24 Karat Pictures Presents A Shattered Dreams Production A Lithuanian Girl with an American Dream (pun intended!) A Knight In Golden Armor Comes to Her Rescue Tonight... On A Very Special NXT Celebrate The Union of Goldust and his NXT Rookie Aksana As They're Wedded In Golden Matrimony...
You Make The Rain Fall!!
WELCOME! It's the Biggest, Goldenest, Most Romantical Episode of NXT ever! Love is in the air! Can you feel it? All the Divas are in formal dress for tonight's wedding, except Naomi, who's dressed like a prostitute who slept with a state trooper and kept his sunglasses as payment. AJ's wearing her wrestling boots with her dress, but she still looks appropriate to the occasion.
Striker runs down tonight's festivities: Besides the wedding, there will be two elimination challenges, giving Maxine, Kaitlyn and AJ the opportunity to sweep both challenges to match Naomi for immunity, wherein they would presumably re-institute the Bret Hart/Lex Luger 1994 Popularlity Contest, which Naomi would certainly lose if Kaitlyn or AJ manage the sweep, and maybe if Maxine pulls a sweep off as well, but probably not since no one but Cole likes Maxine. (How long was that sentence?) Since Aksana has a golden goose egg for elimination wins, Striker points out that she's mathematically ineligible for immunity (Cole: "That's why he's a teacher!"). Anyway, Aksana has a greater prize at the end of the golden brick road of matrimony. Striker excuses Aksana from the rest of the elimination challenges so that she may prepare for her wedding.
Now then, because love is in the air, the NXT Rookies must compete in a Kissing Contest (complete with Kiss Cam music) as their first Elimination Challenge. Kissing is the theme of the night - the most important thing - as we will learn throughout the episode. The Rookies need someone to kiss, and that lucky little bastard who gets to kiss them is... Hornswoggle. Maxine is angry, but Hornswoggle is delighted at Striker's instructions that the winner he chooses is the Rookie Diva who makes him feel "special inside".
Up first is Kaitlyn, who protests Horny's beard before getting down on her knees (easy, Moss) for the kiss. It wasn't so much a kiss as a physical assault as Hornswoggle grabs her head with both his little hands and mashes his face into hers. And he liked. A lot. I think it's Striker who quips, "You know what they say about the little people.", prompting Josh and Cole to wonder what that means.
Striker's microphone magically appears in Maxine's hand and she dresses Hornswoggle down, refuses to kiss him, and bids him to leave. Who knew she had that kind of power? Striker does nothing to stop Hornswoggle from going. What about the rest of the contest. Why it's almost as if they're aware that...
WHOA-OH! YOU'RE ONLY SMOKE AND MIRRORS! Yes! Dashing Cody Rhodes, dressed to the nines and carrying a mirror, has returned to NXT and has come to save this segment! Once in the ring, Dashing informs us that he's of course here for his brother's wedding and ladies, "You're welcome." Excellent. Josh can't stop raving about the Burberry Gator shoes Dashing's wearing, which apparently are very rare and expensive.
Kaitlyn already kissed someone, but that apparently has been null and voided. In preparation for Kaitlyn, Dashing applies lip balm. Their kiss is closed mouthed and reasonable. Dashing wasn't blown away.
Next up is Maxine who also has a chip on her shoulder about kissing Dashing. She didn't like Hornswoggle, she didn't like Dashing - what, we gotta drag Khali out here? Nothing makes this broad happy. Dashing sprays a little mouth spray in his mouth and then squirts a cloud in Maxine's flapping yapper. Maxine extends her hand like a lady, or like how Martin Prince did in this season's premiere of The Simpsons. Dashing kissed it, moved on, and Maxine kissed being able to sweep for immunity goodbye.
