FOOTAGE! of the thumbs-down. I like how Randy gives a "oh fuck".
Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, because it is time to WAKE UP! And, wouldn't you know it, it's also time for Raw, live from Anaheim, CA...and a Fashion Report, too! Tonight's DivaSearch letter: P.
Coach presents the posse of pretties, who presently parade to the ring. Tracy is sent packing. Post-haste, the pretties are presented with an opportunity to kiss ass. However, The Rock, in wifebeater and bluejeans, appears, cowing Coach into vacating the ring. Rock proceedes to bloviate about the pageant of poontang before his eyes (and the Peoples' Champion pets his pecker or somesuch). Tajiri, in black pants with dragon and flaming left hem, porters a platter of pie. The gals have a pie-eating contest. Gosh, not even Rock can save this utter shit segment.
La Res, in white "La Resistance" undies, with Coach, come out to assault Rock and Tajiri. Rhyno comes down to make the save, and the faces have Coach cornered.
In the back, Kane whistles...and walks.
JR, in black suit, hat, green shirt and tie, and Lawler, in black suit and pink tshirt, show some FOOTAGE! of Orton, last week on Raw.
In Evolution's lockerroom, HHH, Flair, and Batista pow-wow. Apparently they've delivered some kind of ultimatium to Randy.
Meanshile, Kane barges into Lita's...office? (Well, it certainly looks like the office scene, only sans the desk.)
Jericho, in shiny silver "Jericho" shirt and purple silhoutte tights vs. Edge, in maroon trenchcoat and red faceprint tights, wearing the IC Title. Chad "I'll allow it" Patton wears the stripes for this match (only took us 39 minutes to get here). AdBreak! almost immediately interrupts ('cuz we can't have any wrestling on this show, for fuck's sake).
Cont. Edge is a heel. Rollup->pin. But Patton quickly negates his decision when he realizes Jericho's foot was on the ropes. Fuck yeah - AdBreak makes the save! Wrestling sucks dong - might AdBreak shows us the way motherfuckers!
Cont. (the second) What is this shit? I want a lame, over-scripted and poorly-acted backstage segment. Or, better yet, some shitty Divasearch dreck. Instead, I have to see Edge get DQ'ed for...a move that happens in almost every other match?
HHH, in black iron-cross undies, Batista, in black "Batista" undies with gold dragon crotch, and Flair, in black "Evolution" tshirt and red "RF" undies, strut out together. HHH waxes philosophical before bringing it back down to Earth and cutting a promo on Orton. The ultimatium is thence: Orton can lay-down for HHH tonight, or "cease to exist...period." Man, HHH must be taking a page out of Monty Brown's Promo Book. Orton, in black "Orton" undies with huge gold hip scrawls, carrying the Heavyweight Title, forehead bandaged, still to Evolution's video and theme, walks dejectedly to the ring. Jack Doan is in the ring, should the impossible happen. HHH demands the belt, and Orton makes to yield it to him, but not so fast - Orton throws-down before making a quick escape through the crowd from the oncoming Flair and Batista. HHH is left to scream in the ring, like a madman, for revenge.
Moments ago, the last two sentences.
Presently, in a back hallway, Dancetoria, in yellow "see-my-boobs" top, argues with Bisch about the rightness of Lita marrying Kane. HHH barges in so he can abuse Bisch until the beleagured GM books HHH vs. Orton for Unforgiven. So it looks like Lita DOES have Bisch's office for this week.
Regal, in red singlet with blue trim, with Eugene, vs. AdBreak. Holy shit, AdBreak wins! Yeah, take that you "wrestling" show. It's all about the ads and backstage segmenta. Ha ha!
Regal, in same as before, vs. AdBreak, in the buff, vs. Flair, in silver/red sequined "Nature Boy" robe and red "RF" undies, with Batista. Jack Doan officiates, still in his stripes from before. Fuck yeah, AdBreak wins again! God, you "wrestling" fans are SO FUCKING STUPID! When will you ever learn?
Cont. I totally should have been keeping track of how many times JR has said "Wedding from hell" tonight. If I had a nickel for every time he did, I'd have...a lot of nickles. Benoit, comes out to get him some of the suck that is this show. Regal wins via brass knuckles. So they...play Eugene's music? This match was fucking weak.
