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The W - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 5/15/05 Turns On Kane (SHOCKING SWERVE~!)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
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Note: This Sunday, I will be at Judgment Day, Section 138 Row G, Seat 13. I should be there for Heat, so stop by and say hello if you’re going to be there and are so inclined.

Last Week: Triple H took his ball and went home to play “bat the ball” with Nibblins. TV’s Luke Perry and U2 dropped by to play Prance Prance Revolution. Plus, Kane and Lita made out with each other, who will they make out with…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

I sure hope it’s with each other. I’d hate to see the break-up of yet another loving relationship in the world of professional wresting.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari v. Shelton Benjamin and Chris Jericho

Hassan and Daivari are still the cutest bickering couple in the WWE. Sorry Eddie and Rey. Jericho comes out to no music, wearing a beret and a black turtleneck. Shelton tries to tag him in, but Jericho just sighs and chews on the tag rope. Hassan and Daivari finally find some common ground in beating up Shelton, and as sweet as a relationship rekindled is, there ain’t no stoppin’ him from making a tag…NAH! Jericho, much to everyone’s surprise, tags in, pulls a droopy flower out of his pocket and lays down in the center of the ring. Hassan goes for the pin. Hassan and Daivari win! Shelton gives us…is that “confused”? Conflicted? Ain’t no stoppin’ me NAH? Hell, I dunno. Nice try though, Shelton.

(ads)

Chris Benoit is backstage with Tajiri.

Chris Benoit: Hey, Tajiri, do you ever get really tired? Like you just got done with a yearlong journey that seemed like it would never end?
Tajiri: Uh…no.
Benoit: Huh. Just me then.
Tajiri: Yeah, I just did a bunch of flips for a few pages. Spat some mist.
Benoit: Sooo…ECW Reunion Show…you going?
Tajiri: Are you kidding? I’m not paying no $400 to sit and watch some out of shape guys hit each other with cookie cutters. No friggin’ way.
Benoit: Err…Couldn’t you just work the show?
Tajiri: Nah, man, I got one of them no-competey clauses in my contract, I can’t work for another promotion while I’m in the WWE. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How did I let them talk me into that?
Benoit: You know that ECW is run by WW….
The Voice of the Undertaker: Stop right there. Don’t ruin it.
Benoit: So he can talk about his no-compete clauses, but I can’t talk abo….
Voice of Taker: That’s right.
Tajiri: So….Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna go. Should be a good show though. They’ve got…uh…New Jack v. Tony Mamaluke…that’s totally worth it.
Voice of Taker: When the hell did you learn English?
Tajiri: Que?
Voice of Taker: That STILL doesn’t sound right. But, whatever.
William Regal: What are you chaps talking about? Chris Jericho’s new gimmick? Judgement Day?
Benoit: No, the ECW PPV.
Regal: Pfft. Screw that. I’m just gonna go to the pub and start a fight with a bear, yeah?
Benoit: What are you really gonna do?
Regal: Watch Desperate Housewives.
Tajiri: Bebooowoop beep doop wooooo.
Voice of Taker: Ok, I know for a fact you ain’t no R2D2.
Tajiri: Watashi wa Tajiri, desu.
Benoit: Man, I really want to suplex the crap out of Sabu right now.

Back in the Bischoffice, Eric Bischoff is talking to…A Wall. I thought he died?

Eric Bischoff: Quit haunting my office dammit! Shoo!
Jonathan Coachman: Eric! Eric! I have some important news.
Bischoff: Can’t you see I’m in an important meeting?
Coach: With that wall?
Bischoff: No, this OTHER important meeting.
Ric Flair: I’m finally here to take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO!
Coach: How were you capable of maintaining your composure and how was Ric capable of staying quiet long enough for this dramatic reveal?
Bischoff: We were both stunned by the random appearance of a ghost.
Coach: Oh.
Flair: Now that that’s over though, I want you to cave to Triple H’s demands and make him champion again! WOO!
Bischoff: You know very well that’s not even up to me, Ric, whenever Hunter wants to do that, he will.
Flair: That’s why you’re the champ!
Bischoff: Have you always been this stupid, or only since I drove you out of WCW?
Flair: Fire me? I’m already fired! Fire me? I’m already fired! WOO!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Hi, NAITCH!
Flair: What the hell do YOU want? It’s your fault Hunter left!
Batista: It’s not my FAULT!
Abe Orton: Hey!
Bischoff: Uhuhuhuhuh! Out!
Abe Orton: Oh, man.
Batista: You’re like a mother to ME! Remember the toy BOATS!
Flair: *sniff* Yeah. You’re all right, kid.
Batista: WOO! Did I do it RIGHT?
Flair: Not even close.
Batista: L
Flair: AH!! Would you stop doing that?

