PRESTON QUINN! represents GOOD! JACEY NORTH! represents BAD! FABULOUS FREDRICK?S! hair makes us WEEP! TOMMY LOGAN! BIG VITO! JOEY MATTHEWS! PITCHERS! are really CHEAP! NWA-VA! DADDY!
NWA-Virginia ? April 28, 2002
PR: Phil Rippa- Drunk
DR: Dean Rasmussen- Drunker
PR: A two-hour drive to Harrisonburg is the perfect excuse for me to break in the new car so I am off. This is the most picturesque drive to a show you can ever take as from DC you get to take 66 out to 81 driving right through the heart of the Shenandoah Valley. Is it all sorts of rainy and overcast and it cast the creepy yet beautiful ethereal mist around the mountains. Then right as I get to Exit 12 and emerge from the ?canyons? the coolest thing happens as I drive out from under the overhang of stormy clouds right towards the brilliantly lit nameless mountain ? it could have been the Murderhorn for all I know. I make sure that I rub this all in to my wife when I get home. I note that it is mile 96 before the cows start to show up. I am tempted to forget about the show as I see signs for the Ponderosa Steakhouse. The Johnny Appleseed chain also intrigues me. Maybe I should have eaten before I left.
DR: I roll out of bed and call THE PRO~! and the [mul]DOOMSTONE to comically try to coordinate things. Then I lay back down- so the younguns decide to bury me in blankets and pillows. Rippa calls and we figure out where we will meet and what tapes to foist upon each other. My youngest has her own agenda and does a full Rufus R ?Freight Train? Jones headbutt to my nose and I screech in pain. She has the most adorable smile on her face and I say, "Awwww, she's so adorable when she crushes my nasal septum...." I opt to get up and let the crying begin. MDS shows up and - since it isn't 11:00 am yet - he's not under the influence of sweet booze or anything else just yet. He has a lot of Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg cds for the trip. Satan Pro is - of course- TARDY. Enraged, we enter his Explorermobile and he idiotically allows me to drive. We have a big fat old time listening to Bill Hicks while taking in the bucolic splendor of Western Virginia. Mitch Hedberg is funny as all fuck.
PR: I arrive at James Madison University where - for all intents and purposes ? the show is being held. Thanks to Mapquest?s baffling directions, I only get lost by a couple of blocks. The parking lot has random wrestlers gathering up their gear and families heading home from Sunday Brunch from what appears to be the only open establishment in the town of Harrisonburg ? Spanky?s. Damn Blue Laws.
DR: We pull into Harrisonburg and Satan Pro is worked up into a tizzy about finding a bank. I tell him that we must find Rippa so we can key his new car or something. There is a line in the front of the bar as we approach and - as is custom at any Virginia viewing - we see Confederate Mack and Ace sauntering up. MDS and I freak out because Deicide played this bar the week before.
PR: I meet Dean, [mul]Doomstone Ryan and SatanPro in front of the Mainstreet Bar & Grill. Jacey North makes a quick appearance outside which allows us to confirm that the show will actually take place. Dean was worried that the ring wasn?t set up ? a feat that had seemingly become the staple of many an Indy show in the fair state of Virginia. Jacey also promises to get me a copy of his comp tape before the day is done.
DR: Jacey asks if this is gonna be a drunken frenzy like Wrestleforce America and I tell him that we would have had to have started drinking at 4 in the morning to pull that off again. We decide that - after he enters the building - we shall hate him for mangling the genetic code of Georgia even further by stomping the Groins Of Youth and will hate him with dire intensity accordingly.
PR: Confederate Mack and ACE show up with the same thought many of us who are waiting in line have ? where?s the bathroom and where?s the beer? It is confirmed that at least Dave will be at the show ? assuming he doesn?t decide to wonder his alma mater in hopes of finding the room he used to live in. In the meantime, the passing cars heckle us ? one guy might have been checking out Dean?s ass.
DR: My favorite was the middle-aged lesbian with Yoko Ono glasses giving us the business and definitely checking out my ass. My sweet ass could have turned it around for her - as she was reaching the autumn of her life and needing a younger fat boy to bring hot splatty lovin.
