Well, after Chris Jerichoís unceremonious exit stage right last week, which no doubt theyíre going to drill into my brain some more tonight with a few replays, weíve got a new #1 contender for the WWE Championship. And hopefully this one will be booked as more of a threatóKurt Angle. Cena and Angle had a few scraps on SmackDown early last year, I knowÖ and going back farther than that, John Cena actually had his debut match against Angle. (And he had his second match against JerichoóWWE Match Jukebox is a wonderful thing, since Iím a RAW guy and otherwise wouldnít know all this.) This was back before Cena was trying to be Vanilla Ice, and he had goofy-ass neon blue or green tights and nappy hairÖ my, how things have changed.
Despite the fact that I donít know all the history between these two, they do have a lot of history, and obviously this will be the first major feud between them since Cena won the WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21. They've already had a high-profile encounter since being drafted to RAWóin the six-man tag-team match that featured the return of Hulk Hogan. Cena, Hogan and Shawn Michaels battled Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho and Carlito. The following week was the superkick heard round the world.
So, Cena/Angle ought to be interesting, and I know who Iím rooting for in any event, so.
Michaels/MastersÖ God. If this ends with Michaels passing out in the full nelson, Iím going to kill somebody. And according to Online Onslaught, WWE has announced a street fight between Matt Hardy and Edge. I hope this doesnít go the way I think it will, too. You can only do the ďconcussed idiotĒ thing with Matt for so long.
You donít need to check your e-mail one more time this late at night. Believe me. (Shut up.) Okay.
Let Us Indeed Take You Back to Last Week, where Jericho loses a ďyouíre firedĒ match to Cena, losing to Cena for the second time in two days and the 17 quadrillionth time in the last month, and Jericho gets ridden out of town on a rail. Not the highlight of my night. But Angle beats the shit out of Cena afterwards.
Yeah, they refuse to see the change in me, WHY WONíT THEY WAKE UP?!
And weíre in Tampa, Florida, and we start off on a high noteóhere comes Carlito! DASCOOL! And we start off immediately with Carlitoís CabanaóDASCOOL, too!
CCC: ďNow that Carlitoís good friend Chris Jericho has been fired, thereís no more Highlight Reel. And thatÖ thatís cool! Hahahaha! But you know whatís even cooler than that, is my guest tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only HBK Shawn Michaels!Ē
ďSexy BoyĒ plays, and HBK comes out wearing a slightly less wimpy-looking suit than the past two previous weeks. But his tie is still puce, so. In any event, Iíve set the AutoCorrect on my spell checker, so here we goÖ
CCC: ďWow. This is truly an honor. Last week, Carlito had the 16-time World Champion, Ric Flair. [The WOO starts up immediately.] ďOk, WOO, whatever.Ē Ha. ďBut tonight, Carlito has the icon, the Showstopper, HBK! You know Shawn, Carlito has to admit I admire you.Ē HBK: ďWell, IÖ Iíd like to think thereís a lot to admire about the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. Oh, Iím just kiddingÖĒ CCC: ďOkay, OKAY! All rightÖ but seriously, the things youíve done have paved the way for guys like Carlito. You see the things you accomplished have allowed Carlito to get all the things that heís accomplished in such a little while. Now isnít it ironic that youíre a guest on *my* Cabana?Ē He says HBKís standing in awe of Carlito because heís the I-C Champion, yeah. ďEasy, easy egomaniac! Look, Iím begging you and everybody else to be a little sympathetic for what Iíve been through in the last month, I canít handle any more ego in my career if you know what I mean. I just came here to congratulate you on being the Intercontinental Champion. Iíve just got a few questions for youóhow long ago did you *win* that Intercontinental Championship?Ē [Hogan chants.] ďUntil he needs another payoff, he ainít cominí back.Ē HA! And yet heís a good guy again, I love it. ďBut are they talking about your matches, no.Ē He says theyíre still talking about matches HBK had ten years ago, and asks Carlito when was the last time he had a good match or any match at all. The title doesnít make the man, the man makes the title. When was the last time Carlito even defended the belt? ďNobody has the cajones to face Carlito. Even the 16-time World Champion Ric Flair backed down from Carlito.Ē Thatís one way of revising history. ďGuys like you need to learn thereís a pecking order around here, a ladder, so to speak.Ē Hee, he does the same thing HBK did to Masters last week. ďYou see Shawn, you coming on to my show, Carlitoís Cabana, and insulting the Intercontinental ChampionÖĒ Carlito grabs an apple. ďThatís not cool.Ē ďYou even think about taking a bite out of that apple and Iím gonna kick it down your throat!Ē ďWhoa whoa easy, easy there tough guy. You should save all that aggression. You see, youíre not the only guest on the Cabana tonight. My next guest is the man youíre going to be facing in the Master Lock Challenge. Ladies and gentlemen, the Masterpiece Chris Masters!Ē Coach gay orgasm in three, two, one, there it is. No pyro for Masters for a change, he just comes down. Can you guess which one is not like the other?
