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The W - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 3/7/05 Screwed Matt!
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Excalibur05
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Since: 19.1.02
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Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davison” made it very clear that, yes, he DOES have thumbs, and yes they DO work. Bored with having no match set up for Wrestlemania Chris Jericho made one up, and if that doesn’t work, he’s gonna have a really nice party with a vegetable tray at his house. And Shawn Michaels was attacked by that dastardly Kurt Angle. Who will Kurt Angle attack…TONIGHT?!

Err…Probably Shawn Michaels again…if anybody.

(Opening Credits)

Hey, hey, hey! Speaking of, here’s Shawn Michaels prancing out, showing no ill effects of losing all the blood in his head or wearing a really awful false mustache. I wonder what the hell it is that he’s going to talk about? Maybe it’ll be the TNA PPV. I bet these Carolina fans would go nuts over a Jeff Hardy reference.

Shawn Michaels: Hi, there. You know something? I’m wrestling Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania, and dude isn’t even on this show. Did anybody know that? I had to drive all the way over to Smackdown to do an angle with him. Then all I got to do was punch him a few times. I mean, this Wrestlemania crap is getting way out of hand. Listen, I realize I don’t have superpowers like Undertaker, and that that’s pretty much the only way to feud with somebody who isn’t in your brand. So what I’m saying is that this crap is HARD. I mean, there is only so much prancing one man may do for the Lord, and I’m all pranced out. Not to mention that my wrestling ability got stolen by Jesus last week. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry that this year’s Wrestlemania will feature a match with almost no buildup and featuring almost all brawling. Uh…oh. That’s…a lot of matches on the card. Well, at least we have the fact that we’re both cripples to set us apart!

Kurt Angle appears on the Titan Tron:

Kurt Angle: Hey, Shawn. I’m here on the Titan Tron. Look, man, I don’t know if this is gonna work out, man. I thought, maybe, we’d be able to pull together a match out of this things, but man, we can’t just keep appearing on each other’s shows to attack. Taker got all pissed off last week, he yelled at me for about twelve hours about “breaking the fourth wall”. I don’t even know what that means, but I can tell you I’m sick of hearing about it. Look, you’ve done a lot of great things. Iron Man matches, World Titles, those mirror vests, Marty Jannety, but the thing is, I’m totally better than you. So, here’s the deal, we’ll wrestle, but to help build up the match, I’m going to do everything you’ve done in your career, in four weeks.

So he’s going to complain about jobbing, screw Eddie Guerrero in Texas, freak out when Big Show misses an elbow drop, lose his smile and then disappear right when Smackdown needs him most?

AWESOME~!

Triple H is wandering around backstage talking to himself.

(ads)

Some Kind of Denver Broncos Float v. Triple H

This is a totally even matched contest. Rosey actually has control for a few minutes when Hunter can’t figure out exactly how one Pedigrees a float. But then, the Broncos lose Rosey to free agency and he’s immediately signed by the Cincinnati Bengals ensuring that he’ll job for the rest of his career. He best hope that the Patriots are in desperate need of a float in a few years. Triple H gets a tire jack and nails a PEDIGREE TO ROSEY~! That’s good enough for the win. Afterwards, he gets a sledgehammer and busts Rosey’s windshield in. Poor Rosey. At least HHH proved that he too can bust in windshields.

(ads)

Triple H is backstage with Triple Naitch….

Triple H: Did you see that, dude? I totally beat Rosey.
Ric Flair: Oh, yeeeeaaah. Real tough win there, champ. Or should I say, chump? WOO!
HHH: What’s going on, Ric? Do you want to talk about it?
RF: No, I’d rather take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO!
HHH: Now, now. There’s no place for that kind of talk in wrestling, Naitch. Tell me what’s wrong.
RF: I don’t want to fight Dave, Hunter. And besides, I know for a fact that he’ll beat me. Look at my old ass. You think I’ll be able to beat that freak? He’s going to kill me.
HHH: No he’s not. Think about it, Naitch, we’re in North WOO by God Carolina! This is Horseman country! This is Flair Country! Nothing bad will ever happen to you here!
RF: Man, plenty of crap happens to me in the Carolinas. It seems like wrestling companies can’t WAIT to come here so they can make bad crap happen to me.
HHH: But at least you know where all the hot chicks hang out.
RF: Heh, heh. Yeah I DO know that!
HHH: And they’ll LOVE you after you beat Batista. Or love to soothe you if you lose.
RF: WOO!
HHH: Not that we condone that sort of thing.
RF: Oh, NO. Never.

