Steiner vs. Test (feud that will never end, slut vs. slut): At this point, even the front office has to realize Steiner is a monumental bust. Thus, since Test is much like Sid Eudy and the cockroach in the fact that he will never go away, Steiner should lose this match as the countdown til his contract expires continues. Test wins, Steiner is rented out to Pat Patterson by Test for the evening.
Trish/Lita vs. Gail/Molly: Trish should turn, but she should have turned months ago. Lita destroys Gail and Molly all by herself. Lita and Trish wins.
Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler (When Announcers Collide): The lesser of two evils is to split the crews, and make Ross and Snow the new announce team. Against all hope, I hope for the Double DQ, thus neither becomes the announce team on RAW, and David Crockett and Tony Schiavone will be announcing the action next Monday Night at 9ET.
Kane vs. Vince McMahon's Son: Since they are advertising this match to occur on the house show circuit for a month after the PPV, its safe to assume this feud won't be ending soon. When in doubt, pick a McMahon to win and kill the Kane momentum.
La Resistance/Conway vs. Dudleys (Table Match): At this point, the realization sets in that this PPV could really suck. Since the tag belts aren't on the line, it doesn't make sense for the tag champs to lose this match. La Resistance/Conway win, then drop the straps the next night on RAW.
Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton: I don't see anything special about Orton in the ring, but apparently the WWF/E does. Michaels jobbed on TV to Jericho and at the last PPV, so its always possible he tries to pull a power play to avoid doing another job. However, for now, Randy Orton goes over.
RVD vs. Christian vs. Jericho (I-C Title): Tough to pick, as Jericho and Christian have been Austin's bitches for months, while RVD has been Kane's for a few months. However, after having RVD get destroyed by Kane repeatedly while Vince McMahon's son seems to get the upper hand on Kane numerous times, something has to be done to save RVD's career. RVD wins the I-C title, in order to keep it warm for when they put it on Randy Orton at Survivor Series.
Triple H vs. Opponent (World Title): End of RAW makes you think Trip keeps the belt. However, after the hard push of his opponent, it makes little sense for them to drop him now (ok, little sense usually is rational thought for RAW). Trip drops the belt via DQ.
(edited by redsoxnation on 16.9.03 1545)
(edited by redsoxnation on 16.9.03 1547) Time to do a Red Sox pennant chase supply list: Arsenic: check. Cyanide: check. Booze: check. Fully loaded gun for full chamber Russian Roulette: check. Ok, I'm prepared, let the pennant race commence.
Steiner/Test: Steiner wins to set up another two months of matches with Test, and they trade Stacy back at Survivor Series.
Trish and Lita/Gail and Molly: Like they're going to job Lita out in her first match back. Faces go over.
Coach and Snow/Ross and Lawler: I'm pulling for Coach and Snow here, but I don't think they have a chance in hell. Ross is practically a honorary McMahon, and I don't think he's going to leave Raw unless he's carted off on a stretcher.
Kane/Shane: The Last Man Standing stip makes me think they're going to pull a repeat of Shane's LMS match with Big Show, with Shane pulling some sort of "clever trick" to win. If it's just going to be Kane killing Shane, why get fancy with the stips?
La Resistance and Conway/Dudleyz: Well, of course the Dudz always lose table matches. But La Resistance blows, and I think WWE's starting to realize they moved too soon on them. Dudz to win.
Michaels/Orton: Either Shawn jobs after a mass Evolution run-in and gets his win back on Raw the next night, or Shawn goes over and grudgingly does the job for Orton two or three weeks later. I'm hoping for the former.
IC three-way: Not much point in giving Jericho the title unless they plan to turn him face and feud him with Christian, an idea that does not thrill me. I'm going for Christian to retain and start a Christian/RVD feud for Survivor Series.
Triple H/Goldberg: I think I've gone into at least three PPVs this year saying, "Triple H -has- to lose the title now; they'd be crazy to book it any other way." So I'm trying to stay skeptical now. But frankly, I really can't see any other way out of this than to have Goldberg win, unless they go back on the career-ending stip somehow -- Austin ex machina, perhaps. But I'm thinking Goldberg.
"I do have a degree in electrical engineering... from almost 20 years ago. Punchcard systems were just becoming obsolete, we had rotary phones in the dorms, and a modem was still a gizmo the size of a shoebox into which you squooshed the phone receiver itself. In short, we lived like animals.
