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The W - Guest Columns - Raw Satire Court 8/11
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Excalibur05
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 33 min.
Last activity: 31 min.
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#1 Posted on
Last Week: Shane McMahon got his bad hair all messed up by Eric Bischoff and Kane, oh AND he almost died. Kevin Nash and Chris Jericho promoted a HAIR VS. HAIR match that will set the wrestling world AFIRE. Austinberg accidently booked himself into an elimination chamber, but what will become of his NECK? Find out…not tonight…

Rosey is backstage with Austinberg…

RS: Check it out, Still. “We Like the Backstreet Boys, *Nsync too…”
AB: Did you just SAY an asterisk?
RS: Uh..no.
AB: What did you want?
RS: Can you bring in Evan Kourageous and trade Smackdown for Shannon Moore? I’m thinking of getting the band back together!
AB: Evan who? Wait…getting the…you’re not reforming the nWo again, are you?
RS: No, man. THREE COUNT!

Here’s The Hurricane

TH: No. NO! NO!!!
AB: Shannon Moore, huh? Isn’t that…like…Daffney?
RS: No, that’s Shannon Ward. How about Evan Kourageous?
AB: Wait a minute. No. I can’t stand that guy.
TH: Yeah. He can’t stand that guy. Now just give me my green dot, and I’ll leave.
RS: But! Three Count! Three Count!
TH: Stop that!
RS: “Sing along with Three Count…”
TH: Austinberg, make him stop.
AB: I’m sick off all y’all.

(Opening Credits)

Spike TV? You mean like Spike Lee? Wow!

Here’s Eric Bischoff to start the show off right! He says that he’s glad that Shane almost died last week, because now there’s no reason for any McMahons to be on this show. Not that he’d mind, McMahons = Ratingz. Plus, he could have gotten to see the McMahon’s Boobies. That only happens with Stephanie. And it only happened ONCE. Oh, wait. Twice. Hey, here’s J.R. ! Sooner Bloomers! Eric asks J.R. why he’s out there, and J.R. says that it’s to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show. Then J.R. says that he’s going to sue Eric Bischoff’s ass for putting him in a room with Kane. Wasn’t that Austinberg that did that? Oh, never mind. Don’t let previous angles get in the way of the angles of today. I’ve LEARNED from Vince Russo.

Undertaker and Bradshaw come out, because this is a matter for WRESTLER’S COURT!

Mark Lloyd: Hey, folks. It’s time for another exciting edition of “Wrestler’s Court”. The Plantiff in this case, Jim “J.R.” Ross is suing Eric “Eazy-E” Bischoff for damages incurred when, Kane, under the direction of Mr. Bischoff burned J.R. alive. The defendant is countersuing for being forced to wear this dorky jacket. Who will win in this case of “Less Kane v. Beat Shane”?

AB: All Rise! The honorable Judge Undertaker presiding. Your honor, this is case number 3826, the case of Ross v. Bischoff. You may be seated.
EB: There’s no chairs.
AB: Then stand.
UT: Alright, I’ve got to get going. My bike is double parked. Let’s hear the cases.
JR: He had Kane burn me, dammit.
BS: Who wants a beer?
AB: Oh! Me! Me!
EB: In my defense…
UT: We only have a prosecutor right now. Our defense attorney, Nunzio, got sent to OVW.
EB: That’s not fair!
UT: Are you arguing with me? In my yard?
BS: He sure is! Let’s bring him to the showers.
AB: Objection! That’s his response to everything.
UT: Sustained. Bradshaw, keep your pants on. This is a civil suit.
JR: Burned, by GAWD!
CJ: Is this going to take much longer? I have to take a wizz.
UT: Chris Jericho motions for a bathroom break, anyone care to second?
AB: Hold on…

Austinberg says rather than having a wrestler’s court, they’re just going to have a Bischoff/Kane match later tonight. Then EVERYBODY (but the fans) will be happy. Everybody (but the fans) agrees that this is the best course of action. Wait, I think Stevie Richards is objecting to it, but nobody pays any attention. Poor, Stevie.

(ads)

Triple H poses and growls! I need a drink. How about this POWER FLUID?! Thanks, Hunter. You really ARE the Game.

Nobody has taken Coach away to his box, yet. He is defiant in his quest to remain RAW’s Number One announcer. Funaki waits in the wings for him to let his guard down.

Rico and Miss Jackie v. Scott Steiner and My Darling Stacy

Stacy and Jackie trade pin covers, but fail to do the Indy Appreciation Spot. Geez. Back to my room and OVW (respectively) for you. Rico and Steiner are afraid that they will be shown up, so they go outside to brawl with Test. Good show. Not this show. I was saying that as like…a…uh…thing. You know. Yeah. Jackie wins after blowing a spot, and almost killing Stacy. HEY! I guess Stacy doesn’t have the backstage power to get a push.

