No, I’m NOT referring to the handlebar moustache our stewardess was sporting on the way to Florida, which led to a NEVER ending run of “Misstache” jokes, but that Uncensored is but SIX days away. Quick, to the discussion board to distract me.
ekedolphin:*blink, blink* Are you telling me that The Shark and The Barbarian actually got a win (granted, a DQ win) over Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage?!
Before Men In Black was released, WCW had a slew of mind-altering tricks to get us to forget these events ever happened. Specifically, they aired it on WCW Saturday Night to a ratings share of 0.0, and by ringing the bell 2300 consecutive times, the fans in attendance were left with a headache and an irritable bowel. Hogan’s loss was completely flushed away.
dionysus:What is the Mothership?
Welcome to the Mothership ... T...B...S! Comedy that's funny; movies for men who like movies; and all the WCW you can forcefully swallow!
dionysus:The World and Television Champions are busy in the main event. I wonder if the United States division will get any love.
Ah, but you forget that Eddie Guerrero defeated Chris Benoit to earn a US Title shot at Uncensored. Eddie even gave us an impassioned speech about the title shot in which he totally choked, but he’d just faced Benoit so it’s a standard problem.
Big G:Thanks for doing these cfgb! I wasn't watching wrestling at all during this time so it's basically like first run discussion for me!
Anything for you, Big Money!
Nitro is on the air – but WAIT, THE GIANT is kicking at the world’s biggest fan-made beach ball known as LOCH NESS in the aisle. JIMMY HART is bouncing around like a pinball, and LEX LUGER’s music starts playing, and what the hell man? Luger kills me here by doing his complete entrance, and literally just walking past the two big men without even acknowledging them. Full on posing with both his belts, you’d swear the half ton of fun in the aisle didn’t exist. However, it turns out this is a carefully planned move, because...
LEX LUGER vs. LOCH NESS (for the WCW World Television Title)
Luger wins by countout at 0:10. Luger celebrates and heads straight to the announce booth, where...
Good evening everyone! ERIC BISCHOFF, BOBBY HEENAN, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and PEPE are all awaiting Lex. Luger brags about the fastest title defense in WCW history, and Heenan gives him a standing ovation. High fives are shared between Weasel and Luger.
TONY SCHIAVONE welcomes THE MEGAPOWERS to the show. Where the hell is Gene; did he overdose on burgers? Hogan goes on about Machomania, Hulkamania, Pastamania, but not Wrestlemania which is just WEEKS away – call your cable company for details! Hogan promises going forward HE is now the dirtiest player in the game. Pffft, Heenan’s been pointing that out for years. Hogan’s favorite part of the Doomsday Cage is that there’s no titles on the line, and actually, that’s MY favorite part too because it means there’s at least a 10% lesser chance that Hogan walks out World Champion, though I would not put it past him. Tony gives Hogan the thumbs up, and declares “oh yeah” with a wink. Is there something in the water tonight?!?
THE PUBLIC ENEMY vs. THE STEINER BROTHERS
TPE grabs a table on the way to the ring, but I’m betting if they even THINK about putting Scotty through one they’re going to wind up with a splintered table chunk shoved up their ass. Quite possibly in the locker room after the show. Rock hits Scott with an armdrag and Bischoff sells it as the greatest wrestling moment in history that the talentless hack with rocks in his head armdragged the talented guy with rocks in his head. Of course Scott promptly drops him with a suplex, and tags in Rick. Bischoff excitedly announces that Dennis Rodman has been suspended for 6 games for headbutting an opponent, so it was possibly on PURPOSE to appear at Uncensored. Eric Bischoff ladies and gentlemen!!! Meanwhile, Grunge faceplants Rick into a plastic chair on the floor, and rolls him in for Rock. A moonsault connects, but Rocco opts not to go for the pin, instead hitting a DDT and going for the senton. Rick cuts him off, and slams him to which Bischoff happily screams “A POTENTIAL BROKEN NECK!” Scott carries Rocco on his shoulders up to the top, and drops him with a super Samoan drop. Rocco comes back with a modified lionsault, and NO Eric, they are no more on the level of the Steiners than Loch Ness is on the level of The Undertaker. A brawl erupts, and Rick winds up left on a table outside, but when Rocco goes for the slingshot senton, Rick moves and he heads through it himself. Rick finishes Grunge with an assisted top rope bulldog off Scott’s shoulders at 7:02. **1/2
ARN ANDERSON (with Woman) vs. THE BOOTY MAN
Booty Man’s entire entrance involves him doing a strange thing with his hips, like a hoola hooper who is high on ecstacy on the dance floor of a rave, but his body won’t agree with the swivel, and his entire body instead is just flailing around incoherently. Also, he’s the color of a traffic cone. Booty does this mocking of Flair’s strut and all I can think watching this is that Arn’s drinking was completely justified. Brother Booty slams Arn’s head into the buckle 10 times, and we get a close up of Booty’s fishnet assless trunks. On the long list of things I don’t need in wrestling, the Booty Man is damn near the top. Arn tries to work over the arm, including a hammerlock slam, but Ed Leslie just pops up and decks Arn with it, because selling is for chumps. KIMBERLY bounces down to ringside, so Woman removes her shoe and makes a beeline right for her. Booty comes to Kim’s defense, and then, yes, the world ends when Booty hits a high knee and scores the pin at 5:44. I should deduct 5 stars for that finish alone. 1/2* and I feel dirty giving it even THAT.
THE ROAD WARRIORS vs. THE NASTY BOYS
We don’t even get an official bell to start this before everyone winds up spilled on to the floor. The Nastys are all taped up from injuries last week; and the Warriors are taking full advantage. How? I’d love to tell you, but we need to take a commercial break.