Back in the Bischoffice, Chris Jericho, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Benoit, Chris Tian and Edge all stand around in uncomfortable silence, while Eric Bischoff looms behind them.

Eric Bischoff: One of you is causing big problems for this brand.
Edge: Look, I can explain….
Chris Benoit: Admit nothing. I know how this whole thing works.
EG: But Matt put it on his website!
CB: It wasn’t you.
EG: My wife admitted it.
CB: IT wasn’t you.
EG: We only had the one hotel room and the one bed.
CB: Then hell, I don’t know. Enjoy not getting pushed, bitch ass. God, I try to help you and you just sit here and complain. At least YOU didn’t sleep with Stephanie. Trust me it’s AWKWARD!
Chris Jericho: You slept with Stephanie too, huh?
CB: No, no. I’m just making a relevant metaphor. But the point is that nobody gives a crap about Matt Hardy. So it’s all good.
EB: I’m not talking about Edge.
Chris Tian: You’re not? Who the hell are you talking about?
Shelton Benjamin: Look, I’m sorry I beat up Abe last week.
EB: No, no. That was cool. I don’t care about that. Jericho!
CJ: What’d I do?
EB: Setting up this match without permission. Now we gotta find people and stuff to fill it. You want six people for a match? Well here they are.
CJ: This is only five.
SB: Unless you’re going to be in it.
EB: No. I’ll figure it all out later.
CT: What’s going to be the prize? The IC Title?
SB: Hell no.
CB: Oh, come on. You’ve got nothing better to do.
EB: This briefcase.
CJ: That’s it? That’s the best you can come up with?
EG: I dunno, man, that’s a pretty nice briefcase.
EB: It’s not the briefcase, you idiots, it’s what’s INSIDE the briefcase!
SB: Is it $250,000?
CJ: Is it Lita’s phone number?
CB: Is it a push?
CT: Is it my dignity back?
SB: Is it Charlie Haas?
EB: No. It’s a shot at the World Title. Geez.
CJ: That’s boring as all get out.
EG: Who’s going to raise the briefcase?
CT: Big Bossman…FROM THE GRAVE!
SB: Man, this is going to be the best Wrestlemania EVER!

(ads)

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. Kane

I guess the ladder match needed a little more Kane. Honestly, I think this is Kane’s way of getting back at Edge sleeping around with his wife by attacking his brother. Tian gains control briefly by choking Kane out with the Goatee, but Kane eventually grows tired of selling and just stops. A frustrated Tian tries to hit the Unprettier, but Kane hit’s the Chokeslam instead and picks up the win. Shows you who the cooler guy is. After the match, Tomko hits Kane in the face with a ladder, but Kane nosells that too, because if he’s gotta be in a match like this, the last thing he’s going to do is start selling for Tyson friggin’ Tomko.

Randy Orton is backstage playing dress-up with Intergalactic Space Hussy and Chicago Cubs Closer Stacy Keibler. Stacy draws “You Screwed Matt” chants. Awww…thanks, you guys. Randy says that he has an idea for a Wrestlemania match and that he’ll announce it tonight. Gee, I wonder what that’ll be. I’ve gotta say, it’s nice to see these guys are thinking about Wrestlemania matches now. Wrestlemania Motto: Built up at LEAST as well as Taboo Tuesday!

(ads)

J.R. briefly considers shoving Jerry Lawler’s face into that Pepsi and beating him to death with the sub. Subway, the official sandwich of justifiable homicide.