Steiner is mad, because Stacy needs a real man, and he’s a genetic freak. You jobbed to me. Hahahahaha. Test said that he’s mad too, and they challenge me to a mach for Stacy again. Oh geez. Somebody get me some different music, I want to be repackaged as a bad ass.

Ric Flair is mad because he has to fight Austinberg AGAIN tonight!

RF: I’m mad because I have to fight Austinberg AGAIN tonight! Woo.
HHH: Oh yeah, well, I have to fight FIVE guys in an elimination chamber, with an injured groin.
RO: Four guys. I’ll help you out, champ.
HHH: Go away Orton. Your ass is the FIRST one I’m pinning. I don’t care what the order of entry is. You’re just The Lame. What did you do to deserve an entry in the Elimination Chamber?
RO: I…uh…got a cool tattoo on my arm?
RF: Wooo! I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last night! WOO!
HHH: See? Triple Naitch DESERVES to be in there. Not everybody takes your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, Randy. I’m tired of people screwing with me. I want to screw everybody else.
RO: Oh crap, does that mean we need to rub your groin again?
HHH: No I meant all the girls. The girls. Shawn Michaels. I mean uh…PEDIGREE!

HHH Pedigrees Orton. Bwahahaha. Best RAW EVER!

(ads)

Here’s Kane’s Box. Will Kane be inside…TONIGHT?

La Croissants v. The Dudley Boyz
Non-Title Match for Not the WWE World Tag Team Titles

The French guys decide that they don’t like to have matches, and just start hitting the Dudleyz with flags representing their supposed countries. Spike can’t run in to make the save, because he can’t find the Dudleyville National Flag.

(ads)

Molly Holly runs into Goldust who brings in Lance Storm Cubed. Lance Storm Cubed says “I’m pleased to meet you, would you like go and have sex later?” Molly is a VIRGIN! Geez, didn’t Christopher Nowinski tell you that she still had Paul Heyman? Lance Storm Cubed puts on some Goldust makeup and chases some midgets! CRAZY go nuts!

Kevin Nash is combing his lovely locks when Shawn Michaels comes by and they fight over the mirror for a minute. Then Austinberg walks by and tells them that it’s HIS mirror, and hit hits them both in the head with it. Seven Years bad angles for Austinberg! He can team with Kane!

It’s Booker T! Wait…Apparently, Booker forgot to eat his Hungry Man dinner and blew off the ship the stars of the WWE were sailing. I guess we’ll have to settle for Intercontinental Champion Chris Tian.

(ads)

He won the title in Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah right. I’ve been to Des Moines, and NOTHING is going on there, much less title changes. Chris Tian challenges anybody from the back. Spike Dudley comes out with the Dudleyville national flag to make the save for his brothers. I guess we have a match!

Spike TV Dudley v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Spike puts up a good fight to debut his new network, but it’s all for naught because he’s Spike Dudley, TV or notLawler asks Coach if he’s ever seen the programming on Spike TV. Gee, Jerry, I don’t know. Is it still the same programming as it always was on TNN? Yes? Well then he probably has.

Kane is about to leave his box when Eric Bischoff approaches.

EB: Hey, look. We have a match, and I was just wondering if you wanted to go over me? Real quick like.
KN: Like a “finger poke of doom” type thing?
EB: Yeah. That’d be fine.
KN: Uh…no.
EB: Why ever not?
KN: Because, it didn’t work for Hogan/Nash, it’s not going to work tonight.
EB: Oh, man. But it worked for HHH/HBK and…uh…the New Age Outlaws.
KN: Shut up.

(ads)

J.R. is back out to put Coach in his box. I’m somehow expecting this to lead to a shocking swerve where J.R. turns on Austin and starts up a stable with Kane and Bischoff. That’d be neat.

Kane v. Eric Bischoff

Kane’s music goes on forever doesn’t it. Eric tries to get Kane to pin him, but Kane gets distracted by hitting on the hot popcorn vendor in row five. “Gimme some of that ass,” Kane says. He gets counted out. Oh well, it’ll all be worth it if he gets him a piece of that ass. Wait, RVD is out and he wants him some hot popcorn vendor. Wait, no, he just wants some popcorn. Kane hits RVD with a chair, and leaves with the girl. The girl leaves the popcorn for when RVD regains consciousness! A winner is everybody!

Trish is oiling her breasts. I guess that means she’s up NEXT! Or maybe she just likes oiling her breasts, I don’t know.