Now whose bright idea was it to give Naomi a microphone? Naomi pitches a stupid fit and tells Cody that she wouldn't kiss him if he were the last man on Earth. (Yes, you would, liar, because in I Am Legend, the Last Man on Earth was Will Smith and I'll bet you a million [insert something stereotypical black people like] that you'd kiss him!) Naomi declares that this is a contest she's glad to lose. What, you mean, NXT? The crowd boos Naomi, and fuck it, I'll say it: I hate her. (Not for the reason Senor Chang thinks.) I'm going back to calling her Nadine for the rest of the season. (Only 4 more episodes!) Dashing takes an ample shot at Nadine's ample posterior and despite her umbrage, Dashing moves on.
Finally, AJ, whom Dashing tells is his favorite. AJ is looking very pretty tonight. Cole speculates that AJ's never kissed a boy. In Cole's world, everyone's a nerd who can't get any. AJ's is coy at first but when she places her hand on Dashing, the feel of her nails irritates his supple, well-moisturized skin. Dashing reaches into his coat pocket, retrieves a nail file, and starts filing her nails! Extraordinary. Fantastic. AJ is so turned on by the impromptu manicure that she throws herself onto Dashing and plants one on him like Lois Lane did to Clark Kent on Smallville a couple of weeks ago. Dashing declares AJ the winner! Good for AJ!
The scores are now: NADINE 3 AJ 2 KAITLYN 1 MAXINE 1
Our first shot of the announcers table shows us Cole is wearing a tuxedo shirt, perhaps the same tuxedo shirt Hacksaw Jim Duggan wore to the 1987 Slammy Awards. Cole also tries to impress Josh and us by claiming the Bellas are his date to the wedding.
Love is in the air! Backstage, AJ is basking in the glow of kissing Dashing and winning another elimination challenge, when Primo catches up to her because, he "has something to tell her." AJ says that there's something she wants to tell him too, and since it's elimination night (aww, so cute that AJ is pretending she could get eliminated) she might not get another chance. Whoa. AJ's never been so lusty before. They agree they need to find a room to share this secret mutual information and the first door they open finds The American Dream Dusty Rhodes with a Bella on each Clubberin' arm, if you will. Dusty's been around the block a few times, daddy, and he knows what it means when a man and a woman are looking for a private room, but this room is occupied. Dream then busts out his Desi Arnaz (get that reference, kids?) impression. Cole is crestfallen that the Bellas aren't his dates after all.
Alicia vs. Kelly Kelly in a RAW vs. Smackdown Divas Dream Match is our first and only match of the evening. It's the best match of the night! (Was there any other wrestling on anywhere on Tuesday night? No? Then this was the best match on Tuesday night!) The highlight of this epic showdown between A. Fox and K2 are Kelly's tiny blue shorts that rode up her lovely, lovely rear end. Cole points out her "Miss America outfit, I thought Halloween was last week". Kelly Kelly, who has never won a championship of any kind, evades Alicia's scissors kick and cleanly pins the former Undefined Divas Champion with an ugly K2 (Cole calls it a botch: "That hurts more ways than one!" but Josh retorts: "Just one.")
Backstage, AJ and Primo are still looking for a room and when they open the door to one, they find... KISSING! MAXINE KISSING HORNSWOGGLE! Aha! Just as nobody suspected, the lady doth protested too much! Maxine looks like the cat who ate the canary and claims, "It's not what it looks like! He's choking!" Yeah, on her tongue! I believe this makes Maxine the Morgan Proctor of NXT. (Google it.)
The Rookie Divas are all (minus Aksana, of course) back in the ring after commercial breaks for the second elimination Challenge: The Wedding Present Scramble. Here's a skill every sports entertainer needs to develop: The Rookie Divas must open a bunch of wedding presents to find a flag. The one who does is the winner. (NXT is appropriating challenge concepts from Double Dare now.) Kaitlyn asks Striker a question about what to do if they find the flag and Striker instructs "Just hold it up." Cole: "No, hide it!" This cracks Striker up and he starts rambling instead of just starting the challenge, which sets Cole off even more, as he speculates that if the producers of NXT were smart, the flag would be in the first present on top of the pile so this segment would go by quickly. Cole needn't have complained as the competition took mere seconds. Kaitlyn finds the (golden, nice touch) flag and wins the challenge! It was still a more successful Scramble than the Scramble matches Pat Patterson invented that WWE since abandoned.
