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The W - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 11/11/02
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 10 hours
AIM:  
#1 Posted on
Last week on RAW:

Triple H took over the body of Justin Credible, and paid the price by jobbing to Booker T! Shawn Michaels played Dance Dance Revolution HBK Remix! What will happen…Tonight?!?!

(Opening Credits)

Kane and Rob Van Dam v. Chris Jericho and Christian
for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Wait…A match to start off? It’s a NEW DAY FOR WCW…I mean RAW! Jericho and Christian retain because NOBODY jobs when they have new music. Not even Chris Jericho. Actually…They lost by DQ. But they still have shiny belts! So who’s the winner there, RVD and Kane? Huh?! Jericho tries to give us “intensity” but failing that, settles for, “kinda peeved”.

(ads)

Christian and Jericho are with Teri. Christian says that he’s going to be in the Elimination Chamber because he’d be the only one in the match willing to take bumps. Jericho is offended and throws Christian into a vat of acid. Teri…Um…Is there…too…

Shawn Michaels is backstage playing Jesus Dance Beat. Oh, man! Level 8 is like so hard. It’s really difficult to keep up with the complex set of dance moves during “Michael Row Your Boat Ashore”. Shawn is handling it nicely though.

Gregory Helms is talking to Booker T., who is like “What the hell are YOU doing in one of my segments, biatch?” Goldust breaks up the tension by talking about his penis. THIS is RAW!

(ads)

Jeff Hardy v. Lance Storm (w/ William Regal)

Lance Storm and William Regal are from other countries and this is Veteran’s Day so I’m offended! Storm asks Regal if he’s getting pushed and Regal just looks away. Storm cries. Jeff Hardy gets the upper hand when he blows his barricade spot, confusing Storm and letting him get the pin. Tommy Dreamer runs out because he wants to be on RAW too!

Eric Bischoff is with Teri. He asks Teri to wrestle tonight, but she says that she’s not a wrestler. Eric tells Teri to do it for Dakota Dust, but doesn’t reveal if Dakota is really Val Venis’ daughter. Will we ever know?

(ads)

Teri v. Victoria

Never happens because Teri isn’t sure what she’s doing trying to wrestle, so she just asks Victoria to go ahead and pin her. Victoria is OFFENDED because Teri is supposed to at least get beaten down so that she can get more heat. So Victoria strips Teri. Again. I’m sensing a theme! Teri bumps better than Kane. Trish Stratus runs out to ask Lilian to preform lesbian sex with her, but ends up brawling with Victoria instead. Oh,well. Maybe next week, folks.

Ric Flair is backstage with Bautista. Flair is like, “Hey, Dave Davidson! Did you hear about the Four Horseman angle they’re going to do with us? I can totally see you in the ‘Mongo McMichael’ big guy/shitty wrestler role!” Bautista asks Ric if he’s disturbed at the lack of wrestling on this show. Flair blades.

”Dave” Bautista “Davidson” v…Aw, hell…He beat D’Lo before I could finish typing this sentence

Shawn Michaels passes Level 9. The commentators are impressed, and rightly so. Dancing the Electric Slide to the tune of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” is pretty fricking hard.

(ads…Hey! That’s Brock Lesner! In an Ad for the Smackdown! Game! Way to hold up the concept of the split, guys! I demand Kevin Dunn’s head!)

Sigh, I guess Shawn Michaels lost in Level 10 (Raving to the hypnotic beats of “Onward Christian Solidiers”), because he’s on his way out to the ring. He calls out Justin CredibleHHH for a little bit of Monday School Action! Then he says that he believes that he can be a World Champion, if he believes, just like the Bengals. Bad time to go for the cheap pop, there, Shawn. HHH comes out, all vestiges of Justin Credible buried deep under 200 pounds of synthetic muscle and hair extensions. HHH says that he’s God because he can’t be killed. Or hurt. And he’s perfect. And plus, he can create small worlds and stop time, so it’s kind of hard to argue with him, I guess. Shawn tries valiantly, to defend himself, but HHH is God, so it all ends with a Pedigree. HHH goes for the Holy Sledgehammer, but The Red Rooster~~! runs out to break things up! HHH is stunned, but somewhere, Bobby Heenan congratulates himself on the making of a true superstar.

(ads)

Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico) v. The Dudley Boyz (w/ Jeff Hardy)

Coup of the millennium! The Dudleys got Jeff Hardy to be their manager! Everybody blows some spots and then one of the fat Samoan guys pins Bubba. After the match, Jeff and Spike lay on a table together.



And then get put through it. What?

(ads)

Scott Steiner Holla if you hear him. Somewhere, Lita is screaming in Coach’s ear.

