Light a traffic sign ablaze – it’s time for WCW Monday Nitro! Will the Steiners and Harlem Heat fight for an unprecedented 28th consecutive show? DO NOT BET AGAINST IT!
We are LIVE LIVE LIVE from an UNNAMED LOCATION! TONY SCHIAVONE and LARRY ZBYSZKO are so excited they might wet their pants, because we have a rematch from the Clash of Champions. And which main event match might that be? Why it’s…
VK WALLSTREET vs. JIM DUGGAN
The referee assigned is NICK PATRICK, so let’s add Duggan’s 2x4 to the list of nWo suspects. It even has “4” in its name. Red herrig, or subtle hint to its motivations? The fans are all aboard the HOOOOO train here. These wily vets take to brawlin’ on the floor because they’re just that fired up. Back in, Duggan hits his “lethal clotheslines” (tm Schiavone), which do NOT live up to their name as VK Wallstreet remains alive and well. A running knee causes Duggan to blindly stomp around like an abominable snowman looking for Bugs Bunny. Wallstreet applies a headlock, so the referee looks to Duggan’s eyes for life. He gets a dumb blank stare, so he knows Duggan is better than ever. Duggan escapes, but misses a blind charge hitting his noggin on the turnbuckle, killing as many as 2 of his remaining braincells. Still, he finds it in himself to explode out of the corner with a clothesline (no word on whether or not it was lethal), and he hulks up. Duggan reaches into his tights and whips out a roll of tape, but Patrick steals it. Wallstreet then grabs it and tapes HIS fists, which Patrick is watching while Duggan finds ANOTHER one in his pants and tapes his fist for the knockout win at 5:27, right in front of Patrick who’s cool with it. Now I’m concerned about the roll of tape’s relationship with the nWo. Order WCW Prop-a-mania this Sunday to find out more. *1/2
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND saunters to the ring, and Duggan’s all fired up about some guy named Terry who turned his back on his family. That draws out RANDY SAVAGE, which scares Duggan into a fighting stance. Savage only wants to talk about Hulk Hogan though, which is disappointing because I want to know more about this Terry character. We re-live highlights from last week where Hogan hit Savage with the chair, and Savage promises to “let it flow”. He also has a problem with the Giant for some reason. That … would seem counter-productive to his goal of gettin’ Hogan.
“EARL” ROBERT EATON (conspicuously alone) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman and Elizabeth)
The camera focuses on a STUNT GRANNY, giving Benoit the thumbs down. I hope he takes her out for pizza later. Announcers speculate Eaton is alone due to dissention in the Blue Bloods. I speculate it’s because Benoit got smoked in about 4 seconds at the Clash, so Eaton’s not really concerned. Benoit spends the first several minutes on the floor, beating the piss out of Eaton who is getting less offense than John Cena on Sunday. Even Woman gets in a few shots for good measure. In the ring, Eaton tries to muster anything, but it ain’t happening, as his feeble attempts to strike blows are met with some pretty vicious palm thrusts. Eaton finally hits a swinging neckbreaker from nowhere, but the Alabama Jam misses, and Benoit shows him how it’s done with a nasty swandive for the pin at 4:02. Now THAT was an asskicking. *
In the back, STING and LEX LUGER are hanging out with new best buddy “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Luger says they have a surprise and a plan tonight. And that’s it. Well then!
DISCO INFERNO vs. SCOTT NORTON
Hey, this is Nitro – I recognize Saturday Night material when I see it. You can’t fool me, WCW. I also don’t see this ending well for poor Disco, who just wants to dance. Norton doesn’t appear interested in dancing. We can leave him behind, because he doesn’t dance, and if he doesn’t dance, well he’s no friend of Disco. This guy Norton is far too serious, all he wants to do is beat up the RSPW legend. Disco manages to duck a clothesline and throw some elbows that Norton barely feels, so he swats him like a fly and stands on him. Probably not as effective as when the Giant does it, but I appreciate the effort. Still, for a guy named Flash, he’s pretty damn slow. A front suplex drops Disco on his face, and Norton finishes with the shoulderbreaker into an armbar for the submission at 4:05. *
TEDDY LONG and ICE TRAIN have found “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Teddy’s irate that Nick Patrick was assigned to Train’s match at Hog Wild, because HE made the decision to end the match and not Ice Train. We then relive last week’s show, where Ice Train was attacked at a CompuServe chat! COMPUSERVE! Dial up chat rooms of the FUTURE! Train promises it’s not over with Scott Norton. Because, it’s only been like 8 months of watching this hate/love/hatefest, what’s another month?
“LORD” STEVEN REGAL vs. DEAN MALENKO
Regal’s already got his “I smell a SKUNK” face on during his walk to the ring, because America is so VILE! I can’t decide how I feel about this match up, except to say Regal had better win. The pair trade holds for awhile, which has Larry awake for the first time in 45 minutes. Not Tony however, who calls for a commercial break!
