FOR THE CANADIANS: On February 12th, Bell is running their Mental Health initiative. My family has been directly impacted by mental health issues that are often unseen, and remain undiagnosed for far too long. If you’ve never dealt with it personally or with those closest to you; consider yourselves lucky. On the 12th, Bell is donating $0.05 for every text message and long distance call sent on their network. Text-away.
Deep inside the Cyborg Laboratory coming at you from Parts Unknown, it’s WCW SATURDAY NIGHT! And it’s been quite the week. TONY SCHIAVONE cannot talk enough about our new champions. DUSTY RHODES brings us a little Superbrawl hype, but we can’t waste too much time because there are matches to be had!
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. STEVE ARMSTRONG
Armstrong doesn’t even get an entrance, which means he’s been demoted from his Elite Jobber role to strictly Jobber. Armstrong gets an early roll up for 2. Page drops him with an elbow and when Armstrong staggers to his feet, he’s put back down with a backdrop suplex. Armstrong hits a backdrop suplex of his own, and comes off the top with a crossbody for 2. And that’ll end Armstrong’s offensive output. A jumping DDT sets up the Diamond Cutter for a Page win at 2:34. Page screams that he wants one more match with Badd. 1/2*
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs a quick word with Page. Page calls Gene a monkey and compares his feud with Johnny to Smokin Joe and Mohammed Ali. Page says to get his wife back, he’ll put up his entire net worth, $13,000,000.
“LORD” STEVEN REGAL (with Jeeves) vs. DUSTY WOLF
Fans chant USA which causes Regal some seriously epic confusion, followed by a shaken disgust. Regal palm thrusts Wolf in the head with some stiff looking shots. Wolf tries for a monkey flip, but Regal blocks. A butterfly suplex gets 2. Regal pounds Wolf into hamburger with some European Uppercuts, but suddenly SOME FAN yanks Regal to the floor and starts violently pounding on him drawing a DQ at 1:58. While the long brown mullet and pornstache might throw some for a loop – the Northern Ireland jacket is a dead give-away that we are seeing the debut of David “Fit” Finlay. Finlay screams that for 400 years, the Brits have hurt his country, and he’s here to destroy the English pig. 1/2*
JOHNNY B BADD (with Kimberly, Badd Blaster, and Frisbees) vs. MENG (for the WCW World Television Title)
What’s this? A competitive match? My eyes don’t know what to make of this! Meng cracks me up by no-selling a dropkick, and then reacting to a spinning heel kick by popping up on his feet and rolling to the floor. Meng destroys Johnny on the ground, and threatens him with the thumb spike. Back in, Meng clotheslines him, and makes the motion that he wants the belt! My man! Shoulderbreaker leaves Johnny for dead, while Kimberly helpfully bounces. Badd hits a jawbreaker which stuns Meng, and a double axehandle off the top gives him the advantage. Tutti Frooty is KICKED OUT of by Meng! DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is suddenly on the apron, and he pulls down the ropes sending Meng to the floor. He gets in, where Johnny schoolboys him and pins Page AGAIN at 3:44. Are you kidding me? *
Johnny and Kimberly storm to the back where “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is on scene for an interview. Gene asks about the $13,000,000 bounty, and Johnny says nobody can buy a title shot. He insists Page earn a title shot instead, and doesn’t want to talk any more about it.
After taking a look back at the tag-team title change from Nitro – Gene is back on the scene with STING and LEX LUGER. Luger’s quite proud of himself, and doesn’t care how they won the belts. Sting defends Luger’s behavior, as fighting fire with fire, because Harlem Heat took a few shortcuts along the way themselves. However, Sting sends a message to Luger, he wants them to be legitimate champions – and makes it clear, no more cheap nonsense.
BARRIO BROTHERS vs. STING and LEX LUGER (in a non-title match)
Santana and Sting start, with Ricky getting in some early shots. Luger tags in and is dropped with a double clothesline. Fidel comes off the top with a big fat axehandle, and the Barrios having even this much offense has to be considered a Vegas upset. Ricky chokes down Luger with a boot to the throat, heads up, and misses an elbow. Sting gets the hot tag after about a whole minute of action, drops Fidel with the Stinger Splash, and finishes with the Scorpion Deathlock while Luger racks Ricky 2:45. 1/2*
ERIC BISCHOFF has an exclusive interview with KEVIN GREENE from the Clash, in which Greene promises after he wins the Superbowl, he’ll go home and watch Nitro. Boy is he in for a disappointment.
JOEY MAGGS (with Teddy Long) vs. VK WALLSTREET
This is one of tonight’s “feature” bouts – but wait, DISCO INFERNO is out for god knows what reason. He laments to the camera all he wants to do is shake his booty – but winds up chased off by Wallstreet. So, we’re back to what was originally scheduled, and while Tony and Dusty can’t WAIT but talk up the great turn-around that Teddy has brought to Joey’s career, within a minute Wallstreet is already picking Maggs up after 2 counts because he’s not quite ready to end the match. Wallstreet ties up Maggs in the ropes, and beats on him right through a disqualification at 1:56. This can only lead to great things in the career of one Joey Maggs. CRAIG PITTMAN gets in Wallstreet’s face after the match, and winds up taking two Stock Market Crashes for his effort. Teddy Long jumps Wallstreet, and gets slammed in the turnbuckle. VK Wallstreet really needs to go away. DUD
In the back, Pittman begs Teddy to manage him again, because he’s a sad pitiful man. Teddy finally agrees; though I would have filed a stalking charge.
THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart) vs. BUTCH LONG and BUCK QUARTERMAINE
Fans chant for Hogan because they suck. Giant throws both guys around for awhile, drops Quartermaine with a top rope chokeslam, then gives Long a regular one. Double pin at 0:51. DUD
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is right there with Giant, Hart, and KEVIN SULLIVAN. Sullivan promises Hulkamania will end inside a double cage. If that happens, can the Dungeon of Doom return back to their planet for good? Sullivan asks Gene, as a good friend of Hogan, if this is the end? Gene: “I wouldn’t bet a nickel! And I’m not a betting man.”
In epic timing, a commercial for WCW Calling Cards airs, with Mean Gene engaged in a POKER GAME with them. I love WCW.
ALEX WRIGHT vs. RIC FLAIR (with Arn Anderson)
More Hogan chants. Enough with that already. Flair works a hammerlock, and every time Wright looks like he’s escaped, Flair has him right back on the mat. Wright gets chopped into hamburger, and pounded like Robin Ventura. Wright gets something going, but gets a thumb to the eye and is sent down to the mat. Flair cradles Wright from behind, but can’t finish. Flair tries the ropes – and when he’s caught and getting lectured, he gets lectured with his knee dropped across Wright’s throat, like a boss. Wright FINALLY fights for himself, backdrops Ric and follows with a dropkick. Flair begs off, which only gets him some European uppercuts for his trouble. Wright applies a headlock but gets suckered into a backdrop suplex to give control back to Flair. Flair goes for a pin, but Wright bridges out and backslides Flair for 2. A MASSIVE chop sends Wright sprawling, and Flair senses an opportunity so he heads up. As usual, he guesses wrong, and Wright slams him. Flair dodges a missile dropkick, and goes for the Figure Four. Wright gets a surprise rollup for 2. That’s it though, Figure Four doesn’t miss twice, and Wright taps at 6:57. **
My wife seems insistent Dusty Rhodes is black. I don’t know why I find that so funny.
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is right on point with Ric Flair. Flair says he made a calculated mistake on Nitro – but it’s hardly the first time he’s lost the belt. He can’t wait to face Savage in a cage, to show who the better man truly is, promising a 13th world title.
Meanwhile, ERIC BISCHOFF has an exclusive interview with MONGO MCMICHAEL and PEPE. Honestly, I can’t figure out why the hell this guy has warranted an entire month worth of extended hype on this program, when he’s simply an announcer. Look, just because I know the end-game doesn’t mean any of this is time well spent. They talk for 10 minutes about the differences between football and wrestling, as if any of this is relevant.
HARLEM HEAT vs. AMERICAN MALES
This would be YOUR main event of the evening, and has a 50/50 chance of being terrible depending how much time Booker T gets. Booker misses the Harlem Sidekick and winds up on the floor. Stevie is dumped, and we have us a brawl. Back in the ring, Bagwell tosses Booker with a huge backdrop. Stevie trips him up, and Booker nails the axekick. Stevie Ray drops Bagwell with a big powerslam, and has run out of moves. Booker is tagged back in, and hits the 110th street slam. He heads up, and misses a big splash. Riggs with the hot tag after 90 seconds of gruelling action, and takes out both members with forearms. During the melee, we have a distraction with Bagwell, Booker flattens Riggs with a Harlem Sidekick, and Stevie steals the win at 3:02. I thoroughly enjoyed that actually. *1/2
The former champs get a minute with “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Stevie cries about the fact they never lost the titles, and promises to bring them back, after about 15 “sucka”s. Booker promises that having dumped Sherri, there are no more distractions. He also drops a handful of “sucka”s.
The real main event is now, however, as Gene has found HULK HOGAN. It’s a full blown coked out Hogan special, as Hogan says he’s granted Savage permission to hold his belt for awhile. But with Liz in the picture, things are personal now brother. Wait, what??? They turn their attention to The Giant and the double steel cage match at Superbrawl. He promises to pick the Giant up over his head and to slam him into the top of the cage. What is this, Mortal Kombat? “There’s gonna be blood in the cage, but it won’t be my blood brother!” Hogan starts panting heavily and sweating profusely, but lord knows he ain’t done. Hogan starts pimping out some restaurant that he and Savage have started in the Tampa area, then turns back to the Giant, and drives off the set on a fake motorcycle.
Equal time is granted to RANDY SAVAGE. Savage is in a paranoid state, worried Hogan’s been around to steal his thunder again. Gene tries to bring attention back to Flair at Superbrawl, but Savage is completely off his rocker, going on about positive and negative momentum, to the point Gene just sends it to black while Savage is still rambling away. Credits are up – and we’re out! See you for Nitro.
Hogan and Savage on top of WCW makes the phrase "the inmates are running the asylum" quite apropos.
Did I see what I thought I saw? Johnny B. Badd retains his Television Title against Meng by pinning Diamond Dallas Page? Well, I suppose Page had to do something; he could probably beat Badd for the belt, but he'd have a snowball's chance of beating Meng.
"I'm sorry, I'm not much of a hugger." "Not yet you're not." --Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan, SmackDown 1/18/13
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