(ads)

Terri is asking Gail Kim about her shocking heel turn last week. She said she was tired of being booed for blowing spots, so now she can just chalk up those boos to her heel turn. That’s what I call good thinking.

Gail Kim v. Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women’s Title

Oh come on. Just give Stacy the title, and maybe I’ll watch. Trish and Gail blow some spots right away for some Jeff Hardy-like in ring action. Molly isn’t blowing spots, and she cheats to win! She’s Molly Guererro. Why not? It’s not like there are any Holly’s around.

Triple H has the exciting news that Randy Orton will take at least one ref bump tonight. Flair can’t wait to see it. Randy models the ref shirt in the background and Flair tries to grab his man boobs. You know, why don’t they sell those ref shirts? I’d buy a billion of them things.

(ads)

Here’s an Old Lady. She’s trying to cross the street, but Rosey is standing in the middle singing “Britney Spears is kind of cute, I watch TRL, on MTV. Everybody! Three Count! 1! 2! 3!” When she asks him to move, he asks her if she wants to be one of the Nitro Girls, and she hits him. Hurricane come in to tell him to stop this crap, but Rosey is dancing in the streets. Shannon Moore tries to go out and join him, but Matt Hardy hits him with the Twist of Fate.

Austinberg is considering bringing in Meng so that he can finally trade him for that Jerry Flynn pizza card that’s been keeping him awake at night. Eric Bischoff thinks that that is a terrible idea. In anger, Austinberg books Bischoff v. Shane McMahon at SummerSlam. A match sure to be worth…uh…10…15 whole cents of you bill.

(ads)

Theodore Long drank some bad Hateraid. Estimates on his recovery are sometime between now and the next time he shows up on RAW or Heat.

Rodney Mack v. The Hurricane

If I were to pick a match to get the crowd excited…this would certainly not be one of them. Hurricane wins after he jumped around and Rodney got sleepy. Rosey makes his big entrance and tells Rodney that he’s auditioning for the Tank Abbot role. Rodney is still asleep.

(ads)

It’s time for the Chris Jericho Highlight Reel. He brings out Kevin Nash, and they threaten each other’s hair. Nash says that he should have his own show called “Nash Eye for the Canadian Guy” where he helps Canadian wrestlers pick out new looks. I hope he does Benoit first! Then Nash pulls out Jamie Knoble’s Briefcase of Adult Pleasure. What the hell? Smackdown crossovers? Oh, man. This can only lead me one place.

Nash tries to cut off Jericho’s hair with a vibrator. That’s not exactly going to work, Kev. Jericho runs away anyway, because he can just SMELL the Billy Gunn on it. Nashole.

Hey! Randy Orton has stolen Shawn Michael’s Referee Biker Shorts. THAT’S where they went!

(ads)

AHAHAHAHA! Austinberg dresses in a supply closet!

Austinberg v. Ric Flair
With Biker Shorts Wearing Referee Randy Orton

Austinberg isn’t having any of this nonsense. He should get to book the matches! As a result, he refuses to sell until Ric actually punches him in the junk and then kicks his knee. Ouch.

Shawn Michaels comes out to take back his biker shorts, but then realizes he’d have to touch The Lame to get them. So instead, Austinberg just spears everyone and counts the pinfall himself. That’s what I call action! Still needs more Kane though.

Next Week: The Elimination Chamber becomes the Elimi-Date Chamber in an inexplicable crossover that likely leads to Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho going on a date. Kevin Nash will lose his hair so that he can reprise his role as Super Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4: How Shredder got his Ooze Back. Shane McMahon will be back, and trying not to die!

Join us Friday for more Hot Satire Action!




Feh.
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Since: 9.7.02
From: Sleep (That's where I'm a viking)

Since last post: 426 days
Last activity: 18 days
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Y!:
#2 Posted on
Words cannot possibly do justice on how I am laughing as I type. Everything was golden, and may I suggest stealing David Arquette's music for your match at SummerSlam? Or you could have Rosey sing you to the ring. Hilarity abounds, and it's CRAZY GO NUTS!



Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.

Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
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Scrapple








Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 3 hours
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54
Just when the whole satire is going along swimmingly, and I think things are just wrapping up.....there's the line about the Elimi-Date chamber, and I nearly spit water all over my keyboard. Great job, Excalibur.




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Since: 18.6.02
From: Upstate Oklahoma

Since last post: 3593 days
Last activity: 2659 days
#4 Posted on
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Then Nash pulls out Jamie Knoble’s Briefcase of Adult Pleasure. Nash tries to cut off Jericho’s hair with a vibrator. That’s not exactly going to work, Kev. Jericho runs away anyway, because he can just SMELL the Billy Gunn on it.

...that's just WRONG!


    Still needs more Kane though.

Damn straight.