SexyBoy returns at Unforgiven. (They'll pay money to see that, right?)
And, if tonight couldn't get any worse, here's the shit they tried to pass-off as Smackdown! last week. Fuck, I'm glad I save those two hours of my life every week.
Coach has changed shirts, now donning red, in front of this nice mural. Oh, and the prissy princesses prance, prance, prance. Pants, pants, pants!
Meanhile, Lita wears a white dress. Mirror mirror on the wall, here's to seven years' bad luck for us all. Hey, here's the ring, all gauded-up. And Kane...is...walking, in a - EWWWW - white tuxedo.
Musicians play cello and piano, as minister and midgets prepare to...well, they can't really make the show any worse than it already is. So let's just strap ourselves in and all go through television hell together. Astoundinly, Lita has changed into a black dress; this perturbs Kane greatly, as evidenced by his facial expressions (that or he REALLY has to go poop).
Bisch, also in one of those godawful white tuxes (what fucking idiot came up with that idea anyway?) to grace us with a Bible verse (to avoid the spider's curse). I don't think that's actually in the Bible, Bisch. Minister pimps some FOOTAGE! Kane reads vows (what?) and so does Lita (ha!).
Trish, in HELLO NURSE! lacey white gown, stockings, bra and panties, comes out to bitch it up. A brief catfight ensues before Kane does a quick pull-apart. Lita "I do"s, and then Mattitude, in black skull shirt and camo pants attacks from behind hitting a Twist of Fate before absconding with the bride. But Kane summons a wall of fire, barring their escape, before chokeslamming Matt off the stage. Kane "I do"s, and they smooch. Kane carries his hard-won bride up the ramp and past her fallen former paramour.
Overall: Thank goodness for MNF (yes, I know it's preseason, and a squash). This was the shittiest episode of Raw in over two years (since the Katie-Vick-era shows). That deserves a hearty "Fuck You, WW". Please, west-coasters, save two hours of your lives and do something tonight other than watching this show.
The only redeming value was the HHH-Orton bit (first quarter of the second hour for you who are keeping score, or for those of you who want to tune-in for the only worthwhile segment).
YOUR CONTINUED HERESY AGAINST THE WRESTLING GODS HAS DOOMED YOU TO SPEND ETERNITY WATCHING A MORDECAI VS. KENZO SUZUKI IRON-MAN MATCH (and Hiroko isn't at ringside for you to oogle).
That outfit Trish had on was amazingly hot. That was the highlight of the whole wedding angle. Very anti-climatic if you ask me. Matt is gonna use a simple table bump and miss 6 months? Thats lame. Mae Young did worse and bounced right back.
Also, Rock needs a new line. "Do I make you wet" joke is overplayed now. The sperm bank one was gold though. I am gonna steal that.
I was a little disappointed with Ric Flair's support of HHH's ultimatum for Randy Orton to lay down for him. HHH wanted Flair to do the same thing last year, but Flair had too much pride to do that, how could he not want Orton to fight back? I'd like to hear his explanation on that.
Other than that, a wonderful episode of RAW, save a slow IC match between Edge and Jericho. I was giggling like a little girl with Rock and Tajiri's interaction.
Orton spitting in HHH's face was absolutely perfect.
The wedding from hell goes off with almost no hitch. I've got to save Kane's vows if I ever get married myself.
An old friend of mine from high school is getting married this Saturday. He's the first of our group to take the plunge, so I'm actually looking forward to it. Now, however, since there's no chance his wedding is going to have:
a) a wall of fire b) inexplicable midgets c) an even-more inexplicable cat fight d) Kane's facial expressions or e) a table spot
It's only going to serve to be a huge letdown. Thanks, WWE.
(In all seriousness, this week, the Kane/Lita/Matt Hardy storyline went from being bad to being gloriously terrible. Now we're well into Al Wilson territory and fixing to become the most entertaining part of the show. To me, if no one else on the planet.)
