Capacity Crowd Cheer their Hardcore Hero to Victory
The Green Phantom, with some rather unexpected help, beat the Hardcore Ninjaz and survived the annual Fans Bring the Weapons Match to retain his IWS tag team title in front of close to a thousand fans crammed into the beautiful downtown Medley. This concluded a historic Un F’N Sanctioned show that has already been described on independent wrestling sites in Quebec (like http://www.lewebzine.net) as the best wrestling show held in Quebec this year.
With opening band Tantrumn’s “IWS Theme” still ringing in the ears of the fans, the Natural Superstar Steve Royds made his triumphant return to the IWS, beating the 275 pound Iceberg in 3:02. After Steve’s victory, the leader of le Syndicat de Lutte Internet, Fred le Merveille, made his way to the ring to protest Steve speaking English when he is obviously a francophone. Fred announced that he had decided to add a fourth member to le Syndicat de Lutte Internet and he offered the spot to Steve Royds. After consulting the crowd, Steve rejected Fred’s offer with an authoritative clothesline. Fortunately for Fred, he was rescued by the newest member of le SLI, Quebec wrestling legend Marc le Grizzly. He and Steve brawled to the back leaving Fred sprawled in the ring. The IWS’ sexy nurse showed up to provide Fred with the breath of life, but Fred rejected her tender mercies once he found out she spoke no French.
Arguments are already raging as to which match at Un F’N sanctioned was the best with four different matches already being cited not just as match of the night but as candidates for Canadian match of the year.
The first of these matches was the confrontation between two former IWS champions and crowd favourites, Dru Onyx and the Triple X “Sex XXXpress” Sexxxy Eddy. Onyx riled up the crowd by interrupting a strip tease being performed by Eddy and two of his female co-stars, and verbally assaulting Eddy for not taking wrestling seriously enough. During the hard-hitting combat that followed both men had chances to win, but Eddy’s resiliency and speed overcame Dru Onyx’ frightening power when Eddy got the flash pin with the “Total Sexxxtacy” reverse springboard shooting star press at 10:00. After the match, in a show of sportsmanship, Dru Onyx held up Eddy’s hand up in victory for the crowd... only to ambush Eddy with a Spear and then horrifying the crowd by power bombing Eddy out of the ring and on to the entrance ramp, folding up Eddy like a human accordion. While the crowd voiced their displeasure, Dru Onyx showed his contempt for them, for his fallen opponent and for the niceties of civilized behaviour by using the crumpled Eddy as a human footstool while the Bajan Bomber retied his wrestling boots.
The SLI Invitational turned into a four team elimination match when the Flying Hurricanes, Los Latinos and Xtreme Revolution all answered Viking Voisine and Damian Dion’s open challenge. In the process, the match became an open invitation for the crowd to get to their feet and stay there as the eight men electrified the packed crowd with a fast-paced and insane scramble highlighted by an eight man submission chain, a picture perfect four way suplex and an astonishing Super FrankenSteiner to the outside by Crazy Crusher that turned Kenny the Bastard into a human missile. The Flying Hurricanes eliminated Los Latinos after 12:35 when Takao power bombed his own partner, Kenny the Bastard, onto the Latino Kid. The Flying Hurricanes were eliminated in turn by le Syndicat de Lutte Internet when Viking and Damian combined to level Takao with a “Tueur des Policiers” at 13:16. Xtreme Revolution won the SLI invitational at 14:02 when Crazy Crusher and Nightmare Manson combined to hit Damian with their Revolutionizer vertaebreaker.
After the match, IWS Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris came to the ring to praise Xtreme Revolution and name them number one contenders to the IWS tag team titles. Don Francesco stormed out to protest this decision and his boys, Tomassino and Eric Mastrocola, laid out Xtreme Revolution before dragging the Commissioner to the back to teach him some respect.
Two men frequently described as the best wrestlers in Quebec, Kevin Steen and EXcesS69 put on a wrestling clinic during UnF’NSanctioned, delivering a match that succeeded at being technical without being boring and being hard core without using weapons. EXcesS69 won after reversing a running kick into a surprise roll-up after 16:01. Kevin Steen reacted poorly to the loss, throwing EXcesS69 into the ropes in such a way that EXcesS69 ended up in a life threatening hangman position. Rather than rescuing his fellow wrestler from this precarious predicament, Kevin Steen grabbed a chair and delivered a thunderous chair shot to the defenceless EXcesS69, who had to be carried to the back by IWS officials.