Chris Jericho v. Edge

“You Screwed Lita” chants. Man, if I didn’t know any better, I would think WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton was the MAN! In fact, they should send WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner out there to diffuse the situation. The people watching at home would totally think the crowd was chanting “You Screwed Bret” at which point they would roll their eyes and quit listening. As it is, the best we get is J.R. making veiled threats about Edge’s career while Lawler talks about how bad he misses the days when he was the asshole in his relationships.

(ads)

Edge and Jericho fight on top of the ladder for a while. Do you ever get the feeling that these guys are insanely bored with fighting each other, and that this sixway at Wrestlemania is pretty much their worst nightmare? It’s like a bad dream they can’t escape! Of course Kane’s pissed off to no end. What happened to his Brothers of Destruction match, dammit? That was gonna be awesome! Edge hits the Impaler and gets the win, much to the delight of…Edge? Maybe? Even he doesn’t seem to be all that thrilled about it. No…wait. There’s the smile. He throws up the V-1 sign and then gives the crowd the finger. Hahahahahaha…In your face. Well, at least he’s not depressed anymore.

Jonathan Coachman is back in the Bischoffice….

Jonathan Coachman: Man, the internet people are going to be tiiiiiicked.
Eric Bischoff: How’s that?
JC: Think about it, dude. No I.C. Title match? That’s enough for them to start a protest.
EB: Eh, screw it. Maybe I can job Shelton out to Abe Orton or Maven or something.
JC: You wouldn’t seriously put Maven on Mania, would you?
EB: Nah. We could put him on Heat though. Have him Wrestle Val Venis or some crap.
JC: You know what we haven’t had in a long time? A gimmicky ass RAW.
EB: Next week is pick your poison Monday.
JC: Is that like Casual Friday? Or Beef Wellington Thursdays?
EB: No, no. Before every match, a wrestler will drink a vial of poison, and the winner of the match will get the antidote.
JC: I don’t see the “pick” part of that.
EB: You get to pick what kind of poison will kill you if you lose.
JC: Oh. Neat. Hey, won’t that kill, like, half our roster?
EB: Therein lies the beauty. All Ring of Honor guys as jobbers, all next week.
JC: Oh, man. Keller’s gonna crap his pants.
EB: That’s just another reason why it’s going to be the greatest RAW ever!
Cheatum: Spin the wheel, make the deal?
EB: Not yet, little guy.
Cheatum: All right, screw this then. If you want to induct me into the WWE Hall of Fame let me know, otherwise I’m gonna go do Coconut Rum body shots off the Diva Search chicks with my buddy Edge.

(ads)

Randy Orton is out. What ever will he talk about?

Randy Orton: You know something? When I was a kid, my dad taught me something about the wrestling industry, and that was that even if you were a huge jobber, a memorable gimmick would probably land you in at least one main event, and from there it’s pretty much a straight shot to the Hall of Fame. He had a cast, I make people fall over. But I’m not in the main event anymore, so I called him, and I asked him, “Why, Daddy? Tell me why!” And you know what he said? “Please Deposit -Fifty- cents to complete your call.” Dad doesn’t even like hipity hop music. I was confused. Then I thought…”Complete Your Call”…I need to deposit fifty cents to COMPLETE MY CALL! My suddenly robot, suddenly female father was correct! I needed to give my fifty cents to the audience about my Destiny again, that way you’d all be REALLY happy and the WWE would push me again! So how about this? It’s my DESTINY to beat The Undertaker at Wrestlemania!

BONG

The Voice of the Undertaker: The hell it is.
RO: No, no. Seriously, Taker, think about it! Your streak of Wrestlmania victories can be ended by only one man, and that man is me!
TVotU: No, no, NO! I’m NOT doing this crap. I don’t care how much I have to break kayfabe. God damn, I never thought I’d be wishing for that Hnnrnnr/Abe Orton match.
RO: What have you got against my cousin Abe?
TVotU: He killed my nephew!
Abe Orton: It wasn’t my fault!
TVotU: Oh, like HELL it wasn’t.
Eric Bischoff: I couldn’t help but overhear this conversation happening in the ring.
RO: Eric, Eric! Tell the Undertaker he has to job to me!
TVotU: Do it, Bischoff, and I swear to God I’m going to eat your soul.
EB: Enough of this, I really don’t care what happens here. I only came out because I thought it’d be cool if Undertaker made it rain again.
TVotU: Not a chance.
EB: Thought not. Damn. You’re hard to deal with, you know that? It’s no wonder we smoked you guys for 88 weeks in WCW.
TVotU: Yeah, how’d that work out for you by the way?
RO: Quit arguing! This is MY SEGMENT! DESTINY! DESTINY! RKO!
EB: What a whiner! Can you believe this is the guy who’s going to end the Legend of the Undertaker.
TVotU: Oh, man, I can’t believe you just did that.
EB: What?
RO: Did somebody say…LEGEND?!

