We start out with the “Power is Back” promo, and then go to an Edge montage as if we’re introducing a movie. And immediately following the montage, Edge’s music comes out, and he’s got Lita on his shoulder and the WWE Title belt in his hand. And I’d feel better about Edge’s chances to win the match at the Rumble if he’d gotten rid of the spinner title.
Tonight’s main event will feature John Cena and a partner of his choice against Edge and a mystery partner of his own, we’re told.
Lita: [starts talking but coughs; you suck chants break out] Coming soon to a WrestleMania near you, the rated-R Superstar, the new WWE Champion, Edge!
Edge holds up the belt to a chorus of boos.
Edge: You’ve seen the trailer, but the featured attraction comes at WrestleMania when I defend this bad boy right there. And I will be the champion, a REAL champion, because I’ve proved all of my doubters wrong, and I know that there was a bunch of ya! I equal ratings, I deserve that championship! I am not gonna be some kind of transitional champion, like the Iron Sheik or Mick Foley, guys who won the title, lost it a week later never to be heard from again. I’m not gonna lose it 16 times like Ric Flair. And I’m not gonna become a walking joke like Ric Flair. But uh, then again, Ric’s not exactly walking right now, is he?
The crowd chants “We Want Flair!”
Edge: You can WANT Ric Flair all you WANT! But right now, Flair can barely move after what I did to him last week, and because of what I did to him last week, I am proud, I am so proud to say that Ric Flair will NOT be here tonight! And not only is the Nature Boy not gonna be here, but he is NEVER gonna receive another title match again! You see Ric, I beat you last week, so you go to the back of the line! But don’t worry Ric, don’t worry because pretty soon you’re gonna have some company at the back of the line.
The “We Want Flair” chants intensify.
Edge: He’s not gonna be here, get used to it! But Ric I’m talking to you, because you’re gonna have some company way at the back of the line, someone’s gonna be joining you, and that someone’s name is John Cena. You see Cena, after you cash in your rematch clause at the Royal Rumble this Sunday, and you lose, your career’s going straight in the toilet! And then all of these people are gonna have to hitch themselves to a new bandwagon, they’re gonna have to hitch themselves to another overrated, untalented piece of crap like you! And then, and then me and Lita, we’re gonna go back to my house, the mirrors on the ceiling, spinning hydraulic bed, and we’re gonna have a celebration befitting the Rated-R Superstar!
[“My Time is Now” plays, and John Cena comes out, stopping on the stage.]
John Cena: Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, woo! Do you realize what just happened, this is BIG! And I can’t even believe I’m doing this, but I am out here to say congratulations, man. That movie trailer was AWESOME! I mean, it was very very good, well done. But you see what the people don’t know is that the actual movie, To the Edge,
is unbelievable. I’ve seen the trailer, I’ve seen what you saw, but I got me a bootleg copy of that movie, so what I’m gonna do is give y’all a review right here tonight so everybody can be as excited as I am to see this thing! Don’t get it twisted, this is a classic, with a classic story, boy—meets ho. There’s more—she’s not just a regular ho, she’s a magical redheaded ho! She changes the boy’s life, the boy wins money in the bank, he wins the WWE Title. The boy truly has it all so naturally, the boy wants to make his ho happy. Takes her on vacation to Lake Ta-HO. She wants food, he gets her taters from Ida-HO. [Oh, boy, this is funny and original—not.]
Edge: That’s enough Cena—
Cena: Hey—he traces her heritage all the way back and finds out that she’s actually half Nava—HO!
[Lawler on commentary: “This isn’t funny at all.” And I agree, but not for the same reason he means.]
Cena: The boy and the ho have it all! The WWE Title, they have a live sex celebration in the middle of the ring! Which is more disgusting and disturbing than when Mae Young gave the Boogeyman a little Chunky Rockefeller. But that’s OK, that’s OK, the boy’s on top! But then the story, the story goes way left, I mean the ending you just, you just couldn’t predict. The boy goes to Miami—the Royal Rumble. The single biggest moment of the boy’s professional career! The lights, the world, everybody’s watching, and he stands in the middle of the ring and proceeds to take the worst ass-kicking of his entire life! It’s bad, it’s REAL bad.
