Hey! The last four days, uh, kind of got away from me, but I still wanted to get something quick up for the last episode. Besides, nobody chimed into last week's thread to berate me about my take on Roode/Strong, so I figure I'm still doing something right. Or you were all literally too disgusted for words. One of those.
This week opens up with a recap of the DIY turn, because Johnny Gargano will return tonight. We're also getting Heavy Machinery vs. the Authors of Pain, in three straight weeks of title matches.
Our opener, though is Aleister Black vs. Bobby Fish. Hey, I don't hate Bobby Fish! I hate Kyle O'Reilly. It's important that you know that. I genuinely, throroughly hate O'Reilly as a performer. Anyhoo, Bobby Fish. This one is pretty okay, as both guys work a strike-heavy offense. Nigel tells me that Fish is working the leg and trying to set it up for the Fish Hook, which I assume is a hold of some kind, but it doesn't especially matter, because this one trends heavily in Black's favor until he ultimately scores the Black Mass for the pin. Match Rating: This Is One Of Those Matches Where The Guy Debuts So You Know They Have Him, But Then You Don't See Him Again For Months.
After their embarrassing performance against SAnitY last time, Itami and Ohno are steaming mad at each other, and KO is particularly done with Itami blaming everyone but himself. I hope Itami kills him when they finally get their match.
Vanessa Borne (who we've seen before as Danielle Kamala) beat Jayme Hachey with a cradle powerslam to advance to the May Young Classic - NO SPOILERS MOTHERFUCKERS. I'm not even kidding. I know they taped the first two rounds already, but I don't wanna know nuthin' until the show airs. If you're in the know, keep it to yourself. Anyhoo, this match was real bad, and it was all Hachey's fault. I want to say that she's terrible, except that the real problem is that she's so, so green. Match Rating: Like, If You Told Me This Was Her First Match Ever, I'd Believe You.
Drew McIntyre got jumped by Damo and Wolfe outside of Full Sail. The security cameras caught it, so, we should probably check those any time there's a mysterious attack.
Bobby Roode's in GM Regal's office, and basically wants to see his two top contenders, Damo and Drew, beat the shit out of each other on their way to facing him. Regal agrees that it's a fun-sounding idea, and away we go. That match is next week.
Hey, Gargano's back! He's missed us, and he's missed being in the ring. He never saw Ciampa's turn coming (tell me about it), and he doesn't understand why he did it. He probably never will. But he can't spend his time in the past; he has to move forward. He wants a match for Brooklyn, because he wants to get back to being Johnny Gargano - no, he wants to get back to being Johnny Wrestling! Good stuff. His promo ends with new music, which, I gotta be frank here, is girl music. Like, it's not bad, at all, but it's a super feminine theme song. I guess I shouldn't judge, but I'm not sure that's the presentation he's shooting for.
We're also getting Ember Moon vs. Ruby Riot next week, and that's a winner for sure.
Finally, we get Heavy Machinery vs. the AoP for the titles. It's definitely a fun match, where the challengers actually have the size and strength advantage and the champs aren't really sure what to do about that. They eventually get an advantage on Knight, and work him over until the hot tag to Otis. Otis is a House Afire, nailing a belly to belly throw, a double avalanche on both Authors, and a powerslam that sets up the Compactor. But the Authors are able to counter out of that, boot Knight to the floor, DDT Otis, and hit the Last Chapter for the pin. Match Rating: I Really Wanted Heavy Machinery To Pull Out A DQ Or A Count Out Win Here.
I mean, you're already running a much better undefeated angle with Asuka. Anyhoo, after the match, SAnitY (minus Eric Young) comes out to pose on the ramp, and Wolfe eats (yes, I said eats pages from the Book of Destruction. It's, uh, maybe not the best visual to go out on, if I'm being honest.
Okay, now let's see if Wednesday's recap takes more or less time to go up than this one.
The person on the cover is chosen based on what the magazine editors think will sell magazines. It's not about getting people over, building interest, it's about selling magazines, and thus making money.