Lesnar Undertaker Bray Wyatt Seth Rollins AJ Styles Kevin Owens Cena & Nikki Baron Corbin Bayley Anderson & Gallows Naomi (or Asuka if she debuts) BRAAUUUUUN Strowman Neville
Maybe I am going with what I hope more than what will happen.
Lesnar. Please. Reigns, but only with a heel turn. Doubtful. Orton Neville. English supports English. Guessing that doesn't work if you are American! Rollins Styles Owens Miz and Maryse Corbin Banks Anderson & Gallows Bliss Strowman, with Rawley runner up for a bonus point!
'Member when Wrestlemania used to be must watch? Or even must get around to watching? The athletic quality of the median match has probably improved by an order of magnitude since the time when Wrestlemania didn't have a number (first time around). But the booking and storytelling - Oy! Or should that be Oy? Has a generation of reality TV punctuated with three seasons of Married at First Sight led to us losing the ability to tell stories consumable by the mass market? or is it just because I was young then and am old now. Why do so many people find watching unpleasant people cook for each other so damn entertaining anyway? Finding the answer to that is as likely as Steely Dan being signed as the musical act for Wrestlemania XXXIV, so let's predict!
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus, Triple-Threat Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship: I read that HHH, in one of his recent utterances, seemed to know who Enzo was. So that's got to be worth something. Enzo and Big Cass win.
Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks, Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match for the Raw Women's Championship: I'm going back to the Charlotte wins all the PPV matches model, even if no one else is. Charlotte wins.
Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin, Intercontinental Championship Match: I always preferred the IC title as a proving ground for guys on the way up, rather than somewhere to park main event guys when Creative hasn't got anything else for them to do. So I like Corbin in this role. Baron Von Corbin to win.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse, Mixed Tag Match: If the WWE is insisting on redoing mediocre matches from previous Wrestlemanias, given that we've got the most recognizable champ down slumming in a mid-card tag match with their little buddy, The end of Wrestlemania IX is right there for them to pay homage to. However; it's not all bad. This "feud" has at least given us an image of LOLCenaWins as wrestling's own Sheldon Cooper which has amused me greatly. And I suppose that makes Nikki wrestling's Mayim Bialik and therefore the most likable she's ever been to me. Until I see or hear her anyway. So what happens - obviously Miz gets nothing and Cena Bella wins. We also get The Proposal. And it goes For. Fucking. Ever. You know, if I was 45, instead of tying to ban brown people, I'd ban proposals during sporting events, period. Save it for when you're half drunk and run out of excuses to change the subject like the rest of us.
Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens, United States Championship Match: Surely Kevin Owens winning and taking the title is the only move that makes sense here? Surely.
Shane McMahon vs. A.J. Styles: Now this just shits me. This is exactly what Bride and Prejudice does to the species. We suddenly think pairing one of the best in ring entertainers, coming off a strong World Title run, against the pudgy, middle-aged, desk-jockey bosses kid is a good idea. And watching A.J. have to 'sell' said kid's punches from a foot away is just sad. A.J. should win this. But he should also beat Shane like he has never been beaten before. A rectal bleeding style beating. But they won't. In fact, Shane will probably only lose as a result of doing something stupid and hurting himself. Bah.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H, Non-Sanctioned Match: Of all the wrestling tropes that I don't get, it's the "Non-Sanctioned" match. So it's not sanctioned by the organisation, but it's still part of their event, televised on their show, supported by their staff, using their resources, insurances, etc. If there was some sort of regulatory body, it would make more sense. In an entertainment company sense, an actual non sanctioned match would play more like that first Broken match from the Hardy compound, yeah? Rather than just being a normal WWE main event style match except HHH is wearing jeans? The sensible outcome is Rollins to win, but I can't shake the "You know, Pop, just spit ballin'" factor. So therefore HHH wins.
Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship Match: I have never found Randy Orton interesting. He got a little interesting recently, but it was only because he had been uninteresting for so long. But that was just for a couple of days. Then he was back to being uninteresting again. Randy Orton will win because that is the most uninteresting outcome. And because the world hates me.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns: Who is supposed to be the heel in this? My hypothesis is that Roman has been a heel for some time. When watching the Royal Rumble, I noticed him do this goofy double thumbed "lift him up" gesture. This was roundly (and rightly) booed by the crowd. Then, 10 seconds later, he did the exact same thing again. this is not a bloke who is worried about being booed. Nor is it a bloke whose creative company is worried about him being booed. I also think KO did a few babyface things in that match for contrast - the stunner and using Reigns finisher without a douchey/mocking set-up. Of course for this to be true, it would require a patience and soft touch not normally associated with the modern day WWE. Therefore the higher likelihood is that I'm just talking shit. This phenomenon is not entirely unheard of. Anyway, Roman Reigns will win, and the crowd will boo. All as expected.
Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Universal Championship Match: I was equal parts surprised and amused to discover through the week that a local Aussie sports betting agency was allowing punters to bet on this match. (http://www.sportsbet.com.au/betting/sports-novelties/wwe/outrights?ev_oc_grp_id=2227065) Both the outcome and the match length. As of writing, those were Lesnar at $1.04 and the line at 8 minutes. Goes to show you can pretty much bet on anything these days. Up to and including the outcome of a fake fight decided on the whims of an out of touch geriatric. Given that these companies are not in the business of losing money, I'll take Lesnar here also.
EDIT:
Alexa Bliss vs. The Field, Smackdown Women's Championship Match: This has apparently been moved to the main show. Naomi wins the title in her hometown.
We may not be able to tell stories anymore, but did you know I can now buy a burger with truffle infused mayo from the McDonalds drive thru? What a time to be alive.
(edited by Big G on 2.4.17 0255) I hate EZBoard Day.
Guess I should get my predictions in before things start later today.
Brock Lesnar Bray Wyatt Bayley Alexa Bliss Kevin Owens Baron Corbin Enzo Amore & Big Cass Neville Roman Reigns Seth Rollins John Cena & Nikki Bella AJ Styles Braun Strowman
This may hurt my winning percentage (which isn't all that good to begin with), but I think this year, I'll go with Wishful Thinking Booking. How would I book the matches?
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus, Triple-Threat Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Gallows and Anderson retain. The Broken Hardys appear on RAW the next night to challenge them. (TNA will bitch and moan, but WWE won't give a shit.)
Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks, Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match for the Raw Women's Championship: Bayley retains.
Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin, Intercontinental Championship Match: Dean retains.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse, Mixed Tag Match: Miz and Maryse win, making The Miz 2-0 against Cena at WrestleMania.
Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens, United States Championship Match: Owens wins the U.S. Title because Jericho's gonna take some time off to tour with Fozzy.
Shane McMahon vs. A.J. Styles: AJ wins. Do NOT job him out to Shane.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H, Non-Sanctioned Match: Seth wins but Triple H fucks him up afterward.
Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship Match: Bray retains. He deserves a long title reign.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns: Ugh. I think it'll be ROMANWINSLOL but I'm the one holding the book in this scenario. Undertaker wins.
Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Universal Championship Match: UGH, why are two part-timers battling for a world heavyweight championship? Lesnar wins. Since I'm holding the book, this match doesn't go on last, though: I'll give that honor to Bray v. Orton.
Alexa Bliss vs. The Field, Smackdown Women's Championship Match: Naomi wins the title in her hometown.
Neville vs. Austin Aries, Cruiserweight Championship Match: Aries wins the title.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: I'll go with Dolph Ziggler.
"If you're gonna tie my hands up, at least have the manners to stop saying stuff that's just begging for a facepalm." --Bandana, The Order of the Stick
Certified RFMC Member-- Ask To See My Credentials!
Co-Winner of Time's Person of the Year Award, 2006
This may hurt my winning percentage (which isn't all that good to begin with), but I think this year, I'll go with Wishful Thinking Booking. How would I book the matches?
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus, Triple-Threat Ladder Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Gallows and Anderson retain. The Broken Hardys appear on RAW the next night to challenge them. (TNA will bitch and moan, but WWE won't give a shit.)
Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks, Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match for the Raw Women's Championship: Bayley retains.
Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin, Intercontinental Championship Match: Dean retains.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse, Mixed Tag Match: Miz and Maryse win, making The Miz 2-0 against Cena at WrestleMania.
Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens, United States Championship Match: Owens wins the U.S. Title because Jericho's gonna take some time off to tour with Fozzy.
Shane McMahon vs. A.J. Styles: AJ wins. Do NOT job him out to Shane.
Seth Rollins vs. Triple H, Non-Sanctioned Match: Seth wins but Triple H fucks him up afterward.
Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship Match: Bray retains. He deserves a long title reign.
The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns: Ugh. I think it'll be ROMANWINSLOL but I'm the one holding the book in this scenario. Undertaker wins.
Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar, WWE Universal Championship Match: UGH, why are two part-timers battling for a world heavyweight championship? Lesnar wins. Since I'm holding the book, this match doesn't go on last, though: I'll give that honor to Bray v. Orton.
Alexa Bliss vs. The Field, Smackdown Women's Championship Match: Naomi wins the title in her hometown.
Neville vs. Austin Aries, Cruiserweight Championship Match: Aries wins the title.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: I'll go with Dolph Ziggler.
"If you're gonna tie my hands up, at least have the manners to stop saying stuff that's just begging for a facepalm." --Bandana, The Order of the Stick
Certified RFMC Member-- Ask To See My Credentials!
Co-Winner of Time's Person of the Year Award, 2006
Bryan/Kane (Extreme Rules Match for WWE World Heavyweight Title) - Bryan with the running knee for the pin. Evolution/Shield (6 man tag team match) - Shield with the triple powerbomb on HHH. Cena/Wyatt (Steel Cage Match)