I’m on a tight personal deadline to keep ahead before I scamper off to Florida for a week. Something tells me there’s a couple of nights in my near future staying up late, banging out a recap with my wife in my ear asking “WHY are you still doing this?” Because ... THIS ... is WCW.
Uncensored is just ONE week away, and we’re all hype. TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES are beside themselves, because the Megapowers are HERE. Actually, this is a really rare appearance from Hogan on the Mothership. I don’t like it.
MEN AT WORK vs. HETEROSEXUALITY THE ROAD WARRIORS
Before we can get started, THE STEINER BROTHERS rush the ring and attack the Road Warriors. The referee rings the bell about 900 times, but somehow it fails to stop the brawl. I can’t get the edge to either team here; they wind up punching each other right into the backstage area.
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs a hold of the Steiners. They yell a lot about the Road Warriors. I assume these teams do not like each other.
DAVE TAYLOR (with Jeeves) vs. FIT FINLAY
This is Finlay’s warmup for his impending match with Steve Regal at Uncensored. My video has issues with this match, but I can hear Tony talk about the “European Style” of wrestling, so I am assuming Dave Taylor has whipped out his European uppercuts. When we come to; Finlay’s in control, but not for long, because, YES, a European uppercut is coming! Finlay claws at Taylor’s eyes and beats him down. Taylor tries a sunset flip, but it’s blocked by a knee to the back of the head. Taylor throws a shoulderblock to assert his dominance, which sets up the European uppercut!!! Finlay doesn’t fully appreciate the power of the European uppercut sadly, and finishes business with a punch at 3:13. STEVEN REGAL and BOBBY EATON storm the ring, but Finlay fights them off. Regal continues to mouth off in the aisle, and gets knocked out with a stiff right. *
Propaganda of the week; Lex Luger destroys the Mark “The Undertaker” Callous from GAB 1990.
DISCO INFERNO vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG
Disco’s moved on from stealing champagne to hawking CDs to the fans, as well as DDP knuckle bling for only $49.95, which I find insanely hilarious. Armstrong was actually brought up this week by the WWE machine on their list of 25 wrestlers who should have been a bigger deal. I cannot possibly disagree more; Brad Armstrong was fundamentally sound, but was a charismaless lump. You had guys like Chris Benoit who were as amazing in the ring as anyone, but for all the knocks on their charisma, you got the feeling that a real killer lurked deep inside. (Wait ...) Brad Armstrongs’ were a dime a dozen in the 1990’s, as we were really blessed with a long list of talented guys. Brad just didn’t have it. Sorry WWE. Sorry Armstrongs. Meanwhile, Disco spends the bulk of the match insisting Armstrong not touch his perfect hair, so Armstrong backslides him 3 times in a row instead. Russian legsweep finishes at 4:53. Disco pops up after the match with his hair in disarray, and nearly bursts into tears while screaming “MY HAIR!!!” *1/2
LEE MARSHALL has tracked down COLONEL ROBERT PARKER and DICK SLATER. Parker’s been training with Slater, who has used a mannequin instead of a woman to show him how to take down Madusa. Slater promises that the Colonel now knows every dirty trick in the book.
THE PUBLIC ENEMY vs. LARRY SANTO and “PISTOL” PEZ WHATLEY
The Pistol is dumped right away, and Santo follows right behind. We throw our hands in the air, and TPE runs through the crappy motions. Match feels like it lasts an hour, but apparently it’s only 3:49 before Rock pins the Pistol with a senton. A table is set up on the floor, and Santo is put through it with a senton from Rocco as well. Huge spots on a throwaway shows, because, as always ... THIS ... is WCW.
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND has ended his search for insanity, and stumbled upon THE MEGAPOWERS. Hogan says “Booty” far more times than I am comfortable with, though the pair are pretty subdued tonight. I guess they’re coming down. Hogan reveals that Savage will be joining him inside the Doomsday cage.
THE GAMBLER, COBRA, and PAT TANAKA vs. ARN ANDERSON, KEVIN SULLIVAN, and LEX LUGER (with Jimmy Hart)
The joke starts when a high stakes gambling cheat, a former secret federal agent, and a Japanese martial arts star walk into a ring. Luger walks out on his partners with Jimmy Hart running behind him pleading for him to stay put. Of course, it doesn’t matter. Despite the Gambler’s best efforts, he is unable to hold his team together. Arn hits Gambler with the spinebuster, setting up the Double Stomp from Sullivan at 3:07. *
Here’s a look at Steven Regal laying the beats to the British Bulldog!
Meanwhile, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants a word with Sullivan, Arn, and Jimmy. Sullivan says that Hogan’s put Savage on death row, because while the contract reads the Megapowers, it also reads The Alliance to End Hulkamania. Arn brags about being the only man to ever beat Hogan twice in a row; and hell, why not?