PR: For the record, the show costs $15 bucks but pitchers are only about $5 or $6 so it all evens out. There is a little raised area that I think normally serves as the stage that they have some seats on. The rest of the place is standing room only. So the 40 people who were there fit nicely. We, of course, stand right at the bar.
DR: We did the round system just like Johnny Saint vs. Tony St Clair- except without wrestling, but with booze. I bought the first round and the only swill they had was Budweiser and Natural Light. I opted against the Lite and opted for the pee-like Budweiser. Actually, my pee has more alcohol and has a far more hoppier taste if I remember correctly. I confide to MDS that I haven't actually eaten anything yet today and was getting really drunk really fast. He confides that he also hasn't eaten all day either, so I knew this was going to be a fun trip. MDS and I notice the blacklights and the Led Zeppelin poster. I too was wondering if this was once a Spencer's Gifts and ask the bartender lady if she has a bunch of incense she could fire up to complete the ambience. She gives me the "Ahhh, Now I Get It - Y'all Are Idiot Drunks" look. Six bucks a pitcher! Let's all move to Harrisonburg.
PR: We commence with the Rob Hoffman heckling. I think Rob immediately regrets encouraging us to come down. It takes us a little while to remember that we are in a bar and that this crowd is 18+ so we haven?t started working blue yet. Rick O?Brien ? the NWA-VA head dude guy thingy ? comes out to warm up the crowd. Then Big Vito. That starts the ECW chants and we are unhappy. Zeig then comes out and attacks Vito to set the stage for the main event.
DR: MDS waited at least four pitchers in before yelling, "YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!" to anyone. That phrase is a MDS booze-marker that MDS is becoming drunk - sorta like the first time I mention Dick Murdock. I think I yelled very mean things to Rob- who I always assume is being a heel ring announcer but he is kingsized at the snappy comeback so he is my eternal heel ring announcer even if he starts kissing babies in the ring and giving to the United Way before introductions.
PR: Dean really wants me to hate Dick Murdock for some reason. If I hear the God-Damn story one more time. ?When I was 8, I saw Dick Murdock....?
FABULOUS FREDRICK/ACE SPALDING vs. MAGNUM/VALIK
PR: Fredrick has the fairest hair in all the land. Spalding has this cult following with the crowd that I sure has some reason that we don?t know. I think Valik was the working the gothic Punisher gimmick but I could be wrong. I wouldn?t recall the other half of that team if he came up and punched me in the face ? we were starting the booze run early. HEY! it was 3 pm on a Sunday and we were seeing live wrestling and drinking. Can?t complain. Anyway ? Fredrick came off as the most experienced of the bunch and looked very crisp in the ring. Spalding was basically working as his comedy partner, where he would mimic Fredrick?s moves but always mess them up. I thought it was entertaining ? not wrestling wise ? but entertaining wise. I know Fredrick/Spalding advanced in the NWA VA Tag Title tourney in some way shape or form.
DR: Me, Ace and Raven try to figure out what kind of day job you can keep with bleached blond Buddy Landel '83 hair. I was figuring convenience store clerk or maybe his brother owns a construction company. Raven correctly states that he is deeply taking a hit in the job market possibilities by living his wrestling dream. We all fall in love with Fabulous Frederick's wrestling love.
PR: Dean notices that board poster Sienna is in attendance and he proceeds to creep her out by introducing himself 16 times. Jacey comes out to cut a promo. We give him plenty of heat and there is some good interaction with the rest of the crowd. I fail to be able to come up with a good way to add ?Homer, did you stick your head in the Shine-O-Ball again?? into a good heckle. I resort to crotch kicker and implant popper.
DR: I do remember yelling "SHINE-O! BALL-O!" at Jacey at some point. He was great on the stick riling up the ECW contingent in the front as they questioned his love for the tender touch of women. It was a rowdy and fun-loving crowd. Later on, he would wrestle like a motherfucker against the divine Preston Quinn. Sienna was fabulous and didn't knee me in groin for being such a lummox.