    What the hell? Smackdown crossovers? Oh, man. This can only lead me one place. Join us Friday for more Hot Satire Action!

Now that's Crazy Go Nuts!





(edited by IncredibleHeelHeat on 12.8.03 0144)

"Austin vs. MacMahon is to the WWE what the nWo was to WCW."

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tomvejada
Andouille








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 3982 days
Last activity: 3982 days
#5 Posted on
More hilarity.

Highlights included Rosey Count, Jamie Knoble's Briefcase, and Kane being distracted by the popcorn vendor.

Keep up the good work.



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"Peter, those are Cheerios." Brian
Ryan_A
Bauerwurst








Since: 30.1.03
From: Champaign, IL

Since last post: 2091 days
Last activity: 1 day
#6 Posted on
HHH giving Orton the pedigree was a nice touch.

Great job, as always.
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 454 days
Last activity: 452 days
ICQ:  
#7 Posted on
Too bad Val isn't still in his Chief Morley role. He would have made an excellent Rusty the Bailiff.



Kain Interview: the first since he's been unmasked!!! Major changes to SummerShow main event!!! All this plus an interview with Kain in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
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Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 2864 days
Last activity: 2235 days
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#8 Posted on
Good stuff. Elimi-Date Chamber sounds incredible. And I very much liked the homage to the Wrestler's Court.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.

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Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 657 days
Last activity: 657 days
#9 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Molly Holly runs into Goldust who brings in Lance Storm Cubed. Lance Storm Cubed says “I’m pleased to meet you, would you like go and have sex later?” Molly is a VIRGIN! Geez, didn’t Christopher Nowinski tell you that she still had Paul Heyman? Lance Storm Cubed puts on some Goldust makeup and chases some midgets! CRAZY go nuts!



THAT's good satire.



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

Eric tries kicking a sheild held by Time Keeper Dan, but Time Keeper Dan is +3 with Sheilds and the Sheild carries a 2 Armor Rating with +4 v. Crappy Kicks, so it doesn’t go well. Anybody who has played the WWE Backstage RPG would know better. Just ask Scott Stiener.
-Excalibur05's Raw Satire for 8-4-03

Nashole
Medisterpoelse








Since: 14.8.03

Since last post: 3996 days
Last activity: 3996 days
#10 Posted on
Yeah Great job Excalibur, youve managed to paraphrase http://www.onlineonslaught.com/columns/hocking/ down to the last letter once again.

http://www.onlineonslaught.com/columns/hocking/20030812.shtml "Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com" :|

Nashole.
Whitebacon
Boudin blanc








Since: 12.1.02
From: Fresno, CA

Since last post: 68 days
Last activity: 6 hours
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ICQ:  
#11 Posted on



You do realize that Matt Hocking and Excalibur05 are the same person, don't you?



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"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
Trio of bear cubs, and fleeter than birds,
Tinker and Evers and Chance.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble,
Making a Giant hit into a double-
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."

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Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 657 days
Last activity: 657 days
#12 Posted on



And we had him first, anyways. So there.



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

Eric tries kicking a sheild held by Time Keeper Dan, but Time Keeper Dan is +3 with Sheilds and the Sheild carries a 2 Armor Rating with +4 v. Crappy Kicks, so it doesn’t go well. Anybody who has played the WWE Backstage RPG would know better. Just ask Scott Stiener.
-Excalibur05's Raw Satire for 8-4-03

Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 33 min.
Last activity: 31 min.
AIM:  
#13 Posted on
HOLY SHIT!

This may very well be the first time I've ever been accused of ripping MYSELF off!

Fantastic!

As a side not, SHG, I love that you're quoting me, but...could you pretty please spell shield right so I don't CONSTANTLY look like a moron?

(edited by Excalibur05 on 14.8.03 2353)


Feh.
CANADIAN BULLDOG
Andouille








Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 454 days
Last activity: 452 days
ICQ:  
#14 Posted on



Hold on.... if Excalibur and Matt are the same person then... who the hell is Mr. America?



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Since: 9.1.02
From: Wichita, Ks

Since last post: 3657 days
Last activity: 3126 days
AIM:  
#15 Posted on

    Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG
    Hold on.... if Excalibur and Matt are the same person then... who the hell is Mr. America?


Duh, it was Horace Hogan. Nepotism rears its ugly head once again!



Kansas-born and deeply ashamed
The last living La Parka Marka

"They that can give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
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The Not-So Weekly Wrestling Recap. You know, if there’s one thing I hear consistently, it’s “how did you get into my bathroom?”, but after that, it’s “HMD…You’re a contributor. Why don’t you, I dunno, contribute more?
- Hogan's My Dad, The Not-So-Weekly Wrestling Recap (2003)
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