Actually, it’s too bad Austin left. Because, Steiner would be all “Holla, if you hear me!” And then Austin would go, “What?” Yeah…

Christopher Nowinski endears himself to Kane by making some Pete Rose jokes. Then he calls out Al Snow, telling Al that if he can’t win tonight, Al wil be cut! Al tells us in the confessional that he’s got the heart and determination to win, and this competition isn’t about who has the best physique, but it’s all about who is Tough Enough.

Christopher Nowinski v. Al Snow

Nowinski hits Al with a book of Famous Quotations and pins him. Al Snow has been cut!! Maven runs out and drop kicks Nowinksi in the face. Elsewhere in Ohio, Jackie Gayda and Linda Miles turn to each other and say “We could do this!”

Eric Bischoff is out to talk about the Elimination Chamber. Um…It’s a chamber. And people get eliminated. Maybe somebody will get stuck in their little cage. That’d be funny.

Test and Coach Kevin Nash are back stage. Coach Nash asks Test how his quad is feeling, and Test says “better”. Coach Nash shakes his head, “You know…you should milk it. Say you’ll be out until the Rumble, but stay home until Wrestlemania. Here, take some chips and let’s play Pong on this Playstation 2.” Stacy Kiebler asks Test to just get up and get ready for his match already, but Test is too lazy. Finally Stacy brings up the fact that his Immunity is almost up and that the WWE isn’t too happy with him, even if he’s got big Testicles. Test turns to Coach Nash, “Sorry, Coach. But, she’s right. I can’t be sitting around backstage when I could get fired. I don’t think my Testicles could take it!” Coach Nash is disappointed, but reminds Test of the two things that are KEY to being a good Kevin Nash: Lazyness and a Tag Team partner that can carry you. For no reason, Stacy bends over…

RNN report! Randy Orton. SWM. Enjoys long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, and ball room dancing. Turnoffs include: Smoking, Heavy Drinking, and Facial Hair. If you’re a female aged 18-30 who is interested in a friendship (possibly more!) e-mail Randy at GetWellRandy@WWE.com

(ads)

Test and Stevie Richards v. The Hurricane and Goldust

Coach Nash is unhappy. Test wheels himself down to ringside and Stacy and Stevie roll him into the ring. Hurricane and Goldust beat on Test, but he no-sells. Finally, Hurricane becomes so exhausted that he falls over, so Tests rolls over onto Hurricane and pins him. Stevie gropes Stacy, but Test jumps up and boots Stevie with his bad leg. Test no-sells major injury! Somewhere, HHH’s quad is rolling in its grave!

Backstage, Booker T. asks HHH what’s the word on the street? HHH says that the word is that Booker T is going to job in the Elimination chamber. Booker looks on sadly as HHH practices not jobbing in his new body.

HHH (w/ Ric Flair) v. Booker T

Booker fends off both Triple H and Flair,
And looks at his hand with a minute to spare.
But Hunter is crafty and uses the low blow.
A Pedigree. Hunter’s not jobbing, you know.
Then, the Heart Break Kid runs in and attacks.
Jericho dashes to defend Flair and Hunter’s backs.
Then, RVD hurries out, to be Jericho’s bane
What this segment needs, is a little more Kane!
Booker is jumping, what is a fan to do?
Why, order Survivors Series, only on Pay Per View!

Next Week on RAW:

Who will be WWE World Champion? Can ANYONE Survive…um…The Series? Wait…Did I just Write a Poem?

(edited by Excalibur05 on 12.11.02 0004)



Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (2-7) - I don't know. I didn't see it. Just saw that we lost.
Badgers (6-5) - Slipping into mediocrity six weeks in a row.
Buffy 7.Uhh Whatever this last one was earns a 7.00000314159 because the begining was terrible, but the meat of the episode was hillarious. But filler. Just like most of Season One...Is this some kind of whacky time warp?
Promote this thread!
Stephanie
Landjager








Since: 2.1.02
From: Madison, WI

Since last post: 523 days
Last activity: 15 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.22

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Christian and Jericho are with Teri. Christian says that he’s going to be in the Elimination Chamber because he’d be the only one in the match willing to take bumps. Jericho is offended and throws Christian into a vat of acid.

    Shawn Michaels is backstage playing Jesus Dance Beat. Oh, man! Level 8 is like so hard. It’s really difficult to keep up with the complex set of dance moves during “Michael Row Your Boat Ashore”. Shawn is handling it nicely though.



Somehow, I find these two images incredibly funny.

Steph



I'm going twenty-four hours a day...I can't seem to stop
- "Turn Up The Radio", Autograph
tomvejada
Andouille








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 4076 days
Last activity: 4075 days
#3 Posted on
Funny column, Excalibur.