The instant obsolesence is why I became a writer. The rate of punctuation in a sentence doesn't double every 18 friggin' months, and you never have some 22-year-old looming over your shoulder, shaking his head, saying "dude... you're still using adverbs...?"
Triple H v. Goldberg Prediction: Goldberg wins the belt. It should go 5 minutes but it'll go a horrid 20 and Goldberg will be booed out of the building ala Scott Steiner.
Christian v RVD v Jericho - IC Title Prediction: Christian pins RVD to retain the title, then drops it to the returning Booker T in a few weeks
Shawn Michaels vs Randy Orton Prediction: Flair interferes, Maven tries to "help" but screws up and Orton wins
La Resistance/Conway vs Dudleys Prediction: Dudley Boyz need to get some heat back so they win. Grenier gets "injured" so he can take time off for his real injury and Conway replaces him as tag champion
Kane vs Shane O'Heat Stealer Prediction: Shane gets in way too much offense and upstages Kane by taking a huge bump. Kane wins.
Trish/Lita vs Gail/Molly Prediction: Way too early for a Trish turn. Lita pins Molly setting up a title match.
Steiner vs Test Prediction: Test wins so Gewirtz can do WHACKY COMEDY BITS~!
Coach/Snow vs Ross/Lawler Prediction: Good gawd, I hope Ross & Lawler win but it's all about the joke on RAW so Coach/Snow win and we have to suffer through Coach's atrocious play by play again.
If HHH drops the belt via DQ, I know a certain remote control that's going to be tossed through a certain TV...
TRIPLE H vs. GOLDBERG: Goldberg wins. It's the only viable solution.
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. RANDY ORTON: Put it this way...if Orton loses, it's the same as WWE coming out in the opening segment of Raw and saying "we're sorry, we didn't know what we're doing, Randy's a midcarder again". Orton wins, the push continues.
KANE vs. SHANE MCMAHON: I have to believe that the only reason Shane was injected into this angle at all is because he'll take the craziest bumps of anyone getting a WWE paycheque. Kane will do something really over the top to put Shane down.
JR/KING vs. AL SNOW/COACH: Everything going around seems to suggest that Al and Coach win this...and for reasons I've outlined in another thread (I don't feel like being repetitive) I think that's a good plan. The Heat team wins.
CHRISTIAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. ROB VAN DAM: Two options...either Christian comes out looking like the luckiest man alive and retains, or they try to rebuild RVD and the title simultaneously by going with Rob. I think it would have made more sense to make this one-on-one if a title change was coming, so instead Christian sneaks one out (and hopefully it leads somewhere).
FRENCHIES vs. DUDLEY BOYZ: Boring. Dudleyz win so they can take the feud without necessarily taking the titles. I think they should have furthered this angle by having the Dudz cost the Frenchies the titles against Hurricane/Rosey at some point over the past month, but I guess that's not my call to make. I really don't want another Dudleyz title reign.
MOLLY HOLLY/GAIL KIM vs. TRISH STRATUS/LITA: Lita wins to set up a new face in a womens title feud. Next.
SCOTT STEINER vs. TEST: They really shouldn't have added the Steiner stipulation to this match. Having Stacy turn heel with Test would have been a perfect way to end this feud. Now, regardless of what the outcome is, it seems like they're STILL not ready to end this snoozer. Steiner wins, because a Test win means they fight again at Armageddon.
World Heavyweight Chapmion: Triple H (basically a one year champ) Vs. Goldberg (the only reasonable face to take the title) in a Championship Vs. Goldberg's career. -Goldberg, no way in hell he will lose...
Kane Vs. Shane, Last man Standing -I am going with Kane on this one, but I sense that Shane gets one up on Kane, only to be destroyed for embarassing him.
Shawn Michaels Vs. The Old Lady Killer, Randy Orton -Randy, to make him believable
Intercontinental Champion: Christian Vs. Jericho Vs. RVD, IC Title Triple Threat -Jericho, to begin his face run
Dudleyz Vs. Resistance and Conway, Tables Match, elimination i'm guessing. -Dudleyz, um, why isn't there a summerslam rematch, they could have replaced god awful Test/Steiner for a Spike/Conway match
Scott Steiner Vs. Test, in if Steiner wins, he gets a chance to get Stacy, yet again, yet again, yet ag...ok anyways, and if Test wins, Steiner becomes his bitch, yawn. -Steiner, stupid ass match, bye bye Steiner, good luck at nwa tna, wait you're not worthy enou...nevermind.
