We’re down to the final push towards Slamboree! The dreaded Lethal Lottery is upon us; but if we can get through that (and I don’t see why NOT) – then it’s all gravy baby!
ERIC BISCHOFF, BOBBY HEENAN, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and PEPE can’t help but wonder if the third title shot for Luger is the charm? Bischoff confirms that Luger camped out overnight. Here are some shots of Luger sleeping outside the arena with a flashlight, fly swatter, and FRUIT! Was he eating fruit and being cool? It might take some time, but by god, we’ll find out!
THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY
Macho’s been barred from the building, but is reportedly “wearing out the pavement” outside from all his pacing. Have we considered a WCW mental wellness team? Rick clears the ring with a double clothesline. Grunge tries to get him a piece, but winds up getting suplexed and nearly pinned. Scott tags in, tosses Grunge with a belly to belly that looked way too easy for a man of Grunge’s girth, and gets 2. Rocco hits Rick with a running kneelift to take control for the first time, and goes to finish with the Swanton. He’s cut off and almost killed with a vertical suplex off the top. Scott tags in and flattens Rock. They head up, but Grunge catches him with an Electric Chair, and Rocco comes off with a swandive. An assisted springboard senton gets 2 from Rock, and now they don’t know what to do. Rock heads up for the Swanton – but misses the move, and Scott gets the hot tag! Rick kills anything that moves with clotheslines and suplexes. Before long, both teams wind up outside, and Rick is held hostage for a slingshot senton. However – Rick escapes, Rock hits his partner, and back in Scott finishes with the Frankensteiner at 6:57! ***
DAVE TAYLOR (with Jeeves) vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Bischoff calls Benoit “triple tough”, and “he’s crisp, he’s clean”. Is he a bathroom cleaning product, or a can of soda? Benoit flattens Taylor with an enzuigiri, but Taylor goes deep into his tickle trunk of tricks, and pulls out TWO European Uppercuts! More, I want more! Taylor telegraphs a leapfrog, so Benoit flattens him with a forearm smash. Catapult sends the Brit into the buckle, but the follow up charge misses, and Taylor sends Benoit to the floor with, yes, a European Uppercut! Taylor poses as only a distinguished gentleman can. Benoit heads up, but Taylor drops him with the electric chair. Overhead fallaway slam gets 2. Mongo leaves the announce booth to go find Savage for some reason, while Benoit ends this with a Dragon Suplex out of nowhere at 4:17. *1/2
Outside the arena, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND, DOUG DILLENGER, MANY RENT-A-COPS, MONGO MCMICHAEL, are here to check out RANDY SAVAGE. Mongo’s on the scene because he sympathizes with Savage – seeing as how Flair’s been hitting on his wife too. Gene: “Savage, you have LOST it!” Savage: “Lost what?” Gene: “YOUR MIND!!!” Gene reminds Savage he has to co-exist with Flair this weekend; and Savage is cool with that. “I don’t mind dragging a dead tag-team partner from match to match.” He’d do well in JCW.
BLOOD RUNS COLD! I am deeply concerned about the message behind this promo. Is it Diesel as redsoxnation has speculated? Is it a new member of the Dungeon of Doom from a very cold place? Could it even be … Vince McMahon?
VOODOO KIN WALLSTREET vs. RIC FLAIR (with Woman and dancin’ Liz)
The bell sounds like it’s sporting a lot of rust this week, something’s off. Perhaps someone left the bell out in the rain. I don’t think that I can take it, cuz it’s just so hard to fake it. I’ll never have that crisp bell sound again. Oh no. Wallstreet takes early control, so Flair bails and dances with Woman. Wallstreet’s on his game while Flair follies about, and it’s on display with the single leg takedown and various crabs (we’re talking about the match not the ladies) as we take a commercial break.
We return to much of the same, with Flair being whipped from buckle to buckle and crashing to the floor. Wallstreet follows and delivers a bunch of rights that cause Flair to flop face first on the cement. Back to the ring, Flair heads up and is slammed while Woman screams in horror. Better clear your dance card, Woman. Samoan drop gets 2. Sunset flip gets another 2. Wallstreet’s in full fledged control, but stupidly clotheslines Ric to the floor. He follows suit, tries a shining wizard but Flair moves and he goes right into the ringpost. Flair sees his chance, and applies the Figure Four with Woman’s help for the win at 7:23. **
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants a word with Naitch. Flair talks about the night he made Dolly Parton ride Space Mountain, and starts kissing every inch of Liz’s body. Edge and his live sex celebrations have nothing on this guy. Flair dry humps Woman, and Gene brings up Debra McMichael. Flair starts mocking Mongo, stating he’s Joe Namath, and shows off the ladies as his “wide receivers”. Mongo grumbles.
THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart) vs. LEX LUGER (for the WCW World Heavyweight title)
Luger is in fact here, and out of excuses. Luger goes face to face with Giant, and tries the shoulder tackles. They are about as effective as you can probably imagine. Giant misses a running clothesline, but Luger can’t slam him because he’s far too fat. Giant sends Luger packing. Back in, Luger throws his running clotheslines, but they have no effect. Giant picks up Luger and runs him back first from corner to corner. Giant chokes out Lex with the boot. Luger tries a forearm shot to the head, but nothing happens. Bischoff: “That same forearm that knocked out Yokozuna for over 10 minutes not that long ago has no effect on this man!” Meanwhile, RIC FLAIR, LIZ, and WOMAN are wining and dining at ringside. They fight to the apron, and Luger actually knocks him down with the steel plated forearm. Giant falls down, but pops back up and drags Luger to the floor. He clears Flair’s buffet table, and Flair flips OUT. Luger is chokeslammed THROUGH the table, and the bell is rung for a no contest at 4:07. Flair bails through the crowd, Hart tries to hold Giant off, and STING is now on scene to check on his best friend. *1/2
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND tries to get a word with the guys, but Bischoff tells him to get lost. EMTs and DOUG DILLENGER are working over Luger, who appears to need a stretcher. A very eerie silence falls over the broadcast, broken by Heenan: “I’ll talk if nobody else will!” Bischoff wonders if this is the motivation that Sting will need to beat Giant on Sunday; but I’d have to imagine this is only going to instil fear. Bischoff reminds us to buy the show (don’t listen to him) – and we’ll be back on Saturday Night.
Godammit! I've been working on a very similar ratings system for a column over the next coupla days. Freeway, hope you don't get too pissed off if/when I send it to Z. They're similar, but not identical.