What a quiet week. Between the 1 hour Saturday Night and the pre-emption’s of all other WCW programming, I was left without much to do. I actually started to miss WCW. Though not Kevin Sullivan. It could take 1000 weeks of pre-emption’s and I won’t even have a bubbled though of “geez, I wonder what old Kevin Sullivan is up to”.
DUSTY RHODES and TONY SCHIAVONE welcome us back to WCW programming. Later this hour, we’ll get up close and personal with Randy Savage. Also, the Booty Man is out of commission and won’t be able to wrestle for awhile. AND THANK THE LORD!
THE AMERICAN MALES vs. RIC FLAIR (with Elizabeth and Woman) and THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart)
Flair and Bagwell start, which has Ric strutting around like he’s Ric Flair or something. Bagwell knocks him to his ass, and Flair isn’t happy. Backdrop sends to champ reeling, and Bagwell clotheslines him to the floor. Flair throws a tantrum, but is quickly back in. Bagwell WOOO’s in his face, Flair bitchslaps him, and Bagwell comes back with a bitchslap twice as hard. Oh snap. Another backdrop, and Bagwell goes for a dropkick but Flair holds the ropes and it misses. Figure four is tried, but Bagwell packages him for 2! Flair goes to the eyes, and Bagwell blindly wanders into a clothesline from Giant. Backbreaker leaves Bagwell open prey, but as soon as Flair is back in, Bagwell’s a house of fire with the punches. Another dropkick is tried, but again Flair hooks the ropes. He moves in, but Bagwell just goes back to the well and dropkicks Flair for real this time. Riggs comes in, and now HE misses a dropkick, but the vertical suplex doesn’t. Giant interferes and Chokeslams Riggs to death, and Flair gets the pin at 5:36. Bagwell gets a Chokeslam of his own after the match. Just the usual from all these players, and I’m growing bored of all of them. *1/2
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND meets up with the winning cavalry in the back. Flair feels it’s by the grace of god he gets to stand next to the real life fire breathing Giant. And these two guys are gonna face Sting and Luger for the tag-team titles on Nitro. Hart promises a big surprise.
Here is your Cruiserweight Title Tournament update: Eddie Guerrero will face Mr. JL in the second round. Dean Malenko already lost a match, but it’s double elimination and he’ll face Brad Armstrong. All coming up! I appreciate the total lack of brackets.
MR. JL vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (in the WCW Cruiserweight Title tournament)
Eddie gets a heroes welcome from this crowd, which is nice to see. Tony is very excited for this double elimination tournament, stating he’s never seen one before. What’s absolutely incredible about this farce is that Ohtani had actually defeated Chris “The Pegasus Kid” Benoit to claim the belt about 3 weeks ago; and yet we’re STILL pretending like this tournament is going somewhere relevant. JL hits a second rope headbutt, that Tony has the GALL to compare to the Barbarian’s. Dusty corrects him quickly that Barbarian is like a top rope missile, that was nothing like it. Eddie hits a brainbuster that sets up a slingshot senton for 2. Eddie goes to the chinlock, but JL escapes and hits a side slam. JL goes up, and hits a top rope rana for 2. Eddie backslides JL for 2. Eddie is selling now like they’re 25 minutes into a war, and I don’t like it. JL powerbombs him for 2. Eddie is placed up top, but he fights JL and winds up hitting a tornado DDT for the pin at 4:52. Blech. *
RANDY SAVAGE gives us a sit down interview. He congratulates Flair for having officially driven him crazy (unofficially crazy since 1978!). He’s still pissed about the attack on his dad Angelo last year, but now adding his ex-wife has gone too far. He promises Liz’s luck is about to turn bad.
EVAD SULLIVAN vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Arn Anderson)
Benoit’s just back from Japan, and it’s good to have him back. Dave hits some of the saddest clotheslines I’ve ever seen, and Benoit sells them brilliantly. Chris comes back with a kick to the face, and the swandive finishes at 1:14. And we can all hope that’s the last of Dave Sullivan we ever see. DUD
LEE MARSHALL grabs a word with Benoit and Arn. Arn welcomes him back, telling him his spot in the Horsemen is still safe. He tells him they have a mission with Kevin Sullivan this coming week, and that pisses Benoit off, asking Arn what the hell he’s talking about, is he a Horseman or is he Dungeon of Doom? KEVIN SULLIVAN sticks his snout in the picture with JIMMY HART. Benoit gets all up in his grill, and Sullivan reminds him that the last Horseman that crossed his path is gone. Benoit: “If you touch THIS Horseman, it’ll be the LAST thing you do.” Kevin, word of advice, play REALLY nice with Benoit, I hear he doesn’t make idle threats.
“LORD” STEVEN REGAL (with Jeeves) vs. FIT FINLAY (in a Special Grudge Match)
Regal tosses Finlay to the floor immediately, and throws Finlay into the guardrail with some serious force. Finlay hits a European uppercut, but Regal no sells and palm thrusts him in the nose. Finlay hits a high knee, but again Regal no sells, and Finlay begs off. Finlay now claws at the face, and Regal can’t ignore THAT. Vicious elbow to the face gets 2. Regal kicks him in the face, but Finlay puts on a stepover toe hold. Regal palm thrusts to try and break, but Finlay will not give up. Finlay clotheslines him hard, but misses the follow up elbow and now Regal applies a hold where he grinds his elbow in Finlay’s face the entire time. Finlay pokes the eye, and throws a senton that looks like it’s carrying all his weight for god sakes, and again it’s only 2. These two are NUTS! Finlay tries a cross armbreaker, but Regal palm thrusts him til he lets go. Those palm shots are no joke. Regal’s butterfly suplex gets 2. Forearm shots leave Finlay dazed. Finlay to the top, and Regal dumps him to the floor. Regal’s behind him, but now Finlay’s so pissed that he just hotshots Regal throat first across the guardrail, and this calls in THE BLUE BLOODS for the DQ at 5:09. Finlay punches everyone HARD in the face, and heads to the back the happy victor. Insanity. ***
Earlier today, a Completely Random Drawing took place for the Slamboree Battlebowl, where Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan were partnered against the Public Enemy. COMPLETELY RANDOM~!