Lita/Trish Vs. Gail/Molly -Lita Trish, that's all i have to say about that.
Coach/Snowman Vs. Queen/JRRRRRR, winner announcers Raw -king and jim, who thought of this shit? i think it's kind of cool the b team invaded the "a teams's" show, but they could've settled it on RAW, or move this shit to HEAT right before the ppv, but steiner/test still takes the ass sucking cookie.
good thing they show ppv at hooters for free, well, it doesn't look as near as bad as raw's first ppv "Bad", i mean "Bad Blood", but still, well i look foreward to Goldberg/Triple H, Jericho/RVD/Christian, and Kane/Shane.
Steiner vs. Test: Steiner, but Stacy turns on him shortly thereafter
Trish/Lita vs. Gail/Molly: Barring any odd turns, Trish/Lita
Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler: Coach/Snow.....they won't last for any length of time as announcers (hell, I'd be shocked if they make it one match before Stone Cold removes one or both of them), but they'll win here
Kane vs Shane: I like Shane, but they CAN'T be stupid enough to have HIM be the one to finally beat Kane. Kane obliterates him for the three hundredth time
La Resistance/Conway vs Dudleys: Jesus, this feud is STILL going on? Dudleys win
Shawn Michaels vs Randy Orton: Orton's push from hell continues over Shawn
RVD vs Christian vs. Jericho (I-C Title): Christian retains
Triple H vs Goldberg: Another month, another PPV, another example of how HHH WILL NEVER LOSE. Goldberg won't be retired of course, but he won't beat Jesus Helmsley either
(edited by Evil Antler God on 16.9.03 1631) Anybody can kick people's asses. But it takes a true monster to kick people's asses AND breastfeed at the same time - Excalibur05
Tripps vs. Goldberg for the World Heavyweight Title: Triple H never loses. Ever. HHH
Y2J vs. Christian vs. RVD for the Intercontinental Title: Jericho gets screwed by someone (maybe Randy Orton) and Christian retains to feud with RVD as Y2J moves on to bigger, better things. Christian
Trish/Lita vs. Molly/Gail: Molly and Gail could really use a solid win to establish them as legitimate bad asses. Trish/Lita
The Dudley Boyz (all 3) vs. La Resistance and their American friend, The Resistance: Austin puts the titles on the line to the last 2 standing, Spike and Conway win belts, hilarity ensues. Either that or Dudz win. Dudleyz
Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels: If Orton screws Jericho out of the IC title, Jericho screws Orton here. If not, Orton kinda-clean. Orton
Scott Steiner vs. Test in the feud that can only end in a Stacy on a Pole Match: Steiner wins, Stacy turns on him shortly thereafter. Thus, we get slutty heel Stacy, cocky heel Test and no more Steiner. Steiner
Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler; winners announce Raw: First off, Bischoff and somebody will do commentary. Secondly, I have no clue. Ross with a Stunner on Snow, just to piss everybody off the most. Ross/Lawler
Kane vs. Shane in a Last Man Standing aka How Big of a Bump Will Shane Take This Time Match: Kane by some absolutely sickening, gross, mutilating method. Like cutting half of one of his hairs. Kane
Sometimes I ask myself why I watch WWE after all the crap it's given me. HLA, necro, HHH, and so on. And then it hits me. That one simple phrase that can be modified and used for anything that gets you down, yet makes you keep coming back.
Every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it after sitting through this shit.
Steiner vs. Test -- SCOTT STEINER -- This feud is STILL going on, Stacy is getting passed around with two of the biggest losers in the WWE. Personally I'd like to see Stacy tell them both to F-off and end this sorry storyline.