Edge: Ain’t gonna happen Cena—
Cena: Whoawhoawhoa, I know you don’t want me to spoil the ending, but it gets worse. I mean the boy really loses everything. He loses the WWE Title, he loses his main event spot, tragically he even loses his ho. It turns out she goes and falls in love with Hacksaw Jim Duggan—HOOOOOOOOOOO! And then one day, the boy goes from being rated-R to rated-G—G for gone, like the WWE Title. G for gold, which the boy never sees again. And G for gonorrhea, which was a little present the ho left him with.
Lita: Hey—hey, hey, hey—hey John, I don’t know who this ho is that you’re referring to. Oh but John, but John, what I do know is that you and Edge have to find partners tonight—and I know the champ isn’t gonna have trouble finding a partner, I know that much. But John, if you’re having trouble finding someone to play with—well you might just have to go play with yourself! [Geez, *that* was a predictable joke.]
Cena: You know that’s good, it’s real good, it’s finally good to see something of substance coming OUT of your mouth.
Edge is finally all, “Enough with the jokes,” and Cena can’t agree more.
“Tonight these people are gonna get a preview of what’s gonna happen at the Royal Rumble. You wanna get gritty, we’re getting gritty Rated-R Superstar, ain’t no money in the bank, sex on live TV or movie trailers that’s gonna change the fact that, although right now you standing next to
a bitch, this Sunday at the Royal Rumble, I’m gonna make you mine.”
Up next, Carlito battles Kane.
We come back to a Dancing with the Stars thing. FFWD!
Through Hellfire and Brimstone, Kane comes out with his tag-team title belt to battle Carlito. Hey, when was the last time the tag-team title or Intercontinental Title was defended, anyway? WWE has this bad habit of forgetting about its secondary titles very often.
Carlit’s out next, and you can tell he’s serious ‘cuz he takes off his shirt and trash-talks on the way to the ring.
The bell rings and Carlito starts ducking and weaving, out-speeding Kane into the corner and hitting punches, but Kane throws him off and takes control, throwing him into another corner and going to town on him. He chokes Carlito for a three-count. Whip into the corner, but Kane eats shoulder. Carlito off the top with a missile dropkick, and he knocks Kane down but only gets a one-count. Carlito punches, kicks and stomps Kane on the mat, but he gets to his feet—whip into the ropes reversed, swinging neckbreaker by Carlito, and back to the kicky-stompy. Kane throws him off, kick to the gut, European uppercut, but when Kane reaches for Carlito in the corner, Carlito punches him off. Tornado DDT blocked by Kane.
Kane on the offensive now. Scoop-slam, clothesline, clothesline, whip into the ropes and Carlito kicks Kane, but Kane isn’t pleased with that—big-boot takes him down. Leg drop gets two. Kane lifts Carlito up and connects with a sidewalk slam, and now he’s headed up top—Carlito gets up, turns around and gets drilled by a flying clothesline. Now Kane’s primed—tombstone reversed, and Carlito with his backbreaker, using both knees. Two-count. Carlito drops a springboard somersault senton and gets 2 ½. Carlito puts a headlock on Kane, but Kane powers him into a corner. Kane charges at Carlito but eats boot, and Carlito goes to the second rope, but the sledge is denied, as Kane reaches out for the chokeslam. He’s got him up, but at the last moment Carlito rakes the eyes and quickly rolls out of the ring, grabbing a chair. He swings it at Kane and gets it kicked back, but Carlito bounces off the ropes and DRILLS Kane with the steel chair. Kane wins by disqualification, and Carlito looks quite pleased with himself. But after a few seconds, Kane does the Zombie Sit-Up—and Carlito’s quick to roll the hell out of there. Smart man.
We go backstage to Edge and Lita, with Edge saying he can have anyone on the roster as his tag-team partner, but the guy he’s thinking of might need a little persuasion—and Lita’s elected to do the persuading. God, please let it not be Snitsky.
Hee—Lita says, “You don’t mean—” “No, baby, just go do what you have to do and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s nothing a little soap and water won’t clean up.” I don’t want to know what that means. But we see that Lita’s going into the locker room of The Big Show, so—hmm.
Coming back, we see that we’re live from the new Charlotte Bobcats Arena, and wow, it looks freakin’ impressive if you ask me.
