I may have been a little harsh on WCW following the last edition of Nitro; but I can’t take it back. Ever. It’s been 17 years and it’s as terrible now as it was then. Adding Zeus / Lugwrench to the Alliance to End Hulkamania has no modern equivalent, but I’m going to try and paint a picture.
After years on top of the promotion, a misfit group of heels form an unlikely bond to end John Cena’s career. CM Punk, the World Champion, pairs up with John Laurenitis, the useless old wrestler who happens to also be in charge of the booking committee and as a result, never seems to have to sell for anyone. CM Punk’s best friend, the solid and loyal midcard star, who might flirt with the US Title on occasion, Colt Cabana is on board. John Laurenitis has deep ties to the outside world, as he’s also the Executive Vice President in charge of talent, and brings in a world of freaks to try and help out. Cheex is resurrected from the early days of TNA. Luther Reigns is brought back under a new gimmick, “The Abdominal SnowBeast”, with Nathan Jones debuting the following week as “The Lactacular Areola”. They are booked 6 on 2 against Cena and his close personal friend and life partner Randy Orton. But the week before the pay-per-view, we’re given the final selling point ... when out walks Robert Patrick who played “Rome” in The Marine, and Aiden Gillen who was “Miles Jackson” in 12 Rounds. However, it is not explained who they are, but rather the announcers act in shock that these “men” from Cena’s past are here, and also Aiden Gillen now goes by the name “The Gestapo” whose finishing move is “The Gas Chamber” and the promotion doesn’t understand why everyone’s offended.
Nuts? Because this is EXACTLY what’s happening in WCW RIGHT NOW (a long time ago!).
And what’s crazy is that about half the time, WCW was beating the WWF at the ratings game at this stage. How was this even possible?!?
Oh ... right.
I need a place where things make sense. I need WCW Prime.
CHRIS CRUISE and DUSTY RHODES hype an interview with Liz later, but little else. Time is wasting, and we best not waste it on these clowns, but rather ...
THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY
If I had 3 wishes for WCW at this point, I can’t promise I would rid the company of TPE, but that’s only because the Dungeon of Doom was plenty prevalent. Steve is sporting a very dapper new mushroom cut here, making him the early frontrunner as the world’s tallest 5th grader. Rock headbutts Scott from the top rope, and spends an awful lot of time talking to the camera as opposed to getting this over with. Steve tags in as a house of fire, and is promptly double clotheslined because Armstrongs are Southern for “Chumps”. Rock finishes with the swanton at 2:58. DUD
THE SHARK and ONE MAN GANG vs. EDDIE JACKIE and BILL PAYNE
I don’t care for Eddie Jackie. We all have our reasons for disliking wrestlers. Sometimes it’s because they’re terrible in the ring, sometimes it’s a certain look, and sometimes it’s a lack of charisma. Jackie falls into the fourth category; tights so small his penis is easily described even on a standard definition screen from a VHS recording. 747 finishes Payne at 1:20. DUD
“DIRTY” DICK SLATER and COLONEL ROBERT PARKER are mulling over Parker’s woman problems. Slater promises to get rid of Madusa the “right way” this time. Parker promises to smash her square in her face. The 90’s were a different time.
SGT. CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long) vs. THE GAMBLER
Can you imagine getting the opportunity to sit through one of these marathon Universal Tapigns? Sure, you’d have to sit through a non-stop slew of Armstrongs, Pittman, and VK Wallstreet, but you’d also get delightfully delicious moments like The Gambler playing 52 Card Pickup with the camera man right here. I am getting to the point where I am genuinely bothered that The Gambler never wins a match. Not only would he make more money he’d be able to filter into the poker world, but a broke gambler is never a pretty sight. For example, google “Iceman” Teddy Monroe. I’ll be here when you get back. Cruise mentions Gambler has improved over the years here in WCW, and any day now, he might actually win a match. Pittman headbutts Gambler a bunch of times, and drops him with a terrible spear. Code Red finishes at 3:43. 1/2*
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. RIC GARCIA
Dusty Rhodes figures this would be a good time for DDP to take “the win” against Garcia. Also, Kimberly has been redubbed the Booty Babe, so feel free to bang your head against a wall until the pain subsides. Garcia gets way too much offense for a random jobber, but thankfully DDP listens to Dusty and takes the win with a Diamond Cutter at 2:21. DUD
Elsewhere, MISS ELIZABETH grants a second part of her exclusive interview. Liz calls her marriage to Savage a long 7 years, where she was forced to associate with people she didn’t like (aka Hogan) and treated like garbage. She has half of everything, but now wants more, including all his hopes and dreams. She looks up to Woman as someone who knows how to use her charm to get what she wants, and hopes to emulate it. She says Ric Flair is all man, and lives a lifestyle she could get very used to.
THE BARRIO BROTHERS vs. AMERICAN MALES (in the Match of the Week)
Riggs leads a USA chant against the Barrios, who are deeply offended on behalf of whatever country they’re representing this week under this particular gimmick. Riggs goes deep into the well, and pulls out some dropkicks. Bagwell splashes Ricky for a quick 2. Fidel lumbers around like a human version of an aging bowling ball, and sells a series of moves by moving his lips slightly. Ricky gets in a single throat thrust against Bagwell prompting a very loud USA chant, because, as always, WCW Prime is taped in front of a live studio audience. Fidel tries a running splash, but his run is at the speed of a slow waddle, leaving Bagwell nearly a half hour to get his knees up. If WCW had their wits about them, they’d have had him take a break and grab a sandwich from new sponsor, Jimmy Johns, prior to blocking the move. Ricky misses a top rope elbow, and turns things back over to big sluggy. Bagwell hits a crossbody for 2, but gets dumped leaving Riggs alone 2-on-1. Fidel heads to the top, but axehandles his partner, leaving him prone to a double dropkick and the Males win at 6:24. *
Just one more show until ... it happens. I’m taking creative solutions (but not THE Ultimate Solution) to find excuses as to why I couldn’t recap the show – please submit your best ideas and the winner gets to recap it instead.
See you Saturday for the aptly named Saturday Night.
Originally posted by cbgbBut the week before the pay-per-view, we’re given the final selling point ... when out walks Robert Patrick who played “Rome” in The Marine, and Aiden Gillen who was “Miles Jackson” in 12 Rounds.
8:2 handicap match. Only way I see Cena losing is if Orton turns on him and Orton gets pinned. Otherwise, Five Moves of Doom, and The Champ Is Still Here.
Hogan though, is no John Cena, so I am nervous about this match. I originally assumed that Arn was going to pin Hogan for a third time and End Hulkamania Forever, but now that Pillman is back in the fold, my prediction is that Pillman will get Hogan the victory over Sulivan, and Hogan/Savage/Pillman/BOOTY will form the Four Hulkmen.
What is the point of the Barrio Brothers? Have they ever won? Did they used to be relevant?
I didn't think Coach & Snow were bad, but I didn't think they were good either. But I also realized that if I wasn't actively focusing on the quality of their commentary, I wouldn't have nearly as many complaints.