IWS owner Carol Cox celebrated her birthday during Un F’N Sanctioned. Her in-ring celebrations were cut short, however, when IWS champion Arsenal and his manager TV’s Iron Mike Patterson crashed the party. After humiliating Carol and ruining a designer dress, Arsenal and Iron Mike Patterson began threatening physical violence to the IWS owner when PCP Crazy F’N Manny hit the ring to chase them off. Manny announced that he would be acting as guest referee in the Fans Bring the Weapons main event, because he was the only man crazy enough to do it.
Pierre Carl Ouellet demonstrated why he is considered an icon in Quebec wrestling as he partnered with Beef Wellington against Career Killer Kurt Lauderdale and Kid Kamikaze. Beef was isolated for most of the match before Pierre Carl Ouellet broke out a somersault plancha to help turn the tide and save his partner. PCO then neutralized the threat of Kurt Lauderdale, flipping from the top rope to the outside, through Kurt and a table. Beef Wellington made his own contribution to his team’s success putting his treacherous former partner, Kid Kamikaze, through a table with the E. Coli straight jacket pile driver. Beef and PCO won the match after 19:49 when Beef flipped PCO off the top rope onto Kurt Lauderdale with the move that helped PCO win three WWF tag team titles.
El Generico came heartbreakingly close to winning the IWS title in a match that cemented El Generico’s reputation as one of the best and most charismatic wrestlers in Quebec, and furthered the Arsenal’s already considerable reputation as pound for pound, the most mean, twisted, vicious sociopath in the wrestling industry. Frustrated at his inability to pin the courageous El Generico, and irritated by how close the Tijuana native had already come to stealing his precious IWS title, the Arsenal lured El Generico out of the ring. The two men brawled to the upper floor of the Medley where the Arsenal ambushed El Generico and used a Death Valley Driver over the railing through five tables to knock out the Latin Luchador. Iron Mike Patterson and the Arsenal carried El Generico back to the ring for the pin fall at 23:27.
While Montreal band InVeigh played their new “Theme to Fans Bring the Weapons”, IWS officials handed out safety goggles and face masks to prepare the crowd for the most ultra violent match in Quebec, a match that only happens once a year. And just like a demented Christmas, the fans had brought gifts including, amongst many others, a barbed wire Babar, a light tube log cabin, a potted cactus made from green light tubes and thumb tacks, a light tube skate board, a barbed wire child seat, a light tube machine gun, two light tube light sabers, a television set, and that most deadly of weapons... a ham.
Before the match started, IWS President Seska demanded that the Green Phantom name the man that he had chosen to temporarily replace his partner EXcesS69. The Green Phantom protested that there wasn’t any one in the IWS crazy enough or hardcore enough to be his partner in an environment like Fans Bring the Weapons, at which point PCP Crazy F’N Manny threw off his referee shirt and for one night, Green Drugs was reunited.
Words can not describe the hellish insanity that ensued. Suffice it to say that within mere minutes, the Hardcore Ninjaz manager, Iron Mike Patterson, the referee for the match, Mop, and the replacement referee, senior IWS official Peanut were all unconscious. The sole remaining IWS referee, Bakais, took one look at the ring and fled for his life. And the competitors were just warming up. Ultimately, a match like Fans Bring the Weapons is not so much won as survived. In the end, the Green Phantom, the IWS Hardcore Hero, was the last man standing after both Hardcore Ninjaz missed with a weapons added top rope Pearl Harbour leg drop. The Green Phantom took quick advantage to Phantasm one groggy Ninja onto another and cover for the pin as Bakais ducked out from hiding to make the count at 17:39.
The IWS presents Blood, Sweat and Beers scheduled for Saturday, October 18th, at Le Skratch, 965 Cure Labelle, Chomedey, Laval, Québec. Doors open at 8:30 pm. Tickets are twelve dollars. IWS wrestling is intended for audiences eighteen years or over. For information about the show e-mail email@example.com or visit the Internet Wresting Syndicate at their web-site: http://www.syndicatewrestling.com/. For information about IWS merchandise & DVDs, our wholesale prices or our customer referral program e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or order from http://xrv.com/iws/. For a video clip of Arsenal’s Death Valley Driver off a balcony through five tables, go here: http://the-arsenal.8k.com/videos and click on dvdweb.wmv.
I was wearing safety goggles and a face mask. The bell ringer (Eddy's Dad) rang the bell and then scarpered. Guppie and I stuck it out. I didn't get cut or anything, but my notebook is full of glass. We finally ditched the timekeeper's table and fled when the Green Phantom put one of the Ninjas through a log cabin made of light tubes on top of a table, right at ringside. (I think it was Ninja number one, but with their new costumes even they have a hard time telling each other apart.)
Ah yes, but I break the table waaaaaaaay more than Jeb breaks the table. (SIGH. Yes, I DO need help.) Which reminds me that I really need to break loose and write something that will find pieman at lunch with a small novel sized print-out to read.