WD: Bloop Bloop
RVD: Bloop Bloop
WD: Bloop Bloop
RVD: Bloop Bloop
WD: Bloop Bloop
RVD: Yeah! All Right!!
LS: Come on, Rob.

They run off.

WD: What a bunch of weirdos.
MT: I saw you talking to those men.
WD: What’s it to you, baby?
MT: I am Mountina, and I always get my man.
WD: I’m right here, and I’m wanted for crimes of loving you too much.
MT: Eck…just tell me where they are going.
WD: They went off chasing some fish and a jade gopher. I think it was a salmon.
MT: The Gopher was a salmon?
WD: No, no. You know what? Never mind. Just run off that way.

He does.

WD: Man, I should never have gotten into the hiding business. You just can’t STAND the people that find you. Jesus. I’m getting too old for this.
Kid: Can I have an autograph?
WD: You were adopted.
Kid: MOMMY!


(edited by Excalibur05 on 20.7.04 0339)


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
jerniebert
Weisswurst








Since: 16.8.02
From: Fresno, Cali

Since last post: 3032 days
Last activity: 3017 days
#2 Posted on
Bad episodes of Raw means funnier Satires.



http://www.bigmoneywrestling.com
qode
Chaurice








Since: 20.4.04
From: Indiana

Since last post: 3794 days
Last activity: 3516 days
#3 Posted on
Whoa, did anyone else notice that there was more “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in this episode than Kane?? Is this a new trend??
ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 805 days
Last activity: 805 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.38
Funny stuff, except for the "Trading Spaces" bit, which I didn't get at all (probably because I stay far away from that kind of show).

So, will next week's title be "Raw Satire Drops a Bunch of Keys"?



YOUR CONTINUED HERESY AGAINST THE WRESTLING GODS HAS DOOMED YOU TO SPEND
ETERNITY WATCHING A MORDECAI VS. KENZO SUZUKI IRON-MAN MATCH
(and Hiroko isn't at ringside for you to oogle).

Gugs
Bierwurst








Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 574 days
Last activity: 25 days
AIM:  
Y!:
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.49
    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
    Funny stuff, except for the "Trading Spaces" bit, which I didn't get at all (probably because I stay far away from that kind of show).


But I do, and that made the Satire for me.

Feather boas and disco balls...are we sure Hildi hasn't already done that?



Vote Kerry.
whatever
Lap cheong








Since: 12.2.02
From: Cleveland, Ohio

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 6 hours
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.75
    Originally posted by gugs
      Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
      Funny stuff, except for the "Trading Spaces" bit, which I didn't get at all (probably because I stay far away from that kind of show).


    But I do, and that made the Satire for me.

    Feather boas and disco balls...are we sure Hildi hasn't already done that?


Yeah, my wife watches that show, and this segment of Satire *totally* made the column this week. I loved the "Frank is married" joke, too! Surprised you didn't go the Doug route and have him get all snotty with EB and Coach.

(For those who don't know, Hildi actually has redone rooms in feathers, records, *wine label stickers*, and other hideous design atrocities. I think only Doug comes close with his room with a giant foot painting on the wall and the bedroom designed like a dungeon. My wife and I agree that these people will never come anywhere near our humble abode.)



"Lita holds a Stone Cold Steve Austin home pregnancy test. What will the Bottom Line say? “Hell Yeah” or “Eh-EH”?"


- Raw Satire, 6/15/04

DJ FrostyFreeze
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: Hawthorne, CA

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 5 hours
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95

    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy
    probably because I stay far away from that kind of show
You = missing out.

I'm starting to like "While You Were Out" too, but mostly because of Leslie the Carpenter.

SAUCY





I miss The Big Fella already :(
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 7 hours
Last activity: 5 hours
AIM:  
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.94
The extended Trading Spaces bit propelled this into the upper echelon of Satires. And yes, that would be the kind of thing Hildy would do. But at least she didn't create the Moss Wall. And one day I will have Amy Wynn as my own personal carpentress and love slave. Oh yes, she will be mine.



johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com

Mr Heel II
Lap cheong








Since: 25.2.02

Since last post: 37 days
Last activity: 17 hours
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.96
I've been waiting for "Trading Spaces" to creep into the satire since I started reading it, and it did not disappoint.

Great satire all around.
Net Hack Slasher
Banger








Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 3646 days
Last activity: 2066 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.25
Kurt Angle and Frank Bielec exchange was the best "So let me get this straight.. Yes.. You’re married?.. Yes.. You?.. Sigh, Yes.. Married?"... Haha great. As for Kurt's reaction to his room, I just can't see him swearing so much no matter how angry he is. Unless he's actually saying "bleep" instead of the swear word LoL.



smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to YELLOW alert - Elevated (JBL is the new WWE champion, good gawd hide under the desk. But Benoit is World Champion allowing some safety in the IWC)- 6/28
Phantom Lord
Salami








Since: 18.6.04
From: The Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn, NY

Since last post: 3282 days
Last activity: 3079 days
AIM:  
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.16
LT: Listen, I’m sorry for dragging you into this lame frigging angle, Matt.
MH: No, no. It’s cool. Before this I was jobbing to Garrison Cade on Heat!
LT: Hey! There you go. But no matter what, I’m having this baby.
MH: No you’re not. You’re not even really pregnant you slut. How long are you going to keep this up?
RF: KAYFABE!! KAYFABE!!


That is just great. That's about as funny as the time there was a hardcore match or something going on and in the background we saw Flair and Triple H driving a forklift and no one said anything about it.

That Trading Spaces bit is gold though. I mean if Hulk Hogan can curse and drink beer during his VH1 Special then Kurt Angle would probably beep himself.



Read how I'm surrounded by Morons in my latest column
Read the current edition of Wrestling's Fact or Fiction with former WCW Star The Stro


I don't drink and I think working with Lars would drive me to become an alcoholic-Iann Robinson on Lars Ulrich
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No RAW or Smackdown! recaps this week, because I was busy. Breaking up is not fun to do. I got this in the mail about a week ago – and I keep MEANING to actually review some of these awesome DVDs the WWE’s been pumping out lately.
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