In Big Show’s dressing room, Lita’s massaging Big Show’s back, and wants to know what his decision is. Pretty quick persuasion. Big Show’s not feeling it, so Lita wants to help relieve some of his tension—she starts unbuttoning his shirt. “I like where you’re going with this. You wanna go to seventh heaven with a seven-footer?” “That is *exactly* what I want to do,” Lita says, and she pulls off her shirt. But for some strange reason, Edge chooses this moment to walk into the locker room. “You like that, Show?” Maybe Lita could finish off what she started after their tag-team match tonight. “Lemme see—me being your tag-team partner tonight against John Cena. HELL, no. *Especially* after what you did to Ric Flair last week. You’re lucky—you’re *so* lucky I don’t just beat your ass right now. And the reason I’m not is because I wanna win the Royal Rumble, and then I wanna go to WrestleMania, I wanna fight for the WWE Championship like a *man*. Now if you’re lucky, and you make it past John Cena, then I’ll face you at WrestleMania. As far as you and Lita go, there’s an old saying that holds true: ‘Pimps up, hoes down.’” I don’t get it.
Trish is stretching, and Mickie wants to ask her a question—is it true that Trish is teaming with Ashley instead of Mickie? Why? Is it because of what Mickie did last week, or is it because she likes Ashley more? “I idolize you, I do everything for you, I used to watch you with my grandpappy, God, you don’t even care!” And she sits down and starts crying, hands covering her face. “Mickie—Mickie, look if it means that much to you, all right—” Mickie stops crying, and looks up. “You know what Trish, it’s fine… you do what you wanna do, I just have to learn to accept that.” Trish is befuddled, and Mickie storms off.
We’re reminded about the mystery partner match. Add Shawn Michaels vs. Shelton Benjamin to that mix, and coming up next, Trish and Ashley battle Victoria and Candice.
Coming back from break, Coach congratulates his boys, the Pittsburgh Steelers, on making it to Super Bowl XL—just another reason for me to hate Coach. But first, Coach is gonna make a big announcement about the Royal Rumble, and he chooses the announce table as his soapbox on which to stand.
Coach says there’s one spot remaining in the Royal Rumble match—and it will go to a nasty, dangerous, cocky and confident individual. And 2006 is sure to be his year. Of course, with a buildup like that, the person in question can only be himself. I suppose we needed some comic relief this year.
But now Lawler stands on the announce table himself, and he’s got something to say—why should Coach be in the Rumble? He can’t just announce that he’s in the match, he needs a qualifying match. Coach says he doesn’t need a qualifying match, because he’s the Coach. He does a survey—the people don’t wanna see Coach in the Royal Rumble—but they *do* wanna see King in there for some stupid reason. “I don’t think so King, I called it first.” Ha! But Lawler says, how about he and Coach have a qualifying match (to determine the least qualified entrant into the Royal Rumble, perhaps?) Coach doesn’t think so, but after implying that Coach is a coward, Coach says it’s on.
OK, but actually neither one of you have the ability to book yourself into a qualifying match.
Victoria and Candice have come down during this wasted segment, so hit their music for a few seconds… and now cue Trish and Ashley! Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when Mickie went absolutely STEINER on Ashley—minus the steel pipe.
Ashley and Victoria start out, lock up, and Ashley comes off the ropes with an axehandle. La Magistral cradle gets a two for Ashley. Leg sweep by Ashley, tag to Trish, and double-team elbow. Trish throws a pucnh, whip into the corner reversed, another whip to the corner but Trish eats Victoria’s elbow. They set up on top, and Trish hits a hurricanrana on Victoria. Trish knocks Candice off the apron, tags Ashley, and Ashley lifts Trish, using her as a weapon as she kicks first Candice, then Victoria down with both legs. Ashley off the ropes, but when she goes for a springboard move, Candice trips her up from the ring apron.