ďYou know Carlito, Shawn Michaels talks real tough. Letís see how tough you talk after you pass out to the Master Lock.Ē Michaels immediately realizes that heís flanked by Masters on one side and Carlito on the other. HBK: ďYou know, after 21 years of doing this, youíd think Iíd be smart enough not to get myself in these situations.Ē Hee! Michaels goes on the offensive and starts pummeling Masters, and punches Carlito a few times, but the numbers catch up with him and Carlito hits the DDT. Masters is ready to put the Master Lock on Michaels right now, but here comes Flairóand heís taking out the youngsters right now. Michaels gets up, clotheslines Masters over the top, and Flair deposits Carlito. What is this, the New Blood/Millionaireís Club feud again?
We come back, and CCC and Masters keep talking over Bischoff. Bischoff is postponing the Master Lock challenge until next week, oh JOY weíre continuing that storyline, and theyíre going to have a tag-team match tonightóCarlito and Masters vs. Flair and Masters.
The Big Show comes out for a handicap match, and this is gonna be three minutes of my life Iíll never get back. They announce the guysí names, but itís not really gonna matter, right? A couple indy guys get nicely paid to get the hell beaten out of them for a minute or two, in the hope that someone somewhere is going to say, ďHey, that guyís got talent, letís sign him.Ē You bet. Show is having a lot of fun, and even does a Rock eyebrow impersonation at one point. They actually manage to get a double-team move in once, and then try to double-suplex himóainít happening. Clothesline, clothesline, powerslam, powerslam, chokeslams both guys at the same time. This is WWEís way of admitting, ďwe donít have any idea what we want to do with The Big Show.Ē At least that was my optimistic scenario I was envisioning. The pessimistic scenario is what happenedóGene Snitsky comes out, gets thrown around, but grabs a ring bell and smacks Big Show with it not once but twice. Whoop-de-doo.
So right now my preliminary Unforgiven card is Cena/Angle for the WWE Title, Shawn Michaels/Chris Masters, Carlito/Ric Flair for the I-C Title, and The Big Show/Gene Snitsky?! But I bet you dollars to pesos that while Snitsky will get a match at Unforgiven, Shelton Benjamin will notóunless itís against Kerwin White for his racist comments last week. And if thatís the case, color me underwhelmed. If they could have put together an *intelligent*, non-race-related feud between Shelton and Chavo Guerrero, Iíd be more excited. But right now Iím feeling kinda dumb about requesting off for September 18. Please give me better than what Iím thinking youíre gonna give me, WWE. Otherwise, screw it, Iím watching football or playing a video game on that night.
Oh, I forgotóAshley, a non-wrestler, has got herself a feud with the also non-wrestling Torrie Wilson and Candace Michelle. Silly me. And here come the aforementioned Torrie and Candace, and that sound you hear is the 13-year-old male audience jacking off. Torrie speaks, but Iím not justifying it by transcribing it. Letís just say that Torrie and Candace initiated Ashley last week, and they want to apologize publicly to Ashley. If you believe WWE will let us get off the hook for that match *that* quickly, Iíve got a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.
Ashley comes out, and doesnít look convincedósmart girl. Candace apologizes to her, seriously, from the bottom of her heart, while JR calls Ashley a tomboy, and the other two pick up on it and immediately begin denigrating her for it. Hey, at least sheís not Just Another Boring Blonde. I still donít regret skipping out on the Diva Search, though. Ashleyís skeptical, but she accepts the apology if theyíre serious. To ďmake it up to herĒ, they got permission from Bischoff for Ashley to get her very first matchótonight. Candace tells Ashley that tonight she can learn her place, which is to look pretty and shut her mouth. Ashley gets itówhich one of them is she going to face? But sheís not going to face one of themósheís going to face Victoria. Victoria comes out, and Ashley tries to get the jump on her, but Victoria gets her outside the ring, slams her back-first against the ring apron, tosses her in the ring, the referee comes in, the bell rings, and Victoria hits the Widowís Peak. Huh. Did I mention that Victoriaís got new, crappy theme music? Bring back the T.A.T.U. theme music if youíre gonna make her an evil psycho bitch!
I could get down with an Ashley/Victoria matchÖ at least more than I could for an Ashley match against one of the other two. But I doubt thatís the story theyíre planning to tell.
