TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES are here to bring us up to speed, that’s assuming you can understand Dusty at all tonight. I swear to god, here’s the opening segment: “Natseeat – roll down the street – niddasweenit. Goddableedit.” Did he have major dental surgery within the last hour? Is he embodying Suel?
STATE PATROL vs. AMERICAN MALES
The most fascinating thing I’ve found with these old shows so far is perception. For years, I have remembered Buff Bagwell as an utterly useless lump, who was more interested in bulking up to unreasonable levels as opposed to focusing on his in-ring work. However, his earlier work as Marcus Bagwell wasn’t half bad, and I guess I had long forgotten all about that, because of the years we put up with the insufferable narcissist he became once he started worrying about cycling his Winstrol. That’s not to say he was Ric Flair in the ring, but he had some basic wrestling ability, that coupled with right personality could have vaulted him to superstardom, which a lot of us were predicting in 1998. He puts on his usual display here, against the wrestling cops, who bump around like pinballs. Eventually they put on the comeback, with some double team beat downs that gets Dusty started on a 60 second rant about CLUBBERIN! Apparently, that’s as fine a clubberin’ as you’ll ever see. And then they start again, and this one is a WINDMILL CLUBBERIN’! State Patrol hits a sweet double team vertical suplex finished by a top rope spear, but Bagwell breaks it up at 2. Riggs gets the hot tag, Bagwell buffs up, and a double dropkick finishes James Earl Wright at 5:52. **
FIT FINLAY (with moustache) vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG
Allegedly Armstrong is “big time competition”; but by whose standard? Tennessee Championship Wrestling? STEVEN REGAL cuts in with a promo on the split screen, stating they’ve fought all over the world because Finlay’s people dig the roads he drives his Bentley on, and clean up his spit. Who am I to doubt a man who forces an entire race to clean his spit? Finlay really needs a stable for backup here; I recommend “Firecrotchers Unite”. Of course, Vince Russo would have brought them back in the New Blood Era, calling them “FU”, so maybe I best stop giving anyone ideas in case they happen to own a DeLorean. Dusty feels Brad’s in the best shape of his life here, looking primed and focus. Seconds later, Finlay is dropping a knee on the back of Armstrong’s head. Armstrong hits a crossbody block, and belly to back suplex to try and make us believe he has a chance in hell. However, reality sets in, and a Shining Wizard sets up the run in from EARL ROBERT EATON and DAVE TAYLOR for the DQ at 5:34. **1/2 STEVEN REGAL shows up in a suit, and is run off just as fast as Finlay single handedly destroys the entire Blue Bloods stable. Wait – who are we rooting for in this feud?
MEN AT WORK vs. THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS
Men at Work refuse to enter the arena, because they’re too busy having a coffee break. And this is why Vince McMahon won’t allow his wrestlers to form a union. Take up your gripes with Chris Kanyon, Roddy Piper. Exciting Armstrong news this week; the banana yellow singlet being worn by Steve Armstrong really accentuates his ridiculous nipples. Scott requires something a little more complimentary than Royal Blue to really bring out his mullet; personally, I recommend the pink scrunchie. Apparently Alex Wright will be wrestling Loch Ness this week, and Dusty recommends he “tighten up his tights real tight”. Personally, from an unbiased viewer, I would heartily recommend the exact opposite thank you very much. Kanyon hits a nice looking neckbreaker, followed by Mark Starr nailing a perfect shoulderbreaker. Kanyon mounts Steve from behind, and applies the move made famous by the Iron Shiek – the rear skull dry hump. Steve gets the hot tag, hits a superkick on Starr, but Kanyon breaks up the pin. Seconds later, a double team bulldog looks like the finish, but Steve comes flying in off the top with something terrible, and takes a belly to back with a bridge for the win at 5:23. A theme tonight, every match warrants about the same rating. **
A clip is aired of Hogan beating the stuffing out of Vader. These little vignettes slay me.