And now the part of Ricky Morton will be played by Ashley. Candice is tagged in, and Victoria lifts her up by her legs, allowing Candice to come off with a huge splash on Ashley for two. Ashley gets isolated in the corner, Candice hits a snapmare, and does her stupid Go Daddy dance before smashing Ashley’s knee using her foot and the ropes. Victoria’s tagged in, and tries a springboard splash but nobody’s home. Ashley’s quick to crawl over to Trish and give her the tag—and she starts cleaning up Victoria. Candice gets up on the top rope, but is cut off by Trish—who then hits an explosive clothesline on Victoria. Stratusphere to Candice! Rock spinebuster to Victoria! Candice charges Trish and gets pitched from the ring. Tag to Ashley, and Trish does a flying clothesline from the apron onto Candice while Ashley climbs the top turnbuckle. High cross-body on Victoria, and that’s enough for three!
Hmm, OK—cue a Mickie James appearance anytime now. And, yup—while Trish and Ashley celebrate, Mickie James blindsides Ashley and starts whaling on her. Trish and the referee try in vain to get Mickie off of Ashley, but she keeps coming back—once even hitting a side kick on her. Finally Trish and the referee successfully block Mickie’s path, and the ref moves forward to force Mickie out of the ring.
In the locker room area, Mrs. Benjamin is cleaning up, tossing some clothes into a laundry bag, and Shelton comes in—what’s she doing, she shouldn’t be touching other people’s stuff. “They should be nice and clean, like Mama’s baby boy.” Shelton’s kinda pouting, and Mrs. Benjamin wants to know what the matter is—“Nothing.” “Don’t you ‘nothing’ me, Shelton Benjamin.” “Well—when I got to the building today—” “Mmm hmm?” “Shawn Michaels—Shawn Michaels called me a mama’s boy.” “A mama’s boy?” “Yes—a mama’s boy! I mean, just because my mama loves me enough to come down to ringside and give me a little moral support, I mean, that—that don’t make me a mama’s boy, does it?” “Hush now—that’s just sticks and stones, sticks and stones! Shawn Michaels just jealous and bitter, ‘cause he know you gonna whoop his little scrawny behind! That’s right, you gon’ whoop his tail! And I’m gonna be right there to see it.” “You know what?” “What?” “I bet if Shawn Michaels’ mama were there, you could whoop her too.” “I sure could! And I’d whoop him and her right together! Now let’s go give my little apple dumpling some sock-it-to-me cake. C’mon baby!”
Coming back from commercial, we see a promo for Superstar Billy Graham’s new book and DVD. And Lillian announces that Graham’s in attendance tonight, as a matter of fact.
“Ain’t No Stopping Me Now” brings out Shelton and Mama Benjamin, and of course Mama’s packing her purse. And I can’t help but notice that King and Coach are laughing at each other’s jokes, sounding very unlike two guys who are gonna try to beat the hell out of each other later tonight.
“(I’m Just a) Sexy Boy” brings out Shawn Michaels, and after the obligatory posing, we’re ready to go—but wait, this must be World Wrestling Entrances, because Vince McMahon comes out!
VM: We interrupt this program to bring you this special bulletin—and the bulletin reads like this—if Shawn Michaels loses this match to Shelton Benjamin tonight, then he will no longer be in this Sunday’s Royal Rumble. Ring the bell and start the match now.
You know, Vince is going to accidentally cause Shawn to go on a massive winning streak, if he keeps giving him this kind of incentive to win.
Shelton and Shawn lock up, and through some chain wrestling Shawn gets a hammerlock on—reversed into one by Shelton, reversed by Shawn, and Shelton with an elbow to Shawn’s face to break it. Shelton off the ropes with a shoulder block takedown. Shelton runs the ropes, sunset flip attempt blocked when Shawn sits down, but Shelton reverses into a sunset flip and gets two. Shelton’s quick to point out that he was *that* close to having Shawn out of the Rumble. Lock up, Shelton with a headlock, Shawn’s shoulders pinned down for two and then one. Shawn tries to escape by running up the corner, but Shelton holds on. Shawn to his feet, runs the ropes but Shelton still holds on to that headlock. Shawn gets into the corner again, and Shelton falls on top of him for two—and again Shelton says, “One, two, three and your ass is outta here.” Shelton’s clearly getting into HBK’s head, incredible!