Trish/Lita vs. Gail/Molly -- PICK: TRISH STRATUS & LITA -- Trish will bump bump sell sell sell bump sell bump bump bump sell bump tag to Lita who will hit 4 moves on each girl and get the pinfall. Ahhhhhh
Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler -- JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER -- If I had too choice a winner, just cause I'm sure the winner will finish off the PPV, unless this is the main event. But what I do see is some sort of DOUBLE DQ/countout thing. Therefore having both annouce teams on Raw. Heat team for hour 1, Ross/Lawler hour 2. Maybe even split them up and have a team of Coach/Lawler and Ross/Snow. Personally give me Josh Mathews over any of these 4.
Kane vs. Shane -- PICK: KANE -- Kane should win, but there is word that Shane is doing houseshows vs. Kane after this. God who knows and how can you take this match seriously after one was already thrown in a dumpster full of fire adn was back a week later.
La Resistance/Conway vs. Dudleyz3 -- PICK: DUDLEY BOYZ 3 -- Pretty sure bet, Dudley's match, they have been punked out for weeks by the Frenchies. Dudley's take this one
Michaels vs. Orton -- PICK: RANDY ORTON -- There not going to stop this forced Orton push now.
RVD vs. Christian vs. Jericho -- PICK: CHRISTIAN -- This one is so tough, I'm kinda digging "Christian: disrespected champion". But I'm thinking they might give this to RVD, hopefully to make him happier. But I gotta go with Christian because he's using the best new line "Excuse Me! IC champ over here"
HHH vs. Goldberg -- PICK: BILL GOLDBERG -- They made this as obvious as possible with the lame retirement stipulation, took all the drama out of it. I bet a total cheap ending ala countout or DQ
Originally posted by Net Hack SlasherRVD vs. Christian vs. Jericho -- PICK: CHRISTIAN -- This one is so tough, I'm kinda digging "Christian: disrespected champion". But I'm thinking they might give this to RVD, hopefully to make him happier. But I gotta go with Christian because he's using the best new line "Excuse Me! IC champ over here"
Christian's been GREAT with the whole People's Champ thing, and with the Rock appearing next week (even if for just another "Live" interview) they could always have the two of them go at it again verbally.
Because of all the public bitching RVD's been doing about the WWE and it's booking in the past few months, I don't know who is going to win the match, but I'll bet anyone that RVD is the guy that they job to do it.
Wrestling exists in the eternal present. What is, has always been, and when it no longer is, it never was. It has no past and no future, and sometimes even today is in question. - Madame Manga
Click Here (welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Clash Of the Titans: Scott Steiner vs. Test [with Stacy] Uh...this is STILL going on? I'm so not paying to see another stall tactic. GUT TELLS ME: Steiner wins, gets Stacy back BRAIN TELLS ME: Test wins, gets Steiner as his bitch PREDICTION: Test wins, because the Steiner win'd be somewhat predictable
Hot-Hot! Women's Match: Lita & Trish vs. Molly & Gail Everybody gave up their last names for the sake of space. GUT: They wouldn't bring Lita back to job her first match out. BRIAN: Same. PREDICTION: Lita & Trish win, match is UGLY.
Announcer's Match (aka Pissbreak Invitational): Jim Ross & The King vs. Al Snow & The Coach GUT: Why is this on here? *Yawn* Uh...they'd wanna change the status quo, so King & JR LOSE. BRAIN: Why mess with what works? JR & King WIN. PREDICTION: Uh...I don't care. I guess JR & King win.
Last Man Standing: The Monsterous KANE vs. The Cantankerous SHANE GUT: Shane wins. BRAIN: Shane isn't a wrestler. Kane wins. PREDICTION: Shane wins.
6 Man Table Match: Team Green (Grenier, Dupree & Conway) vs. Team Extreme (Spike, Bubba & D-Von) GUT: Young guys win. BRAIN: Established guys win, if this is the payoff match. PREDICTION: If this was the payoff, it'd be for the titles. The French win.
HBK vs. RKO: Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton GUT: Put young guy over. BRAIN: Does HBK EVER put anyone other than HHH over? PREDICTION: HBK
IC Title Match: Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Christian GUT: RVD wins to make up for the Kane debacle. BRAIN: Why cut Christian's reign short? PREDICTION: Jericho, to further the eventual Christian face turn.
(WC)World Title vs. Career: Goldberg vs. HHH GUT: Goldberg. They wouldn't let him leave, right? BRAIN: Goldberg. PREDICTION: HHH, via some wacky shenanigans, setting up a rematch on RAW that Austin orders, allowing Goldberg to win and the WWE to toss away a big money match on free TV.