And on this commercial break, we see a TNA Impact commercialó coming to Spike TV October 1!
Another Cade/Murdock promo that I couldnít write quite fast enough to pick up on. Looked good, though, and theyíve done more to establish Cade as being the rational one of the group, while Murdockís the nut. OK. Now get here and liberate the tag-team division already, please!
Edge is in a circle with a bunch of other guys, singing Goomba Ya or something, and Some Guy interrupts him. I miss the typing for the promo, but to make a long story short, Edge says the only reason Matt ďwill not dieĒ is because at SummerSlam, Edge left one breath in himóa breath he intends to snuff out tonight. And he doesnít have Lita here because sheís running an errand for him.
Lita: ďHey, I thought I should warn you before your match.Ē [Something unintelligible.] ďLemme ask you a question. How does it feel to know that you will never, ever, experience *this* again?Ē Sheís been disrobing during that last sentence, and now her breasts are all but completely revealed. Eh, doesnít do anything for me. ďIt probably feels pretty pathetic. You know Matt, you are pathetic. And as far as Iím concerned, you can go to hell.Ē Matt nods, smiles and looks her up and down with a creepy expression for a good fifteen seconds. ďGo to hell? Oh, Iím going to hell, but Iím not going alone. Iím taking EdgeÖ with me.Ē
We come back, and someone grabs Michaels, saying that Ricís downóand when we get to him, heís unconscious, caked in blood, and obviously not going anywhere anytime soon. JR says itís Carlito and Masters, but I donít think theyíd do thatóI guarantee you it was Triple H. You heard it here first.
Edge comes down, briefcase in one hand and Lita in the other, and heís dressed in blue jeans and belt. Hardyís next, with his tights and new shirt, and here we go! The ref holds them back as the bell rings, and when it rings, Edge gets him in the corner, punches, and now Hardy with the punches, and Edge leaves the ringóHardy punches him, sends him over the rail, and they begin brawling in the crowd and up the stairs. Theyíre going for a Benoit/Sullivan vibe here. Hardy eventually sends him back down the stairs and over the rail, axehandle, Edge rolled back into the ring, and Matt reaches under the ring, DRILLING Edge with a garbage can lid. Matt gets a ladder out, helping to recreate the Hardy Boyz vibe apparently, but Edge baseball slides it into his ribs. We take a break. I hate when they do that.
We come back, and Hardyís got mounted punches on Edge. Edge eventually gets to his feet, more punchy-kicky, and note that the ladder is propped up in the corner. Edge charges Hardy on the ring apron, but he eats a trash can lid, and then eats the ladder not once but twice. Now Hardy opens the ladder up, heads for the top, but Edge interceptsÖ eventually he gets his head slammed into the ladder, and Hardy gets to the top, drilling a Legdrop From Fuckiní Hell off the top of the ladder. One, two, and Edge kicks out. Hardy goes to the outside, grabs a chair, waits for Edge to get up, and Edge cheap shots him, then busts him in the head with a Singapore cane, OW. Both men are down, though, and as they start to get up, Edge knocks Hardy down with an non-televised cane shot again. Edge sets a chair up, puts Hardyís head onto it, grabs another chairóbut the One-Man Conchairto is denied! Hey, thatís Christianís move, motherfucker! Both men stagger to their feet, and Edge flapjacks Hardy into the ladder face-first. Edge leaves the ring, comes back with the trash can lid, and begins busting H ardy over the head with it. Donít stop the match again, you asshole.