If tomorrow's lead story in the New York Times were headlined, 'Bush Is Second Coming of Christ,' (L. Brent) Bozell would say with complete conviction that it showed their blatant liberal bias, because they didn't compliment the color of the President's tie." ---Paul Waldman
That wedding was simultaneously uproariously funny (i.e. the "she's having my baby" video package, Trish's zinger) and hideously bad. If Kane didn't totally blow in the ring, I'd be such a fan of his now. But, as such, no dice.
Being a huge Kane mark, not even this scathingly negative report can bring me down. I have never laughed as hard watching wrestling as I did upon seeing Kane's reaction (facial expressions are suddenly Kane's forte)to Lita's black dress. I thought the entire segment was golden, but that may be a very sad commentary about me.
But the rest of RAW was pretty bad, although I did enjoy Flair and Regal quite a bit. And I did enjoy Tajiri, but the Rock seemed kind of forced, IMO.
Like I said Anahiem is Great One terroritory, so I figured he would show up tonight. I missed the middle, but caught the wedding. The wife and I both believed after the HBK coming to Unforgiven promo played, there was no hope. Asteriod Boy is right, Matt is cannon fodder til Shawn shows up. I didn't like the ending, but it was interesting TV.
Yes, Trish was smoking in that outfit as well. Good use of Rock since him coming back in the show probably will help the ratings and get everyone off Orton's back as champ. Once again Rock saves the day, maybe.
Originally posted by Kane Is UglyThat outfit Trish had on was amazingly hot. That was the highlight of the whole wedding angle. Very anti-climatic if you ask me. Matt is gonna use a simple table bump and miss 6 months? Thats lame. Mae Young did worse and bounced right back.
Also, Rock needs a new line. "Do I make you wet" joke is overplayed now. The sperm bank one was gold though. I am gonna steal that.
The sperm bank joke is so old it has whiskers -- hell, it's got muttonchops and a handlebar mustache.
Forgettable show. I had high hopes for Regal/Flair, but it wasn't much beyond the expected stiff shots. Kind of sad to see Regal struggling to get Flair up on the backdrops -- nice underhook suplex though.
It was painful watching Matt try to run while he was "making his escape" with Lita. Hope the surgery does him some good. I've been thinking for a while now that the only redeeming factor in this angle is Kane's willingness to play the cheesy melodramatic villain to the hilt, and it looks like tonight they've decided to embrace the cheese.
Regal/Flair was not up to their Marquis of Queensbury Rules matches from Worldwide 10 years ago. Still, match of the night. Double Knucks was funny. Then again, with only 2 wrestling matches, not much competition. Considering how well it did for WCW, why even threaten having a champ lay down in the ring? Extremely weak finish for Jericho/Edge. If they were going for cheap ways out, just stick with Jericho losing with his foot on the rope. Groin drop on the rope for a DQ hasn't been a DQ since the 80's. Bischoff with a Bible? I wonder what motel he, his wife, and a stripper stole it from. Did they bring back Austin to work on Kane's vows with Vince? Considering Lita is now Kane's property, can he tear out her voice box? Anyone else agree that Trish should wear that outfit as her new ring attire in order to make up to the fans for the extremely subpar RAW? And, at the reception, will they honor the groom's father by serving Pringles?
(edited by redsoxnation on 23.8.04 2327) The Public Demands: Replace the Star Spangled Banner with Brass Bonanza.
Lita can't even act when she has the words in front of her ...
I thought this was a horrible RAW ... While I dig the Rock and it's always good to see him, that opening segment went on waaaaay too long ... I would have at least like to have gotten a 6 man tag match out of it.
The Jericho/Edge match was good, I'm just getting tired of seeing it all the time. I thought for sure Christian was coming out a couple of times.
What's sad is I somehow think the whole wedding thing will get decent ratings.
You're a jive soul bro, a jive soul bro And you're always lyin' to you friends You're a jive soul bro, a jive soul bro And you'll never get nothin' in the end
Also, if Orton's "move" is now spitting in people's faces, they're gonna erode away that girly portion of his fans. On the bright side, they aren't going to try and make that weak match a Mania main event.
(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 23.8.04 2023) Hot Virgins-The World's Most Steadily Shrinking Commodity
Other than the Orton/HHH segment which was only above average, this show was terrible.
