I have a full edition of WCW Saturday Night this week, and it’s going to be one of the most trying recaps I’ve done since I started this project nearly 2 years ago. The video quality of this show appears to have been recorded over a VHS tape that had been used to record daily episodes of Another World for mom, before eventually being deemed as unwatchable, and THEN passed down to little Jimmy (shout out Ron-Truth!) to record his wrestling programs. Only after it was gnawed on by a pitbull. This is worse than any episode of WCW Prime.
Making matters even better, we are joined in progress featuring a match between …
ROUGH & READY vs. THE RENEGADE and MIKE WINNER
Winner is sporting a killer pornstache. Has Winner been given clearance from the workers Union to work with outside interests? And how do Chris Kanyon and Mark Starr feel about this? NICK PATRICK is refereeing this one – perhaps HE’S the evil influence that caused Mike Winner to scab. Or perhaps this is all a red herring to distract us from the fact that the Renegade sure seemed chummy with Joe Gomez, Jim Powers, and Alex Wright a few weeks back on Nitro, posing for gay calendar ads. Thankfully, Dusty Rhodes decides that this match isn’t really worth our time by pointing out there is nothing at stake in this match, and the outcome isn’t in question (he’s team Rough and Ready). So he does as WCW is wont to do, and talks about the nWo. A double spike piledriver finishes Winner at 4:23 of what aired. Dusty sums up the match: “The bottom line on this, is that Nick Patrick is on the take.”
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wastes his time to talk to these losers. Enos vows revenge on Colonel Parker, and “uhhhhh … DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!?” Yes, he successfully forgot Sista Sherri’s name. Gene quickly ends this disaster.
Meanwhile, TONY SCHIAVONE decides to get the hard answers from NICK PATRICK concerning his recent actions where the nWo are concerned. Patrick says he’s been a WCW employee for 8 years, and wonders why his integrity is suddenly being questioned now? Tony says he thinks Hogan gave up at the Clash, and Patrick admits that’s the real controversy. Patrick is sick to death of Gene Okerlund’s accusations, and thinks that WCW needs to keep a close eye on HIM since he’s an outsider himself. All valid points.
“HARDWORK” BOBBY WALKER vs. “LORD” STEVEN REGAL (with Jeeves)
Walker is now using “Not Eye of the Tiger”. He remains directionless as Sting has not embraced the STANG gimmick just yet. Walker dances around with his fast feet, and Regal hilariously tries to keep up before just walking away in disgust. They lock up, which only serves to get Walker lectured from the superior Brit. Fans chant USA, in a nice twist, it’s a completely appropriate time. Regal applies the headscissors to Walker, but he uses his athleticism to stand on his head and kip up straight from the mat. Regal responds by not giving a shit, and threatens to beat up the fans with his massive fists instead of paying any kind of attention to this match. He’d do well as an announcer. Thumb to the eye sets up a European uppercut. Walker dodges a charge, and hits a slingshot headscissors takeover which causes this well-worn VHS tape to lose all audio and most of the picture. Through the fog, I make out a missed corner senton from Walker, and Regal scoring the pin off that at 3:38. The post-match interview is completely muted thanks to father time and his miserable EP dub. *
“SQUIRE” DAVID TAYLOR (with Jeeves) vs. LEX LUGER (for the WCW world television title)
This is Luger’s first TV title defense in forever. He fought Riggs on the July 29th edition of Prime, and I couldn’t tell you whether or not that match was for the belt. The last certain documented match I have is from the July 15th Nitro, and I would be willing to bet we can count his title defenses on one hand since he took the belt from the MIA Johnny B Badd back in the early spring. Dave Taylor would be an excellent place to start anew. The volume of European uppercuts on a per-show basis would rise at a previously uncharted rate. I’m giddy just thinking about this. And lo and behold, my man Taylor takes the lead with a European uppercut, but then he succumbs to his biggest weakness … the lack of a follow up move. Luger rallies with a clothesline, but Taylor kicks him in the face and heads up. OMG! HERE IT COMES! SWANDIVE … NO – Luger moves, and Racks Taylor at 2:46. To hell with you, Lex Luger. DUD
THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NEW WORLD ORDER:
New promo! Hogan’s wearing an old school Hogan ballcap, which he symbolically rips off to show off his new Hollywood do-rag. He’s found a Hogan foam finger, and spray-paints over the WCW belt on that. Hogan promises not just 4 guys at Wargames, but 5. And to close, he rips off the Right Guard commercial, by holding up the spray paint and stating “anything less would be uncivilized”.
Oh hi – our announcers are TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES. You’ll be pleased to know they are alive and well. Dusty talks about the time he had his leg broken inside War Games, and he had to be air lifted out of the arena. Don’t be shocked, Dusty’s favorite topic is Dusty.