A fifth shot to the head, and Hardyís refusing to give up, getting to his feetóEdge begins punching now, and Hardyís losing itÖ then he gets busted with a kick to the head, and as the refís about to ring the bell, Hardy stops him. Edge puts Hardyís head between the stairs and the ring, kicks it, but Hardy apparently moved it just in time, on instinct. Both men outside the ring, Edge tries to DDT Hardy onto the stairs, but Hardy reverses, and hits his own DDT on Edge right onto the stairs! OUCH! The crowd is definitely behind Hardy at this point. Now Matt pummels Edgeís head onto the stairs multiple times, grabs a steel chair, and Lita hits him with the briefcaseówhich has almost no effect. Hardy turns around to go after Lita, and Edge capitalizes, sneak-attacking him from behind. The two men continue brawling all over the ringside area, and Matt dumps Edge back into the ring. Now Hardy picks up a ladder, and fucking DRILLS Edge with it. Now he sets Edge up on top of the ladder. Matt to the top rope, moonsault DENIED, and Hardy eats the ladder completely. That was a dumb moveóhigh-risk for low-reward. Youíre not Jeff, youíre smarter than that. Both men roll out of the ring, where Edge grabs the advantage, and a garbage can. While Hardyís still down, Edge busts Hardy over the back and head with the garbage can, and Litaís got the Smile of Extreme Sluttiness now. Hardy gets up, punches blindly, and Edge ducks and weaves, smelling blood. They fight up the entry rampódonít go to the back and end the match, you moronsóbut Matt whips Edge into the steel wall. Now heís got Lita, and he looks like heís gonna powerbomb her off the stageóbut Edge says hell no. Edge tries to bodyslam him off the stage, no goÖ Mattís Twist of Fate denied, Edgeís spear is dodged, and now Matt with the SIDE EFFECT TO END ALL MOTHERFUCKINí SIDE EFFECTS, taking Edgeóand himselfóoff the stage. Only they dumb it up with the ďoh my God, theyíve hit electrical equipment!Ē thing, and we get the Big Fake Sparks of Ultimate Death and Doom. The referee orders the power turned off, and officials and med techs come down to untangle them and get them out of here. Eric Bischoff comes out, concern on his faceÖ
Címon, goddammit. If weíre going with the ďwe swear to God, this angle is REAL!Ē thing, then letís not go overboard with the electrical surge that everyone knows would have killed somebody in real life. Honest to God, the Side Effect off the stage was fantastic enough, and it would have been believable to me if theyíd gone through a stage area or something and gotten fucked up that way. Donít insult my intelligence with the electrical bullshit.
We come back, and JRís got his serious tone of voice on, and we see the ďtragedyĒ twice more. He himself demonstrated that without the electrical equipment thing, it would have been cool enoughóthat was an announced fifteen, or twenty-foot drop, and a legitimate ten at least. Impressive enough without DUMBING IT THE FUCK UP!
We see the alleged ďsurrealĒ scene ten or eleven more times, and you canít tell me that they wouldnít have shut that electrical equipment in real life the moment they got anywhere *near* it. They stuck with the scene for a good 45 seconds after the fall, after all, so obviously the alleged ďequipmentĒ wasnít vital to the running of the show. Iím okay with suspending disbelief, but WWE canít have it both ways with meóeither the Matt Hardy/Edge thing is being played as real, or itís not.
Hell of a match, though. I just wish I knew which of the Idiots in the Back Writing This Crap put together the finale.
If this leads to Edge developing Goldustís speech impediment, though, it was worth it.
We come back, and John Cenaís music plays. Damn, I was hoping theyíd forgotten about him. Just kidding. As requested by Lillian, I ďwelcomeĒ Cena, but I do it by flipping him the bird.
Cena: ďI am fired up tonight! I mean hell, my damn haircutís too cheap, gas is way too expensive, 50 Cent cursiní like a sailor over at the BMAís, and last week I get attacked by a red white and blue Tasmanian devil, frothing at the mouth. Hell, I saw nothing but arms and teeth! And thatís the bad news. The good news, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!Ē OK, that was funny. ďAnd the great newsóafter last week, the champ is still here! But the plot thickensóKurt Angle is now the #1 contender for this WWE Championship. Kurt, Iíve never backed down from a fight in my life, and Iíll be damned if I start tonight! You want some, [come get some!] come get some!Ē Coach says you wonít have to ask Angle twice, and sure enough his music plays, and here he is, YOU SUCK chants ready for him.
Angle: ďCena, I must have damaged your brain more than I thought I did last week. Youíre calling me out? [laughs] You donít want none of this. Let me refresh your memory, the last time you and I were in the ring together. Show the footage.Ē Kurt shows a montage of him kicking Cenaís ass last week. Oh, I thought he was gonna show the footage of his team losing to Cenaís a month or so ago. ďNow if you think Iím just gonna walk down this aisle and get in the ring with you right now, youíre dumber than you look. Cuz thereís no way in hell Iím gonna jeopardize my WWE Title shot. With all due respect, Iím not Chris Jericho. Youíre looking at a man who was inducted into the national wrestling hall of fame. Youíre looking at a man who won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakiní neck. Iíve got more wrestling ability in my pinky finger than you have in your entire body.Ē Cenaís been wrestling for 5-6 years tops, but Kurtís been wrestling his entire life, and then he goes through a list of some of his recent victims, including HBK and Shelton Benjamin. Talking too fast, sorry. ďLet me tell you Cena, the reason Iím on a roll is because Iím more relentless more vicious than Iíve ever been in my life, and I want that WWE title more than Iíve wanted it in my entire career. And I donít give a damn about anybody or anything!Ē ďShut your mouth! At Unforgiven, Iím going to end your little charade of running around with the WWE championship when I make your ass tap out!Ē ďWhy the hostility, Kurt? Why you drinkiní all the Hateradeówait, you said youíve won a gold medal?Ē Cena begins to wonder, tongue-in-cheek, if heís out of his league, but heís still calling Angleís ass out. ďYou want a piece of me, Cena?Ē Kurt drops the mic, tosses his shirt, Cena drops his hat and shirt, Kurt heads towards the ring and then gives an ďaww, the hell with itĒ gesture. Off the mike, Angle says, ďYou donít think I can go down there and kick his ass? Is that you want?Ē Now here he comes! But now Cenaís backing down? ďSorry, I forgot, last week I totally forgot, man, I know you like to hit guys from behind. Hey, shame on you! Shame on you, nobodyís judging.Ē Cena mocks him, turning around and shaking his ass, and now I guess weíve got four weeks of gay anal rape jokes ahead of us? Angle turns around, rushes the ring, Cena turns around, but Angle with a double-leg take down and begins pummeling him. Cena manages to fight Angle off, and weíve got ourselves a good start to this feud.