There is no sweep, unfortunately, and Nadine retains her immunity with scores of:
NADINE 3 AJ 2 KAITLYN 2 MAXINE 1
As the crack NXT ring crew dresses the ring up for the nuptials - Cole bills it as "The wedding... of the night!" - AJ and Primo give up looking for a room and decide to just say what they need to say out in the hallway. They wonder why the wall next to them is shaking and when they look behind it they find... GASP! MORE KISSING! KAITLYN AND DOLPH ZIGGLER TONGUE WRESTLEMANIA! Dolph, by the way, is shirtless and dressed even more like a Chippendale Dancer than he was last week. All of these shenanigans are broadcast on the Titan Tron right above the judges row of chairs. Vickie storms to the back in a fury, and that's the exact right time for Big Dick Johnson (ID'd by Cole) and someone else to bring the wedding cake down the hallway. Vickie and Kaitlyn come to blows (but they were getting along so well the last couple of weeks!) and Kaitlyn wastes no time tossing the whole cake right into Vickie. The rule in wrestling that if a cake is introduced someone's face is going in was upgraded to Vickie wearing the cake.
And now, honored guests, it's what we've all been waiting for: The Wedding of the Night! (Better than the Shank of the Evening? We'll see.)
On the stage, the Pros who aren't caked in cake, Kelly, Alicia, Primo, and the Bellas are joined by the Rookies who aren't getting married, AJ, Kaitlyn, Maxine, and Nadine (who is the only one of her peers on the stage who didn't lock lips with anyone this whole night.) It doesn't seem like AJ and Primo ever got to say what was on their minds to each other or us, but I'm certain it's not so important it can't wait 7 days until they're on the Internet next.
Josh wonders aloud who the wedding coordinator is. Cole: "Johnny Ace!" Wow. Already a great wedding and no one's even drunk yet. There's also a lot of talk about the reception and Josh names a bunch of bands including Wang Chung before Cole speculates Fozzy** is playing the reception.
The Wedding Party is introduced:
Best Man (I presume): Dashing Cody Rhodes, brother of the groom. Father of the Groom: The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Ring Bearer: Hornswoggle (Should've been Ring Bearer: Paul Bearer)
There's a minister in the ring who doesn't seem to be wearing a latex mask and is too small in stature to be a wrestler. Cole said he looks like Al Wilson, but it's not Torrie's dead dad.
A SHATTERED DREAMS PRODUCTION (Hey, that was originally a dig on Dusty over 15 years ago, but you're used to it, right Virgil?) welcomes The Golden Groom: Goldust clad in black and gold tuxedo with the Million Dollar Championship over his shoulder.
I should point out Cole and Josh are completely out of control on commentary, even more than usual, shitting over everything and breaking kayfabe with almost every sentence. Josh: "You know this isn't a real wedding, right?" Cole: "It's fake?!"
And here comes the bride! The beautiful (not mail order) bride, Aksana, resplendent in a golden wedding dress.
The minister begins the ceremony and informs us the loving couple have written their own vows. Goldust tells Aksana that although their love is "bizarre and untraditional"... "you will never, ever forget the name of... Goldust!" How romantic!
Aksana's vows: "Goldust, thank you so much for saving me. From this day forward I promise to you love you just as much as I love this country! USA!! USA!! USA!! USA!" Hacksaw Jim Duggan has a tear in his eye, wherever he is. Glens Falls, New York, I presume, tough guy. Hooooo!
And now for that part that always ruins (or improves as in the case of when Trish Stratus interrupted Lita and Kane's wedding wearing that incredible white lingerie) these sports entertainment weddings: The minister asks if anyone objects and let them speak now or forever hold their peace. No one. Whew! Well, Minister objects! "Because everyone has a price!"
