It’s been two (long?) weeks since we’ve hailed in the grand-daddy of Monday evening wrestling. THIS ... is WCW!
We start with a WCW staple ... where ring announcer Dave Penzer can be heard announcing to the crowd they’ll be live on the air in 15 seconds over the opening credits.
LIVE on the air, we are joined by ERIC BISCHOFF, BOBBY HEENAN, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and alleged PEPE but we do not hear him because we’re getting right down with ...
HULK HOGAN vs. ARN ANDERSON and KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) (in a handicap match)
Heenan thinks Hogan’s about to choke like Greg Norman at the Masters yesterday (all those years ago), and despite NOT being a golf fan, that’s an event I can remember clearly. For those not in the know, Greg Norman had never won the Green Jacket to that point, and cruised into the final round with a 6 stroke lead over second place Nick Faldo; nearly insurmountable. Except, Norman fell apart on the fourth, double bogeying several times on the back nine, shooting 6 over, and wound up losing by an astounding 5 strokes. Now, with that in mind, I’d have to think that Anderson’s more in line for the “choke” seeing as how he’s 2-0 against Hogan since January. Hogan puts a figure four on Sullivan, and even Arn can’t break it and winds up in one of his own. Sullivan beats Hogan down, and now the alliance double team him. KIMBERLY bounces down to root on the Hulkster, and Hogan starts shaking uncontrollably; presumably having the greatest orgasm of his life. The ring is cleared of Alliance mates, and Hogan starts his attack on the floor. Sullivan tries a chair, but that just gives Hogan super powers, and he starts walloping both. However, again the numbers are too much to overcome, and the pair choke Hogan to the ground. Back in the ring, Arn tries a double team piledriver, but Hogan blocks and catapults Anderson into Sullivan. Sullivan is slammed and legdropped for the win at 4:22. *
WOMAN and ELIZABETH are at ringside, and Hogan chases both ladies into the ring. Woman holds Liz for ransom, but Hogan opts to grab both. However, with Jimmy Hart nearby, he releases them and attacks, but Hart has blinding powder in his hands! Hogan no-sells THAT, rips off Hart’s shirt, and gives him a super atomic drop off the top. Big boot ... and here comes THE GIANT. Chokeslam is delivered middle of the ring, and Hogan pops RIGHT back up. Hogan gives him the big boot and slams him, with the announcers selling it like Wrestlemania 3. “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND comes up behind Hogan, and now Hogan grabs HIM and stars the slam before he realizes who it is. Damnit – that would have been the greatest moment in the history of Nitro right there. Hogan tells Gene he’s back on a roll, and he wants his belt back.
THE PUBLIC ENEMY vs. THE NASTY BOYS (in a street fight)
Nastys attack in the aisle with trash cans and crutches, cuz that’s how they roll. Saggs goes to look for plunder, and totally misses Rocco flying at him with a senton. We go to the split screen camera which I absolutely hate. Saggs wildly swings a trashcan lid at anything that moves. Bischoff plugs the Battlebowl; but consumers would be wise to ignore his advances, and never, EVER give him money, even if he promises great matches and amazing action. He is lying, he just wants to rob you. Just walk away. Nastys get the tables, and Rocco is casually tossed through one of them. Grunge throws half a table at Knobbs, while Saggs keeps on keeping on with that trash can lid. Back in, Rocco tries to drop a leg off the top with a garbage can lid onto Saggs, but it’s telegraphed by being far too convoluted, and Saggs just rolls away. Rocco starts dancing on the apron for god knows what reason, and Knobbs just tosses him face first into the guardrail. Everyone starts swinging garbage can pieces, and nobody is safe. Back in, Knobbs uses a table piece to choke Grunge. Knobbs then comes off the top with a clothesline, but because we need to obey the rules of professional wrestling even during a streetfight, we note that his foot is on the ropes and thus is legally safe. TPE sets up a table, and Grunge goes to splash Knobbs. Knobbs moves, Grunge dies, and Knobbs pins him at 9:16. Post-match, Knobbs is celebrating and Rock knocks him off the guard rail so hard, he smacks viciously into the guardrail and may need a coroner. Then TPE double sentons Saggs through the table. The post-match stuff was far better than the match; so we’ll call it *1/2 and hope to god these teams are done with each other.