They lock up again, this time with Shawn gaining the advantage with the headlock, they bounce off the ropes and HBK knocks Shelton down with a reverse elbow. Shelton promptly kips up. Shawn runs the ropes, Shelton leapfrogs over him and tries to do it on the other side, but Shawn catches himself and chops Shelton down. And now Shawn with a clothesline sending Shelton over the top rope!
Shelton runs over to Mama, who cleans up his face with a handkerchief, and Shawn rolls out of the ring, chopping Shelton twice before tossing him back in. “Hey, you knock it off,” Mama tells Shawn. When Shawn re-enters the ring he’s met with a kick to the gut, prompting an “Oh, goody” from Mama, and Shelton applies another headlock. More rope-running and knockdowns by Shelton, and Shawn tries to throw Shelton out of the ring—but he lands on the ring apron. While Shawn’s back is still turned, Shelton starts a springboard move, and Shawn turns around and immediately goes for the superkick that worked so well in their last match. But Shelton blocks it, and hits a kick of his own—wow! Shelton’s confidence level is way up as Shawn rolls out of the ring and lies there.
Back from commercial, HBK is hung up in the corner, and we see that Shawn’s shoulder had slammed into the ring post during commercial. Shelton with a suplex sending Shawn from the ring apron to the ring, and Shelton starts punching and choking Shawn with vicious intensity. Shelton applies a headlock, using his knee to apply leverage to the small of his back—but Shawn gets to his feet and breaks out of it with elbow strikes. Shawn off the ropes, but he eats a Samoan Drop—two-count. Shelton throws Shawn off the ropes, back body drop gets two. Shelton with a body scissors, and the crowd’s trying to will Michaels back into this thing. Michaels breaks out with punches, bounces off the ropes and gets drilled with an elbow. As Shawn gets to his feet, Shelton lifts him up into the corner. Joey says that as far as he knows, Shawn’s the only Superstar to enter #1 in the Royal Rumble and win, and, uh, doofus, you forgot Chris Benoit.
Shelton slaps Shawn around a few times, and tries to superplex Shawn, but Shawn will have none of it. He drills Shelton with a punch to send him off, and sets up for the Macho Man Elbow Drop—but before he can get into position, Shelton runs up the corner and sends Michaels flying out of the ring with a kick right to the head, ouch! Springboard enzuigiri, Joey is calling it. We go to another commercial.
Back from commercial, Shelton and Shawn trade punches, and Shelton gets the upper hand on it—but eats a swinging neckbreaker. “I block your punch you don’t block mine” sequence with Shawn gaining the advantage, they run the ropes and Shawn hits the flying burrito and nip-up. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline, clothesline, scoop-slam, and Shawn heads up to the top rope, jaw-jacking with Mama while he does so. He took too long, though—when he gets up there, Shelton’s there to greet him by leapfrogging to the top rope and hitting a superplex out of nowhere!
Cover—one, two, Shawn kicks out. Shelton whips Shawn into the corner and hits the Stinger Splash, and tries to get the T-Bone Suplex on the rebound, but Shawn pounds his way out of it. Shelton hits a—we’ll call it a Scorpion Death Drop backbreaker—and gets two. Shelton lifts Shawn up, whip into the ropes reversed, Shawn tries to lift Shelton but Shelton lands on his feet behind him. Shelton tries a kick, caught by Shawn right into Shelton’s trademark enzuigiri. Two-count, and Shelton’s starting to get frustrated. Shelton leaps up to the top rope, comes down with a flying clothesline that’s ducked by Michaels, and HBK immediately connects with a clothesline. Shawn drags himself up to his feet and into the corner, where he’ll try the Macho Man Elbow again—and this time it connects!
HBK’s feeling it, and he starts tuning up the band—but he does it in Mrs. Benjamin’s corner. Mama slowly climbs the ring stairs, and the referee comes over to get her down, but Shelton rolls up Shawn from behind. Would’ve gotten three if the ref hadn’t been distracted by Mama, but after an invisible five-count, Shawn reverses, and NOW, naturally, the referee turns around. One, two, three. Arrggh.
A fan walks up behind Shawn (but still behind the barricade), hugs him and raises his hand in victory—nice touch. Shelton’s pissed and frustrated, but he’ll be OK—because he, too, is going to the Rumble.
