Welcome to the first installment of Raw Regurgitated, the recap that puts the unf in fun.
Let me start this off by admitting I'm in an apparent minority. I actually enjoy watching the WWE. Perhaps, if I spend some more time on wrestling sites, I can become one of those entertaining people who hate every single show yet continue to watch each and every week. In time, I might even become one of those elite few who can pick apart, in detail, shows I never even watched based on Internet recaps! But for now, I'm just a lowly wrestling fan who happens to use the Internet as well and has a little too much time on my hands. In other words, don't expect anything special from this recap but for those of you who are just curious about what happened and don't care to listen to jaded whining, here you go.
We start out with an excellent video recap of the Kane/HHH storyline thus far. The video was as good as anything you see in movie trailers and I would think Vince could make some money hiring out his production crew to movie studios.
We start out with HHH and Flair coming down for an interview. HHH shoots on the Internet crowd, referring to "writers" and stating that he's untouchable. HHH states that he could quite possibly be the greatest heavyweight champion of all time, thus giving Flair a reason to turn on him if they go with the obvious HHH vs. Kane feud. Helmsley then reveals that he has a video of Kane having sex with Katie Vick that will finally answer the question of whether she was alive or dead at the time. Hurricane comes down to stand up for his friend, attacking HHH and Flair. In a burst of intelligence, rather than stick around to fight, Helms tries to flee the area as soon as he has his hands on the tape, only to run smack into a clothesline from The Game. Raw's resident superhero is then beaten down as HHH announces that he's going to play the tape later tonight and we cut to commercial break.
Jeff Hardy vs. Christopher Nowinski An entertaining but forgettable match from these two. Jeff Hardy looked crisp and on target tonight, which is odd since most Internet fans were sounding his death toll after his match a few weeks ago in Denver where he was obviously hopped up on heroin and couldn't have possibly been sick or anything like that. Because wrestlers never have bad nights or headaches or anything non-melodramatic like that. Anywayz, a good effort from both competitors that ends when Al Snow prevents Harvard Chris from using a chair, resulting in Jeff Hardy kicking the chair into Nowinski's face. Chris then ends up face first on the chair. When Jeff goes for the Swanton Bomb, Snow pulls Nowinski out of the way to prevent his recently operated upon jaw from being further injured. Jeff lands back first on the chair and Nowinski rolls him up for the win. Dirty looks of non-appreciation from Nowinski to Snow afterwards.
Eric Bischoff is watching the tape of Big Show threatening him at No Mercy when he's interrupted by Stacy Keibler. Stacy asks if she can referee again and Bischoff blows her off, saying she can referee any match she wants but the main event. (Do they actually make plastic makeup or does Kiebler wrap her face in saran wrap or something?) Big Show then arrives and Bischoff informs him that he'll be facing Rico, Jamal & Rosey in a handicap match.
When we return from commercial break, Tommy Dreamer confronts Al Snow about his interference in Dreamer's match with Nowinski last week that cost Dreamer the victory. Snow said he was just trying to keep one of his kids from being hurt. Dreamer informs Snow that they have a Singapore Cane match later tonight. Al protests as Dreamer walks off but is cut off by Nowinski who informs him that Al's help is unnecessary and unwarrented.
Lance Storm & William Regal vs. Bubba Ray & Spike Dudley This match is to determine who the #1 contenders are for Christian & Jericho's World Tag Team Championships. Before the match, Storm & Regal (with their respective flags in tow) cut a promo to announce that while The Unamericans are no more, they still hate America. Storm certainly got the best end of the stick from the Unamericans makeovers. I guess that's the benefit of having your wife sew your clothes as opposed to someone who doesn't care how much of a dork you look like.
Another match that, while forgettable tomorrow, was still entertaining to watch. The Dudleys win the match but their #1 contendership might be in jeopardy as Bubba sells his concussion from the TLC match and regal roughs up Spike with the brass knuckles, causing Spike to bleed from the mouth. Time for another commercial break.
Trish Stratus is doing a photoshoot backstage. The photographer asks her about Victoria's allegations that Trish slept her way into the WWE and Trish says Victoria is nothing more than a sick psychopath (as opposed to all those perfectly healthy psychopaths) who is obsessed with her sex life. Chris Jericho and Christian then show up and reference Trish's trist with Vince McMahon in a hilarious spot that has both of them barking at her. Jericho then tells Trish than it's obvious that she wants him and promises her an injection of Vitamin C after their Six Man match tonight. Jericho and Christian have great chemistry together. It's too bad their separate entrances seem to indicate they won't be together for very long.
Eric Bischoff walks out on stage and rambles on about one upping Stephanie. In response to the Hell in a Cell from No Mercy, Bischoff announces that at Survivor Series, he will debut the Elimination Chamber. I have horrible visions of Abdullah the Butcher being electrocuted on top of a triple cage. Fortunately, we go to commercial break again, so I can distract myself from that thought by obtaining a Dr. Pepper.