BULL NAKANO (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MADUSA
I don’t know why they decided to book the entire women’s division to compete in this one match, but let’s see if they are able to make it work. Sonny trips up Madusa, and Nakano beats her down with the nunchucks while the referee feeds it to Sonny. Nakano throws Madusa around by the hair for awhile, before hitting the Leaning Tower for 2. Nakano bites Madusa’s head, and gives her a vertical suplex for 2. Nakano manages to somehow apply a standing bow and arrow while keeping a Sharpshooter locked, but Madusa won’t tap because apparently her joints are made of the iPhone6, and can’t be broken. Outside the ring, Nakano whips Madusa into the ringsteps, and heads back in to finish. Madusa tries a sunset flip, but Nakano just Banzai’s her for 2. Nakano heads up, but Madusa whips her off the top with a standing headscissors. Thankfully, Nakano is finally able to finish with a powerbomb and gets the pin with her feet on the ropes at 4:07. **
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND welcomes in the Japanese contingency. Gene asks for Sonny’s thoughts on the nWo. Sonny: “Nippon Wrestling Organization?” Gene asks about his deep pockets, Sonny figures he might buy California next. He wants all the belts, but says he’ll start with the Women’s Title (women’s title?!?). Nakano says something, which Sonny translates is that Bull understands she submits to Japanese men and should be at home cooking. Gene: “Have you ever sampled her, uhh, home cooking?” Fantastic segue, Gene-o.
THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MR. JL
I had no idea JL was still kicking around at this point. He nails Dragon with a rana and kicks him to the floor. Back in, JL goes to finish with a Vertabreaker (whoa!!!), but Dragon slips aside … and it’s noticed at this point that NICK PATRICK is the referee as Sonny trips up JL right in front of him. Dragon goes up to finish but he gets a foot to the throat on his way down. Dragon retaliates with a spinning heel kick sending JL to the floor, and a swinging baseball slide sets up a plancha. Back in, a super rana gets 2! JL hits a German suplex with a bridge, but that only gets 2. He misses a dive, and Dragon ties him up with La Majistral. Dragon suplex finishes at 4:33. ** You know, if DDP wasn’t such an obvious candidate, I’d be fully on board with the Ultimate Dragon as the nWo’s 4th man theory.
Meanwhile, back inside the Dungeon of Doom, JIMMY HART is being introduced to HUGH MORRUS by KEVIN SULLIVAN. I’m sorry, we’re supposed to believe he doesn’t know the man he’s been managing for a year? Then, Sullivan lines up the FACES OF FEAR, and declares this the most dominant group in the history of all things. Gotta admire his ambition.
HIGH VOLTAGE, JIM POWERS, and JOE GOMEZ vs. THE DUNGEON OF DOOM (with Jimmy Hart)
Sullivan, Fear, and Bubba are your Dungeon members tonight. NICK PATRICK is your referee here. RON THE LEPRECHAUN runs around ringside, bites Jimmy Hart in the ass, and rushes to the back. I think Braun and I are just about finished. The announcers talk up his match from WCW Main Event last week. Meanwhile, Barbarian is moving around the ring with the speed of a luchadore, and pretty much taking care of business all by himself. Kaos takes a pretty nasty powerbomb from Barbarian, and Bubba finishes with the Bossman slam at 3:21. * Barbarian had been a quiet star for the last couple of months now.
KONNAN vs. MARK STARR
Folks, it’s a historic day in WCW history. After months of operating alone, Konnan has embraced the double N! I remain exceptionally frustrated by Men Not At Work, who apparently do NOT understand that team work triumphs over personal gain. Of course, their combined 0-192 record this year as singles wrestlers back me up, and there WAS that time Men At Work got a win and I was happy, and then Konnan does some ridiculous(ly stupid) headscissors thing for the pin at 1:33. DUD
DEAN MALENKO vs. RIC FLAIR (with Woman and Elizabeth, and NOT Debra McMichael even though Dave Penzer announces her) (for the WCW United States title)
Now THIS is a fighting champion! He’s defended his title more frequently in the 6 weeks he’s held this belt than Luger has in 6 months, take note Flexy Lex. Deano starts with a series of takedowns that have Flair running around lost – but Ric eventually finds his bearings and styles as only he can. Malenko dropkicks Flair, which sends him to the floor to kill a little time. They trade hammerlocks which Ric loses, and he finds himself locked in a headlock with nowhere to go. Malenko breaks and backdrops Flair, who begs for mercy … and pokes Dean in the eye! That starts a series of deliberate knife edges, but Malenko punches out and Flair flops. A dropkick misses when Flair hooks the ropes, and Flair goes for the figure four, but Malenko hooks the leg and packages Flair for 2. Dean slaps on an abdominal stretch, and turns that into a backslide for 2. Flair tosses Malenko to the floor, and goes for a piledriver on the cement(!), but Dean is able to backdrop him – thankfully sparing his neck. Back in, Flair goes up … ooh Ric, you fool. The inevitable happens, and then Malenko goes for a springboard dropkick but he misses by a half inch and lands on his knee. Still, he shakes it off and nails a missile dropkick off the top. A backdrop sets up the Cloverleaf, but Woman is quick to claw his eyes while the referee is checking on Ric – and Naitch kicks him to the floor. CHRIS BENOIT rushes down while Woman keeps the referees eyes elsewhere, and he snap suplexes Malenko on the floor. Malenko is rolled in, and Flair puts his feet on the ropes cuz that’s how he rolls, and the champ retains at 7:30. *** That was fun.
And apparently that’s it, cuz after a replay, Tony sends us off the air. Well that’s rude and abrupt! I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Gene!
God, I would so use that as a sign at the next Smackdown taping I go to. Of course, they would have to decide to finally have a RAW in Seattle instead. Maybe I'll just go there and hold up a Tommy Dreamer = Ratings! sign.