I COME FROM MONEY! Ted DiBiase arrives with Maryse (Even though they came to interrupt the wedding, they still got dressed up for it. Maryse looks magnifique in her black and white dress.) DiBiase told us all on RAW he'd be here tonight, and he brought INS Agent Nick Dikopopolous with him to deport Goldust's "mail order bride!" "Now give me back my Million Dollar Title!"
The Dream, daddy, takes the microphone because he knew something like this would happen. So the Dream "went to Rome then Mississippi" to find "a Southern Minister, on a log with a hound dog", and it's... NYAHAHAHAHAH! MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY! THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN TED DIBIASE! Cole and Josh remind us that the Million Dollar Man really is an odained minister. As Ted the Father struts past a shocked Ted the Son and enters the ring, Cole wonders aloud, "How could he stab his son in the back?! WWE is about family!"
The Million Dollar Man wastes no time to tell us why he's helping his son's greatest enemy: because "the look on your face is priceless!" YA BURNT! Not so fortunate a son anymore, Ted. The Million Dollar Man gets the "I Dos" from Goldust and Aksana and pronounces them man and wife. "You may now kiss the bride!" But Dusty steps in front of Goldust, screws over his son in a different way from how Ted did Ted, and kisses Aksana first!
When Goldust finally goes in to FINALLY kiss Aksana, she SLAPS HIS GOLDEN FACE and leaves! That Jezebel! Aksana only used him to stay in the country! And the US Government is fine with this! Cole: "Goldust will have to go back to the Internet tonight." He'll have to. GOLDUST'S DREAMS OF KISSING AKSANA WERE SHATTERED!
Normally, we'd be done after that shocker, but there's still the business of Elimination. Who's going home? Cole: "Can we all go home?" No, not for four more weeks. The NXT Faces of Rookie Divas Lottery plays on the Titan Tron until it lands on... Maxine. Maxine is eliminated. (Is Hornswoggle standing in a puddle of tears in the back?) As Alicia makes pouty faces the camera man makes sure to zoom in on extra tight, Maxine cuts a promo that ends with her promising (would you have it any other way?) that "I will be back... on top." Cole is livid, but really, he's the only one, because "Maxine was the best looking". As Josh defends the attractiveness of the remaining Rookie Divas, we bid golden dreams to the NXT audience for this week.
Well, that wedding was just about everything I wanted. Aksana turned heel to replace Maxine as the heel. Aksana won her right to remain in the United States, but she gave up her golden parachute of being Goldust's valet and she'll have to start actually winning elimination challenges now if she wants to win NXT altogether. Nadine sucks, she's terrible, she sucks, I want her gone, but she's still in the running. AJ and Kaitlyn are where they've always been, the front runners.
First Linda's defeat, now Goldust's wedding reception ruined. Two WWE affiliated celebration parties canceled on Tuesday night, November 2, 2010. But one thing's for sure: Vince McMahon is still brain dead.
** @IAmJericho Chris Jericho So sad that Aksana called off the wedding! Myself and the rest of Fozzy are hangin out at the Bridgeport Rec Hall with nothing to do...
(edited by John Orquiola on 2.11.10 2208) @BackoftheHead
Kaitlyn was waaaaaaaay too blonde tonight. I give her a couple weeks before it gets spiky cut and given the wet look.
It was weird - AJ was in the ring, then we'd go backstage to watch Primo and AJ, then AJ would be back in the ring again, and then Primo and AJ were backstage again. It's almost like they taped all these backstage bits and then forgot where in the format they would have to air them! The only thing that would have made it better is if they'd managed to air a backstage segment with AJ WHILE AJ was still out in the ring. (And for all we know, this actually happened - we'll keep an eye out for the live reports)
"Wasn't that Big Dick Johnson?" "Nah this guy's thinner...and sober"
Kaitlyn did attempt a second, more "passionate" kiss on Rhodes, but it was AAA'd when the director lingered on the reaction shot of Vickie. Kaitlyn's improv will be the death of her.