D-Lo Brown vs. Test Stacy Keibler is the special referee for this match and shows prejudice before the match even begins by opening the ropes for Test and then slapping D-Lo. A quick match that features Stacy giving D-Lo a slow count after that stupid leg drop he does and then, after D-Lo hits the sky high, Stacy misses the cover while tying her shoe. Note, the camera actually caught Stacy's shoe being untied shortly before that. And you people say the WWE can't do continuity! As D-Lo argues with Stacy, Test hits the Big Boot and Stacy gives him a quick three count for the win. She then jumps into his arms and walks up the ramp with him.
Backstage, Terri attempts to interview Victoria but they're interrupted by Goldust (who impersonates his father and Oprah Winfrey) and then by Booker T who states that he's going to give Chris Jericho a shot of Vitamin T straight up his ass. Booker T points out that you can't spell Jericho without HO and the guy dressed in drag sexually harasses the woman. Not one of Booker T & Goldust's better interviews. Now for a word from our sponsors.
Trish Stratus, Booker T & Goldust vs Victoria, Christian & Chris Jericho This is an Intergender Match which means the men can wrestle the women. I guess it's a Mixed Tag where you can only wrestle someone of your own gender. I blame Goldust for the confusion. Good match that features action from everybody and no particular male on female brutality until Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Trish and refuses to release it after she taps out.
Before we go to commercial, we're treated with HHH informing the guys in the truck not to play the video until he tells them too.
And now it's time for the most digusting, morally offensive piece of trash the WWE has ever produced. In fact, it's so reprehensible that I'm willing to bet they lose at least 400% of their viewership as a result.
The video begins as Kane enters an empty funeral home. The display at the bottom says that this took place in 1992 and Kane is proudly wearing the Big Freakin' Machine t-shirt that the WWE designed for him 10 years later. (And you people say they never book ahead of time!) Since nobody is around (even though the camera is moving so as to be obviously held by a person) Kane decides to get what he missed out on before Katie's death. Don't worry, though. It's not rape because she asked him to do it. I didn't actually hear her asking but Kane is answering, so there must just be a problem with the camera's sound. Kane sounds a lot like HHH. After groping her breasts, Kane then removes his shirt to reveal that 10 years ago, he was built exactly like HHH. They must have put him in one of those medieval racks when he was in the asylum after this because he was shorter back then too. Anywayz, Kane then hops into the casket and begins humping away at Katie Vick's dead body. After he's done, Katie apparently informs Kane that he did it. "What? I did it? I really did it?" and Kane reaches down by her head and lifts up a big slimy glob. "You're right, I really did screw your brains out."
Back on stage, HHH is laughing his ass off and Kane slams the door in Terri's face. We then go to commercial and I'm glad because I hurt my arm when I fell off the couch from laughing so hard.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Al Snow The match starts with a lightsabre Sinapore cane duel followed by each competitor hitting the other one with their cane. I don't recally any actual wrestling in the match, come to think of it, other than Al Snow headbutting Dreamer repeatedly. The match ends when Nowinski comes down to ringside and swings for Dreamer but misses and knocks out Al Snow. After the match, Dreamer appears dissatisfied with his victory as we go to another commercial break.
Big Show vs. Rico, Jamal & Rosey This is a good match as Show does what a 7'4" 500lb man should do, regardless of how many opponents he has. He brutalizes them. Show knocks the Island Boyz out of the ring and beats up Rico. As he goes for the chokeslam, the Jamal & Rosey break it up. He then throws Rico out of the ring and beats on the Samoans. After knocking them back in the ring, he goes after Rico again but another chokeslam attempt is broken up. The Island Boyz hold show as Rico goes for a kick but Show kicks Rico instead and then smashes Jamal & Rosey into one another (wisely avoiding smashing their heads together). He then clears the ring and chokeslams Jamal for the win just in time for another round of commercials.
Coach attempts to interview The Big Show but is interrupted as Bischoff tells Show he's just been traded. Line of the night as Show informs Coach "Don't feel sorry for me, you still have to work for the -beep-."
Interview with HBK who's still wheelchair bound. He regurgitates the same stuff he said last interview but then stands up and announces that he's mobile once again and HHH better watch his back because HBK could come down the ramp, out of the crowd, from under the ring or down from the rafters. Here's hoping that Michaels stalks HHH until Wrestlemania, as long as it's not in black & white facepaint and a black trenchcoat.
Kane & Rob Van Dam vs. HHH & Ric Flair The match itself was good but Jim Ross' commentary was even better with lines such as "There's no semen in wrestling." references to Mae Young giving birth to a hand and then, as Flair climbs the ropes... "Now this never works. What an idiot." Kane slams Flair off the top. "See? He's been trying that for 20 years. Some day he's actually going to come off the top." RVD looks particularly sloppy in this match, nearly botching a roll up and hitting some pretty weak looking offense. RVD must be on heroin! Oh, wait, that's how RVD always wrestles, nevermind. Kane & HHH battle up the ramp as RVD lands the 5 Star Frog Splash in the ring for the win.
Cut to the back as HHH and Kane are battling in the parking garage. After a chokeslam on the hood, Kane throws HHH into the trunk and drives off. Maybe he's going to throw him off a bridge and make him find the old Intercontinental title belt?