Bischoff falls over.

RO: Orton wins! See you at Wrestlemania, Taker.
TVotU: I’m getting WAY too old for this.

BONG

Chris Benoit is wandering around backstage talking to himself. Must be something in the air there. Benoit collapses in a heap, having bored himself to sleep.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Chris Benoit

SUPLEXES~! ROLLING AROUND~! Workrate freaks the world over just choked on their Subway Sandwiches (Subway The Official Sandwich of OMG WORKRATE~!). Benoit decides that the only way to make this match mean something is if he jumps out of the ring and head butts the ladder, so he does. Don’t try this at home folks! Actually…do. That’s hilarious. Benoit locks in the Crippler Resthold, but there ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton…NAH! Oh wait. Yes there is. Benoit wins. Man, if Maven or Abe would’ve locked in a resthold they could be IC champs. Who would’ve known that was Shelton’s weakness?

(ads)

Oh MAN! Another Wrestlemania commercial!

Abe Orton: Delivery! Are you a Mr…Kane?
Edge: No, why?
AO: I have this baby for him.
EG: Kane! Do you know anything about a baby?
Kane: No. Why?
EG: Because we’ve got one.
Matt Hardy: What’s up guys? Eatin’ crackers? I’m down with that.
KN: Do you know anything about this baby?
MH: Nope.
AO: Why don’t you read this note?
EG: Dear Kane,
Honey, I think this is your baby. But hell, I don’t know. It could be Edge’s. Or even Matt Hardy’s. Man, I was so drunk that night. Plus, I’ve been cheating on you with these two this whole time. Uh…so take care of the baby won’t you? It’s a wacky coincidence that you all live together. Maybe it was a Twist of Fate…Eh, Matt? Eh? Hopefully, someday she will grow up to be a little lady.
Drunk as all Get Out,
-Lita.
KN: HOW COULD YOU TWO?!
MH: How could I? How could I?! You stole her from me in the first place.
KN: That was different.
MH: No! No different! Only different in your mind.
KN: What about you?
EG: I’m a manwhore. What can I say?
MH: We need to calm down. Matt Fact: Babies need good fathers.
EG: Perhaps if we raised her together, she can have a normal life.
KN: No, no, no. The letter is clearly addressed to me. Besides, I don’t want her to grow up like that girl on “My Two Dads.”
MH: Wait, wait, wait. I have a question. Out of Character.
EG: That’s kind of weird, but ok.
MH: Can I be Steve Gutenberg?
EG: Just so long as I can be Tom Selleck.
KN: Hell no. No way am I being the dude from Cheers. NO WAY!
MH: Remember the Matt fact? Settle!
EG: Yeah.
KN: You’re right. At least we have the baby.
AO: Uh…about that.
KN: What?!
EG: What?!
MH: What?!
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
Sean Cold Val Venis: What?
AO: IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

In the Bischoffice, Daivari and Hassan are PISSED!]

Khosrow Daivari: Hulk HOGAN?! What the hell, dude?
Muhammad Hassan: Let me handle this. Hulk HOGAN?! What the hell, dude?
Eric Bischoff: It was in his contract. Oh, and Daivari, you’re jobbing to Brooke.
KD: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
MH: I said let me handle it. That’s AWESOME!
KD: Oh come on!
EB: The people in the Mania ladder match were based on their Mania records.
MH: Kane? Jericho? Shelton? Yeah, a real cast of winners you’ve built there.
KD: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
MH: Oh shut up.