My Calgary Flames are currently tied for first place overall with a record of 0-0-0-0. It's training camp, but it's a start, right?
O.F.B.'s OFFICIAL WWE RAW presents UNFORGIVEN 2003 predictions~!
PREDICTION #1: I won't be ordering this pile of shit.
NEVER-ENDING FEUD MATCH WINNER RAPES LOSER: Test VS Scott Steiner Hey, that's what I'm getting out of the stips - this match is for the right to be the pitcher in some hardcore gay sex afterwards. And I'm sure it's "winner gets Stacy" again, because lord knows they've only had eight or nine matches with that stip. Thank god they've been dragging this one out since around Wrestlemania. FUZZY SEZ: Test wins - otherwise this might, you know, end.
WOMENS TAG TEAM MATCH Trish Stratus and Lita VS Molly Holly and Gail Kim Fuck you, I missed Lita. She's not the best wrestler in the world, but she's insanely likable - and the fact that she spent her time off working at an animal shelter totally warms my heart. FUZZY SEZ: Trish and Lita - like everyone said, Lita's not jobbing her first match back.
MATCH OF THE YEAR CANTIDATE WINNERS ANNOUNCE RAW: Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler VS Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman You know, the Coach is terrible on play-by-play - but I'm rooting like hell for the Heat team if only for a few glorious weeks without Jim Ross getting indignant because La Resistance does something and Jerry Lawler screaming about tits. FUZZY SEZ: Oh, probably J.R. and Lawler. Everytime the WWE creates a unique situation to switch up the status quo, they never actually follow through on it.
LAST MAN STANDING Shane McMahon VS Kane *sigh* Are we all going to bitch about Shane again, and pretend once again that he doesn't always have a great match. Not a wrestler? I don't buy that. He's sure a more entertaining wrestler than the guy who's going to win the title in this show. FUZZY SEZ: Kane will probably do something horrible to Shane again - throwing him off a high place on the set, most likely, leading to his victory.
PISSBREAK SPECIAL Bubba Ray, D-Von and Spike Dudley VS La Resistance and Rob Conway Oh, who gives a shit? FUZZY SEZ: Probably La Resistance so we can stretch this feud out even further. Why aren't they back in OVW yet? Do they really just have jobs because they have French names?
Shawn Michaels VS Randy Orton Actually, Shawn hasn't gone over anyone since his return to the WWE except his first match with HHH and his first match with Chris Jericho. Aside from that, he's been jobbing left and right. FUZZY SEZ: I'm sure that'll continue here, as they seem compelled to push Randy Orton to the moon. I don't hate him as much as some, but I don't see why they think he's ready to compete on a main event level.
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP TRIPLE-THREAT MATCH: Christian VS Rob Van Dam VS Chris Jericho Probably your match of the night here, if it's given enough time. FUZZY SEZ: I want to say Jericho, but Goldberg's going to need an opponent or two before he drops the belt and he got a decent match out of the lump once before. I still think there's going to be a new champ - especially since Christian isn't even *supposed* to be champion - so that leaves it with Harvey Dee.
"MAIN EVENT" WORLD TITLE MATCH - TITLE v. CAREER HHH VS Goldberg See Dudleyz v. La Resistance. FUZZY SEZ: Goldberg wins; makes stupid faces; manages to have a less interesting title reign than HHH. Personally, I hope HHH wins and they hold to the stips forever. That'd be nice.
(edited by OlFuzzyBastard on 17.9.03 0731) "The most important thing is for us to find Osama Bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until he find him." -George W. Bush, September 13, 2001
"I don't know where he is. I have no idea and I really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." George W. Bush, March 13, 2002
Hmmm, I can get it for free, I have no work on Monday.... guess I might as well watch it.
Steiner - Test: Steiner has to win, because Steiner as catcher to Test's pitcher < Katie Vick
Lita/Trish - Molly/Gail Kim: Lita on her return has to win, and she will beat Molly. Two questions - 1) Who will have the scariest hurricarana? 2) Have Lita/Trish ever teamed together before, since they were deadly rivals through 2000?
Lawler/King - Snow/Coach: Snow and Coach, but with SHENANIGANS~! so that Austin can reinstate JR and King (probably with a rematch on RAW. If we are 'lucky')
Dudleyzzz - Evil French/Evil Liberal: Dudzzz to win, probably with the Grenier injury as fuelinjected says.