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is alone with LOCH NESS and JIMMY HART. Hart says Taskmaster brought a big surprise back from Europe. Gene: “And what was it, art from the Louvre?” Nearly 700 pounds seems to be the new tag-line. Loch Ness cuts a terrible promo with a fantastic gruff French accent. This is straight up 1980’s Hogan formula; big fat unstoppable heel eventually will be beaten by the power of Hulkmania. Sadly, cancer turned out to be the big winner in this feud; even Hulk Hogan couldn’t prevent that.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. MIKE WENNER
A REPO MAN (but not THE Repo Man) confronts DDP to get back his robe, because his American Express Card has never been paid, and is thusly cancelled. Failure to return the coat will lead him to jail. Page kicks the coat at the Repo Man, and is then told to return to vest too. This is hardly a professional return service, nor the place! Page does as asked, and angrily stomps to the ring. Poor Mike Wenner; just one vowel short of being a winner. Wenner and his insanely long mullet try valiantly, but he is no match for a Diamond Cutter which seals the win at 2:28. Honestly, if you’d tried to convince me at this stage that DDP was 3 years away from being World Champion, I would have taken any bet against it and laughed all the way to the bank. DUD
THE BLUE BLOODS (with “Lord” Steven Regal and Jeeves) vs. STING and LEX LUGER (for the WCW World Tag-Team Titles)
The Squire is beaten early with the mat game against Sting, and we’re all hoping he retaliates with at least 15 European Uppercuts. Instead, Taylor goes to a boring toe hold, squatting and making faces like he’s trying to pass a particularly difficult movement, the size of a mature watermelon. Then ... TWO European Uppercuts! Yes! Eaton tags in, and gets beat up by both champions before Flair flopping. When Dave Taylor is the power broker of your team, it might be time to hang it up. Luger flattens Taylor with a clothesline, and he comes back with, yes, the European Uppercut! WHAM right in the kisser! With Luger outside, Regal attacks, but apparently it doesn’t do much because once Luger returns to the ring, Eaton gets smoked with an axehandle. Sting gets the lukewarm tag, and a melee erupts. Eaton goes for a pin on Sting while Regal holds the leg, and we APPEAR to get 3 – but Sting allegedly kicks out at 2.94. More chaos with all 4 guys in the ring, so Luger dumps Taylor, and Sting gets the submission with the Scorpion Deathlock on Eaton at 5:59. Regal appears to have a legitimate heart attack after the match. **1/2
From inside a jail cell, an eyepatch wearing HULK HOGAN and RANDY SAVAGE are spending a little time together. Hogan feels locking him up and throwing away the key was the best idea WCW ever had; and I do NOT disagree. Savage is still a little hot from having lost the WCW Title, and swears revenge on Flair, Anderson, Elizabeth, and Woman. Hogan promises an eye for an eye – because he’s blind ha ha.
“JUMPIN” JOEY MAGGS (with Teddy Long) vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Tony worries about the Horsemen in the back, who are looming like a pack of dogs. I wouldn’t though; knowing Benoit, he probably locked them in the shed. Maggs hits an enzuigiri, but seconds later a dragon suplex makes short work of Maggs at 1:55. 1/2*
THE PUBLIC ENEMY vs. LARRY SANTO and BUCK QUARTERMAINE
Quartermaine is YOUR pinball in action, getting tossed around by TPE. Outside, Rock runs him face first into a ring post that seems to knock him out cold. Back in, Grunge with a vertical suplex, and that gets 2. Dusty starts reciting Helter Skelter, and that seems to rejuvenate old Buck who dropkicks Grunge in the mush and gets the tag to Larry. Santo’s a house of fire, but winds up double clotheslined by TPE. Rock holds him in place for Grunge to drop an elbow off the top for the win at 3:59. 1/2*
Back in the prison, HULK HOGAN and RANDY SAVAGE are still sharing tender, cocaine fuelled moments. Hogan feels it’s the time to break out now that they’ve served their down time. But before that, they plot to kill Ric Flair and steal the World Title back. Well, that would seem like a poor way to stay out of jail!
KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. TODD MORTON
Poor Todd Morton is out there giving the fans more energy than, say, Brutus Beefcake at the biggest pay-per-view of the year in the main event, and Kevin Sullivan sneaks in from behind and plants him with an electric chair! On the floor, Sullivan throws him PILLAR TO POST, and pulls him back inside. Tree of woe sets up a running kneelift, and the double stomp ends a match that never really started ... call it 1:30. There is literally nothing intimidating about Kevin Sullivan at this stage; besides Kevin Sullivan, who thought it was a good idea to keep pushing him as a top star in 1996? DUD
Meanwhile, in another lifetime, Ric Flair beat up Vader, and here’s clips to prove it! WWFU?
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND hypes a major star leaving WCW, and questions if he walked or if he was fired. Call the hotline! (Save your dollars, he’s yabbering on about Pillman)
ALEX WRIGHT vs. DUSTY WOLFE
This is apparently a tune up for Monday’s Nitro against Loch Ness, but I fail to see how a 235 pound jobber is the same as a 700 pound threat to Hulkamania as we know it. At least book him against the Super Giant Ninja, which would accomplish the size issue, AND give us an appearance by the Super Giant Ninja. Alex Wright shows off a great many moves, many of which are the dropkick. The remainder are European Uppercuts, but he is no Dave Taylor. For example, he has never once, before today, dressed as a Bee Keeper. A German suplex with bridge ends this at 2:29. 1/2*
We’re talking Nitro with RIC FLAIR, ARN ANDERSON, WOMAN, and ELIZABETH. “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is on the scene, and has he got a scoop for you. Arn flashes the four fingers, and tells us that he’s already beaten Hogan once when nobody said he could, and will do it again. Ric is beside himself, as the Horsemen are once again dominating the wrestling scene. The ladies flirt with Gene, and he starts sweating and loosening his tie. Let it all loose Geno! Flair promises that on Monday, Liz will be chanting “WOOO – I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!” Gene suggests that Liz has already taken one man to the cleaners, and he might be next. Please, Ric Flair’s too smart to wind up divorced and penniless.
THE NASTY BOYS vs. RIC FLAIR and ARN ANDERSON (with Woman and Miss Elizabeth)
Flair and Knobbs start, with Flair instantly getting whipped to the buckle, doing a flip, and getting beaten in the corner by both guys. Flair starts stumbling like he’s going to flop, but Knobbs can’t read a cue any more than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live, and attacks before it happens. Saggs drops Flair face first on the mat, but when on their feet, Flair pokes the eyes. Saggs clotheslines him to the floor, where Flair hides behind Liz allowing Arn to attack. Back in, Saggs hits a faceplant and threatens Pitty City. Arn is sent for a visit, and is blinded by the vinegar pits of Knobbs. Arn comes back with an uppercut, and Flair gets the tag. Knobbs gets chopped to the mat, but when Flair goes up, Knobbs catches him and hits the slam. Flair to his feet ... and the flop! Arn is tagged in, but so is Saggs. Arn is knocked out with a running avalanche, and Flair’s chops are no-sold. Flair is set up with a pumphandle slam, and Knobbs hits a big splash. The ladies distract the referee, allowing Woman to smack Knobbs in the eye with the spike. DDT from Anderson gives Flair the pin at 5:08. We are IMMEDIATELY out of time – see you next time! **
Originally posted by cfgb From inside a jail cell, an eyepatch wearing HULK HOGAN and RANDY SAVAGE are spending a little time together. Hogan feels locking him up and throwing away the key was the best idea WCW ever had; and I do NOT disagree. Savage is still a little hot from having lost the WCW Title, and swears revenge on Flair, Anderson, Elizabeth, and Woman. Hogan promises an eye for an eye – because he’s blind ha ha.
I am interested in this concept of wrestling companies having their own "jails" in the arena's premises. 2013 Hogan could try using such a jail to eliminate the Aces and Eights problem.
I'm going to feel very markish asking this but...Everything in the Apter mags was made up? Once I got smart/finally admitted to myself that wrestling was *gasp* not real, I figured out the articles were fake. Were the interviews made-up too?