No intro. We go straight to Eric Bischoff, and Lillians introducing an I-C Title match? Ookay. Last week, something happened that was so appalling, so heinous, that I could just not let it go unaddressed. We show the footage of Cena FUing Bischoff last week. New RAW, huh? Well, new RAW or old RAW, Eric Bischoff is still in charge. And because of that, I could suspend John Cena. Hell with that, I could bring him out here right now and fire John Cena! But a better idea came along. I like it. John Cena vs. Snitsky, right here, live on RAW!
Thats punishment? Oh, but thats only half of it. See, in this match, the ring is going to be surrounded by hand-picked Superstars. Because this match is going to be a lumberjack match! And Ive got a strange feeling that John Cenas going to be in no shape to defend his WWE Title by SummerSlam. You want to hear my prediction? My prediction is youre going to see the beginning of the end of the championship reign of one John Cena!
OK, hell have to hand-pick some really good Superstars, because Snitsky gets beaten by
everyone. And they show me a preview of the Diva Search, great, one thing for me to not watch. And Kane vs. Edge in a steel cage? Will this feud
ever end? Do Kanes feuds ever end?
Here comes the Intercontinental Title match. The title can change hands on a countout. Ha! So Benjamins gonna face Carlito, huh? And dont tell me, Carlitos going to get himself disqualified. But this still ought to be a good match.
Carlito jumps Benjamin immediately, and here we go. Knockdown by Carlito, gets him into the corner and begins stomping him picks him up, punches, whip into the corner, clothesline by Shelton! Slam, Stinger Splash, and Carlito runs out of the ring. Shelton off the top, and connects with a shaky clothesline. Shelton rolls him back into the ring. Shoulder block off the top, and Shelton knocks him down again. Carlito jumps out of the ring and looks like hes gonna take his ball and go home. But he knows better. Hey, cool new tights by Carlitothe word COOL is on his tights, but the two Os are apples. Ha! Carlito rolls into the ring to break the count and promptly rolls back out. But Shelton gets him with a clothesline, rolls him back into the ring, off the top, and nails him with a clothesline. One, two, Carlito kicks out. Whip into the corner, Stinger Splash no go, Shelton lands on the top but Carlito knocks him into a tree of woe, and stomps his head. Carlito picks him up, snapmare, and now keeping him down with a waistlock. Shelton gets to his feet, elbows him in the chest, tries to chop but Carltio with the knee. Returning fisticuffs, Shelton gains the advantage, whip into a clothesline. Knockdown again. Whip, and down into an elevated slam, cover, two-count. Shelton tries to monkey flip but Calrito holds on, and gets a near-fall. Whip, kick, DDT by Carlito, two-count only. Carlito picks him up, whip into the ropes, clothesline denied by a reverse elbow. Another slam by Carlito and another two-count, and Carlito cant believe it. Carlito tries to pick him up, Shelton with a two-count on an inside cradle. Low-blow into a schoolboy, pulling the tights, and Carlito gets two. Flying kick by Shelton, tries to go for the T-Bone Suplex, and yup, Carlito with a low blow to get himself disqualified. Saw
that coming a million miles away. But not a bad match, nonetheless. Too bad I never thought that Shelton would win, and quite frankly I need that kind of suspension of disbelief to get really into a match.
This was the first time Ive ever attempted doing a match write-up while watching it live howd I do?
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, when HBK answers Pipers accusation of a cheap shot on Hulk Hogan by, well, doing a cheap-shot on Piper. Thatll show him.
Hulk Hogan will be here tonight to answer HBKs challenge. Last time we saw him he was looking at all the pretty lights in the arena, so this ought to be interesting.
Okay someone has an outdated WWE Sunday Night Heat commercial. Come see Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Undertaker, Crash and The Hardy Boyz! Oops. Well, one out of five isnt bad, I guess. And four of them are still alive, anyway, that aint bad.
