OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz!!! And teh biggest news is that FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK...to not being in the WWE LOL! And the reason why is because Vince McMahon is in for surgery getting new kneecaps inserted after his old ones imploded at the Royal Rumble so he left Triple H in charge of resigning The Rock! But then HHH remembered that the Rock is a much better wrestler, actor, singer and lover than him, so he tore up the Rock's contract! Then set it on fire! Then pedigreed the ashes!!!! And that is what you will never EEEEEVER see The Rock in the WWE agayne!
The Trish/Christy feud is a worked shoot and is ALSO stolen from my fantasy WWE 2005 that I posted a month ago if you remember. But in real life Trish wanted to be in PlayBoy but Hugh Heffner said "NUH-UH!" because she's a heel and he thought nobody would buy the issue because she's so evil! So Trish really IS jealous of Christy and slapped her so hard on RAW that she burst Christy's ear drum just like when Tazz slapped Steve Corino that one time! And I'd just like to say a personal FUNK U to Hugh Heffner for denying is Trish's hot naked Candian heel body!
Amy Webber has quit the WWE because people kept making fun of her bad back! It all started on some flight somewhere where Amy needed a whole row of seats to lie on to rest her injured back (injured in a polo match!) when Randy Orton walked up to her and said "Hey baby, seeing as how you're lying down, how about we do the horizontal mambo if you see what I'm implin'!" and Amy said "Yeah, I see! You're being mean to me! You know I can't have sex because of my bad back! You mean person!" and Randy said "Ah come on ho, I just wanted to make the beast with two backs with you!" and Amy said "You said back! You're ribbing me about my back! What kind of a man are you!" then Orton smiled and took out a photo of him in bed with Amy's mom! Then Randy said "look, I did it with your fat momma, now I just wanna do it with you, mmm'kay?" and Amy said "that's so sick! You with my mother...you're saying that you did her because her back is healthy! And mine isn't! You know how sensitive I am about my baed back! You bastard! Stop ribbing my back!" then Orton says "Fine, I'll rib your FRONT!" and tried to force himself on her but JBL held him back then Amy said "Oh my God, I can't believe you just did that! You tried to force yourself on me because you knew it would hurt my back!" Then Orton got mad and gave her an RKO and when Amy came to she said "He gave me that RKO to hurt my back!" And that's why she quit...THE BITCH!
Chris Masters is Gerald Briscoe's Godson and taht's how he got the job!
New tag team: Maven and The Coach! There name? The Under-Overachievers!!!!
SIGN IDEAS OLD SKOOL STYLE
Either Triple H Goes Or I Go!
Remember When Benoit Was A Main Eventer?
Stephanie Swallowed (The Ratings!)
Masters Injured My Sign!
Cena Called My Sign Gay!
Will Job For Food (I'm Rikishi!)
Wrestlemania is jizzust around teh cizzourner and here is the John Tentative card!
HHH vesus Batista
JBL versus John Cena
Kurt Angle versus Shawn Michaels - they've built a highly realistic robotic prosphetic foot for Shawn so Kurt can snap his ankle (I wish he'd do it for real!!!!)
The Undertaker versus Randy Orton, ladder match - This is set up on RAW when Undertaker's at the show to visit his brother Kane! But he can't find Kane (he's gone to the movies!) and he goes out to the ring looking for him and then Orton comes out with a ladder and says "I'll help you look for him, use my ladder!" And then Undertaker climbs up the ladder to see if he can see Kane anywhere but Orton climbs up to then gives Undertaker a RKO off the ladder!!! Then he hits him with the ladder! Then gives him an RKO onto the ladder! Then gives the ladder a RKO onto Undertaker! Then poses! Then says "I'm the legend killer and you...are a legend!" and Undertaker staggers up and Orton acts like he's going to help him but then gives him another RKO and JR says "NO, NO, YOU SON OF A BITCH, I THOUGHT HE WAS HELPING THE UNDERTAKER UP, BUT ORTON'S A DAMN BACKFIGHTER!" then Orton climbs up to the top of the ladder and says "This, my Undertaker, symbolises that I am at the top...of the ladder...of the WWE's ladder...in the WWE...and you...you are the Undertaker...and you're...six feet under!" then jumps of the ladder with a wicked knee six feet down onto Undertaker and says "Now Undertaker, I want a match at Wrestlemania but it won't be no ordinary match oh no! It will be..." and JR says "WHAT THE HELL'S IT GOING TO BE KING, I'VE GOT NO IDEA!" and Orton finishes "it will be...A LADDER MATCH!" and JR says "NO, BY GAWD, THAT'S SICK, THAT'S INHUMAN, A DAMN LADDER MATCH, I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!" And it's a face versus face match.
Benoit and Jericho versus Hassan and Davari - Davari's been trained how to wrestle in the last few weeks by Fit Finlay(~!), Dean Malenk(~!~!) and Al Snow(...) so this should be a five star match!
Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Misterio - This all starts on Smackdown when Rey is is out shopping for a new lowrider and he brings his best friend Eddy wit him! And Rey's just bought the lowrider and he's holding the keys and the salesman is handing him his change but Rey drops a dime (no pun intended!) and says to Eddie "can you hold my keys while I bend over for this dime?" and Eddie says "no problem esse wat are friends for you know holmes!" So Rey hands him the keys and bends over but then he feels someone kicking him right in the ass and he goes down! Then when Rey gets up he sees Eddie speeding away in the lowrider! Then next week Rey is backstage all angry and pissed and wanting his damn car back because he had to carpool with Heidenriech to get to the arena this week and it wasn't a pleasant experience! But then Eddie comes staggering in all bruised and his clothes all ripped up! And Rey says "what are you doing you asshole!" and Eddie says "hey, calm down holmes! I only stole your car, got high on drugs then totalled it! What's the big deal, esse?" and Rey's so mad he challenges Eddie to a match next week! And they have the match and Eddie wins pulling the tights with his feet on the ropes and a fast three count from the special guest ref who is Eddie's wife! Then Rey says "that's not fair! You only beat me because you cheated!" and Eddie says "Maybe you're right, holmes. Maybe I can't beat you without cheating. But esse...what if I can!?" then Rey says "Hey, you used that exact same line on Kurt Angle last year!" and Eddie is so mad that steam shoots out his ears then he hits Rey with a chair! Then he goes backstage and comes driving back out in Rey's lowrider which isn't damanged at all and Tazz says "Eddie lied, I can't believe it!" Then Eddie runs Rey over in the lowrider. And it'll be a face versus face match.
Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme - Iron Circle Match!
Paul London versus Chavo Guerrero - On Heat before the show, DUH!
Plus the hardcore title's been brought back 24/7 rules so there will be a hardcore battle royal to get lots of people on the card wiht Booker T, Heidenreich, Kane, Snitsky, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Scotty 2 Hotty, Funaki, Big Show, Stevie Richards, Honky Tonk Man and Molly Holly in disguise as a man trying to win the title to honor her late cousin Crash!
Plus an extra special apperance by Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning Rene Dupree!
And now for this week's interview with Gail Kim! Be warned, this inteview features XTREME sexual content right from the stizzart!
Me: OMG YOU'RE SO HOT!
Gail: Hehe, thanks...
Me: No, I mean it! You're the hottest person I've ever talked to on the phone!
Gail: That makes me feel so special.
Me: Well, I did speak to Trish once, technically, but all she said was "I'm not home right now!", then I said "Sorry!" and she said "That's okay!" Too bad, I really wanted to interview her...wait a minute, how did she says that if she wasn't home!?
Gail: She's very talented.
Me: Yeah and hot, lol. But so are you, OMG!
Gail: Okay, try to calm down...
Me: Sorry, I will. But let's just say that I'm holding my phone ONE HANDED during this conversation!
Gail: Don't you always?
Me: Not if I'm talking to a guy! That's sick!
Gail: Well, okay.
Me: You speak really good English for a Korean!
Gail: I've lived in Canada all my life.
Me: You speak really good English for a Canadian!
Gail: Tell me ABOOT it!
Gail: Just a bit of Canadian humor there.
Me: I don't get it...anyway, you're so hot.
Gail: That's what they...well, you, keep telling me.
Me: So come you were fired! It made no sense! I mean, you sucked in the ring at first, but you got better! And you're hotter than all the other Divas but Trish, obviously.
Gail: It's still a mystery to me...
Me: Do you think it might have been RACISM?
Gail: What, you mean because all the non-white Divas, myself, Nidia, Jazz, Shaniqua and Jacqueline were fired? Then all the WHITE Diva Search losers were hired? And in fact the only Diva Search whore...I mean, loser, not to be hired was the black one? And because Vince wanted it to be revealed that me and Tajiri were brother and sister and were in an incestual relationship where we used chop sticks to sexually pleasure each other? Do I think all of that might have been racist?
Gail: Never occured to me!
Me: Oh. Well, it can't have been because of your breasts, you got big juicy implants.
Gail: That was a life choice.
Me: Maybe it was because your ass is too small? Maybe you should have made a "life choice" to get ass implants to give you sexy bubble ass like Trish's?
Me: So I hear you want to become a stunt woman now.
Gail: That's right, there's good money to be made in the stunt business.
Me: I think you should be a proper actress! The Rock should have got you the part of his love interest in Be Cool!
Gail: I don't think that would have worked, his character in Be Cool is gay.
Me: OMFG! Do you think he researched the role at all? Do you think maybe he fooled around with guys to see what it felt like to be a gay? And that maybe he spent a night of passion with a male porn star and filmed it and the video will show up on the internet in a few weeks?
Gail: I hope so, he's hot!
Me: I know! I mean, my gay friend told me he was. I mean, girlfriend. I don't have a gay friend. I don't expiriment with him while watching DVDs of the Hardy Boz. I don't!
Gail: I didn't say you do!
Me: You implied it you crafty Korean Canadian!
Gail: I don't actually care...dont' you have anymore questions about my wrestling?
Me: You're not a wrestler now, you dumb bitch!
Me: OMG, I can't belive I called Gail Kum a bitch. Sorry. I'll ask a serious question. Are you still friends with anyone from WWE?
Gail: Well, Nidia and I travel and wrestle together a lot.
Me: Do you somtimes practice moves on each other?
Gail: Yeah, we do...
Me: Do you sometimes put her in submission holds...at night? In bed? Naked? With no clothes on? All oiled up? With visible nipple slip? Do you sometimes do that?
Gail: Sorry, I've had to go out for a while.
Me: NOOOO, not again!
Gail: I'm not home right now. Sorry.
Me: Damn it! Okay, bye then.
Bizzack next week(!?) with more of the same but a MILLION TIMES BETTER!!!!!!!!!3
No RAW or Smackdown! recaps this week, because I was busy. Breaking up is not fun to do. I got this in the mail about a week ago – and I keep MEANING to actually review some of these awesome DVDs the WWE’s been pumping out lately.