(ads)

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. Ric Flair

Tian’s outfit this week brought to you by Mrs. Shenicock’s Third Grade Class. That giant construction paper “C” really sells the idea that his name is Chris, I think. They also bedazzled the Goatee, and I think it looks really sharp. Flair begs off to start, but when Christian gets in close, he flops. WOO! Every move Christian tries gets countered by Flair shaking his head and bleeding at Tian. Tomko gets into the ring to try to stop this madness, but Flair rolls them both up for the win. They try to gain some measure of revenge after the match, but Dave runs out and tells them to pick on somebody their own AGE. Everyone else mathematically eliminated, they beat the hell out of WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton.

Lita is backstage with Christy Hemme.

Lita: Man, remember when I trained you to wrestle?
Christy Hemme: Yeah. Totally. Wait. Not really. Sorry, other red haired girl.
Lita: Crazy. What are you doing tonight?
Christy: Lingerie Pillow Fight with Josh Matthews.
Lita: Putting your skills to good use, eh?
Christy: Totally! Have you seen my boobies?
Edge Tian: I couldn’t help but hear the word boobies.
Lita: Oh. Edge. What. A. Surprise?
Edge: Don’t play coy with me, little girl. Tonight, I’m going to take my briefcase and slam it into your husband’s brain. Then we’ll see who screwed Matt. Or who gets replaced by a member of U2!
Lita: I thought I was supposed to be the one to hit Kane.
Edge: Shhhh! Damn, girl, what if he’s watching.
Lita: Kane doesn’t watch TV. Well, except for Everybody Loves Raymond, so he’s glued to that right now for sure.
Edge: Awesome! Our plan is coming together!
Christy: Well, what if I run and tell Kane?
Edge: Tell Kane what?
Christy: About my boobs?
Lita: That’s my husband woman!

Edge and Christy look at each other, and then at Lita.

Lita: I’m just sayin’ is all.

(ads)

Christian is backstage with Maria Tennyson Lund

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Chris Masters, and Chris, I know your Iron Chest challenge is coming up, and I was wondering what stratagems you would employ to attempt to outwit your opponent.
Chris Tian: Uh…I’ll…er…Wait a sec. Did you just say “Chris Masters” and “coming up”?
Maria: Possibly!
Tian: I gotta get out of here! Tomko! Let’s roll!
Tyson Tomko: ….
Maria: Good question! I got my degree in Quantum Physics from the University of Wisconsin-Madison!
Tomko: ….
Maria: Oh! I got my interviewer degree online at DeVry! I also got this neato decoder ring. Your secrets are never safe from Maria Tennyson Lund, expert detective!

Chef Blue Meanie v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Pork Rinds Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The challenger is employing a strategy I haven’t seen before in kitchen stadium! He’s eaten ALL the pork rinds.
Fukui: Interesting, let’s see if it pans out for him!
Dr. Yukio Hatori: Probably not. Man, this is boring as all hell. How did we make a show about some dudes cooking for an hour again? Can you imagine how annoying that must be? “Oh, look at the long strokes he’s using to butter the toast. Such technique, he must be a master.”
Fukui: Come on, man, don’t ruin a good thing here. What would your wife say if she found out you were badmouthing your job?
Hatori: She’d kick me in the balls and steal all my money like she usually does.
Fukui NOT a good night for relationships, folks.
Gail Kim: See? I could have been wrestling here! In this spot!
Fukui: Yeah. That TOTALLY wouldn’t have been just as crappy.
Ohta: Fukui-San!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: I slept with your wife last night!
Fukui: I know, I was there with the video camera, remember?
Hatori: I hate to get back on the topic of food, but does anybody else think it’s gross that the chairman keeps eating friggin’ peppers like they were apples?
Fukui: Better than Shatner, you know?
Hatori: Totally!
Morimoto: Man, even I’d totally kill these guys.

