Wow, WWE really can put on a montage sequence, cant they? Great job with the opening Hogan/Michaels montage as always.
I spit in the face of people who dont want to be cool! Great way to start off the show with Carlito. Hey, what happened to Caribbean Cool, anyway? Is the Cabana going to be an official weekly feature on RAW? If so, Im not complaining. But when does he defend the I-C Title, anyway? Oh, as soon as I ask that question, yay, Sheltons returning and were having another rematch. Sweet. Ooh, were gonna have HBK on the Cabana? Sweet (2)!
OK, thats not HBKs music. Whys Chris Jericho coming out here? If were gonna have a talk show feud, I think one of these guys should probably turn face first. My moneys on Carlito, actuallyWWE knows how much fans want to cheer him. And wow, Jerichos getting jeered pretty fiercely here. Hee, get rid of this yard sale of a set. Oh, heehee, were gonna have a duel Highlight Reel/Cabana segment? Brilliant!
You dont dictate whats cool to me, Im Canadian! Oh, yeah, Im Chris Canadian Cool! HA! You just dont get it do ya, Sideshow Bob? Oh, yeah, with your little imitation flowery shirt, and your fancy purple pansies, ooh! Y2Js cracking me up. And you have to love Carlitos little The Rock stare when Jericho starts trashing his show. Oh, damn it, will you get HBK out here already? I dont give a shit who conducts the interview.
My guest is the man who superkicked the moustache off of Hogans kisser. Hee! OK, I did
not expect Roddy Piper to come out. Were gonna have Pipers Pit instead? And notice how JR almost,
almost referred to Piper as the WWE Champion? And whats with that music, anyway?
Lemme tell you and your friend Buckwheat Hee, I love all these hair jokes on Carlito. OK, so were gonna have Pipers Pit but theyre gonna hold off on the explanation until later in the show? Wow, that was a nice 13-minute segment that accomplished nothing. Although there are some things that cracked me up.
Shelton vs. Carlito for the I-C Title, sweet. Edge vs. Kane bah! Is there anything thats gonna come out of this feud?
Oh, God, just when you thought that the Chris Masters portion of
RAW had been taken over by Ren Dupree, here he is again. Im not sure why Im watching this, except for the hope that maybe
someone will finally beat this creep. Oh, wait, its a match, not a Masterlock Challenge? OH, DAMMIT, THEYRE GONNA JOB TAJIRI TO THIS ASSHOLE AFTER ALL. I should have figured we werent necessarily out of the woods on this one despite the fact that he wasnt here last week.
Is it even
possible for someone to have 1% body fat? I thought you at least had to have 3%, right? So, Lex Luger was three times as fat as this creep? Bull. Ooh, Tarantula denied, that was kinda cool. But here comes the Masterlock, dammit. They actually jobbed Tajiri to that asshole. Do me a favor, WWE, and release Tajirias much as I love himand let him go to TNA before you commit any
more acts of gimmick assassination.
HBKs all-white attire is kinda creepy in a Gangrel sort of way.
Kanes gonna appear at the San Diego Comic Convention?
That fits.
Theyre replaying the Matt Hardy tease from the wedding video? I assume theres got to be a reason for that, right? If hes actually going to TNA or ROH full-time, why would they be giving him free advertising? I mean, WWE might be doing this just to screw with us, but
Yuck, I like feet but I dont feel the need to see Litas. Gross. And theyre using her
feet to bribe Snitsky? Good God, as if this angle couldnt get any stupider?!
That was fucking creepy. I wonder why theyre showing the end of the Hell in a Cell match are they bringing Triple H back to television that quickly? And are they using the fact that he got his ass kicked in the Hell in a Cell to garner
sympathy for him, like they did with the legit injury during the Benoit/Jericho vs. Austin/HHH match?
Oh, interesting, Carlito gets an introduction from Lillian as well, despite the fact hed gotten to the ring before we came back from commercial. I dont know what makes JR think Carlitos gonna keep this a straight wrestling match. All I know is, Im gonna enjoy this. Huh, that dropkick by Shelton wasnt quite perfect, but I liked it it looked more real that way. Hee, Sheltons kip-up and expression immediately afterward was good. Carlito gets kicked to the floor, lets take a commercial break! (Bet you didnt see
that coming.)
What do you bet they had that sleeper hold on for the entire three minutes we were on commercial? Hee, gotta love the big fuckin ROH sign in the crowd. Sign police screwed up on that. And why do people hold up T-shirts in the crowd instead of wearing them?
