Roasting Ninjas Over an Open Fire… Jack Frost Nipping At Your Nose
The Green Phantom ended nearly two years worth of frustration on Saturday night capturing the IWS tag team titles in the IWS’ Hardcore Hero’s signature match – the annual Christmas Tree Death match. But the price of that success may be the Green Phantom’s very soul as the Phantom allied himself with “The Devil’s Favourite Weapon” Dru Onyx to capture tag team gold.
The Hardcore Ninjaz for their part saw their dream of a perfect 2006 fall apart as they watched their titles slip away from the outside of the the ring - still smoking from having been put through a burning table by the Green Phantom - as Onyx and the Phantom pinned the reformed Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze).
Match #1 - Shayne Hawke and Jimmy Stone vs. Player Uno and Stupefied Player Uno pinned Shayne Hawke for the win at 8:53 with a pump-handle pile-driver.
Match #2 - EXesS vs. Sofirios EXesS forced Sofirios to tap to his stretch muffler variant after 9:45.
Match#3 - Franky the Mobster vs. Vanessa Kraven Vanessa Kraven pinned Franky the Mobster with a leveraged roll-up after 9:18.
Match#4 - Above Standards (Carl Choquette and Eric Fauze) vs. The Rock and Cock Express (Twiggy and Pornstar Juan) Pornstar Juan pinned Eric Fauze with a Sunset Flip with help from a top-rope cross-body-block from Twiggy after 7:13.
Match#5 - “Paranoid” Jake Matthews vs. Sexxxy Eddy Jake Matthews pinned Sexxy Eddy after 9:31
Match#6 - IWS Canadian Title - Dan Paysan vs. Jagged Dan Paysan pinned Jagged after 9:16 to become the new IWS Canadian champion (6th champion).
Match#7 - IWS Title - Max Boyer vs. Viking Viking retained his IWS title in 15:54, pinning Max Boyer with “La Tueur des Policiers” after Jake Matthews hit Max on the back with his shovel.
Match#8 - IWS Tag Team Title Christmas Tree Death Match Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom vs. Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze) vs. the Hardcore Ninjaz Dru Onyx pinned Beef Wellington with a spear at 12:00 to win the IWS tag team titles for Dru Onyx and the Green Phantom (12th Champions). The defending champions, the Hardcore Ninjaz were not pinned.
The IWS’ annual celebration of Christmas Carnage began with a tag team match featuring four men who wrestled at Blood, Sweat and Beers in a thrilling four-way dance. Natural allies Player Uno and Stupefied combined to face hesitant partners “American Idol” Shayne Hawke and Jimmy “Just because I have a smoking hot woman willing to pretend to be my girl-friend doesn’t make me a heterosexual” Stone. Uno and Stupefied demonstrated their team-work by turning their own bodies into missiles during a thrilling dive sequence. On the other hand, Shayne Hawke showed his lack of respect for his own partner turning Jimmy Stone into a battering ram to crotch Uno on the top rope. Despite nearly getting his head taken off with a thunderous super-kick from Shayne Hawke, the 8 bit luchadore countered the Tomahawk - the same move that Hawke won with last month - and avenged that loss by dropping Hawke on his damned red head with a pump-handle pile-driver after 8:53.
IWS Trainer EXesS dragged rookie Sofirios to the ring for a lesson in being stretched. EXesS was annoyed at the huge prdouction made out of Sofirios’ first match by Quebec network VRAK-TV at Blood, Sweat and Beers. After forcing Sofirios to tap to his stretch muffler variant at 9:45, EXesS issued an open challenge: Anyone who thinks that they are good enough to compete in the IWS can get a try-out… in the ring… against EXesS… by contacting your humble scribe at Llakor@hotmail.com.
Mathy assured me after the show that he is DEAD serious about this. If you are seriously thinking of taking up EXesS on his offer, my advice to you is: RECONSIDER. EXesS is a grumpy humourless fuck and he will stretch you just to hear you scream.