Kurt Angle has already demonstrated more badassery in ONE FUCKINí TEN-MINUTE SEGMENT than Chris Jericho was allowed in THREE MONTHS of feuding with Cena. Just goes to show you (further) that WWE has no idea what the fuck theyíre doing when it comes to Jericho, one of their most talented, charismatic and loyal WWE Superstars. I give this segment a full four-stars, cutting off one star for the third-grade anal joke by Cena, but I give yet another ďfuck you, WWE!Ē for demonstrating that they *can* book a good feud for Cena, they simply had no intention of ever doing it with Jericho.
We come back, andÖ Tyson Tomko is coming out? A little late at night for Heat tapings, isnít it? Speaking of which, they show him beating the shit out of nameless faces on Heat the last few weeks. They say heís on a roll, which doesnít mean a damn thing because he hasnít faced anybody whoís getting *any* kind of push. But speaking of which, stand back, thereís a Hurricane coming through, and Iím not sure this week was a good week to bring them out, all things considered. Not to mention the fact that Roseyís gonna job and make the tag-titles look even worse. The announcers say something about Rene Dupree that I didnít catch (itís because I donít care). Punchy-kicky, but after fifteen secondsóIF THAT!óRosey is knocked out by a kick from Tomko. And then Hurricane is, as well. The announcers say that Tyson Tomko has devastated the tag-team champions, and that would hold more weight for me if, you know, the tag-team champions were actually getting a push. *Everyone* has beaten the hell out of Hurricane and Rosey over the past few months. So WWEís trying to give us a reason to give a shit about Tyson Tomkoósorry, itís not going to work, unless youíre re-pairing him with Christian over on SmackDown.
We see a recap of the Michaels/Flair/Carlito/Masters story of the night. JR announces that Michaels will now face both men in a handicap match, and I thought we were only allowed one handicap match per night? Iíve already made my feelings known about handicap matches, but Iíll do it againóif the tag-team wins, itís because they outnumbered the other guy; if the singles wrestler wins, the tag-team sucks. Either way, nobody wins.
And by the way, what the fuck is Chris Masters doing main-eventing RAW all of a sudden?!
We come back, and Michaelsí music plays, accompanied by HBK coming down to the ring. Mastersí entrance was annoying to begin with, but itís even more annoying when Coach and Lawlerís Gay Man Love for Masters is accompanied by a main-event stage, so I actually have to watch the match. At least weíve got Michaels and Carlito here, so DASCOOLÖ but Masters simply doesnít fit in this situation. Jeez, I canít believe theyíre actually lumping Carlito and Masters into the same category as ďyoung guys with big upsideĒ. Carlito is. Masters isnít. Carlito and Michaels start, with HBK getting the better of Carlito and Carlito getting more and more frustrated. When was the last time I saw two young superstars with the charisma and upside of Carlito and Masters, Iím asked. Bah, Masters has charisma? But Iím harping on it now. Michaels keeps his advantage on Carlito, and finally Masters gets tagged in, and ďbusiness has now picked up.Ē Shut up. Masters is allowed to throw around HBK more than Carlito was, and the cheap double-team tactics begin. Carlito tagged in, continues the stomping, gets Michaels in the corner and punches himónow he knees him, chops him, again, and Michaels is whipped into the ropes and hit with a reverse-elbow for a two-count. Masters provides his foot for Carlito to slam Michaels into, and he obliges, and then tags. Carlito chokes Michaels on the ropes while Masters distracts the ref, but Masters gets only two. Carlito back in, and HBK immediately starts the babyface comeback. Honest to God, you do NOT have to protect Masters the way you are, WWE! Michaels eats ring post, gets pinned for a two-count, and Michaelsí ďscintillatingĒ resilience keeps him in. Whip into the ropes, sleeper hold applied by Carlito, back-suplex hit by Michaels and now he pulls him up and chops himÖ whip into the ropes, swinging neckbreaker by Michaels. Both men up, Carlito whipped into two ropes, hit with an inverted atomic drop, clotheslined, and now has a right hand for Masters. Michaels clotheslines Carlito out of the ring, skins the cat, and Masters tries to sneak-attack him but is tossed over the top rope as well. This match, completely devoid of excitement for me, will be back!