We see the footage of last weeks Angle Invitational, and here comes Kurt Angle as if they were expecting him to show up, hmm. And hes got some cops with him, so were gonna have another Angle Invitational match, hmm? OK. I wonder if Matt Strikers gonna have a new name and hometown this week. Last week in the Kurt Angle invitational, I had each and every one of you fooled. I made you people believe that some supposed hometown hero was gonna take my gold medal away from me. But in reality, I could have won that match just like that. Two minutes and fifty-nine seconds, one second short of the three-minute time limit. I like drama. See, taking my medal away from me is like the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowlimpossible! Now since Im in no mood to go three minutes, Im gonna make this one short and sweet. Now bring out your hometown hero! Ha, its Striker again. What, Kurt, not gonna ask me my name? Im Matt Martel, and Im from Philadelphia! And I am the guy who took you to your limit last week. And I want another shot at your Olympic gold medal. First of all, dont ever take my microphone away from me, ever! Second of all, you are the biggest liar I have ever met! You said your names Matt Martel, youre Matt Striker! Last week you said you were from New York, now youre from Philadelphia! Ha! He nails him from behind as soon as he turns around. European uppercut, lifts him up for a repeat. The straps come down thirty seconds in, but Strikers got a choke on Angle! Angle flips down to the mat to try and escape, but nope. Two minutes left, and Angle looks like hes out! But Angle gets back up, and Striker now gets him in a body scissors! Kurts face is contorted fiercely! Striker must be getting lessons from Tazz. Angle gets up, and flips him off the ropes. Striker down, and Angle immediately kicks him in the head. Lifts him up, and Strikers dead weightintentional? Cant get him up for the Angle Slam, but there it is. Now the Ankle Lock into the grapevine, and Striker taps out with 24 seconds remaining. Damn it. So, we gonna do this again next week? Its incredible that given only two weeks, Strikers more over than Chris Masters. I know, so is everyone, but
this is how you build a young up-and-comer, WWE. It's the same basic formula that worked with Cena (although he's massively uninteresting to me right now).
Diva search next? Thanks for the warning! *puts on headphones and mutes TV*
So, I found a site thats still offering downloads of EWR 4.2. I downloaded it and created my own federation (named after an old e-fed haunt of mine, New Era Wrestling) and Im set for the long process of competing with WWE. The last EWR update was for August 2003, hard to believe its been that long. Im messing around with my Friday Night Fire card while waiting for the 15 Minutes of Crap to end.
So, tell me, why did they release sixteen or so WWE Superstars because creative didnt have anything for them, but yet creative finds something for the Diva Search contestants to do week after week? Makes me wish that TNA would get on the damn ball already.
Whoahey, the 15 Minutes of Crap segment only lasted eight minutes this week! Im sure theyll make up for it next week. Dont forget, Hulk Hogan returns tonight. Please watch, weve got kids to feed! And Eddie Guerrero wants to tell a bedtime story to Dominic, ese!
Ive got enthusiasm flying out my Oh, its OK, you can say that on Spike TV.
The Boogeymans coming to get you. Please, let him get me and get it over with. My real nightmare will begin when the guy shows up on WWE television and creates more crap TV.
And speaking of crap TV, heres Chavo Guerrero playing golf, talking with Eric, and trying to be white. Of course, hes white so he wants to join a country club! Thats funny, right? Hahaha! Get it, a white guy joining a country club. Weve got that, weve got the Mexicools riding lawnmowers, weve got Muhammad Hassan leading a terror cell, all we need now is Booker T eating watermelon and were all set. WWEs new slogan: WWEWhere Racial Stereotypes Come True. Jericho comes in, and he thinks Chavos a jackass, too.
Apparently, Jericho suggested the lumberjack match, and handpicked each and every lumberjack himself. Ive got another idea about how we can expose Cena outside the ring. Four words-- Battle of the Bands! Its set for next week. Oh, good God. How about I speed that up to its logical conclusion and just poke out my eardrums with a flaming stick right now?
HBKs interviewed, and he feigns a heart attack when hes told Hogans here, ha. And Michaels is still insisting that he did it for the good of the fans. You betcha. He showed a little bit of anger in this segment, though, so hmm.
And, just to improve my good mood, here comes the Dumbest Entrance in the Universe, that of Chris Masters. But as bad as the entrance is, the wrestler is even worse, oddly enough. Look at the musculature! Look at the striations! Oh, jeez, get a room, Coach. The following is a Masterlock Challenge, Lillian announces. Thats differentso I assume Masters already has someone lined up to humiliate this week? But hes still gonna talk. You know, its been over 3 months now, and still no one has broken my Masterlock submission. So Ive gotta ask, where is the guy whos gonna step up and actually break this thing? Whos it gonna be? Maybe, maybe Im just not offering enough money. Okay then. How about we up the ante for the Masterlock Challenge to twenty grand, $20,000? Who wants to try me? Who wants to step up to the Masterlock Challenge tonight?