Back from break (featuring a svelte ad about Ryan Klesko, superstar!), Regal is grinding Malenko’s face into a fine powder. Malenko hiptosses Regal, which the Brit doesn’t care for and he pops Malenko in the nose. Regal with a forearm (“EUROPEAN FOREARM” screams Tony!), and Regal locks on a headscissors sleeper. I suppose I ought to point out the presence of NICK PATRICK here, who admonishes Regal for his dirty work. A friend of Malenko, are we? Malenko seems to have no agenda, he aligns with anyone, let’s not forget about him. I think he falls somewhere between Fit Finlay and Johnny B Badd in terms of 4th man likelihood. Johnny B Badd will be forgotten about if he’s removed from Prime’s opening credits this week, but until then, we know you’re around Johnny! Malenko hits a couple of sweet German suplexes, holding the second one with a bridge for 2. Regal fires back with a butterfly suplex for 2. Regal applies a beautiful floatover schoolboy for 2, and then Malenko gets the quick finish with La Majistral at 6:59. **1/2
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is playing Dick Clark, cuz it’s a countdown to HOUR 2! THE FOUR HORSEMEN with WOMAN, ELIZABETH, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL join the party. Arn says he doesn’t need a weapon, because he’s got something else … guts! Flair screams himself purple, because he believes in wine, women, and song. Flair can’t wait to see Sting and Luger, WCW’s pretty boys walk the aisle, but we aren’t listening to a damn thing he’s saying because the second hour fireworks are ablaze and the Nitro theme is overtaking everything. And when it’s not, hi ERIC BISCHOFF! I assume “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN is nearby, but has enough respect to TRY and salvage this interview. Gene talks about getting a Roman Candle up his pantleg (oh my!), and turns things over to the announce crew.
THE NASTY BOYS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY (with table)
Bischoff can’t WAIT to start talking about the fact the WWF launched a lawsuit against WCW, and somehow makes it seem like they’re working with the Outsiders by saying “they can’t change us, the Outsiders can’t change the way we do business, we are here to stay”. You know, I have a lot of love for Eric, but it’s stuff like this that really showed his inexperience in the role as a company head – because he was more interested in being COOL on camera, as opposed to “hey, saying those things might wind up costing Turner a whole lot of money, maybe I don’t do that”. When times are good, however, things like this are overlooked, and Bischoff’s gonna be here awhile. Am I ignoring this match to talk about Bischoff? Why YES, I am, because they’re doing the stupid twin camera routine as both teams do their usual schtick, although I do not remember being informed that this is Falls Count Anywhere, or Hardcore, or whatever they’re supposed to be doing. Grunge hits a swinging neckbreaker on Knobbs, while the fans call for their favorite wrestler – the table! Grunge goes to drop an elbow on Knobbs who’s now on the floor, but Knobbs rolls over and Grunge hits concrete, ouch! TPE gets together to send Knobbs head first into the steel steps, but Saggs rushes them both from behind with a double clothesline. Still, 2-on-1 is better than 1-on-1, and TPE hits the Drive By. Saggs rolls to the floor, where he is placed on the table, but their second attempt at a Drive By sends both members of TPE through the table as Saggs rolls away. Knobbs comes back and drops an elbow for the win at 4:26. 1/2*
Of course, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND can’t HELP but talk to the Nastys constantly even though he never gets any info from either of them. Saggs promises to continue being as nasty as they want to be, and declares war on everyone. Gene accuses Knobbs of hangin’ and bangin’ with Hulk Hogan. Knobbs repeats that Hogan’s still his friend and will always be his friend, but he’ll do whatever he wants. NASTY SENSATION COMING YOUR WAY. Let’s refrain from talking to them again until they have something new to say.
Meanwhile, Bischoff tells the Outsiders to come and git them some. What the hell?
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
Page of course still has the Battlebowl ring despite losing it to Eddie at the Clash, because he’s a thief. And a scumbag. And a monkey. BANG! Chavo is irate, and sends himself over the top with a slingshot tope, crashing into Page, but also sending himself face first into the guardrail. Head injuries be damned, Chavo and Page head back in, and Chavo’s a house o’ fire! Sadly, a blind charge turns the tide, and hey, is that NICK PATRICK again? Bischoff starts speculating, but Heenan turns the tide on Bischoff and says people are worried about him too. Bischoff ignores him, and talks about all the people who want their shots at the nWo, which is my whole problem with this angle to this point because if they don’t work there, then Christ just take your shots! It doesn’t stop anyone else at any OTHER time! Guerrero almost sneaks in a pin with a sunset flip, and Bischoff notes he’s got virtually no chance because of the amount of weight he’s giving up. Page hits a sitdown powerbomb, and then lets the man up at 2 because he wants to hurt Chavo some more. Hammerlock belly to belly gets 2, and again Page pulls him up. This is NEVER a good idea Page, and sure enough he goes for a Diamond Cutter which Chavo reverses into a backslide for the major upset at 4:31! Page, IRATE, hits a Diamond Cutter, and then steals the belt off Nick Patrick’s waist (who does NOT put up a fight), and he whips Chavo until referee PEE WEE ANDERSON saves the day. If I’m being serious, Page is the clear cut obvious #4 guy with his past ties to Hall and Nash, and the fact he has a mysterious benefactor. *1/2
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND rushes in to get a word with Nick Patrick. Gene is furious that he didn’t do anything to stop Page’s attack. Patrick said when an officer hits the scene of a crime, and there’s shit goin’ down, that he won’t do anything until backup arrives. He and Anderson make a great team, because they always have each other’s backs. Gene asks about the accusations that have been levied against him. Patrick says yeah, Gene is the perpetrator of the damn rumors, and he hasn’t done anything wrong because if he had, he would have been fired already. Patrick says the biggest problem with WCW is that they don’t stick together anymore. Gene points out he knows that Patrick bought a beautiful new home in the last week, and that he knows how much money WCW pays him. “WCW pays me very well, that’s all I have to say.”