"I just got pinned by a friggin twelve-year-old."

Kurt Angle
cranlsn
Liverwurst








Since: 18.3.02
From: Sussex, WI

Since last post: 15 days
Last activity: 16 hours
#4 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Eric Bischoff is out to talk about the Elimination Chamber. Um…It’s a chamber. And people get eliminated. Maybe somebody will get stuck in their little cage. That’d be funny.




How very Spinal Tap! If this actually happens, I'll die a happy man.



8-1 Bring on the Vikings!

skorpio17
Morcilla








Since: 11.7.02
From: New Jersey

Since last post: 2411 days
Last activity: 2411 days
#5 Posted on
Very good. It's consistently funny shit.
Love the poem at the end.
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 10 hours
AIM:  
#6 Posted on
You're all too kind.

Just a little added question for any "regular readers" (Do I have regular readers?) out there:

Is there any particular angle you want to see continued/dropped?

It's hard to gauge where I'm firing/misfiring, because I think ALL my stuff is great. Let me know...Or not.

Anywho, thanks again!




Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (2-7) - I don't know. I didn't see it. Just saw that we lost.
Badgers (6-5) - Slipping into mediocrity six weeks in a row.
Buffy 7.Uhh Whatever this last one was earns a 7.00000314159 because the begining was terrible, but the meat of the episode was hillarious. But filler. Just like most of Season One...Is this some kind of whacky time warp?
Net Hack Slasher
Banger








Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 3591 days
Last activity: 2011 days
#7 Posted on
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    >Is there any particular angle you want to see continued/dropped?


Angle? I thought it was ALL true. LOL

Teri with one R (what is that a WWE budget cut). The Shawn playing Jesus Dance beats paragraphs had me so lost but laughing anyways =)

Good job Excalibur version 5

(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 14.11.02 0551)


Now *that* post was special
Stephanie
Landjager








Since: 2.1.02
From: Madison, WI

Since last post: 523 days
Last activity: 15 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.22

    Originally posted by Net Hack Slasher
    The Shawn playing Jesus Dance beats paragraphs had me so lost but laughing anyways


It's a riff on the arcade game Dance Dance Revolution (DDR). DDR is like the old electronic game Simon, but instead of pressing colored panels in time to a flashed sequence, you step on colored panels in a sequence shown on a video monitor (backed by dance-type music). Of late, Shawn has been dancing around each time he appears on camera, and he seems to be pushing a religious angle as well. So Excalibur combined Shawn's dancing and religion in a session of Christian DDR, which he calls Jesus Dance Beat.

Does that clear the fog?

Steph



I'm going twenty-four hours a day...I can't seem to stop
- "Turn Up The Radio", Autograph
socetew
Chourico








Since: 23.5.02
From: NYC, baby!

Since last post: 2870 days
Last activity: 2867 days
AIM:  
#9 Posted on
I enjoy the satires much more than the original show! I love funny wrestling takes! Good work.

Hey, question: Is Deacon Bautista a/k/a Leviathan's real name actually David Davidson? Because I have a friend named David Davidson... most likely not the same person, but it's still pretty funny.. now I know 3 of them.

-soce, the elemental wizard



How serious is serious?

Elemental Wizardry online
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 10 hours
AIM:  
#10 Posted on

    Originally posted by socetew
    I enjoy the satires much more than the original show! I love funny wrestling takes! Good work.

    Hey, question: Is Deacon Bautista a/k/a Leviathan's real name actually David Davidson? Because I have a friend named David Davidson... most likely not the same person, but it's still pretty funny.. now I know 3 of them.

    -soce, the elemental wizard



His real name is Dave Bautista as far as I can tell. But after the thread about how vanilla the name "David" Bautista was, I thought it'd be funny if his name was actually something even more vanilla like David Davidson. But the joke lies in the fact that his nickname on the show is "David Davidson"...Thus he's "David" Bautista "Davidson".

On Jesus Dance Beat...

It's a cross between a couple things. As Stephanie said, Shawn dances alot and he is suddenly very religious, plus I like making fun of Dance Dance Revolution. The three things combined...comic gold. Also thrown in for good measure is DDR clone Britney's Dance Beat, staring pop princess Britney Spears, because the idea of Jesus dancing to "Oops I Did It Again" makes me laugh.




Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)

Vikings (2-7) - I don't know. I didn't see it. Just saw that we lost.
Badgers (6-5) - Slipping into mediocrity six weeks in a row.
Buffy 7.Uhh Whatever this last one was earns a 7.00000314159 because the begining was terrible, but the meat of the episode was hillarious. But filler. Just like most of Season One...Is this some kind of whacky time warp?
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