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The W - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 11/18/02
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 11 days
Last activity: 3 hours
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#1 Posted on
Last Night: HHH died…again. Scott Steiner debut to the delight of TNN’s censors. And HBK captured the WWE Dance Dance World Title.

(Opening Credits)

Ric Flair arrives in a limo to meet up with Eric Bischoff. Ric tells Eric that The Ghost of HHH won’t be there tonight because he can’t find a body. Bischoff gets mad and books a match between Flair and Kane. Flair is pissed off because he was planning on leaving.

Shawn Michaels dances for Jesus down to the ring. He’s the new WWE Dance Dance World Champion, you know? He says that all though his back is bad, there is NO way he’s going to job out the World Title. In fact, he thinks that it’d be really cool if the WWE Champion only had to fight at WrestleMania every year, and only against HHH.

Rob Van Dam comes out, and is deeply disturbed at the lack of wrestling on this show. Shawn says that there’s no way a young pup like Van Dam can dance like the champion, and that RVD will never be the NEY-YOOOU World Champion. Before Van Dam can counter mumble, Eric Bischoff comes down. He says that there’s going to be a triple threat match tonight, to determine the number one contender for next week’s RAW. The crowd is sad, but nobody’s sadder than old HBK. “This is worse than necrophilia.” Bischoff asks if the necrophilia offended Michael’s Christian beliefs, but Shawn was already in the locker room having sex with Lance Storm’s Canadian Flag.

Spike and Bubba Dudley walk backstage. Hey! It’s Reverand D-Von…Who will donate to the D-Von Building Fund…Tonight?

(ads)

Raw 1993 wants to know: “Do you remember me?”

Bubba Ray & Spike Dudley and Reverend D-Von v. Rosie, Jamal, and Rico

Reverend D-Von tells his brothers to “Testify” but they don’t pay attention. Rosie and Jamal are unsure about whether or not they could blow spots because Jeff Hardy isn’t in the match, so they just kind of stand around. Finally, Bubba takes a time machine back to the year 2000 to hit the “Wassup” spot and the 3-D on Rico for the win. Reverend D-Von wonders if he shouldn’t be teaming with Deacon Dave Davidson again.

Test is at home with Coach Kevin Nash selling their quad injuries. Test expects to be back around this time next year. He and Nash toast this with a cupcake and wheel off to go learn how to walk. At least Test still has his immunity…Oh wait…Stacey Kiebler is disgusted by this segment, but is more disgusted by the websites she pulls up after her Google search on Testicles. “Test fans sure are weird.”

(ads)

Some Guy finds Eric Bischoff napping, and says that The Ghost of Triple H is floating ominously toward the arena. Eric decides to go out to meet it. A limo, the preferred travel method for ominously floating ghosts, arrives, and Eric opens the door. Scott Steiner walks out. He says that he’s come to give that punk kid Matt Hardy an ass whippin’. Eric tries to let him know that Matt’s on Smackdown, but Steiner isn’t having any of it as he stomps toward the arena.

Stacey Kieber comes out to kill time. Oh, wait, she’s showing off “Test” T-Shirts. My favorite one is “Jobbing? What’s that aboot?” I’ll take 50! But she’s interrupted when Chyna comes out to spread the good news about her impending nuptials with X-Pac…Whatever happened to Tori? And seriously, wrestling weddings never work. Just before Chyna can finish unleashing her testicular Cannon, Stevie Richards runs out, because he thinks that the RTC is still feuding with Chyna. But he stalls when Ivory doesn’t come out, and Chyna shoots him. Victoria comes out to try to help Stacey with a nasty hangnail, but Stacey doesn’t want any help.

(ad)

Hulk Hogan want’s you to buy his book, brother! It tells the true story of the time he and Brutai were stuck on that island during the filming of Thunder in Paradise. They didn’t know how long they’d be out there. And they were cold. And lonely. But NOTHING happened. Honest. Brother. Yappappi Strap Match!

William Regal and Lance Storm v. Jeff Hardy and Tommy Dreamer

Storm wonders if he’s being pushed or not. And why his flag is all ruffled. Jeff blows his spot early so that he doesn’t have to work anymore. Tommy tries really hard to draw the ratings, but ultimately, he fails and Regal and Storm hit him with a chair. Raven wants very badly to come out and whine that they stole his spot, but he can’t be on RAW. So instead, I will note that Lance Storm got a hair cut. Bully for you, Lance! Hair cuts = Push!

(ads)

J.R. says that Coach Nash will be shilling Armageddon in Florida soon. Test is severly disappointed that Coach Nash would do ANYTHING during his recovery.

Scott Steiner comes out to quote today’s latest stock tips. Oh man, the DOW dropped 92.5 points! Chris Jericho is tired of hearing how technology stocks are the downfall of the market so he comes out. Oh, no! It’s his old music! Kevin Dunn is holding Chris Jericho down! But he’s got a new belt to counteract the effects. Steiner asks Jericho if he wasn’t the one guy who used to wrestle Dean Malenko and Konnan on Worldwide all the time. Jericho says “Yeah”. Steiner says that he can’t waste his valuable mic time on jobbers like him. Jericho weeps. Steiner’s Chain Mail must be +2 v. Cruiserweights, Chris! Make a saving throw! Holla, if you hear me!