Oh and why do I have this weird feeling that my Hotmail inbox is about to be flooded worse than the time that Peter LaSalle told people on Bloodstrem to send me video clips of Russian Lesbian Bestiality Porn? (And who knew that there could be so many different clips?)
Franky the Mobster, fresh off his triumphant return last month during Blood, Sweat and Beers, came to the ring and announced that he wanted to face “The Biggest Pussy in the Back”. In a classic case of being careful of what you wish for, Vanessa Kraven accepted the challenge and much to Franky’s shock kicked his ass around the ring. Franky rallied but Vanessa countered Franky’s sit-out choke slam finisher, rolling Franky up for the win at 9:11.
Prior to their rematch against Above Standards, the Rock and Cock Express, Twiggy and Pornstar Juan, delivered a video promo in which they announced that they were sick of being the resident punching bags of the IWS and that in 2007, “We are going to forget our manners!” At this point, former IWS President, the sultry Seska appeared and told the boys that what they obviously needed was “inspirational motivation” the kind that could only be provided by an experienced porn star like herself.
Am I the only one getting a total 80’s sex comedy vibe here? Porky’s, My Tutor, Private Lessons? Maybe it’s just me.
Despite their best efforts to suck up to IWS management – by giving IWS announcer Joey Soprano an early Christmas gift of their DVD “Best of Above Standards Volume Three” – Carl Choquette and Eric Lauze fell prey to the inspired teamwork of the Rock and Cock Express who avenged their defeat at the hands of Above Standards last month. Credit Seska with the “inspirational” assist. Also credit Twiggy whose top rope cross body block on Eric Lauze gave Pornastar Juan the chance to complete a Sunset Flip on Eric Lauze and get the pin at 7:13.
Not to be outdone by EXesS in the open challenge department, Sexxxy Eddy, prior to his match with “Paranoid Jake Matthews”, invited “any woman who wants to pop her IWS cherry in the ring, send Llakor an e-mail to Llakor@hotmail.com and the forty year old virgin will arrange for you to have your clothes taken off in the ring by me.”
Eddy and Tony Soprano keep screwing this up. For the last time, I’m thirty-nine.
I should probably also mention as an update for fans of Lufisto, the CZW Iron (Wo)Man Champion, that according to Eddy she is almost completely healed from the broken hand that she suffered punching Necro Butcher repeatedly in the head in the final round of the Ontario Tournament of Death (won by Lufisto.) “At least, I assume the hand is fully healed based on the quantity and intesity of the hand-jobs that she has been giving me,”said Eddy.
The new IWS Commissioner, Andy Rosetti, appointed as new senior IWS official Jeremy “The Prophet” Barnoff, a Rougeau student from the same class as Maxime Boyer. Mind you where Boyer was an straight "A+" student, Prophet was more the student who avoids flunking out only because his Dad bought the university a new library (or in this case a new Range Rover.)
Rather predictably, Prophet cost Eddy the match on at least three occasions by my count with a super-slow count. To be fair to “Paranoid” Jake Matthews, he did pass up a chance to win the match on a count-out, stopping the count at eight with Eddy wiped out on the floor and not getting back up, and while Prophet did count slightly faster on the pinfall, I’m not sure if it would have made a difference because after Matthews levelled the boom on Eddy his eyes were glazed like a Krispy Kreme. Matthews won the match with his reverse fisherman buster in 9:31.
Dan Paysan shed the label of “most talented IWS wrestler never to win a belt” with a vengeance during Season’s Beatings beating Jagged for the IWS Canadian title just won by Jagged during Born to Bleed. Jagged’s injured tag-team partner Shane Matthews spent the match at ring side giving moral support and tried to help in more active ways, but every time that Shane slid a chair into the ring, Jagged slid it back out. Finally Jagged decided to use the chair which lead to a tug of war for the chair between Jagged and Dan Paysan. The Dapper Don wisely let go of the chair which led to Jagged hitting Shane in the gut with the chair, leaving Dan with a clear path to Krunch Jagged for the pin at 9:16.