I know you skip the ads - and after the third "Knucklehead" ad I was right there with you (25 minutes of bonus features on the Blu-ray!) - but tonight's "Stand Up for WWE" feature about how every WWE superstar is the son of a former WWE superstar was really ... innnnteresting. Also, it featured Goldust without makeup! We'll probably see it on Smackdown, I bet, unless... now that the Election is over, this whole thing will magically fnar fnaaaar fnar
"Have you ever seen a more beautiful bride?" "(dead serious) Yes. My wife, on our wedding night." Michael Cole may play the fool, but he is no fool.
So did Josh catch that bouquet or what?
That's all I can remember to add.
EDIT: Oh AND I think you all owe me an apology for not recognising that they really wanted to screw Naomi out of her immunity, except they forgot to put the flag in a box right in front of AJ after she won the kissin' challenge.
Originally posted by John OrquiolaAlicia vs. Kelly Kelly in a RAW vs. Smackdown Divas Dream Match is our first and only match of the evening. It's the best match of the night! (Was there any other wrestling on anywhere on Tuesday night? No? Then this was the best match on Tuesday night!)
NWA Hollywood #5 was posted Tuesday night! I am going to go out on a limb and say that EVERY match on that show will be better than tonight's Alicia/Kelly Kelly match. (Okay, MAYBE one will be AS bad.)
Devastated by the Aksana turn. I liked her so much as a babyface who called him "Golddest" and gave her my all-important endorsement under those auspices. Now she's just Maryse Deux, or один. I guess there are worse things to be.
It's lonely at The Top. RIP Maxine. We are now Top-less.
Jericho watches NXT on the internet? The man has taste. You gotta follow the product when you're out or this business will leave you in the dust.
Cody and Ted tonight = blowoff of the 1.5-year-long Legacy angle.
I can't believe there are only four weeks left. Time is an ocean, it ends at the shore.
Originally posted by CRZEDIT: Oh AND I think you all owe me an apology for not recognising that they really wanted to screw Naomi out of her immunity, except they forgot to put the flag in a box right in front of AJ after she won the kissin' challenge
I was onto this scheme. They would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for Agent Dipapalapakous. They also wouldn't have had to bother if they hadn't unfairly awarded her limbo. This is like Austin/McMahon meets Slumdog Millionaire.
Here's how I would've booked the wedding: "The bond that Goldust and Aksana had is sacred, and that will never change. It doesn't matter if it lasts fifty years, sixteen months, or ... three minutes." [minister takes his face off to reveal Brie] [Cody takes his face off to also reveal Brie] [BELLA TWINS DESTROY THE WEDDING AND BEAT UP ALL THE RHODES]
Originally posted by JustinShapiroHere's how I would've booked the wedding: "The bond that Goldust and Aksana had is sacred, and that will never change. It doesn't matter if it lasts fifty years, sixteen months, or ... three minutes." [minister takes his face off to reveal Brie] [Cody takes his face off to also reveal Brie] [BELLA TWINS DESTROY THE WEDDING AND BEAT UP ALL THE RHODES]
Awesome. And it bears repeating again, that Bischoff reveal at the Chuck/Billy wedding was really one of the best genuine surprises in wrestling history.
I haven't been following NXT since it left TV out of protest to AJ's treatment of John and won't watch another full episode until she accepts his 360 friend request, but I did make an exception and watched the (awkwardly cut) wedding segments and the elimination, in case there was any follow-up to the Yak Turn.
And to hear whether Maxine would get in one last "...on top!" That she did, and built to it the way that she did, makes me think that poor Maxine has just been subtly playing to the Internet audience all this time, and we were all too dense to realize it in comparison to AJ's blatant pandering. Just proves that nobody ever lost a WWE talent contest underestimating the intelligence of the WWE Universe.