How do I get my hair to grow like Carlitos? Stick my finger in a socket? Carlitos gonna be the butt of hair jokes for the rest of his life, heehee. And Carltos having problems putting Shelton away probably would help if he actually had a finishing move. On the other hand, I think that fact is one of the coolest things about Carlito. Carlito goes for the suplex and Shelton reverses it into a neckbreaker and Carlito sells it perfectly, ha! Nice superplex followed
instantly by a pinfall attempt, but its not enough and now Carlito goes for the I-C Title belt? Maybe hell get himself disqualified intentionally? No, he gets himself counted out! What a dick! And Shelton is
pissed, ha! If it were me, Id have knocked out the ref. Or step outside yourself, thatll reset the count, right? Still, good ending, and thatll make people want Shelton to beat Carlito even more. I hope.
Cena and Bischoffs argument was drowned out by Sheltons music and the announcers, and I think thats a good thingwe know they were arguing, but we dont know what about. Hmm.
And I guess were about to find out, because when we come back from commercial, we get stuff from last week, and then here comes John Cena. OK, a person being ubiquitous, JR, is not necessarily a good thingit means hes all over the place and you risk people getting sick of him. Just saying. You got Eric Bischoff up your ass? You probably wanna get that checked out. And when you call Jericho out, Bischoff comes out? I wonder what would happen if you called Bischoff out. Hee, frosty-tip. Uh, Jerichos coming out, but hes not dressed to wrestle. And when the SummerSlam match is made, listen to Y2J kissing up to Bischoff, ha! But at least that means they wont be blowing this feud off on free-per-view. Youre not championship material. Y2J is now JBL?
You know, for being in WWE since 1999, and being at least in the upper-midcard the entire time, hasnt Jericho had very, very few WWF/WWE Title matches on pay-per-view?
Hee, Bischoff is gonna get FU-ed. Yup. I think it was a nice touch how they had the microphone in front of Bischoffs mouth the entire time. Nononono, Im the General Manager, I will
sue you! Reminds me of Mean Genes Dont touch me, Ive got a fleet of laywers! Welcome to the new RAW, bitch!
The RAW Diva Search is live and it is next! Thanks for the warningBolero it is. And if I had a Neilsen box, youd better believe Id be changing the channel. But dascool, Ill keep the TV on Spike, and resume watching RAW when the 15 Minutes of Crap is over. (Then whyd you watch the Chris Masters match? Shut up. Okay.)
As I catch glimpses of the Diva Search thing while blasting my brains out with Ravel, I cant believe Im dignifying this shit by actually having it on in the same room as myself. Hey, if I wanna watch soft porn, Ill watch soft porn, all right? Honest.
When we come back from the 15 Minutes of Crap segment, Kurt Angle comes down to the ring accompanied by two cops, carrying his medal. Going back to the squash-match Kurt Angle Invitational matches, huh?
Great. Wouldnt a good strategy be to run as far away from Angle as possible? Hee, I like the jobbers tights, with the apple and worm. Though hes probably committing gimmick infringement against Carlito. Matt Martel? That name
does sound familiar. What?! Theyre bringing in Matt Martel, the teacher guy? Interesting!
Hes not gonna tap to an armbar or something, is he? And I imagine hes destined to get an offensive move of some kind? Gotta like how Angle looks at the clock and sees hes got 1:21 to keep kicking Strykers ass. Got some moves in now but Angles dropping the straps. Youre toast. Wait, he BROKE THE ANKLE LOCK? COME ON, DUDE! Oh, you ass, you couldnt have lasted ONE MORE SECOND? Bullshit. But a nice tease, though. Maybe Strykers getting a WWE contract? The crowd definitely seemed behind him in this brief match. Give him a shot, WWE.
HOLY SHIT! MATT FUCKIN HARDY! Man, if Id blinked, Id have missed it! So the question now is, were they swerving us the whole time?!
Oh, no. Please tell me the Boogeyman thing was for a movie, and not for a wrestler. But working at Blockbuster, I know they just
had a movie called
Boogeyman, so good God, theyre bringing one stupid-as-hell gimmick. Think theyll do a Dustin Rhodes/Seven thing?
Still cant get over Matt Hardy kicking the shit out of Edge just now. Holy shit. So is he on Kanes side now? Are we still going with the Lita and Kane were married storyline, or are we switching to real life? I know, its best not to overanalyze WWE storytelling. So does this mean Matt Hardy will face Edge at
SummerSlam? And did they wait until Matts no-compete clause expired just to work the smarks? And what about those who dont read the internet, are they gonna know what the hells going on?