ROSEY?! This might be interesting. And hes got green, black and white on now, instead of the blue and orange. So theyre going to make the tag division look even worse than it already does? Lets have Goldberg answer the challenge and get it over with already. Ha! Rosey flops him around, teasing us that hes actually gonna do it. But now hes faltering, and there he goes. Yup. What other midcard wrestlers career are we going to destroy? Oh, here we go...
THE BIG SHOW, MOTHAFUCKA~! Now, whatcha gonna do, brother? Of course he runs. Come try to put that Masterlock on me. Masters says no. Youre just like a squirrel in the wintertime, youve got no nuts! But Masters doesnt bite, goddammit. Is any good ever going to come out of these things?
An interview with Edge. That cage will keep all the other psychotic losers out. You know, the person Im not supposed to talk about? And whoa, Edge gets pissed when talking about that guy. Nice touch that theyre still not mentioning Hardys name.
A commercial for Hogan Knows Best, and then Real American plays and here comes Hogan. Im very interested to hear what hes going to say. He actually can cut very good promos when hes motivated. Hogan does the ear pose, but doesnt actually do his flexing. Hes got the mike, and he just stands there for the HOGAN! chants. They could do that forever, you know. Like him or hate him, no one can pop a crowd like Hulk Hogan. Well let me tell you Hulkamaniacs one thing brothers! Hey, the first thing Id like to do is thank each and every one of you Hulkamaniacs out there for making my brand-new show Hogan Knows Best the highest-rated premiere ever on VH-1. Thats big, Maniacs. Ive been all around the country, but theres no way in hell Id miss being here in Philly, brother! Well a couple weeks ago the Heartbreak Kid said he superkicked me to get my attention. Well, he got it. You need to come out here like a man and face me face-to-face, brother! And here he comes.
Now, youll have to pardon me if Ive come out here and stolen just a little bit of your thunder, but youd better recognize Hulk Hoagn that the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels Is all about stealing the thunder! Now, I would come down into that ring Hogan chants interrupt him. I would come down into that ring and join ya, but Im afraid if I did wed have to wait another 2 weeks to get your answer to my challenge. HA! You see the last time we were in the ring together, you were flat on your back looking at the lights courtesy of a little sweet chin music. And I dont want any excuses, I dont want any press junket for Hogan Knows Best to get in the way of the answer Im looking for. For years and years and years, time after time, men have come out here and have told you they were gonna be the ones to bring down the immortal HH. They were gonna be the ones to end Hulkamania. Come on, lets face it, its never happened! So the thing is what makes me different from all the rest? What am I, the Heartbreak Kid, going to show you the immortal Hulk Hogan that you havent already seen? But then it hit me, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. You have never, ever, in all of your career, faced someone with the unbridled passion that is the HBK SM. You have never, ever had somebody take you to a level where you have never been. Everyone has fallen prey to Hulkamania. Everyone has fallen a victim to the aura and the myth that is Hulkamania. But me, I dont see it. I wanna push you like youve never been pushed before, I wanna show you that you are the one whos going to have to step up for the first time. You, if you accept my challenge for SummerSlam, are gonna find out that your immortality has a price! The question is, do you have what it takes to pay that price? Not in the past, no no. Today, and forever. If you accept my challenge, youre going to go in there with the headliner, the showstoppa, the main-eventer that is the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels!
Hogan says that when HBK was trying to graduate from high school, Hogan was selling out the Philadelphia Spectrum. I can tell you one thing man to man brother. Next time you try to superkick Hulk Hogan dude, its gonna be eye-to-eye in the middle of the ring! All you wanted was one more match? All you had to do was ask, brother, because your ass is on! He says its gonna be HBK vs. Hogan and all the Hulkamaniacs. Ask yourself one question, Shawn Michaelswhatcha gonna do brother, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania destroys you?