COLONEL ROBERT PARKER (with “Dirty” Dick Slater) vs. MADUSA
Cameraman takes a long hard look at Madusa’s ass while she poses on the buckle. Tony reminds us that Madusa dumped the WWF Ladies belt in the garbage back in December, because she wanted to play with the big girls. Nice of him to sell this while she faces a male manager with no wrestling experience. She dumps him over the top rope at 1:05 for the Over The Top Rope DQ, meaning the Colonel wins again. Oh. DUD
The usual WCW Propaganda sees Sting beat the piss out of Cactus Jack. I think they’ve played this one before.
Good lord, it’s HULK HOGAN, along with “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Hogan felt when he arrived in WCW, he could save the world, be everyone’s friend, and be in everyone’s corner. Was he saving babies from burning buildings at the same time? Hogan promises that he doesn’t need any more tag-team partners, he wants his World Title back, so he’ll start with Arn and Kevin Sullivan on Monday, and then it’s the gold.
DEAN MALENKO vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG (in the WCW Cruiserweight Tournament)
I’m not even sure how Armstrong is still qualifying as a Cruiserweight at this point, he’s looking at bare minimum 230-240. Armstrong takes Malenko to the mat, and works a half nelson. Malenko elbows loose, and dropkicks Brad for 2. Deano drops a knee, and holds him with an Oklahoma roll type hold, but can’t get the pin. Abdominal stretch sees Malenko cheat like nuts with the rope, but he doesn’t get caught. Armstrong is dumped to the outside. Back in, Malenko hits a top rope crossbody, but Brad rolls through for 2. Russian legsweep, that’s his move ... but it only gets 2! The announcers are shocked. Malenko gets a bridge moments later and bridges over, the announcers counts 3 ... but it was Malenko’s shoulders down at 5:40. Malenko is out of the tournament in just 2 matches. **
Elsewhere, because we haven’t heard ENOUGH from them, KEVIN SULLIVAN, ARN ANDERSON, and JIMMY HART meet with “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Arn wants to make sure that the fiasco from earlier is resolved. Sullivan says he has no problems with Arn, just Benoit. Sullivan reminds Hogan that Anderson has beaten him twice already, and that when they beat him this coming week, they’ll have Kimberly.
STING vs. CHRIS KANYON (with Mike Winner)
Sting makes it a point to pay some attention to a handicapped child in the crowd he’s friends with, so Kanyon attacks him from behind while he has the chance much to my delight. Sting immediately applies the Deathlock, but Kanyon’s too close to the ropes and breaks. Mike Winner tries to get involved, but we have miscommunication from the heels, and a Deathlock finishes at 1:18. Dusty questions where Sting’s partner is to help him, but Sting seems fine and I don’t see the problem. DUD
LEE MARSHALL asks the Stinger about his upcoming title defense on Nitro against The Giant and Flair. Sting says he knows how to play dirty if he has to (sure Sting), and can’t wait.
THE STEINER BROTHERS and THE NASTY BOYS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY and THE ROAD WARRIORS
Alright, time to see if Scott Steiner can carry 7 other guys at once. Dusty calls this a Super Clubberin’. Scott starts with Rock, and the fans are solidly rooting for LOD here. Rocco hits a crossbody, but Scott comes back with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Military press slam has Rocco scurrying to safety, where he tags in Animal. The Nastys double team him, but Animal fights Knobbs off with a missile shoulderblock. Hawk clotheslines Knobbs, but Rick gets a blind tag and spike piledrives him. Tony declares that the wrong move, as Hawk pops right back to his feet. It doesn’t matter how many times they use that spot, I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. Hawk misses a charge and runs shoulder first into the ring post. Nastys and Public Enemy wind up brawling in the ring, with the Nastys getting the better end of the brawl. Scott pairs off with Rock again, and Tbones him into next week. Rick Steiner winds up getting slammed, and hit with a second rope headbutt. Rocco goes back to the well again, but Rick catches him and throws him across the ring with a super belly to belly for 2. Scott comes in, but Rock catches him with a fisherman’s buster for 2. Scotty comes back with a doctor bomb, and tags in Knobbs. A clothesline turns Rock inside, out, but as Knobbs bounces off the ropes again, this time Grunge pulls down the ropes and Knobbs hits the floor. Grunge rips off his shirt and reveals his fake Nasty Boys gear, and rolls himself in while Animal distracts the referee. Rocco pins his own partner, but Saggs breaks it up. Saggs piledrives Grunge, and now Knobbs is awake and coming off the top with ... nope, Rocco trips him up. Both teams brawl on the floor all the way to the back, and we have a countout at 7:46. Now the Steiners and Warriors start brawling around the building, but we don’t see much before the cameras spare us. **
To end the show, RANDY SAVAGE is interviewed by “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Savage is immediately muted when he threatens to kick Flair’s ass. He says he knocked out 10 people last week when he was physically restrained, and this week he’ll knock out 20. With that, he takes off – and Gene doesn’t know what the heck to do, so he recaps what’s to come this Monday, and wraps things up.
We’re almost in a better place folks. It’s just a matter of keeping hope alive. See you Monday.
On a less serious note... When did Smackdown turn into OZ?! Seriously, I'm sitting there watching the pre-match skit between Billy and Chuck and Maven and Al Snow, and I'm wondering when Adebisi'll come out and shank EVERYBODY.