CHRIS CRUISE is in the house, and immediately ruins my night by reminding us we’re not too far from WCW Uncensored. DUSTY RHODES leers over his shoulder, excited about our big news. Yes, the World Champion, Ric Flair, is in the house – and WILL be featured in the Match of the Week. It’s always good to see the World Champion showing up on these jobber shows, just like Hulk Hogan did for all those years. Right Hulk? Hulk??
SHARK vs. EVAD SULLIVAN (with Ralph the Rabbit)
Sullivan stops off to let the handicap kids pet his rabbit which I can’t find the strength to joke about because I actually like stuff like that; but I AM wildly amused that somehow the Stunt Granny has managed to sneak into the Special Needs section and gets a tender moment with Ralph. Shark screams that he wants competition, and not the likes of Dave Sullivan. Sullivan responds with some terrible punches, a god awful wind up, a shove, and an elbow drop so brutal even the Stunt Granny has abandoned her wink for straight up disgust. Shark takes over at this stage and finishes with a Shark Attack at 1:41. The kids boo; so do I. DUD
I usually skip over the 10 second hype pieces, but this one slayed me. “I’m CHRIS KANYON.” “I’m MARK STARR.” “We’re Men at Work, and your cawfee bweak is ovah.” Kanyon was rubbing his hammer seductively the entire time; was this filmed inside of a closet, or have we moved past that and now they’re out?
MEN AT WORK vs. THE BARRIO BROTHERS
Cruise completely drops character here and calls the Barrios by the names “Fidel Sierra and Ricky Santana”. Great job numbskull. Dusty: “I’m hearing Men at Work are training, like 8-9 hours a day, alone, together, so they want it bad.” I bet. This is a wild, out of control match, that is so unpredictable and concerning that a camera man stays perched on a neutral corner comfortably filming the entire time without a care in the world. Starr blows a spinebuster somehow, by dropping Ricky while he was still on his shoulders, so Ricky performs the rest of the move himself. Santana dumps Starr to the outside, and drags Kanyon into the match. With Fidel’s help, they are able to hit their trademark finisher, the “Heel Miscommunication” which never fails to signal the end, and Mark Starr’s missile dropkick finishes Ricky at 4:41. *
RENEGADE vs. THE GAMBLER
Let’s be clear, there’s only one acceptable finish to this match; Gambler hitting Renegade with a loaded deck of cards, and ending his career while announcing “YOUR LUCK IS OVER”. And if you actually believed WCW would do such a thing, you’re new to WCW. Cruise: “You’re going to see things at WCW Uncensored you’ve never seen before and you’ll never see again.” That’s no lie. For god knows what reason, this match is given a ridiculous amount of time by Prime standards, with most of it featuring Renegade on offense. Handspring back elbow sets up the Money Shot for the win at 6:44. 1/2*
BRAD and STEVE ARMSTRONG vs. THE BLUE BLOODS (with Steven Regal)
Regal nearly vomits during his entrance looking at the vile Americans. Who can stand it? Dusty points out that Taylor is a mat technician, but I’d personally call him a European Uppercut technician. Taylor does not disappoint. Steve Armstrong tags in as a house of fire that causes Regal to make painfully disturbed faces. Regal sneaks in a cheat Power of the Punch on Steve and Eaton gets the pin at 3:39. *
ALEX WRIGHT vs. RIC FLAIR (in a non-title Match of the Week)
Alex is wearing a decided evil looking black set of trunks; let’s hope nobody corrupts him and gives him a trench coat and a set of clippers. Flair wastes no time in cheating with his feet propped high on the ropes, leading to Mark Curtis giving him an earful. Wright fires off a series of punches that leaves Ric wobbly, and a dropkick gets 2. Flair begs off, but then yanks Wright’s legs out from underneath and tries another pin with his feet on the ropes. The two trade pinfall attempts, and just as Flair thinks he has control, he flops. Wright throws the 10 punches in the corner, and gets 2 off a backdrop. A spinning heel kick (or a Reverse Wheel Kick if you’re Cruise) hits the mark, and a missile dropkick gets 2. A dropkick misses, so Flair goes for the Figure Four, but Wright packages him for 2. Flair heads up, but is slammed of course. Wright misses a dive, and this time the Figure Four is locked in the middle of the ring. Wright taps at 7:02. Completely paint-by-numbers Flair match. **
Dusty and Cruise wrap it up, hyping the St. Patrick’s Day show next week. Dusty is promising a leprechaun. Eek. Call me Chris Kanyon cuz I'm out.
Not to be a dick? Sorry to anger you with my insolence, O Lord of Smarkdom. How could I possibly forget details from an abscure match at Wrestlemania 7? *grovels* I'm worthless! I'm not a true fan in the sight of the great HarleM HeAt!