Hee, looks like most of those lumberjacks are SmackDown expatriatesnice touch. Although Tomkos there. So he and Jericho are friends now? Jericho gives a pep talk, but I miss most of it because my cat throws up and its more important to make sure hes okay and get it cleaned up before it stains the carpet. Not that I can imagine the carpet getting more stained than it already is, since I have three cats.
I wonder why Lillian added the by any manner to the end of escape the cage. Does that mean someones going to escape by getting slammed through the bottom, or slammed through the cage, or am I reading too much into this? So, how much of the He Who Must Not Be Named/Edge is WWE Real, and how much isnt? And how are they gonna get out of this without retconning once more? And before Edge enters the cage, you-know-who jumps out, attacks him and gets pinned by a dozen security guys. Go back to the indies, asshole, Edge says. Ha! A couple security guys are holding Edge away too, in very realistic fashion. But Hardy escapes the cops and runs like hell for the exit. Hmm.
We come back to the cage match already in progress, and Kanes punching Edge. Whip, telegraphed a backdrop attempt, and Edge hits an Implant DDT for a two. Punches him in the corner, and now Kane punches back, but Edge rakes the eyes. Whip reversed, and Kane hits the backdrop this time. Clothesline. Whip into the ropes and a big sidewalk slam by Kane. Now hes headed up to the top rope, but Edge catches him and punches . Kane punches back, knocking Edge down, but a spear hits Kane, whos between the ropes and the steel. Would have been better if Kane couldve sold it. Now he slams Kanes face into the cage, and splashes for more offense. Kane and Lita kiss through the steel cageyuck. And while we were distracted by that, Kane bladed himself, apparently, cuz hes busted wide open now. When was the last time that happened? Edge continues the offense, concentrating on raking Kanes head in the steel, but Kane longarms finally, and slams Edge into the cage. Clothesline, clothesline, whip, backdrop. Wow, same sequence you just did, jackass! Whips into the corner, clothesline, and sidewalk slam again. He goes to the Ultimate Warrior school of wrestling. Now Kanes climbing the cage, trying to escape maybe? No, hes gonna go for the flying clothesline, and he hits it. Back to his feet, slams his head into the turnbuckle, and goes for the corner ten-punch. God, this *is* the Ultimate Warrior. Crowds popping, is Hardy coming back out? Right hand takes Edge down. Whip into the corner, splash denied, Edge with the missile dropkick. Edge gets to his feet and starts climbing the side of the cage. But Kane grabs his foot and crotches him on the ropes, thatll ruin his plans for the evening. Now Kane slams Edges head into the cage some more, and follows with a big boot. Kane signaling for the chokeslam, but Edge lowblows. And while Kanes down, Edge climbs into the corner. But Kane intercepts him and powerbombs him straight to hell. Cover one, two, NO, Edge kicked out. Kane picks him up and tries for the Tombstone but not gonna happen. Whip, and the spear by Edge. One, two, no! Edge is going for the door, why doesnt anyone do it feet-first? But Lita gives him the briefcase, Edge tries to use it but Kane ducks and chokeslams Edge. Kane drags himself up by the ropes, and is now trying to climb the cagejackass, the doors right there. But Edge is her, and whacks him with the briefcase. Idiot deserved that. But as Edge climbs out, Kane sits up, and grabs his throat on the top but Edge nails him with the briefcase, and that gives him enough time to climb out. Not a bad match, but Kane needs to learn two or three more moves, I think.
Four Brothers just proves to me that Mark Wahlberg is waaaaaaaay overcompensating for the Marky Mark era. But go on and bust a cap in someones ass, Mark. I wont be watching.
Hey, the Philadelphia Phillies are here. Im not a Phillies fan, so I dont care. For that matter you can make all the Eagles jokes you want, tooIll be laughing along with the rest of the country. Hey, lets be equal-opportunity here and pick on the 76ers, too!
SmackDown rebound. Yeah, I know
now that Benoit and Regal had put on a phenomenal Velocity match, but wouldnt it have made sense for him to come to the champs aid?
Maria wants to know if Cenas nervous about getting hit by aexes or fallen trees. Cena plays along, ha, and sends Maria to get his flannel shirt. Re Bischoff-- I am not Y-2-Cheap Chris Jericho, and my head is not up your ass! The Y-2-Cheap thing was dumb the first time, which in WWE Logic means Turn it into a T-shirt! And he says hes gonna take names and kick ass, like I havent heard that before.