Blue Meanie loses when he’s unable to turn in any dishes that he hasn’t already eaten. Way to keep the weight off, buddy. Maybe he’s trying to get back in “ring shape” for the ECW PPV? Masters wins! But it’s all a clever ploy! Because while Masters celebrates, bWo Member Stevie Richards comes through the crowd and lays out Masters. The Chairman is SHOCKED! The bWo lays the boots to Masters. Nova runs out to celebrate with his comrades, but he is met with a flurry of punches and is laid out. The bWo celebrates! 4 LIFE~!

Backstage, Edge is in an uncomfortable position….

Kane: So, while Christy was showing me her boobies a few minutes ago, she mentioned that you and Lita might be in cahoots.
Edge: Why are we discussing this in the back seat of a Volkswagen?
Kane: I dunno. It was celebrity guest director Kevin Smith’s idea.
Edge: Oh. Well…we’re…uh…totally not collaborating on anything…did she actually use the word “cahoots” because that would be totally awesome.
Kevin Smith: Great take, guys. Really loved it. What did you think?
Chris Tian: I’m not high enough to care! Isn’t that right my heterosexual life mate, Tyson Tomko?
Tyson Tomko: ….
Kevin Smith: Ok, that was just ridiculous. Enjoy the rest of sweeps, folks.
Mark Madden: Snootchie Boochies, Kevin!

Kevin Smith punches Madden.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Yoshiro Tajiri
In an ECW Anarchy Rulez Match

Flaming tables stacked a mile high with failed Dudleyz are outside the ring. Tajiri flips around for a little bit, and readies the mist, but Benoit suplexes him onto his head, shattering Tajiri’s neck. Oh well, better luck next time, Tajiri. Benoit sets him up outside the ring on top of Little Snot, and prepares to do a diving head butt through the flaming, barbed wire, exploding, tack laden, Dudley Covered table, when suddenly he is stopped by Coach and Bischoff.

Chris Benoit: Oh, thank God. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do that.
Jonathan Coachman: No more ECW crap. I mean, do we WANT this show to go down to a 1.0, or something?
Chris Benoit: No, no! I swear, we’ll be huge on the East Coast.
Eric Bischoff: I’m sick of this! I don’t want to hear the letters E, C, or W ever again.
Big Bird: But today’s show was brought to you by the Letter E, the Letter C, the Letter W and the number 4!

Bischoff shoots Big Bird.

Bischoff: I am NOT messing around here, people. No more of those letters!
Benoit: So what will we call the show?
Bischoff: Call it “ Monday Night RA !”
Ra, ‘gyptian God of the Sun: Finally, a program to call my program!
Bnoit: This is stupid.
Ric Bischoff: Yah. Fine. But I still hate ECW.
Ra, Egyptian God of the Sun: Damn. Still no show for Ra.

Josh Matthews is frosting his tips, because he’s on…NEXT!

(ads)

Christy Hemme v. Josh Matthews
Lingerie Pillow Fight

Christy is wearing a little blue number, while Josh has gone for the daring “Bret Hart” combo nightie. Josh breaks out his Indy Street Cred “Nothin’ But Moonsaults” offense, which Christy counters by wandering around the ring, and thus being incredibly hard to hit. Josh misses her, and lands on his face. Christy comes up as Josh tries to piece his jaw back together and nails him with a pillow shot. Feathers fly everywhere, and in the confusion, Christy steals the win. Josh is really embarrassed, and rightly so. You’re a disgrace to the gender, Matthews! But here’s Viscera to make things all better!

Viscera: Christy, baby, Josh. You two look so hot and juicy. Why, I could just eat ya’ll right up. But, I’m not hungry for you, tonight, ladies, because I got my sights set on Lillian. Get in here, girl.

Lillian gets into the ring. The lights dim. Viscera offers her a tasty pillow to chew on while she listens.

Viscera: I want to love you, girl, more than anything, right here in this bed in the middle of 10,000 screaming fans, honey child. Baby, I went all through the world to find the song that best suits you, I went from Kiev to Carolina, from Berlin down to Belize, baby girl. I went from Nashville, to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe, girl, Chicago to Czechoslovakia, and back! I stole all the beans in Lima for you babe, going from Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam, Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu, for YOU, girl. And I found it, the perfect song, baby doll. So listen up but good.