Backstage Shane was heard to console his tag-team partner with a list of great “transitional champions” like Jagged. “Ivan Putski, Kane, the Iron Sheik, Stan Stasiak, Bob Backlund…” “Bob Baclund? Shane he held the title for like three years.” “No, the second time… when he beat Bret Hart and got killed by Diesel.”
The long anticipated title match between Viking and “Canadian Dynamite” Max Boyer more than lived up to its billing as Viking forced Boyer to put aside his technical wrestling and become a violent hardcore sociopath like Viking. The match featured a memorable chop-fest between the two men where Viking took everything that Boyer could dish out and asked for more. When Boyer chopped Viking you saw that it had to hurt. The difference of the early part of the match was that when Viking chopped Boyer, fans cringed in sympathetic pain the chops were so violent.
The tide of the match turned on a double level chair fort built by Viking on the outside that Boyer used to destroy the IWS champion. Unfortunately, Boyer couldn’t get the win on the outside and by the time that Boyer was ready to drag Viking back, the IWS champion had recovered. In a sick, twisted move no doubt inspired by his love of Japanese garbage wrestling, Viking tried to bite through a light tube to use the shards to carve up Boyer and when he couldn’t bite through the tube broke it on his own forehead. Viking wasted so much time on this stunt that Boyer took control of the match only to fall prey to a shovel shot to the back by “Paranoid” Jake Matthews. Viking bum-rushed Matthews to the outside and then took Boyer out with his “Tueurs de Policiers” to win the match and retain the title at 15:54.
After the match, IWS Owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny hit the ring with veteran Pierre Carl Ouellet to destroy both Viking and Boyer and to announce that at the next IWS show Praise the Violence that Viking and Max Boyer would have to team up together to face the heavyweight combination of Jake Matthews and Pierre Carl Ouellet.
A few quick editorial comments. First, if Viking is planning to bite light-tubes on a regular basis, I recommend that he start emulating Kurt Angle and get himself a hardcore mouth-guard. Second, Manny and PCO and Jake Matthews are awfully good at beating Viking and Boyer after they have just spent fifteen minutes killing each other. I am looking forward to seeing what happens when those three bullies face a fresh Viking and Boyer. I think that they are in for a big surprise. Finally, I was fortunate enough to sit in with IWS play-by-play man Mike Rotch to provide live commentary for the last two matches (while Shane Matthews was busy trying to convince Jagged that losing the IWS Canadian title on your first defence is not really that big a deal.) Sadly, Manny heard the commentary for this match and erased it because of a number of comments critical of him. Yep, that’s my boss.
The Christmas Tree Death match is an annual Christmas tradition hosted by the IWS Hardcore Hero. This year was a little different. For the first time, it was fought as a tag team match with the Green Phantom teaming with Dru Onyx. Their opponents, bringing to the ring a giant dreidel, were the reformed team of Hi-5 (Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze). Before starting the match, Hi-5 found a present under the tree which said that it was for “The Team that scores a pinfall in the match.” When Beef and Double K opened the gift to reveal the IWS tag gold, the Hardcore Ninjaz attacked from ambush… as Ninjaz are wont to do.
Of course, the Ninjaz don’t have a monopoly on being sneaky as Hi-5 proved when they revealed that their giant dreidel was hollow… and filled with thumbtacks.
The Hardcore Ninjaz went into Season’s Beatings as IWS tag team champions and boasting a perfect record for 2006. By the end of the night, they could boast neither. Tragically, they weren’t even pinned for their belts. The Green Phantom got revenge on the Ninjaz for putting him through a burning table at Blood, Sweat and Beers by putting both Ninjaz through a burning table. While the Ninjaz were beating off the flames, Dru Onyx was hitting Beef Wellington with a spear and scoring the pin-fall victory. Leading me (and others) to wonder: Who can beat these two monsters for the IWS tag team titles now that they have them?
Our next show is Praise the Violence, Saturday January 20th at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8:30pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change.
1. As most people will probably end up saying: the answer is probably going off steroids. Virgil obviously didn't work out any less, but just didn't gain that extra mass and bulk that steroids maintain. 2.