So, we know Jerichos jobbing at SummerSlam, what do you bet the result of the Battle of the Bands is predetermined and hes jobbing in that, too?
And good God, were having Kane/Edge CLXXVIII next week, this time in a stretcher match. Yeah, yeah, lets run through all the gimmicks and get it over with.
And so the champ is here. Lumberjacks include Rene Dupree, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, Chavo Guerrero, Carlito, Rob Conway, Chris Masters, Antonio, Romeo, and a few guys I dont actually recognize, whats up with that?!
Is that a new (old) haircut on Cena? Snitsky immediately throws him out of the ring, where Conway beats him for a second before Cena gets him back. And Conway grabs Cenas foot in the cornerwhat does Conway have against him? Cena quickly regains control, if he ever lost it And Snitsky again throws him out of the ring, where Tomko and Carlito gain the advantage after Chavo and Dupree have initial problems. Now Cena runs out of the ring intentionally and gets pummeled. We go to commercial break, and when we come back John Cena will pull a Kevin Nash and find a way to win this match despite 16-on-1 odds. And it looked stupid back then, too.
Were back, and Snitskys in a resthold which Cena gets up from. Punches out of it, doubles him over, but Snitsky spinebusters him. Dupree and Chavo attack him again while hes down, and I think he must owe them money. Verticlal suplex blocked into a snap-suplex by Snitsky. Punches stagger Snitsky, and Cena goes into the ropes but is tripped by Jericho and thrown into the steel steps. Jerichos now beating the hell out of Cena for probably the first time since this feud began. More basic offense by Snitsky, and this is putting me to sleep. Cena regains the advantage, blah blah blah, kick, knock Jericho off the apron, but Snitsky with a clothesline from hell for a two. And now Jerichos exposing the metal part of the separator outside. Another resthold by Snitsky, and another Hogan comeback by Cena. Clothesline, Stinger Splash misses, Jericho restrains Hebner while Cena goes for the FU, and Angle comes in and chop blocks Cenabut only a two-count by Snitsky. And now they drag him out, and Cenas getting the shit beaten out of him. Back into the ring, Snitsky with the big boot, and another two-count. Theyre really insulting my intelligence if they expect me to believe Snitskys gonna win. Meltdown reversed into a DDT, and here comes some helpShelton comes in and beats the shit out of Carlito. Tajiri, Rosey, The Big Show, and Visceras here to do a little gay thing with the Heart Throbs. God, I thought wed relegated that to Heat. But Jerichos got a chair and tries to deck Cena, but Cena catches him. Snitskys got it now, and he misses with the chair, FU, and its over. Whoop-dee-doo. So this is going to be one of those feuds like Randy Orton vs. Mick Foley, right, in which one guy wins in every single situation?
So, to review:
DASCOOL!: Wow, not much. Um, Hogan shockingly accepts HBKs challenge? Matt Striker shows more signs of being able to get over, but didnt last nearly as long this time.
YOU SUCK: Wow, where to begin. Main event and cage match were boring and formulaic. They telegraphed the conclusion of the Shelton/Carlito match, meaning they couldnt get me excited about seeing it. They finally send The Big Show out to put an end to Chris Masters, only to have Masters run like the chicken shit he is. And Viscera needs to get off television, right now.
WASSUPWIDAT?: Absolutely no reason to have Rosey job to Masters, but its not as if the Masterlock Challenge is based on logic. I still dont think I was able to identify all the lumberjacks in that match since everyone, it seems (Conway, Dupree, Chavo, etc.) has a new look and gimmick. Visceras thing with the Heart Throbs was stupid as hell. And how can Viscera and Lillian both be faces when Vis broke Lillians heart? (Oh, right, because cheating on your girlfriends
okay if you climb aboard the Ho Train. Despite what that stupid bitch says about wanting to get married.)
Overall, I didnt care for this weeks RAW, and there were far too many things on this program that insulted my intelligence. But I guess Ill watch again next week, if only so I get carpal tunnel even faster. ;)
(edited by ekedolphin on 18.7.05 2318)
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