“EARL” ROBERT EATON (with Jeeves) vs. RANDY SAVAGE
What the hell is this crap doing on Nitro? I like my tiers clearly established: superstars on Nitro, mid-carders squashing losers on Saturday Night, and losers squashing Craig Pittman on Prime. This throws off the careful balance of the WCW world; Bobby Eaton has no purpose being anywhere near Saturday Night let alone Nitro (with exceptions given to perhaps trying to look menacing while standing near Steven Regal). Mach is so disgusted by this matchup that he drops an elbow and nearly gets the pin. Not THE elbow, but a regular run of the mill elbow. Meanwhile, we take a look at FRED FLINTSTONE in the crowd. And no, I’m not stretching for a really weak joke about VK Wallstreet’s appearance or anything.
I want to tell you a whole lot more about this match, but I can’t take Eaton seriously, even when he starts WOOOing, strutting like Ric Flair, applies the Figure Four, and puts on a Four Horsemen t-shirt. Actually, I take that back, all of that was kind of awesome, and I give Eaton credit for giving a jobber squash some color. Savage goes for the elbow, but now Jeeves pulls him off the apron. Savage just chases him to the back, slams Eaton again, and finishes with the usual at 3:57. Savage then beats up the referee, and threatens to drop another elbow. Close friends ALEX WRIGHT, BOBBY WALKER, and JIM DUGGAN rush to talk Savage off the ledge; but Savage jumps anyway and flattens Eaton again. See, the charitable thing to do would have been to roll Eaton to safety, but Duggan isn’t exactly known for his quick thinking. Savage is arrested by DOUG DILLENGER, who as far as I know is neither a cop, nor in a position to charge Savage with anything. Not a cop, but handcuffing men anyway, where have I heard this before? *
RIC FLAIR (with Woman and Elizabeth) and THE GIANT vs. STING and LEX LUGER (for the WCW World Tag-Team titles)
Ric Flair and Giant have earned this opportunity on the strength of their two wins as a tag-team. Flair and Sting start which is a nice fresh matchup. Sting howls a bunch, despite Ric’s hair pulling (or perhaps as a result of). Flair is given a military press, and Giant is dropkicked to the floor. Flair is then tossed into Giant’s arms, who promptly rolls him back in ... to an awaiting Lex Luger. Another military press sees Flair again tossed out, and Giant again rolls him back in, causing Flair to lose it. Flair bails on Sting and chops his partner across the chest. Giant SNAPS and chases Flair to the back – and we take a commercial break!
Upon return, it appears Flair and Giant settled their differences, because Flair’s back to getting his ass kicked by Luger. Giant tags in, and stands on Lex’s chest. Not the pecs man! Luger is choked out with the boot, and given a vertical suplex. NOW Flair is happy to jump back into things. Luger’s chopped at, and tossed to the ladies on the outside. Woman claws the eyes, and Giant is nearby to make sure Luger’s rolled back in. Flair drops a knee for 2. Figure Four is applied, and Flair uses Woman for leverage. Sting breaks up the cheating, and is quickly admonished for his behavior. The referee eventually catches on, and takes serious action. The ladies are given a very stern warning that more behavior may result in a harsh warning. Flair heads up, but Luger catches him to the surprise of the one fan who is just now seeing his first Ric Flair match – and tosses him across the ring. Sting gets the hot tag and press slams Flair. Flair flip in the corner knocks the camera man to the floor. Superplex sets up the Deathlock, Woman tosses a cup of coffee at Luger but misses – however the referee doesn’t miss the attempt and DQs them at 10:14. Giant snaps and chokeslams both Sting and Luger with some gusto. Flair struts over the carnage, and bows down to The Giant, who is still pretty irate. **
During the wrap up, somehow Bischoff talks Heenan into putting handcuffs on, and quickly ushers us off the air as Heenan squirms.
I think it should be pointed out that since the last time Russo was writing for TNA, he become a born-again Christian. His Director of Authority role was after that, but that was only an on-air business. Frankly, I don't know what to expect from this.