Anyway, the wedding. Frankly, I think my "Razor Ramon returns to make amends to Goldust" booking from last week was the ideal way to go, especially considering how this ended up being kind of a let down. I was, however, impressed by the depth of character on display by Cody. He's evil, and Ted Jr. is his former partner, but you could tell by the way he threw his arms out and was all "What the what?" when Ted Jr. bought of the minister that he was not down with these shenanigans. He genuinely wanted to see his brother's wedding through. This officially makes him the second most complex WWE character behind Zack Ryder.
Dusty's solution to the problem was surprisingly well thought-out and logical, given Ted Sr.'s punchline, but I was hoping he would break out one of Dick Murdoch's old captain's hats and perform the ceremony himself.
Who else would be legally qualified to perform an emergency wedding in wrestling, anyway? I'm thinking maybe Brother Love, Tugboat, Judge Jeff Jones, Christopher Daniels...maybe Beefcake as The Mariner? Friar Ferguson? The Jackyl could have had some kind of religious certification. Edited to add: Of course, I forgot the two most obvious potential wedding celebrants: Captain Mike Rotunda and Reverend Slick, who likely held Doctorates in both Style and Theology.
Exchange of the night (of the three segments I watched): [The Raw Lottery Computer fires up for elimination] Josh: Cole, right now, WHO GETS ELIMINATED?! Cole: Who CARES?! (Josh cracks up) Cole: I'm calling my wife! Josh: Tell her I said hi...She'll know what it means. (Josh and Cole both lose their shit and start laughing)
Just watched wedding part deux at wwe.com and it was glorious. MD still has that laugh down to a tee. Hell, Dusty doing his impression of the southern Baptist preacher on how he searched down Ted Sr. should have been enough to qualify him to do the nuptuals. Poor Dustin on not tapping that. Of course the marriage was for realz!!!!! Boo on you, Josh. Boooooooo on you.
Originally posted by Dr UnlikelyI haven't been following NXT since it left TV out of protest to AJ's treatment of John and won't watch another full episode until she accepts his 360 friend request
Your protest is clearly for a good cause but ultimately you're only hurting yourself. NXT 3 is precisely the sort of programming that John Logie B had in mind when he set about making the whole cathode ray thing. If he didn't think such brilliance was possible he probably wouldn't have bothered. Except that it's not on TV any more, but you get my point.
The wedding was everything anyone could have hoped for and completely worth my weekly tour of the internets and subsequent breaking of work IT policies to track down. I shall miss this show so when it goes.
Originally posted by Matt TrackerShe done went Baby Doll on Dustin! The Rhodes luck with women continues. "Wimmens is dev'lish" is a rule of wrestling along with "to be the man, you gotta beat the man" and "everybody has a price."
Originally posted by odessasteps I wonder if Aksana was turned heel, since they were going to vote off Maxine and she was only heel left.
Originally posted by me in NXT recap Aksana turned heel to replace Maxine as the heel. Aksana won her right to remain in the United States, but she gave up her golden parachute of being Goldust's valet and she'll have to start actually winning elimination challenges now if she wants to win NXT altogether.
Originally posted by odessasteps jericho followed up the show with this text
So sad that Aksana called off the wedding! Myself and the rest of Fozzy are hangin out at the Bridgeport Rec Hall with nothing to do...
Originally posted by me in NXT recap There's also a lot of talk about the reception and Josh names a bunch of bands including Wang Chung before Cole speculates Fozzy** is playing the reception.
** @IAmJericho Chris Jericho So sad that Aksana called off the wedding! Myself and the rest of Fozzy are hangin out at the Bridgeport Rec Hall with nothing to do...
Originally posted by odessasteps Aksana = Jezebel ~!
Originally posted by me in NXT recap When Goldust finally goes in to FINALLY kiss Aksana, she SLAPS HIS GOLDEN FACE and leaves! That Jezebel!
Great minds think alike, but maybe one great mind should read the other great mind's recaps?