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. EVAD SULLIVAN (with Ralph the Rabbit)
Dusty openly wonders if the rabbit has cauliflowered ears. There are far too many members of the Sullivan family on this show; real or fake. Dallas is slammed 10 times in to the buckle face first, and dropped with a backdrop suplex for 2. I’m guessing that’s about it from Dave, because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually have a finishing move, as that would suggest he’s won a match before. Page jabs a thumb into Sullivan’s eye, and finishes with a crappy Diamond Cutter at 2:54. DUD
LEE MARSHALL is your Johnny on the Spot with Dallas Page. Page trashes Johnny B Badd for threatening to run Page out of WCW on TOP of putting up the money and Kimberly. “As I understand it from WCW officials, you called them crying like a little girl that DDP hit you with a Diamond Cutter, and you hit the road jack!” Lee Marshall can’t keep a straight face through this entire interview. Page says the roses from Kimberly were for him, but Marshall says they’re actually for Big Brother Booty who he’ll now be facing at Uncensored.
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart)
This is a return match from Nitro, and you can’t feel good for Duggan’s hopes this time around. Duggan attacks before the bell causing the Giant to be stuck, straddled on the top rope. But, once in, Giant drops Duggan and stands on his throat. Hacksaw rolls to the floor to try and remember how to breathe. Back in, Duggan tries to slam Giant, but winds up trapped in a bearhug instead. Giant misses an avalanche, and Duggan reaches into his trunks and grabs a hold of the first thing he finds ... athletic tape. Duggan knocks Giant to the floor, where LOCH NESS is waiting. The two big men brawl, and Duggan wins by countout at 2:55! Duggan celebrates like he just won the Superbowl. 1/2*
You know that “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is waiting to get a word in with Giant and Hart. Hart screams that he’s still total control of Loch Ness, and books him against The Giant at Uncensored.
KURASAWA vs. STING
Sting is of course still booked alone at Uncensored against the Road Warriors in a Chicago Street Fight, but we settle that here when Sting and Kurasawa fight in a legendary battle for nearly an hour, where a victor cannot be determined, and after the bell sounds to end it, through the sweaty hug of respect, Sting is heard to say “Kurasawa ... it’s you! It was you all along!” Of course, this is just my interpretation of what I saw, what YOU probably saw was Sting winning with the Scorpion Deathlock at 3:08, and absolutely nothing was resolved. **
Sting grabs a word with our mustachioed champion “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Sting’s still stuck without a partner, and is approached by LEX LUGER. Luger: “I’m sick of everyone, except you of course, pointing the finger at me.” Sting isn’t having it, so Luger starts playing up “team of the 90’s” and really sucks at those kneecaps.
Remember when Sting beat Vader? Well, here’s many clips!
Gene hypes a couple of former champions on their way to WCW. I wouldn’t put too much stock into this, I’m sure it’s nothing.
LEE MARSHALL approaches a frustrated STING in the dressing room. Sting: “This is a wrestler’s dressing room, announcers are outside, ESPECIALLY announcers I DON’T EVEN KNOW!” BOOKER T approaches Sting, and offers to help him with his problem. Booker says that Luger might have flown the coop, but he knows a straight up G from the hood. Sting questions Booker’s motives, but Booker swears he’s legit, and all he wants is a title shot for his help. I guess Booker’s learned how to talk to Sting, just swear you’ve got his back no matter what, and you’re good.
THE SHARK and THE BARBARIAN (with Kevin Sullivan Jimmy Hart) vs. THE MEGAPOWERS
Hogan uses his entire repertoire; and between the biting and the back raking, the Dungeon of Doom stands no chance. Tony calls for a commercial break with like 5 minutes left before the top of the hour.
Upon return, Hogan is beating up the referee and gets disqualified at 4:28. The bell is rung no fewer than 1400 times in a row while the brawl continues. Dusty: “Ring it all you want!” Trust me, they are. After nearly 3 straight minutes of bell ringing, the show goes off the air suddenly.
Bear with us ... if we can just get through Uncensored, everything will be alright. Krusty is coming.
So, the card for Uncensored (that has been announced at this point in 1996) so far is Hogan and Savage v. Anderson, Flair, Sullivan, and Luger in the cages Sting (c) and (Booker?) v. Road Warriors in a Chicago Street Fight for the WCW Tag Team Championship Fit Finlay v. Steve Regal BOOOOOTY v. Diamond Dallas Page Loch Ness v. The Giant
The World and Television Champions are busy in the main event. I wonder if the United States division will get any love.
You had guys like Chris Benoit who were as amazing in the ring as anyone, but for all the knocks on their charisma, you got the feeling that a real killer lurked deep inside. (Wait ...)
The Benoit trolling is one of my favorite parts of these reviews.
Gene hypes a couple of former champions on their way to WCW. I wouldn’t put too much stock into this, I’m sure it’s nothing.
Probably just some minor former tag team champions. Feed Sting/Luger more!
Shark and Barbarian beat Hogan too!? I wonder what Mr. Anderson (Ken Anderson's real dad) has to say about that! I also am curious about how Hogan's emotional state is after losing so often in such a short period of time.
Thread ahead: Help fund Baron Von Raschke documentary Next thread: Pro Wrestling Classic Recap: WrestleMania X Previous thread: Impact Wrestling #453 3-14-13