Stacey Keibler says that she’s going to get revenge on Victoria. Nobody messes with her Testicles!

(ads)

Victoria v. Stacey Keibler

Stacey totally flips out and locks in the ankle lock forcing Victoria to tap. Stevie Richards runs back out, because he should be on AT LEAST two RAW segments this week. Trish comes out to try to save the segment, which is admirable, but her efforts are too little to late, because Stevie starts beating everyone down. Honestly…Stevie Richards is winning a brawl? Wait. Victoria is “Whacko”…Stevie Richards is “Whacko”…They need to re-hire Ron Killings! The Truth—Tabacco is Whacko if You’re a Teen! Stable of the Year!

(ads)

Could you just imagine Vince doing the voice for the Hurricane intro? “Stand Back. STAND BACK. STAND BACHHHHH…’Cuz THERE’S A JACHHAMMER COMIN’ THROUGH…”

Chris Nowinski v. Al Snow
School House Match

Somebody MUST bleed. Al Snow tells us in a confessional, that although he was cut last week, Big gave him another chance. He plans on using it to the fullest potential. By jobbing to Chris Nowinski in a Hardcore match. Nowinski has a conversation with a skeleton under the ring. Is it Katie Vick? Never mind, it's good old "Yorik". That's a relief. Maven gets distracted with stealing money from The World, so Chris forces Al to do the old “Row of Chairs” spot. But Nowinski gets cut! In the mouth. Somebody MUST bleed! Talking to a skeleton makes Chris crazy go nuts!

(ads)

Hey, it’s Not Val Venis he’s come over as part of the “Lame-Ass” contingent from Smackdown. Welcome back Not Val!

Kane v. Ric Flair

Oh, good! A match. I sure am glad that…*Sigh*…”Dave” Bautista “Davidson” runs out to ensure that no matches go down in THIS quarter hour! Ric Flair makes a mental note to tell HHH that Bautista has taken almost enough steroids to be a good host body.

Booker T is out! Hi, Booker! He says that everybody’s been talking about who’s going to take Shawn Michael’s Dance Dance World Title, but nobody’s mentioned the only person in the company who has style and groove yet. That’s him. He does a spinerooni to prove his point.

(ads. You know, it’s really too bad that Big Show and Paul Heyman never saw this Smackdown 4 commercial, or else they would know that they could bring their alliances, bring their numbers, it wouldn’t matter. F-5, it’s over. Smackdown! Shut Your Mouth. Poor Brock…Nobody in the WWE watches the show.)

Booker T. v. Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam
WWE #1 Contender’s Match

This not to be confused with a #1 Announcer’s match. Booker T. doesn’t get a second intro? Racism. Everybody gets cute and does each other’s finishers because it’s fun to get over when HHH isn’t around. Christian comes out to hit every one with chairs, but Scott Steiner will have none of that. Steiner wants the match to be FAIR dammit. Earl Hebner is making up rules on the spot as suddenly this becomes a no DQ, Last Man Standing, Texas Death, Non-Push v. Non-Push v. Non-Push match…


Booker T. v. Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam
No DQ, Last Man Standing, Texas Death, Non-Push v. Non-Push v. Non-Push match…For the #1 Contendership to the WWE Dance Dance World Title

RVD pins Jericho with the Five Star Neck Smash while Booker T. looks on, momentarily mesmerized by the fact that RVD didn’t nearly kill Chris Jericho. After the Match, Shawn Michaels dances out and raises RVD’s hand. RVD accepts a handshake, because he’s a face, but he SO wants to kick HBK right in the face. Hold yourself back RVD! We don’t want Shawn to lose his smile!

Can RVD dance? I guess we’ll find out next week…

Next Week on RAW:

Can RVD Dance? Or will Shawn Michaels show him up? What’s the deal with The Ghost of HHH anyway? He should be here by now. Will the next shocking Scott Steiner promo be about Freaks and/or Peaks?

(edited by Excalibur05 on 19.11.02 0123)



Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (3-7) - Where the hell has THAT team been?
Badgers (6-6) - Bowl bound! Oh wait...
Buffy 7... Earns Pi x 2 points...Uh...Not really sure what I'm supposed to thing...That was one friggin' weird episode...
Promote this thread!
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 11 days
Last activity: 3 hours
AIM:  
#2 Posted on
Can I reply to me? Now that it said that BDL replied, then deleted his reply?

(Yep. That was fun.)

(edited by Excalibur05 on 21.11.02 0041)



Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (3-7) - Where the hell has THAT team been?
Badgers (6-6) - Bowl bound! Oh wait...
Buffy 7... Earns Pi x 2 points...Uh...Not really sure what I'm supposed to thing...That was one friggin' weird episode...
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Thank you. Now I have a very good reason to hate Eric the Angle, much like Cinna the Poet.
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