Saying “I love you”
Is not the words I want to hear from you.
It’s not that I want you not to say,
But if you only knew how easy it would be,
To show me how you feel,
More than woooords is all you have to do
To make it real!

At this point, Lillian spontaneously combusts.

Viscera: Aw yeah. Playin’ hard to get. Just what I like, girl. Now, excuse me while I eat this bed.

Viscera eats the bed.

Backstage with Kane and Lita….

Kane: You would never turn on me, right?
Lita: No. Never.
Kane: Because it seems like you’ve turned on just about EVERYBODY, you know? Danny Doring, Esse Rios, The Hardy Boyz, Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero, Christian, Matt again, I can’t help but notice a pattern developing there.
Lita: But exactly how many of those guys let me make out with their chin?
Kane: Well….Malenko?
Lita: Him and Charlie Haas.
Kane: Huh?
Lita: Never mind. The important thing is, we’re together right now. Live for the moment.
Kane: Isn’t that something Matt would say?
Lita: Shut up and let me make out with your chin.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin is backstage with Chris Jericho.

Shelton Benjamin: What the hell was that?
Chris Jericho: The Kane/Lita segment or the commercial for the “Hansen Movie”?
Benjamin: You willingly laying down during our match!
Jericho: That was, like, an hour ago, dude.
Benjamin: So?
Jericho: I don’t care anymore. Wrestling is depressing, and so are the sales of Fozzy’s latest album. Hell, we’re giving them away. Take one. Take eight! In the meantime, I’m going through a complete persona overhaul. Gone are the days of “Chris Jericho, Rock Star and VH1 Guy,” let us usher in the days of “Chris Jericho, King of Emo!”

Jericho pulls out a pair of thick, squarish, black rimmed glasses.

Jericho: Do you know my pain, Shelton?
Benjamin: Can I get some more of those Fozzy CDs? I’m gonna make a fort!

Oh to be a fly on the wall in THAT creative meeting.

Stephanie McMahon: Chriiiiiiis, we’re gonna change your character! You’re gonna be the guy who doesn’t give a crap and is really depressed because he never wins and Triple H is alwaysholding him down.
Jericho: You got it.
Stephanie: If you need some time to prepare….
Jericho: No, I think I’ve pretty much got this one down.

(ads)

The Hurricane and Suga Rosey (w/ Shewhore, Princess of Sluttonia) v. Maven and Nova
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Who is this mysterious masked woman? Why is she helping Hurricane and Rosey? And where did she get that skirt? Find out next issue! Nova looks to be in bad shape thanks to the beating he took earlier tonight, but he’s in good spirits because he’s among his own kind here. He offers to join Hurricane’s Justice League, but Hurricane isn’t having any of it. No room for jobbers in his Justice League! Well…Except for him and Rosey. And Slutcy. And the Wonder Twins. But no MORE jobbers. Maven is so wonderfully out of place here, that it makes perfect sense when he jobs to Rosey. Poor Maven. Apparently, Slutcy’s Super Power is “Shiny Ass,” which I guess, is at least TWICE as helpful as talking to fish. Sorry, Aquaman.

(ads)

HEY! It’s Randy Orton, looking…emaciated.

Randy Orton: Hey, guys, it’s been a long time since I rapped at you, but I’ve been busy. Firstly because my shoulder gone and got hurt, and B because I realized that I can’t talk on intellevison good. It is my blessing, it is my course. However, I’m out here with my new haircut to support Natalie Porkman in her fight with the clowns, and I’ve been starving myself to try to bring about peace in the Midwest! Stop your feuding Iowa Khomeini and tear down this wall! Now, everybody who is a writer for this show has been asciing me to come out here and talk about the draft. And I was like, it’s nice in here, there’s no draft, but I’m out here anyway. I think the Rams should have selected Ron Mexico.

Here’s Vince McMahon to try to make some sense.

Orton: Vance! Just the men I’d like to see! Tell these people I can’t get drifted!
Vince McMahon: Randy, shut the hell up. Yes you can get drift…er…drafted. Anybody can. Even Tough Enough Jessie and she quit MONTHS ago.
Orton: But I want to fight The Barista! Not stupid old Underquacker.
Vince: Well if you refuse me, then I have no choice but to tell you YOU’RE FIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRR….
Orton: Fine! Maybe I can fight somebody easy like Edgy Dorado or Gay Mystery Os.
Vince: What the hell are you talking about?
Orton: Please let me stay on RAW, Mr. McMom! I’ll be good! I don’t want to job to John Cessna or JTL!
Vince: Go eat a cake. And find a wig!
Orton: I just thought you should know, My shoulder is at 73%.
Vince: SHUT UP!