Tajiri and Regal are sharing an International Uncomfortable Moment as they are caught licking the pages of Playboy Magazine together by the roving WWE camera. Oops. Trish comes by and lifts the copy she pages through it and shakes her head. Oh that wacky Hussein family.

What? She reads it for the articles!

(ads)

Christy skips to the ring with a PURPOSE~! She has something to say to Trish Stratus.

Christy Hemme: Hi, there. I have something to say to Trish Stratus, so Trish get out here! I said get out here, Trish!
Sound Guy: JESUS CHRIST, LADY! Give me a chance to get the music ready, would you?

Trish walks down.

Trish Stratus: What’d you call me out here for?
CH: I’m challenging you to a match at Wrestlemania!
TS: Oh, hell no.
The Voice of the Undertaker: Friggin’ tell me about it, sister.
CH: Yeah. I want that WWE women’s title so that the cover of this Playboy makes SENSE, dammit.
TS: Thank god we got rid of all the real wrestlers, or else somebody would be really embarrassed right now.
CH: So what do you say? Huh? You should know, somebody has been training me to be the best I can be!
TS: I hope to god it’s Dean Malenko.
CH: Nope! Close though!

Lita limps out. The crowd goes nuts. Everybody has a chance!

Lita: That’s right! It was me, Trish! It was ME ALL ALONG!
TS: Oh…God. Christy, listen. We’ll have a match, ok? But…don’t do this.
CH: Maybe you’re afraid I’m going to beat you?
TS: Or kill me?

Christy hits the Twist of Fate…kinda…?

LT: Good…you passed your first lesson.


Bischoff is backstage with Flair and HHH who is lugging around his sledgehammer.

Triple H: What do you want?
Eric Bischoff: Look, you can’t bring the sledgehammer out there. That crap is played out, man.
Ric Flair: But look! The hammer is a new member of Evolution! We’re like the Three Amigos! Here, look at this picture!

Flair holds up a photo of him and Hunter posing at a bar with beers in their hands while the sledgehammer lays on the ground, it’s head dunked in a glass.

RF: BFF! WOO!
HHH: Uh…Eric…he’s gone completely…more completely…nutty since Dave left Evolution. He’s gotta have somebody else around. So I told him that the Sledgehammer was joining Evolution.
EB: Woah…that’s a little weird.
HHH: Oh, come on. It’s Triple Naitch. Let him have this one delusion.
EB: Fine, bring it to the ring.
RF: WOO!

(ads)

Ric Flair (w/ Triple H and “The Sledgehammer”) v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Flair begs off to start. He doesn’t want to hurt his own son! But Dave is sick of being told what to DO! If somebody tells him not to attack, then he’ll attack, and that’s just how it is, because he’s a big boy NOW! HHH twirls his mustache in thought. If he could be told NOT to job…why…Oh that dastardly HHH. What a heel you are! You’re the cerebral assassin for sure! He doesn’t share this info with Flair, however, and Naitch jobs to an OSPREY BOMB TO FLAIR~! After the match, HHH runs in and tries to nail Dave with the sledgehammer, to which Dave gives a thumbs in the middle, and snaps in half. Flair goes down again, in shock, and calls for medics.

Next Week: Ric shares an emotional moment with the broken sledgehammer at an undisclosed Home Depot. HHH takes on Chris Benoit, and if you don’t know who’s getting poisoned in that one, you’re crazy go nuts. And Shawn Michaels gains superpowers, but unfortunately they only give him the ability to make it Luther Reigns.

Scenes from Training with Christy and Lita
Chapter One: BE the Concrete!

Christy Hemme and Lita stand in an undisclosed training Dojo.