Why isnít Carlito being allowed to sustain any sort of advantage over HBK, but Masters is? WWE canít honestly think that Masters is more talented than Carlito, can they? Maybe theyíre simply playing him as the standard ďpower wrestler in a tag-team matchĒ.
We come back, and Michaels is trying desperately to fight his way out of the corner, and does soówhips Carlito into the ropes, knocks him down with the flying burrito, both men down, and Michaels is obviously preparing for the kip-up, lying flat on his back with his leg spread. Yup, at the count of five, up he is. Bodyslam for Carlito, and Michaels to the top rope for the Macho Man Elbow, ohh yeah! It connects, and HBKís feeling it for Sweet Chin Music. He charges up the superkick, but Masters pulls him out of the ring and clotheslines him all the way to hell. HBK sells it for waaaaaaaaaay too long in my opinion, still unconscious for a good fifteen seconds. Heís rolled into the ring, Carlito pins, and gets a two-count. HBKís starting to become lucid, and Carlito chokes him on the ropes, then distracts the ref long enough for Masters to cheap shot. Hard whip into the ropes, another two-count, and here comes the tag to Masters. Hard whip into the corner by Masters, big elbow, again, cover gets two. The Coach says the ďpassing of the torchĒ is happening tonight, and SHUT THE FUCK UP, Coach. Masters hits a few back-targeted moves, including a backbreaker submission or three, and you know HBK ainít tapping out to this hack (until next week). The backbreaker is cinched in, the hand goes down once, twice, but not a third timeóHBK punches Masters in the face repeatedly, and tries to get to his feet. Masters with punches, Michaels with chops, and HBK gains the advantage, but gets whipped into the ropes for his patented Michaels Flop, he goes up, and gets gorilla-pressed by Masters. Masters calling for the Master Lock, but HBK says hell no, reversing the attempt before it gets started, and hits him with a DDT ultimately. And now here comes Flair, bandaged and fucked up something fierce, and here comes the tagóFlair chops Masters, chops Carlito, whips Masters into the ropes for a chop and then a chop block on Masters, and he begins pummeling the young guy with punches. Flair tries for the figure-four, but Carlito low-blows Flair, and honest to God if Flair loses to the Master LockóMichaels crashes and burns, and Masters applies the Master Lock, and DAMMIT DAMMIT GODDAMMIT Flair succumbs. FUCK YOU, WWE! (I wrote this about 15 seconds before it happened, that was how obvious this was.)
FUCK THOSE GODDAMN FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WWE WRITERS FOR FUCKING JOBBING RIC FLAIR TO FUCKING CHRIS FUCKING MASTERS, FUCK! And I donít give a shit if Flair was already screwed upóthere is zero fucking excuse for this.
DASCOOL!: Hardy and Edge put on one hell of a match until the crappy post-match shenanigans, Kurt Angle cut one hell of a promo, andÖ well, jeez, #3 on my list has to be that at least they found something to do with Victoria, maybe? Oh, the Cade/Murdoch promo was cool, now letís get them out here and do something with the tag belts!
YOU SUCK!: Oh, where to start. No way in a million years should anybody with an iota of talent be jobbing to Chris Masters, who has none. Let alone a fucking sixteen-time world champion. The Side Effect off the stage was effective enough without ruining it with crappy pyrotechnics, and I canít believe Big Show and Snitsky is apparently going to be a pay-per-view match. Then again Iíve learned recently to lower my expectations.
WHAT?: I understand Hurricane and Rosey have been jobbing left and right, but when you get knocked out by fuckiní Tyson Tomko, your career is seriously in the shitter.
Tune in next week, where Iíll be here, although no doubt Iíll have to be heavily medicated after Michaels loses the Master Lock Challenge. I wonder what I missed on Nitro this week? Couldnít possibly have been worse than this.
[Edit: In my original post, I used the "f" word 25 times, which is incredible even for me. Just goes to show you how much fun I had watching tonight's show. I changed some of the more mild examples, and also expounded upon the TNA thing which I'd not gotten a chance to fully write.]