Oh, Edge and Kane are having a match, right? OK. Well, no tany more. Snitsky gets a face full of chair, but it wasnt his fault. And now that Kane and Snitsky have exited stage left, here comes Matt! Saw that coming this time. Are they even going to acknowledge who this is?
Ooh, I like this theyre going with a rebel thing for Hardy hes not supposed to be there, hes not even a WWE Superstarthats why hes being arrested, no questions asked. (Of course, they would have cut away if he were invading the show in real-life, so you know that Hardy
is, in reality, back in WWEif, in fact, he was ever gone to begin with). And he referred to Edge as Adam. Didnt refer to Lita as Amy, though. But hes got kind of an old-school Stone Cold thing going on right now, and you gotta love the WWE can kiss my ass! line. I find it interesting that the announcers havent said a single word about himagain, adding to the this is unsanctioned surreal-ness of the whole thing. Good choice! Now lets not turn this into crap.
If this whole thing was an angle, then let me say that 99% of us bought it hook, line and sinker, myself included. But dont let us know that for a fact! Matt Hardys more over now than hes ever been before. DONT FUCK IT UP!
Now, lets see Michaels explanation. This ought to be good. This
needs to be good. This is a match that, regardless of its actual value as a wrestling match, is going to sell a lot of SummerSlam buys.
Hee, the ring kilt is brilliant. Contrite is exactly the word for Michaels expression, good one, JR. He was very subdued after he superkicked Hogan, and he still is. Lets hear what he has to say.
Ooh, Piper doesnt like Hogan, and hes still saying HBK took a cheap way out?
[HBKs opening statement transcribed verbatim, and my fingers hurt nowI hope yall appreciate it!
]
For the last twenty years, I have come into this ring with one intention and one intention only, and that is to leave you people with something that you would never forget. I literally broke my back to give you that. And I believe that I delivered. No one has created more RAW and pay-per-view moments than the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. No one has left you with more WrestleMania moments than the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. And no one has had a greater impact on the direction of this industry than the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. At the WrestleMania Hall of Fame, I heard your chant to Hulk Hogan for one more match, one more match. It was then and there that I decided that I would once again sacrifice myself to give you what you wanted. Last week, I believe I guaranteed that Hulk Hogan will have one more match. I just made sure that last match was going to be against me. Youre known the world around as the immortal Hulk Hogan. Im gonna be honest with you[pauses for Hogan chants] and that is why hes the immortal Hulk Hogan, but again Im gonna be honest with you. I have, nor will I ever, seen it the way that you do. Im going to prove that in this instant perception is
not reality. So, tonight, I am laying down the challenge. For the first time ever, SummerSlam, the immortal Hulk Hogan versus the Showstoppa, the Headliner, the Main Event, the icon, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. And at SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, I will prove that mortality or immortality has a price. [hands the mike back to Piper]
I tried to transcribe Piper but I lost him, dammit. I need TiVo. Why would you ruin a reputation like that? I wanna know why.
You think this isyou think this isnt hard for me? Look, I respect you, I always have, but Ive given my answer, and thats it. [a bunch of other stuff] I know the damn answer! Because, Shawn Michaels, youre a coward! WHAM! And the same forlorn expression on HBKs face that was there last week.
Strange, strange, STRANGE that Piper comes to Hogans defense.
So, for a brief recap:
DASCOOL!: Matt Fuckin Hardy is back! Matt Stryker almost lasted against Kurt Angle! HBK superkicked the hell outta Piper, and Carlito had a good match with Shelton and an interesting way to continue the feud.
YOU SUCK!: They still only had three matches on RAW for the third week, at least, in a row. And thats being kind, assuming you consider Tajiri/Masters to be a match.
WASSUPWIDAT?: Trying to plant babyface seeds for HHH already? Not gonna work. And I never want to see Lita barefoot on camera ever again.
And the Line of the Night:
"WWE CAN KISS MY ASS!"-- Matt Hardy
(edited by ekedolphin on 11.7.05 2315)
Hey, I'm bilingual! I speak Profanity and English!"
--Charles Barkley, Inside the NBA, May 8, 2005Four-Time Wiener of the Day (5/27/02; 7/3/02; 7/30/04; 8/28/04)
The Only Five-Time (and Last) N.E.W. World Heavyweight Champion
Certified RFMC Member-- Ask To See My Credentials!