AMERICAN MALES vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri and Colonel Robert Parker) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)
Well well well, looks who still alive. I think this is the first appearance for the Males since the nWo backstage attack at the end of July. NICK PATRICK has been assigned to this one too, which is no surprise because he has seemingly had ties to everyone on Harlem Heat’s side. After a brawl to start, things level off with Booker and Riggs. Booker misses an elbowdrop, but breakdances to his feet and nails the Harlem Sidekick. Bischoff calls Booker the most proficient member of Harlem Heat which is like calling Rey Mysterio faster than Hulk Hogan. Stevie hits a vertical suplex, and because he’s gone through all his moves he turns things back to Booker. Booker goes for a missile dropkick, but it’s blocked with a Riggs dropkick to the midsection, and that draws Bagwell for the hot tag. Scoop slams for everyone! Booker tries a pumphandle slam, but Bagwell falls on top of him for 2! Stevie is in to save, but he rolls Stevie up with the tights for 2, which Bischoff calls a slow count (which it totally wasn’t). Riggs gets in a big dropkick, but Patrick gives him a pile of crap for being involved when he isn’t in, and Stevie powerslams Bagwell to retain at 4:08. *
ARN ANDERSON and RIC FLAIR (with Woman and Elizabeth) vs. STING and LEX LUGER
Sting is wearing his green and gold Sgt. Pepper coat today. Before the match, Sting demands that all the Horsemen come down to the ring and join the other two. Flair LOVES that idea, and Anderson waves them down. CHRIS BENOIT, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL head down, and Bischoff calls for a break?
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND has hit the ring, so hot for this story he’s removed his sports coat! Sting says he and Luger can NEVER trust Flair, but everything he’s ever done has always been here in WCW. Sting says that everyone in the ring is WCW. Sting reminds us that Wargames is coming, a match created by the Horsemen, and with all due respect to Benoit and Mongo, there are only 4 people in the ring who have Wargames experience. Sting wants them to work together at Wargames. Anderson tells Sting and Luger he doesn’t like either one of them. He tells Luger he can’t bring jiggling pecs to the ring, but if he brings experience he might be happy to work with him. Luger says he’s never given less than 100% in the ring, and asks them not to blow them off. Anderson won’t do it, until Sting stops worrying what the kids think about him and agrees to put himself in the Wargames as a solider. Anderson says he’ll never quit, and the Outsiders will have to kill him. Sting says he’s lived the life of WCW, and is a little pissy that they’d even ask him that. Flair only agrees, if Mongo and Benoit agree to step aside, because he’s a Horseman first. Benoit says he’s waited his whole life for this kind of opportunity, but agrees to stand behind any decision Arn Anderson makes. Mongo says he’s played for the best NFL team of all time, and knows how to sacrifice. He does promise that he’s going to be watching them closely, and if they try anything they’re done. With that, Arn Anderson agrees to the terms.
The nWo replay the “Rome Italy” promo from the other day. I still laugh when Nash pans the camera as they soak in “Rome”, with “hey, what’s the Denver Post doing here in Rome?”
THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart) vs. RANDY SAVAGE
Savage attacks with a chair before the match, hitting him over the head time and time again! The referee pulls the chair away, and Giant launches Savage into the ringpost, and then gorilla presses him into the ring! THAT starts the match, and Giant goes for the Chokeslam, but Savage blocks with a kick to the midsection. Jimmy rushes with a chair, but Savage brushes him off and sends him out of the ring. He grabs the chair, which draws in HUGH MORRUS and BIG BUBBER. Savage chases them off, cracks the Giant over the head, and THE FACES OF FEAR are now on the scene. Savage bolts, this is LONG over at around 1:00. Giant leaps (!!!) over the top rope like a cruiserweight to the floor, and he angrily RUSHES to the back. DUD
The announcers wrap. Weren’t we promised the fourth man reveal tonight? More mindgames. Back later with the universe of WCW Prime.
If Cena's feud with Rikishi in 2002 proved anything, it's that you shouldn't have people battle rap when they can't rap. Putting Booker out there and asking him to rap would most likely go over like a lead balloon.