(edited by ekedolphin on 29.8.05 2320) ďGreat. He spends skill points on Perform (Kazoo), and now I have to make a Knowledge (Limits of My Own Sanity) skill check." --Roy Greenhilt, The Order of the Stick
Four-Time Wiener of the Day (5/27/02; 7/3/02; 7/30/04; 8/28/04)
The Only Five-Time (and Last) N.E.W. World Heavyweight Champion
Certified RFMC Member-- Ask To See My Credentials!
I like how everyone is "OMG" over Hardy/Edge, but Flair has like 20 gallons of blood on him and its business as usual. Thanks WWE! Somewhere, I could imagine Flair being in an ambulance, and the medics throwing him out for Edge and Hardy.
I liked the Street Fight. I liked Ashley on the stick, as she's better (and much more convincing) than most of the women outside of Trish (who I really hoped was returning this week, but obviously didn't). I liked the focus on putting Carlito & Chris Masters (two of my favorites) over as big-name competitors. I always seem to like Shawn-centric RAWs, and this was one of them.
But no Shelton, no Angle match, no Tag Title match for the Nth week, and then we get TWO handicap matches and TWO squashes? That's it? Plus, I REALLY hate the bait & switch booking of the MasterLock Challenge this week.
Somehow, they actually picked the worst possible way to end the main event. They could have easily gone with Flair coming back and refusing the tag from Sting, I mean Michaels, and you have your new Evolution faction, with Trip coming out laughing at the end. The next option would have been the best option: Michaels gets the shit pounded out of him the entire match. From the back, Arn Anderson comes down, gets in the corner, and tags himself in. Arn throws a few punches, but ends up succumbing to the MasterLock. Masters still gets heat by "crippling" Arn Anderson, but the crowd gets a memorable moment. Even Carlito beating Flair after the low blow to set up their match would have been acceptable. Is there a rule that when Jim Ross talks about how there must be a winner in a match, it ends in a no-contest? Retire the tag belts. Victoria should have stretchered the bimbos while she was at it.
I hate to rain down on everybody's parade of hatred once again, but Chris Masters did exactly what he was asked to do once again. He didn't fuck up any moves, he played a good heel tag member, he even used psychology on Shawn's back. If Chris Benoit or Eddie Guerrero had HBK bent over backwards for a backbreaker submission spot, everybody would be complimenting their ass.
Postscript to Eke: If the Masterlock is "just" a full nelson, doesn't that make the Liontamer/Walls of Jericho "just" a boston crab?
So were all you guys who miss Triple H so much thinking "damn, I wish Triple H was in the middle of this" during that fan-freakin-tastic Kurt Angle/John Cena interview segment or what? Because gimme a break.
OBVIOUSLY Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely NOBODY if they have Ric come out to be on the wrong side of the decision! Smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark smark smark smark But seriously, it's not like we haven't seen Flair do this before. Remember (totally bogus WCW thing we don't need to bring up but I kinda just did)?
How old's Masters? How old's Flair? Which guy is the "power guy" of the two? I'll be over here NOT bothered by the main event conclusion. It's not like Flair got out-wrestled then jobbed to the MasterLock.
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Originally posted by JayJayDeanHow old's Masters? How old's Flair? Which guy is the "power guy" of the two? I'll be over here NOT bothered by the main event conclusion. It's not like Flair got out-wrestled then jobbed to the MasterLock.
Plus, they did a really good job of putting over how much blood Flair had lost.
Flair loses to everyone so there's nothing crazy about him losing the Masterlock. It's even surprising that they protected him with the attack. And since they've gone five shitty ass months with the Masterlock challenge, they may as well see it through to a satisfying conclusion. So there's logic in that, but there's also the logic that Masters is a goof who has no place in main events. It's like the chicken and the egg.
I'm just really glad Flair didn't turn on him.
Hardy/Edge was great. Angle/Cena was great as they're perfectly matched as badass mean challenger who's a genuine threat to the beloved champion.
No Shelton or Kerwin at all? Seems like someone might be having second thoughts about that feud in the wake of what happened with Hassan.
And I'm finding Masters and Carlito more fun and interesting to watch these days than, say, Batista. So I had no trouble at all with that aspect.
Has anyone -- other than Goldberg -- ever gotten over with the "master of one killer move" gimmick they're trying on Tomko? Well, maybe Regal with the Power of the Punch, but that was more for the entertainment value of Regal finding new ways to sneak the knucks in every week.