All in all, a solid show. I was laughing hard on 2 separate occasions and that's more than just about any other 2 hours of television programming can accomplish, so I'm satisfied with the show. Then again, I actually enjoy wrestling, so my opinion doesn't count for much on the Internet.
Originally posted by Super Shane SpearHold on. I noticed that you weren't able to insult "internet fans" during the Dudleys match. I didn't know whether that was a typo or what.
Oh, I'm sure I could have, it's not like it's difficult to insult Internet fans. However, seeing as how I only made jokes targetted at Internet fans during the recaps of 2 of the 7 matches, I'm not quite sure of your point. You must be confusing this particular recap written out of boredom with the one I did several weeks ago. Regardless, this might help.
"And in front of the entire world, I want to show my little boy that sometimes - just sometimes, you have to FIGHT to be a man." - Michael S. Hickenbottom, the man who does not take part in angles that conflict with his religion, swearing violent revenge on HHH in full view of his two-year-old son. 11:06 PM, EST. 08/05/02. This angle, which has gone from being a "clean" wrestling match to an all-out unsanctioned street fight for bloody revenge is apparently sponsored by the book of Joshua.
While I don't agree with your tone, I do agree with the message. Too many people take this crap too seriously. Some people need to reevaluate why they watch the shows when all they do is bitch about them. It's like Torch reviews. Why even go and read 'em? You KNOW they're gonna' be negative.
I generally try and avoid the wrestling topic here, but couldn't help it for THIS edition of RAW. I still value other people's opinions, but tp be honest, they're just that. Opinions. Everyone's entitled to their own. I, personally, like the shows the WWE puts out lately, not ALWAYS. But most of the time. If I wasn't entertained, I wouldn't watch.
(edited by WhoBettahThanDeion on 21.10.02 2250) "WHO WRITES THIS CRAP!?" -10/7/02 The night Kane was announced a murderer.
"Pootie Tang? More like Dootie Tang!" -Chris Rock
One word: BUCKEYES! With that being said, BLAM! In your face!
I don't necessarily agree that the IWC is 100% cynical. I kind of think of it this way...You and your friends go to a buffet. The food is great, but to get to the food you have to watch a guy pretend to fuck a corpse and listen to a known pedophile drool over it. When you get back to the table do you discuss the awesome food or the horror-show you just saw? The IWC (for the most part) is the same. I enjoyed Jericho, RVD, Booker, Golddust, Victoria, Trish, Snow, Nowinski, Hardy, Hurricane,Rico, Dreamer, and Christian. Test, Stacy, and D-lo was all right for what it was. For the first time in years, I care about what they are doing with Big Show. I didn't enjoy HHH, Kane, Flair, and 3 Minutes. But HHH/Kane was so bad, it nearly overshadowed the good.
I have no problem with low-brow humor either as long as it is A). in the right context and B). actually funny. On the first point, there are school age children in the audience. I'm not usually one to argue for censorship, but those people were under the impression that were getting TV-14 material, not TV-M. On the second point, if you want to see "good" absolutely tasteless comedy, watch an old Peter Jackson movie or John Waters. Go see GWAR. Screwed your brains out? Please explain to me how that is funny.
"Words to memorize. Words hypnotize. Words make my mouth exercise. Words all fail the magic prize. Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs."
Originally posted by astrobstrdScrewed your brains out? Please explain to me how that is funny.
I don't think I found the actual quote quite so funny as the fact that they actually had the balls to put the entire quote on TV. I guess I'm just entertained by watching people get offended. I still consider the Here Comes The Neighborhood episode of South Park to be the funniest thing ever shown on television.
Originally posted by astrobstrdI don't necessarily agree that the IWC is 100% cynical. I kind of think of it this way...You and your friends go to a buffet. The food is great, but to get to the food you have to watch a guy pretend to fuck a corpse and listen to a known pedophile drool over it. When you get back to the table do you discuss the awesome food or the horror-show you just saw? The IWC (for the most part) is the same. I enjoyed Jericho, RVD, Booker, Golddust, Victoria, Trish, Snow, Nowinski, Hardy, Hurricane,Rico, Dreamer, and Christian. Test, Stacy, and D-lo was all right for what it was. For the first time in years, I care about what they are doing with Big Show. I didn't enjoy HHH, Kane, Flair, and 3 Minutes. But HHH/Kane was so bad, it nearly overshadowed the good.
Now I think that's a well constructed analogy. (And thread-title-appropriate, besides!) But where I go with it is this: It is completely one's own decision about whether one chooses to focus on the horror-show, or whether one chooses to change the subject back to the awesome food. Focus on the enjoyable parts.
I don't think InVerse is saying that the IWC is 100% cynical. 90 ... 95% tops. :-) To me the thing I don't get is just how much energy some people will put into going on (& on & on) about the things they don't like. At least give equal time to the good parts.
Doink was going very well, with the coolest, creepiest entrance music ever, but the fans started getting into the evil clown character, so they turned him face and, like every cool heel that went face in the 90s, they completely eliminated everything that...