I liked the lay down for me angle. I hadn't remembered seeing it in a while, which means my poor memory is perfect for WWE. The angle got "Randy" chants which was it goal. Hence, it worked.
The rest was bad. The Rock with the Divas was a total waste of time. Both Y2J and Edge were blowing spots and looking incredibly weak in the ring. Regal/Flair was a let down. Flair can't wrestle any more one on one.
Kane/Lita could only have been saved if Trish came out to announce that Christian was the father.
The midgets were great. BTW, I guess the ring bearer is related to Kane seeing as his last name is BEARER and all. That wedding woulda been 10x better if everyone was in KISS makeup. I hope they actually DO drag this pregnant thuing out and actually make her give birth to a kid. But, somewhere I am expecting a heel turn for Lita and a big "oh I never was really pregnant, Matt!"
-GAWD, storylines these days suck, ey? Not a lot of wrestling on the show tonight...but there wasn't a lot in 99 either, but at least they had something good to fill it up with.
-I'm hoping this "controversy" for the IC title turns into a ladder match at Unforgiven.
-Rock can't even make the diva search the least bit interesting...really. Is it just me or does the Rock change have to change his appearance every time he comes on? Short hair, a new tattoo, a goatee, something...Oh wait was that the fro chick that got eliminated? That's who I was rooting for, right? Dagnabbit...
-I hope one stage bump isn't WWE's explanation for Matt Hardy being out six months. Bischoff took that bump last year by Kane, and he was back in a week or two.
-Thumbs Up: Trish's outfit -Thumbs Down: Believing the entire loogie was Orton's...
The wedding was fucking hilarious. My roommate and I laughed our asses off. Kane in the white tux, the badly derivative country music package, the midgets, the misogyny.. it's everything I love about wrestling.
And what was up with Lita? That was the best she's EVER looked. Pregnancy really does bring out the inner glow in a woman!
And Rock is still the best in the business. Even when he's just La Resistance kryptonite.
"If you want me to watch the shows, buy tickets when you come to town, buy t-shirts, and pay for a PPV every three days, you bet your ass I'm going to hard to impress. And when you give me stuff that blows and then tell me I don't get a vote on sharing that opinion, I'm going to tell you to go catch an STD." - Hogan's My Dad
"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex "Was he no-selling?" - Me
Benoit being relegated to a post match run-in is fucking lame ass. But I suppose he needed a night off with all the hard work he's been putting in...still lame though.
Lame ass RAW tonight. Not even the Rock with all his talent could save the RAW Diva Search bullshit, but I doubt the WWE will learn from this. What the hell happened with Jericho and Edge tonight? What kind of fucking finish was that? All the ad breaks for matches are getting to be annoying, especially tonight as ScreamingHeadGuy so hilariously pointed out.
"Don't compare my arm to your cheap arm!" -Edward Elric
Screw it...I thought the wedding was awesome. The preacher getting increasingly freaked out as the ceremony unfolded was great. And I now want WWE to release an entire album of piano-and-string versions of wrestler intro music.
Orton/HHH was great. Orton was perfect throughout. Let him mess with HHH for a bit and on the RAW before the PPV, cut a sinister promo reminding HHH that he's the legend killer, and that HHH is next.
It isn't really a surprise when you're in Anaheim that The Rock will show up. And here he is, trying to make the Diva competition interesting. That poor bastard. After that, I would love to hear him say "No thanks" to Vince next time WWE is in Southern California.
Still, I basically enjoyed the show. Was it stupid to waste three segments on a DQ finish with Edge and Jericho? Probably, but they're building to Unforgiven, not starting and ending things in one night. Still, three segments...
That was a very clever "Eugene" sign with the "U" and the jeans.
My sister, who is not a wrestling fan at all, came in my room to ask to borrow a pen, only to wind up in absolute tears watching Kane's face contort and the utter ridiculousness of the wall of fire stopping Matt and Lita.
I get the feeling it won't be the same "Ross Report" like so many of us want. The fact that is says "If you have a question you’d like to ask Jim Ross, click here to drop him a line and check back here this Friday for the answer.