Backstage, Edge and Lita are trying to get some unseen personage to tag-team with them—and after putting him over a little bit, they reveal that the person in question is, hee, Triple H. So first they went to Show, and now they’re going to his enemy. I love it. “I’ll think about it,” Trips replies.
Coming back from commercial, we run down the Royal Rumble card so far. Edge defends the WWE Championship against John Cena. Kurt Angle defends the World Heavyweight Championship against Mark Henry. The Boogeyman takes on John Bradshaw Layfield. Just added—Mickie James battles Ashley, with Trish as the special guest referee. And the main event, of course, will be the Royal Rumble Match itself.
HBK’s toweling off after his victory, and here comes Vince again. “Well, well, well, well, well whaddaya know. If it isn’t Shawn Michaels. You know, Lady Luck again riding on your shoulders. You have to ask yourself the question, though—when will your luck run out?” “Why are you doing this? Why are you on me? Is it because I told you to move on? You’ve gone completely psycho on me. I mean, if I upset you that much, I’m sorry. You know—don’t move on. Do whatever it is that makes you happy. Do what you gotta do.”
“Oooh, yeah,” Vince replies. “You know what? That’s just what I’m gonna do. You see I’m gonna do what makes me happy, that’s one of my New Year’s resolutions. You know what’s gonna make me happy, Shawn? Spending some of that money I’ve accumulated through the years. Let’s face it—I’ve got more money than all these people in this arena combined. I’ve got more money than—God. And I intend on spending it on myself and having a good time. You know what else is gonna make me happy, Shawn? I resolve that I’m gonna turn this business back some ten, twenty, maybe even thirty years. I’m gonna turn it back to when I personally epitomized this business.” So is he admitting that that’s no longer the case? “Back when this business was sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. Yeah, back to the—back to the all-night parties, Shawn, you remember! God, did I ever have a blast, and I’m starting again all over tonight, yeah. You see uh, that’s—that’s what I’m gonna do. Because you see, I feel as though I have a right to do that. I’m Vince McMahon. I can do whatever I wanna do. So I’m going back to the all-night parties. I’m going back to—not giving a damn about anybody or anything. You see because I believe, Shawn, that you only go around once in this life, and from now on, I intend on going ‘round like no man’s ever gone ‘round in history. So, what about it, do you wanna join me in a little history, do you wanna delve into some decadence? Haven’t you played the part long enough of the loving, faithful, loyal husband? Haven’t you played the part of the loving father long enough, of the peace with yourself in your heart? Your heart’s gonna betray you, Shawn. What about it, hmm? What about walking on the wild side? Whatever happened to that—that brash, pill-popping son-of-a-bitch Shawn Michaels, huh? What happened to that guy? That’s the guy that could join me in going back—going back to where we belong. What about it, Shawn?”
Shawn looks up at him, looking like a tired old man. “No. Never.”
“No? Oh, you disappoint me. You so disappoint me. Earlier I asked you when you thought your luck was gonna run out—now I’m gonna tell you. Your luck runs out, Shawn—your luck runs out at the Royal Rumble this Sunday. And I guaran-damn-tee it.” Vince leaves, and the camera watches Shawn’s pondering face.
Back live, The Coach is already in the ring, still wearing that obnoxious Steelers jersey. As King’s music plays, Joey Styles pleads for some of that old-school King—pull down that strap and beat the living hell out of Coach, PLEASE! Can’t agree more. But Lawler doesn’t deserve to be in the Rumble any more than Coach does.
They lock up, and Coach applies a headlock, they bounce off the ropes and Coach knocks Lawler down with a shoulder block for a one-count. Coach is smiling a little too much for just those two moves. They lock up, Coach backs King into the corner and whips him into another corner—he goes for a splash but no one’s home, and Coach crotches himself on the ropes. When he falls down to the mat, King steps on Coach’s left hand, and then his right hand. Coach gets up and he’s pissed—he kicks King in the gut and sets him up for a suplex, but can’t lift King up. Lawler reverses into a suplex of his own. “I think I’m gonna finish him off right here,” Lawler says quite audibly, and he pulls down the strap—but suddenly a school fight song plays and a bunch of guys in, um, whatever you call male cheerleader outfits, break out of the paper through the entrance and do a cheer. They’re dressed in green-and-white, and call themselves the Spirit Squad. They do some flippity-floppity towards the ring as we see King’s bewildered expression. “The Coach rocks the house, The Coach rocks the house, he rocks it all the way down!” the Squad exclaims.