TOMMY LOGAN vs. MAGIC ? NO DQ
PR: Magic is this enormous black man that has this amazing mask, at least I think it is a mask. He could have possibly stared at the Ark a little too long. This thing is an all red thing that is open at the top and bottom so his evil goatee pokes out the bottom. Tommy Logan isn?t afraid to show the world his rack and his plumber?s crack. They fight over the defunct NWA-NY Title and have a spirited little brawl. I really wish people would put their hands up when taking chair or parking signs spots. Things broke down a little bit during the search for plunder spot but everything else was perfectly fine. Logan wins (in what the kids tell me was Logan?s first ever win over Magic. I guess it was Dreamer over Ravenesqe) and then threatens the EMT and then argues with Rob Hoffman. I am just thankfully his pants stayed on the entire time.
DR: Yeah, this was fun. Tommy Logan has been a fun little fat man in each of the NWA VA shows they have run. He can work and bump and do what you need to do. This was a good little match because they actually beat the shit out of each other in a garbage match and it was too close of quarters to pull anything. This was tough as nails.
PR: It is announced that Dylan Knight was not able to make the show. Someone else didn?t make it either. That sets up the following match. There is also a claim that NWA-VA will be on PPV. I buy the next pitcher.
DR: I like Dylan Knight but I was having such a good time by this point that it was like they were announcing the barometric pressure.
JULIO DINERO vs. CHINO MARTINEZ
PR: Julio took two big back bumps but Confederate Mack outworked him on the mic. There was this weird battle of band struts between Martinez and the ref. That was about all I remember.
DR: I remember that Julio took a big bump and we were like- "right in time for the 500 and me and Rippa are drunk enough to think the matches was better than it was..." but then he started throwing punches and it all went to hell. Martinez was perfectly fine.
PR: I think at this point that Dean gets off the great zinger on Hoffman that we ALL know made Rob regret us coming. He had said something about working to lose the Freshman 15 he gained years ago. Satan Pro has ordered food. I am visited by two teenage girls looking for ?Phil?. Fearing a paternity suit due to one of Schneider?s jaunts through the area, I cautiously ask ?which Phil?? Turns out they are just here to deliver my Jacey North comp tape.
DR: Gently, Phil Rippa caressed each young girl's face and took them into the back, pausing a moment to ask them, "Have you ever seen THIS!" Shrieks of laughter filled the back room of the roadhouse as... Oh wait... I thought we were writing a letter to Barely Legal. And I said, "Less carbs, more vegetables!" at Rob. He'll punch me in the stomach next time he sees me.
CHRISTIAN YORK/JOEY MATTHEWS vs. X-RATED
PR: York has traded in the weird autopsy gloves for tiny pants. X-Rated are like 11 though one guy insisted on telling the crowd that he is a senior. I don?t pay much attention to the match because we are distracted by several factors. The Keg needs changing so we await more booze. The Dukes of Hazzard E! special was just ending and the Magnum PI one starting. And that was interrupted by a Tornado warning, which makes me wonder if I am going to be driving home alongside Helen Hunt and the creepy stalker guy from Twister.
DR: I try to con whoever is up to bat (MDS I think) that Yuengling is only 75 cents more a pitcher. It fails miserably. The match was quite a batch of empty wrestling calories as I remember not hating this at all and that is all I remember. I'm sure it had a whole lot to do with all of us getting waay to fascinated with the E! thing on Magnum PI. Plus the tornado warnings were a nice touch in putting the kibosh on me not paying too much attention to the NON-life threatening things in the ring.
PR: I recall a moment where Rob mentions Dean by name, which really confuses a drunk Ryan who is returning from the bathroom. ?I must be really drunk. I thought I heard the ring announcer talking about the Death Valley Driver.? Satan Pro (Dean and I have started using the Miroslav Satan pronunciation) has headed off to join the pod people over on the otherside of the bar. I swear I don?t think the people in seats made a sound all show.