Christian - Jericho - RVD: Christian to retain to try and give the belt some credibilty, and what other way is there to gain cred that beating RVD.
HBK - Orton: Since Orton is The Next Big Thing, I guess Shawn jobs.
Kane - Shane: This had better be a massacre ending with a Kane victory or I will never watch RAW again, write to my MP, yadda yadda yadda...
HHH - Goldberg: Happy honeymoon, Trip! We'll have Bill keep it nice and warm for your return.
Dear God, doing these predictions has made me rethink my decision at the beginning. I'm about 10000x more pumped for Smackdown! on Saturday.
...full of energy. Multi-orgasmic, if you will, in a cosmic sort of way."
Steiner vs Test: Don't imagine many people care about the most apathetic feud in WWE history, but with the stipulation, Test gets the win. They have to do the vignettes with Steiner standing on one side of the room making faces while grunting sounds are heard from out of camera shot. "Hilarity" ensues...
Trish & Lita vs Gail & Molly: Heels have gotten too many wins over Trish, and Lita returning doesn't equal a face loss. I wish I hadn't missed RAW on Monday just to see how Lita is looking these days, but them's the breaks. Can't wait for Lita vs Victoria.
Announcers vs Announcers: Why not just have Snow and Coach just keep cutting off the other two's microphones since they apparently can do it at will? And if they do pull off the win and get the RAW duties, are JR and King supposed to do Heat? No dice. If Heyman isn't coming back to work with Lesner, let's see Joey Styles and Heyman take RAW's duties after a overbooked double-DQ screw job multiple-runin countout schmozz and let the folks at home make an extra big tub of popcorn.
Kane vs Shane: If they're on the house shows, there's no reason for Shane to go over now. Let him do it at Survivor Series in an Inferno match (where he doesn't have to be physically dominant). Kane wins after a chokeslam and 2 tombstones.
Tag Table Match: It's about time for another Dudley reign or split. Spike is left 1 on 3 to put heat on the heels. Duds 3D everybody afterward to kill that same heat.
Michaels vs Orton: If the new Evolution is to be believed, Orton wins in semi-clean fashion here. Flair runs in and clocks HBK for a near fall. Maven clears out Flair and both stick around for the rest of the match. Give it another 3-5 minutes and RKO wins it for the new Rock.
IC Title 3-way: Christian is dominated by both guys. Lionsault on Christian gets him a 5-star and RVD pins Christian.
Goldberg vs HHH: Somebody's got a honeymoon coming up and a painful groin injury. Bad combination... Anyway, Goldberg wins in dominating fashion, since even if HHH may want 20 minutes, I'd be suprised if they go as high as 10. Goldberg wins and gold confetti falls from the rafters. (Very MANLY confetti too, befitting his more retro-Goldberg intensity)
Monday night, Orton confronts HHH for losing "their" world title. In a 6-man match, HBK, RVD and Maven take on Evolution. After RVD eats a pedigree and HBK gets the RKO, Maven turns and HHH gets replaced in violent fashion by the new Evolution.
Scott Steiner vs. Test Test wins thanks to a shocking swerve courtesy of Stacy turning on Steiner. The next night, Stacy cuts an absolutely horrid promo (as if she can do any other kind) about what an asshole Steiner is, or something along those lines, and that it was a setup all along.
Trish & Lita vs. Molly & Gail Lita gets the pin for the win. Trish's turn won't happen until Lita faces Molly for the title.
Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler vs. Jonathon Coachman & Al Snow Coach & Al win but the next night, Austin trades Al Snow to Stephanie for a case of beer and we end up with Coach & Jim Ross as the commentators.
Kane vs. Shane McMahon Kane does to Shane what Bischoff claimed to do to Shane's mom. Okay, maybe not, but that would be a logical escalation of their torturing each other. Kane absolutely anhiliates Shane, however, building himself up for a feud with Goldberg where Kane wins the title and then refuses to show up on Raw the next night, ensuring himself a title reign of at least 2 days.