Ling-Ling into battle go Fulfill destiny of the soul Sever skull of adversary Shove it in the poo-poo hole
All the children sing: Kill kill kill kill die die die Kill kill kill kill die die die....
people who want HHH back need to be throat punched! Ugh the only thing keeping me still watching wrestling at some points (like say, oh, the SECOND handicap match of the night) is the fact that I'll just be pissed later when I come back and trips is stinking up the joint and I blew my HHH free days because I get all pissy about how they are handling the hardy/edge feud (which is definitely getting better, although like the original poster said, quit fucking insulting our intelligence with lame shit like "omgzors turn off teh power!!!11")
Anywho, Raw was middling IMO, edge/hardy was good, with both men looking tough, equally matched and willing to do anything to put each other out. Glad to see the crowd is still into Matt, I was worried all the bitchifying they have done to him these last couple of weeks would have killed his heat.
HBK is making me happy, and putting on a good show.
I am all for pushing the heel woman as something more then "vicious butch woman" but Jesus Christ, Torry and Candance cannot pull that shit off. Like the idea alot, but how hard is it to find a woman who can work the mike?
What happened to feeding masters to big show? UGH I HATE YOU WWE!!!!
Carlito is so good in every way besides wrestling, its a bit of a shame. He's at least not horrible in the ring. Masters on the other hand, is horrible in every way possible. Boring, crappy gimmick. No skills in the ring at all, and he gets blown up doing nothing at all. His mike skills are his best suit, and those are barely passable. The thing that annoys me the most about Masters? Your whole gimmick is you are supposed to have an amazing perfect body. So why does buff Bagwell 2.0 have a better body, and you are just some roided up frat boy that somehow is getting pushed to the moon?! Not that I want to see Carlito/Conway vrs HBK ....
To Spaceman Spiff: Carlito has shown that he's got very good mic skills with good charisma, in addition to being at least a pretty good wrestler. Masters doesn't have either, and in fact up until he started this thing with HBK, his entrance music was met with complete and utter apathy from the crowd. I absolutely rate Carlito significantly higher than Masters.
To Sugar Shane Spear: Masterlock and Walls of Jericho are apples and oranges. Jericho at least does a lot of cool-looking stuff before he puts you in the Walls of Jericho. Masters can politely be described as a "generic brawler", and if I were to be less polite, he's a roided-up, zero-charisma, balding musclehead hack. In any event, when was the last time Jericho won a match with the Walls of Jericho? (I mean against someone who matters, by the way.)
And in addition to Masters having no talent, they sure seem eager to push him to the moon in a big fuckin' hurry. The day SummerSlam aired, only eight days ago, Masters had a match against Rosey on Sunday Night Heat that lasted two minutes and ended the same goddamn way every single fuckin' Chris Masters match ends. Shawn Michaels main-evented the pay-per-view against Hulk Hogan in what was no doubt most people's reason for buying the show in the first place.
So tell me why, exactly, Masters is now in a program with Michaels?
(edited by ekedolphin on 30.8.05 0019) ďGreat. He spends skill points on Perform (Kazoo), and now I have to make a Knowledge (Limits of My Own Sanity) skill check." --Roy Greenhilt, The Order of the Stick
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Originally posted by ekedolphinCarlito has shown that he's got very good mic skills with good charisma, in addition to being at least a pretty good wrestler.
Pretty good? Really?
I am getting sick of saying this after every Raw, but Carlito is a TERRIBLE wrestler. Don't get me wrong, he's a great talker and he's way more entertaining than Chris Masters (I'm not saying Masters is any good, because he's not) but Carlito sucks pretty hard in the ring.
Originally posted by TheVile1Your question can be answered very easily ekedolphin. Its because Chris Masters is over 6 feet tall and over 250 pounds.
The first part of the answer is that for a while they were planning on doing two Hogan/Michaels matches where they'd split the wins. However, Hogan has creative control and said he wasn't going to lose either match, although he'd give Michaels a photo finish cage match loss. Michaels said if he has to lose to Hogan he's only going to do it once. So that left Michaels with nothing after SummerSlam. The remaining part of the answer is what you said.
I thought Ashley showed some (decent) mic skills, and threw some nice punches. She's got promise....Cade cuts a pretty good promo in those vignettes. I just hope they start building a tag divison, because without decent opponents, these guys will just flounder....I'm surprised they gave so much time to the Hardy/Edge angle. Pretty intense brawl, and it could be argued that that's what they should've done at the PPV....
So is Tomko's new gimmick going to be that he knocks people out? Because if not, I don't really see the point of that match....Not a terrible main event, and I guess the writers decided they didn't want Michaels to break the masterlock and they didn't want him to tap to it either, so they switched things up.
It's the pants. I drew it with severe perspective of his legs jutting- something I truly suck at drawing (deathvalleydriver.com)- but I always try to draw it because you can't get it right if you don't try to draw it.