DR: Booze-marker #2: we start calling Satan Pro "Shartan Pro". A confused Ryan is a GOOD thing. He somehow ended buying three pitchers while the rest of had bought two pitchers. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahhhhhh... Jiminy Fucking Crap do I owe MDS a keg and half of booze.
ERIK KREED vs. ROCKY REYNOLDS: - NWA VA Jr. Championship
PR: WOW! Rocky is tiny. Erik Kreed look to be someone who I might be interested in seeing more matches of but with the tiny, bald look he blends into the US Indy wrestling landscape. Perfectly fine match for what I saw ? I had to visit the Little Boy?s Room. The finish was all gummed up by heel turning time and bell keepers.
DR: Erik Kreed continues to creep us out by looking like the most badass Pete Stein to ever wrestle in a bingo parlor and then a roadhouse bar in the State Of Virginia. Rocky Reynolds rocked it as usual, though Kreed isn't the worker that Stars or Stripes or whatever that wacky lucha guy was from the Mechanicsville Showplace Annex was. I remember very little else.
PRESTON QUINN vs. JACEY NORTH ? NWA VA Title
PR: God Damn! This match was motherfucking great. These two are so on when they face each other ? I could have sworn that they wrestled like 93 times but am told that it is only like the 7th time they have faced off. We immediately get sucked in, being brought into the story of the match as beloved, fan favorite Preston Quinn (who might be Dean?s brother) tries to wrest the coveted title belt away from dastardly, cowardly Jacey North. The matwork was amazing and each of the near falls was built to smartly. It was great. We yelled at the ref for slow counting Quinn and the ref would get all sorts of adamant that it was two. Then the rest of the crowd got into the match so by the time Preston busted out the rolling piledriver/Fisherman Buster combo thingy ? everyone was stoked. The finish was the only thing that kept this from being my Live Match of the Year as Tommy Logan came out and there was some confusion and a chair. That bastard Jacey holds on to his title.
DR: I loved how Jacey did a bunch of truly tricked-out matwork into submissions straight out of Johnny Saint's playbook and Quinn would COUNTER INTO SOMETHING EVEN MORE FUCKED UP. It was like nouvelle T2P submissions vs. Southern Scientific Wrestling. It was sooo fucking beautiful. And in-between submissions they would throw the best punches to the face you will ever see. This match was motherfucking awesome. They could start a whole new wrestling style with the submissions and ROCK MOTHERFUCKING SOLID Southern Psychology holding it together. Mother fucking great. And we yelled at Jacey for being such a rat bastard the whole time. It was a blast.
BIG VITO vs. ZEIG
PR: We were so on a high from the last match that we weren?t really paying
attention to this match. Zeig is a no good German who yells ?SHUT UP!? more
than he wrestles. Dean questions why there is a special on ?Magnum TA? on E!
DR: Big Vito was perfectly fine but this was so smoked by the previous match.
DR: I go tell Jacey that I dug his match and he is signing autographs so he signs my stomach. He says he needs to ice his jaw and I could see why. We're polishing off the mortal remains of the last pitcher and Preston Quinn walks by and I drunkenly suggest that he really needs to start using the fistdrop. He says when they train folks, that's one of the moves they show them and starts a picture perfect DiBiase fistdrop so I freak out. Then we all piled into a booth at Spanky's bar and grill and drank and drank and drank and drank....
PR: We see the Nise Tim Noel running around which REALLY gives us the willies. Magic is scaring without his mask on. I think Dean wet himself when Preston did the fistdrop. Jacey is rushing to catch a flight, cursing USAir the entire way. I split to beat the impending storm ? thus ruining my chance to go to Big Lots that I discovered was RIGHT THERE! The ride home was great in its ?boy, that bolt of lightning sure wasn?t afraid to be 50 feet from car? sprint. NWA-VA runs 4 more shows at the bar and I am thinking me might be going back for a few of them.
How fucking terrible Steve "MONGO" McMichael looked last night on Monday Night Football. Fat, Bloated, Drunk, speaking incoherently. Makes you wonder how hard it is to get into Debra's pants, doesnt it?