Meanwhile in the ring, Lawler is hitting fist drops on the Coach, and he pulls the strap down again, heading up to the second turnbuckle—but when he’s about to go for his move, one of the Spirit Squad members blows a REALLY loud air horn, ha! Lawler steps off the turnbuckle and wants to know what’s up with that, but they were buying time for Coach—he rolls King up from behind and gets three!
King’s protesting, but Mickie Jay insists that it was three and that the match is over. Back in the ring, the Spirit Squad chants “Two, four, six, eight, who do you appreciate? Coach, Coach, Coach!” in that annoying way cheerleaders do. They even spell out Coach, and Coach looks surprised and pleased. Suuuure.
Was one of those guys Nick Nemeth?
Back from commercial, King wants to know who Coach’s cheerleaders were, and he does a very bad job of feigning innocence.
Our next match is an over-the-top-rope Second Chance Battle Royal, in which the winner gets a second chance to enter the Rumble (does that mean he’s in, or does that mean he gets a qualifying match?) provided he can throw this man over the top rope—The Big Show, naturally. Looks like our combatants are Lance Cade, Rob Conway and Gregory Helms. Helms and Conway are immediately thrown off of Coach, but Cade grabs the advantage and the other two capitalize, and get fairly close to throwing Show out—but Show starts throwing the three men around, and in short order they’re all eliminated.
But Triple H’s music plays, and he comes down to the stage. He’s got Show’s undivided attention, no doubt about that. But Trips isn’t gonna come down there and club Show like a baby seal again—“although it looks like your hand is healing nicely, that was a very impressive win. But I hate to disappoint you, big man—you’re not gonna win the Royal Rumble. And I hate to disappoint all 28 other guys who are gonna be in there because they’re not gonna win the Royal Rumble either. That honor is reserved for me. And last but not least, tonight I hate to disappoint Edge, but I have to, Edge, you’re on your own, kid! I’m not gonna team with you tonight because, quite frankly I’m done taking charity cases. I got rid of the last charity case I had stuck to me two months ago. I am finished ‘creating stars’. I am finished letting people stand by my side, bask in my glory, while they try to make something of themselves. You see now, it’s for me. I am going to win the Royal Rumble, I am going to go to WrestleMania to compete for the WWE Championship, and it’s not gonna matter if it’s Edge, it’s not gonna matter if it’s Cena! Whoever has that championship is gonna step into the ring with the measuring stick of this industry! They’re gonna step into the ring with the greatest wrestler alive today, The Game! And mark my words, at WrestleMania, the king of kings goes back on his throne.” Show seems to disagree.
Edge is still looking for a partner, but Lita seems content giving him a blowjob instead. But then there’s a knock at the door, and someone enters. “You—you, why didn’t I think of you?” “And now, everyone is satisfied,” says Lita. But of course, you’ll have to wait ‘til the commercial break to find out who that person is.
Back from commercial, Edge and Lita are already in the ring. And, yeah—I had a feeling that we hadn’t seen the Best Wrestler in the History of the Known Universe yet. Edge’s partner, naturally, is Chris Masters, and the crowd is going wild! Just listen to the silence! LISTEN TO IT!
John Cena comes out next, and I wonder who he found as a partner. Couldn’t be Flair, could it? Oh, yes, it could! Edge looks like he’s seen a ghost.
Unfortunately the show went more than five minutes over and the DVR didn’t record the end of the match, but I can tell you from seeing WWE.com’s headline that Flair and Cena won the match after Cena made Masters tap to the STFU.
So, sorry about that. Anyway…
DASCOOL: Michaels/Benjamin was good as usual, although, dammit, when are they gonna let Shelton get a win over HBK? Carlito showed off some great heel chicanery against Kane.
YOU SUCK: The Second Chance Battle Royal was pretty pointless and stupid. Vince’s continued backsliding into madness can’t be good, either—Michaels should be facing someone who can actually *wrestle* at WrestleMania.
WHAT?!: The Spirit Squad was pretty random, wasn’t it?
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