Upon return, Hawk is dishing out some pretty stiff clotheslines, which the Nastys are likely taking in like a child takes in Halloween Candy. Knobbs is sent crashing chest first into the guard rail, and Animal decides to unwrap the gauze. Saggs saves with the plastic chair, but Animal grabs it and starts smacking both guys in the head. Now when I say plastic, I mean the non-folding stiff as hell heavy duty auditorium chairs you sat in during assemblies in your younger days, where the only person you ever dreamed of smacking in the head was the principal himself, and quite possibly that jerk who always made fun of whatever you were eating for lunch, but you would never act on it because your parents might get called and that would be a fate worse than the death penalty. In short, Animal is a dangerous man, as he clearly does not fear his mother. THE STEINER BROTHERS attack in the middle of this brawl, and go after everyone in sight. Animal and Knobbs are left alone, where Knobbs is leveled with the spiked shoulders and pinned at 6:00. This was a pretty wild, chaotic brawl that flowed nicely. ***
RIC FLAIR (with Woman) and KEVIN SULLIVAN vs. THE MEGAPOWERS (in a Texas Tornado match)
Bischoff refers to Hogan as the most powerful force in the universe. I’d personally give my nod to the Super Nova, but for the sake of this exercise, let’s entertain the idea. The most powerful force in the universe is brought to his knees by a thumb to the eye. Sullivan’s role here is to get bounced around by Savage and Hogan, which actually isn’t all that different from Flair’s role, except that Flair has a big gold belt. Flair chokes Savage out with some TV cables, while Hogan, the new dirtiest player in the game, works over Sullivan with BACK RAKES. Hogan starts waving around the plastic chair, and bops both guys in the noggin. All 4 guys get back in, where Savage starts selling for Flair, and Hogan would have started selling the Forman Grill but he was picking up his kids and missed the call. Flair locks Savage in the figure four, while Hogan locks Sullivan in the hold. Sullivan gets the ropes, but the referee refuses to break because he’s on the take. Savage reverses the hold, so Flair gets loose and gets into a shoving match with Randy Anderson. Flair and Hogan square off, and you can take one guess who wins that battle. Meanwhile, Savage realizes how one sided this is and actually starts selling for freaking Sullivan on the floor, who is hitting him with a flurry of bad booking. Flair is sent to the floor, while Sullivan hits Savage with a big boot. Savage is dumped, so Flair whips him to the guardrail, and Sullivan chokes Hogan out. Everyone gets back in, where Woman hands the shoe to Flair, who jabs it right in Hogan’s eye. Hogan hulks out of the pin, which draws out ARN ANDERSON. Big boot sets up the legdrop, but Anderson trips Hogan up. Hogan chases Arn, and suddenly BRIAN PILLMAN hops the guardrail attacking Sullivan which draws the bell. Pillman brawls with Randy Savage, and actually has the balls to go toe to toe with Hogan. THE BOOTY MAN rushes out, and everyone bails except Pillman who defiantly stands at ringside. Now if the ridiculousness can’t get any worse, out walks goddamn ZEUS with his pecs shaking like crazy, with LUGWRENCH PERKINS in toe.
So we’re supposed to believe Pillman is shooting here, while suspending our disbelief enough to think two members of No Holds Barred decided to join The Alliance to End Hulkamania. You have the realism on one end trying to compete with the campy Dungeon of Doom and it’s just a mess. TONY SCHIAVONE joins the scene, and he may as well join the Alliance as well seeing as how he fits the criteria (fat and can’t wrestle). The alliance take turns talking smack, and yes, your uncensored main event is now Arn, Flair, Luger, Sullivan, Zeus, and Lugwrench Perkins against Hogan and Savage inside a quadruple cage. Oh, and Perkins is now called The Ultimate Solution, but instead of exterminating the Jewish, he wants to kill Hulk Hogan.
I forgot how good Luger was around this time. As far as being a performer and a character, I think he was at his best as the pseudo-heel who's best friends with the face.
I remember Sting and Luger walking down the aisle together and Sting would be upbeat, high-fiving the fans and Luger would, literally behind Sting's back, be giving a heel entrance. And then the matches where Luger would cheat his ass off, make sure Sting wasn't looking and then, whenever he was caught, have the worst explanations for it.
The character wouldn't last long, in fact I think Luger's face turn is imminent here, but I remember WCW's tag division being one of the strongest ones in recent memory.
Pillman probably knew he was on his way out at this point and this was one of, if not the, last appearance for him and he was probably just making it count.
I loved seeing Zeus again. It was just so out of nowhere and random. It was around now when Nitro started with the crazy "We don't even know what's going on! We're outta time!" ending that usually just involved random brawling or a new wrestler just standing around.
Aw, you forgot a hilarious (and actually, rather important) part of Luger's celebration, Chris...
When Luger was in the ring jumping around "like he'd won the World Title" after "defeating" Loch Ness in his Television Title defense, Jimmy Hart ran into the ring and jumped into Luger's arms. Luger embraced him for a brief moment and then quickly remembered that "oh yeah, I'm supposed to pretend I don't like Jimmy Hart," and had Hart vacate the ring post-haste.
That cracked me up.
(edited by ekedolphin on 18.3.13 2204) "I'm sorry, I'm not much of a hugger." "Not yet you're not." --Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan, SmackDown 1/18/13
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Co-Winner of Time's Person of the Year Award, 2006
Just be grateful that the payoff to the Anderson/Big Bubba match wasn't "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, newest member of the Four Horsemen. (Though, in fairness, I can't imagine him being much worse than Mongo.)