La Resistance & Rob Conway vs. The Dudleyz This is the hardest one to call for me. My initial reaction was to go with the Dudleyz winning and then taking the tag titles the next night, but I've changed my mind. Spike gets revenge by putting both members of La Resistance through tables but Conway (with help of a chair, flagpole or both) comes back to win the match, thus letting Conway escape from this angle and still leaving the Dudleyz in position to take the tag titles within a month.
Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton Another one I could see going either way. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Orton loses and blames it on Flair & HHH for not coming to his aid. If Flair comes to the ring with Orton, though, I'll give the match to Orton by interference from Flair.
Rob Van Dam vs. Christian vs. Chris Jericho Rob Van Dam wins by pinning Jericho, probably after a belt shot to Jericho from Christian. Sets up a Jericho/Christian feud and lets Van Dam go on to something else for a bit. Unfortunately, I can't think of any worthy heel IC contenders off the top of my head. Maybe this is where they'll send Conway.
HHH vs. Goldberg My feelings on this hinge on the outcome of the Orton/Michaels match. If Orton loses, I say he comes down and gets HHH disqualified, jump starting the HHH/Orton feud which will let Goldberg go on to face Kane without HHH being involved in the main event, yet still keeping HHH in a high profile storyline. If Orton wins his match, I say HHH gets himself disqualified, and the Evolution breakup results from Orton bragging about how he won and HHH lost. Either way, Goldberg walks out with the belt.
Incidentally, has anyone realized that every single match on this card has over a month of buildup? Some of them have a couple of months of buildup and 2 of the matches (Steiner/Test & La Resistance/Dudleyz) have been building for nearly 8 years at this point. The only match that doesn't have a lot of specific buildup is the IC title match and even that has plenty of back history. Jericho & Christian have been looking to explode on one another for nearly a year now and Jericho took the IC title from Van Dam last year before Kane won it to unify the World/IC titles. For all the bitching about the card, you'd think that someone would notice that the WWE finally followed through on the promise of split PPVs allowing for more build up.
Dudleys vs. La Resistance: Dudleys, both to get their heat back and as punishment to La Res for nearly killing Spike with their sloppy work. Generally, when a team is seen as a health risk they get pushed to jobber status in an eyeblink, like 3 Minute Warning did.
Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler: Ross and Lawler, simply because I don’t think the WWE. But the true losers are the fans.
Test vs. Steiner: What I want to know is this: anyone think Steiner will do another trip off the ring apron? Funniest blooper of the year!
Christian vs. RVD vs. Jericho: I actually want to see Christian win this one with a cheap pin over Jericho. But it’d probably be RVD, since he’s the least-logical candidate from a storyline perspective. It’s sad – with the proper booking this could have been a great match. But they threw RVD in as the sole “babyface” even though he’s barely expressed the slightest interest in either it or Christian. If he wins, it’ll only serve to devalue the title. If CRZ were still writing recaps, RVD would get the coveted “Had Nothing Better To Do” surname that he stole from Kane.
Michaels vs. Orton: Orton wins via interference from someone. Maybe Maven. This way Shawn doesn’t do a clean job, while Orton continues to establish himself as the “Legend Killer.”
HHH vs. Goldberg: HHH dominates the majority of the match, but can’t put Goldberg down. However, it’ll take two Jackhammers to get the pin.
Ah well. I’ve got tickets to Finger Eleven/Evanescence that night, so I won’t be there to see it.
"Generally, when a team is seen as a health risk they get pushed to jobber status in an eyeblink, like 3 Minute Warning did."
3MW got demoted after Jamal slugged a cop at a nightclub, IIRC. WWE have NO qualms about pushing a cripplin' machine-check out Ahmed Johnson's numerous pushes in the late-90s.
And now, THE PICKS:
Trish & Lita Vs. Molly & Gail WHAT I'D BOOK: Jazz joins the heels to form a villainous triumvarate, handing them the win. Commence mega-heel beatdown, and Trish and Lita being forced to "do something they never thought they would"-call on ~PSYCHO FACE VICTORIA~ for help. This is more me pushing for a face Victoria/Stevie combo, which I think could get over huge, but hey. WHT THEY'LL BOOK: Lita and Trish go over in a fairly decent tag match, establishing Lita as the next big chellenger to Molly and FINALLY moving the focus away from the overexposed Trish.