(ads)

Edge Tian v. Kane (w/ Lita)
The Exciting Conclusion to the Bill Goldberg Memorial Tournament

Kane jumps out to an early lead by being much, much balder than Edge. There is hope for you yet, young Randall! Lita cheers. What is she cheering though? My guess is that she’s going to run off with WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-M-Mike Chioda after this match. Edge reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a legal pad. OH! Paper cut to Kane! Kane runs around the ring sucking on the end of his bleeding finger while Edge doodles pictures of flowers with Lita’s name on them. I will say this about the Lita/Edge pairing, at least they can share hair grease.

(ads)

Edge goes after Kane’s knee. What did his knee do to you? I don’t even think Kane has any knee based offense. He should though. The camera cuts backstage where Dave is watching Tiny Toons. The big finish comes when Edge grabs the briefcase to hit Kane, but WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda stops him, so he tosses it to Lita who hits Kane in a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Kane no-sells it though, and is loving it, because he’s down with a little rough foreplay, but in his excitement, he gets hit with the Spear, and Kane loses again! Oh no! That Lita, she really betrayed Kane! And possibly some other people! Edge and Lita make out with each other’s cheeks on the entrance ramp while Kane looks on and cries. I guess Lita didn’t want any more Kane. Sigh.

Edge: Do you love me, baby?
Lita: Uh…sure.

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Molly Holly: Oh, don’t tell me he’s going to buy that. How stupid do they think we are?
Jeff Hardy: Imagi told me she was going to turn last week. All Hail Imagi!
Rhyno: Where is that friggin’ guy? I HATE SPOILERS! I’m GONNA FRIGGIN GORE THE HELL OUT OF IMAGI!
Jeff: Rhyno, Imagi isn’t in ONE place or time, Imagi just IS. He exists.
Rhyno: Yeah? We’ll see about that!

Rhyno Gores through the entertainment center..

Molly: Dammit, Rhyno! I was taping Raymond!
Matt Hardy: Waaaaaaaah! How could she do this to me?
Jeff: Not a big Ray Romano fan, huh?
Matt: No! Lita! She’s really rubbing my face in it now.
Molly: Ew. Let’s never use that analogy again.
Jeff: I know what’ll cheer you up!
Molly: Jeff…no.
Jeff: Emoetry!

Matt, I am sorry,
Lita screwed you,
She screwed me also,
I thought she was a dude.
Now she’s with Edge,
Who has a nice case-y.
Maybe if you’re lucky,
You can hook up with Stacy.
Is she a slut?
Or is she
2Xtreme?

Molly: Actually, I kinda liked that one.
Matt: Shouldn’t you be at a TNA show, Jeff?
Jeff: Man, I don’t know. Even I don’t care when their shows are.
Raven: Oh yeah? Well, because of you, I had to wrestle friggin’ X-Pac. X-PAC! I HATE YOU!

Raven blows up the house.

Oh, the special sweeps producer was Jerry Bruckheimer.

Next Week: Exciting reenactments of the Lita/Kane divorce trial! Who will get custody of the thongs? Rather than defend his World Title against Edge, Batista opts to appear in a bunch of backstage segments with Ric Flair instead. And Triple H pokes his head in to see if anybody remembers he’s gone.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 17.5.05 1132)


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
canadianchick
Cotto








Since: 8.8.03
From: Canada

Since last post: 3480 days
Last activity: 3151 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.80

    Oh to be a fly on the wall in THAT creative meeting.

    Stephanie McMahon: Chriiiiiiis, we’re gonna change your character! You’re gonna be the guy who doesn’t give a crap and is really depressed because he never wins and Triple H is alwaysholding him down.
    Jericho: You got it.
    Stephanie: If you need some time to prepare….
    Jericho: No, I think I’ve pretty much got this one down.


HA! That got a good laugh outta me.
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Dear Jim The Anvil Nighthart, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I escorted you guys backstage in Canada during part of the Hart Attack Tour in `94. My question:
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