Lita: Wax on…Wax off. Good, Christy-san. Yes. BE the Concrete! Gooood.
Christy Hemme: Can I ask you a question, Lita?
LT: Ask and I will answer.
CH: How are you supposed to train me if you can’t hardly walk?
LT: Wrestling isn’t about walking, or not walking. It’s about the mentality.
CH: I see…teach me then. Teach me how to wrestle like you.
LT: No. You are not yet ready. See that ring? Your opponent is standing outside, what do you do?
CH: Slide out and hit them with a pillow?
LT: NO! You have learned NOTHING!
CH: Jump out and try to land on the top of my head somewhere near them.
LT: Yes. Good. That is all I can teach you for today. For now I must go and sleep with
another wrestler.
CH: Thank you, Master Lita. With your help, I know I can win at Wrestlemania.
LT: What was that?
CH: I mean…uh…with your help, I can get myself crippled at Wrestlemania!
LT: Yes. Good.

Later that night….

Trish Stratus: Did she buy it?
LT: I think so.
TS: This is the awesomest plan ever.
LT: But is the cost too high?
TS: Bitch won $250,000 for putting her ass in a pie.
LT: You’re right. I must go.

To Be Continued….



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
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Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO

Since last post: 462 days
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#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.40
The Christy-Lita training session has to be one of my favorite Satire moments EVER!



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Since: 20.5.02
From: Normal, IL

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#3 Posted on
A+ on the 3 Men and a Baby parody! Too funny.
devineman
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Since: 16.2.04
From: UK

Since last post: 826 days
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#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.09
EB: Thought not. Damn. You’re hard to deal with, you know that? It’s no wonder we smoked you guys for 88 weeks in WCW.
TVotU: Yeah, how’d that work out for you by the way?

CLASSIC!
Best one in a while :)



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Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

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#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.39
    Originally posted by Excalibur05

    TS: Bitch won $250,000 for putting her ass in a pie.
    LT: You’re right. I must go.

Hey, to be fair, her butt was hungry.

That said, these were probably my favorite closing lines to any Satire. Well done!



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Since: 3.1.02
From: FOREST HILLS CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE

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#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.76
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Randy Orton: It’s my DESTINY to beat The Undertaker at Wrestlemania!

    BONG

    The Voice of the Undertaker: The hell it is.
    RO: No, no. Seriously, Taker, think about it! Your streak of Wrestlmania victories can be ended by only one man, and that man is me!
    TVotU: No, no, NO! I’m NOT doing this crap. I don’t care how much I have to break kayfabe. God damn, I never thought I’d be wishing for that Hnnrnnr/Abe Orton match.
    RO: What have you got against my cousin Abe?
    TVotU: He killed my nephew!
    Abe Orton: It wasn’t my fault!
    TVotU: Oh, like HELL it wasn’t.
    Eric Bischoff: I couldn’t help but overhear this conversation happening in the ring.
    RO: Eric, Eric! Tell the Undertaker he has to job to me!
    TVotU: Do it, Bischoff, and I swear to God I’m going to eat your soul.
    EB: Enough of this, I really don’t care what happens here. I only came out because I thought it’d be cool if Undertaker made it rain again.
    TVotU: Not a chance.
    EB: Thought not. Damn. You’re hard to deal with, you know that? It’s no wonder we smoked you guys for 88 weeks in WCW.
    TVotU: Yeah, how’d that work out for you by the way?
    RO: Quit arguing! This is MY SEGMENT! DESTINY! DESTINY! RKO!
    EB: What a whiner! Can you believe this is the guy who’s going to end the Legend of the Undertaker.
    TVotU: Oh, man, I can’t believe you just did that.
    EB: What?
    RO: Did somebody say…LEGEND?!

    Bischoff falls over.

    RO: Orton wins! See you at Wrestlemania, Taker.
    TVotU: I’m getting WAY too old for this.

    BONG

Ahhh... all is right with the world again. As much as I think this Orton/UT match is a disaster waiting to happen, it's got exactly one positive to it, and that's the return of the Voice of the Undertaker to the Satire. :)



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Excalibur05
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 2 hours
AIM:  
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Just wanted to pop in and say that I appreciate all the comments. I think this is probably MY favorite Satire since the New Year (other than maybe the Japan one), and hopefully I can keep it up at this clip until we hit Mania, at which point I'll allow myself to fall at the mercy of cliched jokes and fourteen paragraphs of Kane.

Thanks again, and enjoy the LotR Satires while you're at it.



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
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