Tables Match: The Dudley Boyz/Li'l Spike Vs. Le Rez/Rob Conway WHAT I'D BOOK: The Dudz go over to finally start wrapping this bad boy up, "injuring" Grenier in the process and setting up Dupree and Conway to drop the straps to the Boyz on Raw the next day. Then Dupree can fill a cheerleader role for a good-sized Conway heel push, because MAN can he work it in the ring. Oh, and Spike does some ridiculous bumping, too. WHAT THEY'LL BOOK: Something mightily similar; Grenier needs the time off, Rez's reign is dying a slow and painful death and the Dudz are probably the best people for a long placeholder title reign whilst the division is rebuilt.
Winner Gets It All: Test vs. Scott Steiner WHAT I'D BOOK: Okay, brace yourself: Steiner hits the ring as a house afire and throws Test around spectacularly easily-a little too easily, if you will. With Stacy cheering on from ringside Steiner dispatches the oddly-ineffective Test with a clothesline after just two minutes. Stacy gets in the ring to rub it in as Steiner celebrates, slapping Test across the mush. Test rises angrily to his feet, and Stacy turns to Steiner for protection-who smply shoves her back into Test's waiting arms. Test levels her with a full-nelson slam or some such tomfoolery, and he and Steiner inexplicably share a high-five before heading to the back together, hauling the unconcsious Stacy with them. Then, the next night on Raw, Steiner explains: Test had the decency to explain the situation to him before the match. See, both Steiner and test are men, real men, and it was stupid for them to fight over a skank like Stacy when, with some simple co-operation, they BOTH could have as much of her as they wanted. Steiner ain't about chivalry-he's about tappping that ass at any time, regardless of what the bitch wants. And so Is Test-making them the perfect team. Presto! insta-heel tag team, Stacy gets even MORE face heat, and she can eventually be moved away from Steiner and test entirely. WHAT THEY'LL DO: Nothing of the sort. Test wins, setting up "wacky" shenanigans.
The RAW Desk On The Line! Coach/Al Snow Vs. Jim Ross/Jerry "The King" Lawler WHAT I'D BOOK: A decisive Coach and Snow victory, banishing King and JR from TV for a while and giving the new team a chance to grow properly into typical announce team roles. After all, tazz started out as a heel commentator, and look at him now. Within weeks Snow could revert back to face, and Coach could hold up the heel end. WHAT THEY'LL DO: An overbooked mess of a match ends with a King/JR win.
Intercontinental Title Match: Christian Vs. Rob van Dam Vs. Chris Jericho WHAT I'D BOOK: van Dam grabs the belt after Jericho and Christian's bickering gets the best of 'em. They move onto a semi-lengthy feud to turn Jericho face, and van Dam regains some momentum after the Kane debacle. WHAT THEY'LL BOOK: RVD remains ineffectual, providing a mere backdrop to Christian pinning Jericho screwily and furthering their issue.
Randy Orton Vs. Shawn Michaels WHAT I'D BOOK: Orton wins after some misfiring Maven interference disadvantages Shawn. Toss in some lazy Flair run-ins there, too, just to schmozz it up-I like Randy, but a ratfuck heel win will do MUCH more for him now than a totally clean one. he just ain't ready. WHAT THEY'LL BOOK: Something similar, but maybe a wee bit cleaner.
Last Man Standing: Kane Vs. Shane McMahon WHAT I'D BOOK: Kane muderlises Shane-but the plucky young-un keeps on getting up, forcing the big man to do something stupidly OTT to finally put him down. WHAT THEY'LL DO: I have an immensely horrifying feeling that Shane's going to go over in very cheap fahion-as somebody mentioned before, something akin to his Test-aided victory over Show in 2001.
World Heavyweight Title Match: Triple H Vs. Goldberg WHAT I'D BOOK: Well, for starters I'd have made it No-DQ. Then I'd have had Billy-boy shrug off chairs, sledgehammers, Evolution interference and everything else to put Trips away. But as it is? Bill goes over fairly handily. WHAT THEY'LL BOOK: It's erring worringly close to a cop-up "Title change via DQ", but I gotta be an optimist. Bill gets a pinfall win after a big ol' Jackhammer.
And Lo, The Urine Shall Flow Freely In The Aisles, As Small Children And Frail Old Ladies Flee Before The Brutality, The Might, The Sheer Viciousness...Of ~EVIL COACH~!