This was possibly the greatest night of television in WWE history.
Excuse me! We start off with Vickie Guerrero and Kaitlyn. Does Vickie even have music for Kaitlyn to come out to?
Cole marks out for Vickie, referring to her as the Billie Jean King of NXT, the "awesome" Vickie Guerrero.
Vickie informs us that since Kaitlyn embarrassed her last week, she's brought Dolph Ziggler in to give the show a touch of class.
"Why is Vickie Guerrero a pro?" asks Josh, as the team makes it's way down to the ring. "Why are you an announcer?" counters Cole.
Primo & AJ come down to the ring for a mixed tag match with Primo indicating he's working face with a acrobatic ring entrance.
AJ and Primo vs Kaitlyn and Dolph Ziggler The men start things off and Primo might be the most fired up I've ever seen him. He quickly gets the advantage, causing Dolph to tag out to Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn comes in and mocks AJ by... doing the robot? Cole informs us that AJ was homeless for three years. "Did you say she was homeless?" asks Josh. "And if this keeps up, she'll be homeless again in about 3 weeks," responds Cole.
Cole informs us, snidely, that if AJ were to win a million dollars, she would donate it all to a "homeless shelter for dogs". Josh comments that he has a tear in his eye and that it's a great story.
"That suit you're wearing should bring a tear to your eye," remarks Michael Cole. "YOU'RE WEARING A TWEED JACKET!" retorts Matthews. "They don't pay me enough to sit out here and call this stupid show, that's why I wear a tweed jacket."
The girls go back and forth, doesn't seem to be much of a flow but nobody botches any moves, either. AJ hits a flying crossbody which causes Kaitlyn to tag out to Ziggler.
Ziggler immediately flies across the ring and knocks Primo off the apron, allowing him to stalk AJ. She tries to get around him to make the unnecessary tag but Ziggler repeatedly cuts her off. She responds by slapping him in the face hard, three times.
Primo springboards into the ring with a double karate chop to the clavicle and then goes crazy with the aerial offense. Can we please get a 10 minute Primo/Kaval Superstars match? Finish comes when Primo misses a corner splash and Dolph immediately hits the Zig Zag for the win.
Afterward, Kaitlyn celebrates her first win, including hugging Dolph, Vickie looks on dismayed before stomping off to the back. "I may need to go console Vickie," remarks Cole, "something is bothering her." "That tweed jacket is bothering me," notes Josh.
A video package of Maxine airs. Apparently she's Spanish, Cuban, Italian, Hawaiian and Chinese. That must have been a bitch to write on her census form. She has a degree in criminology and was an investigator for a state attorney.
A commercial for Smackdown on SyFy airs that shows various Smackdown superstars doing their finishing moves in slow motion. The highlight? Rey Mysterio doing the 619 on a stripper pole.
Time for the Joke Off! (Is that name PG?) Each potential diva gets to tell a joke and the live audience will vote on who wins.
AJ: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. (Note, the crowd is already booing her at this point.) They run into a barn and each hides in a potato sack. The cops come in and kick the first sack and the brunette says "Woof!". They kick the second sack and the redhead says "Meow!". They kick the third sack and the blonde says "Potato!". The crowd shits all over AJ.
Aksana tells her joke in Lithuanian but then translates it into English. "What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45lbs." Crowd doesn't like that one either, though Cole & Matthews give her props.
Jamie is actually smart enough to engage the crowd, asking them for help with her knock knock joke. "Knock Knock." The crowd actually provides her with the "Who's there?" "AJ" "AJ who?" the crowd helpfully supplies. Jamie says she can't hear them and climbs up in the corner to request more noise. "Knock Knock". "Who's there?" the crowd asks, more noisily. "Aksana". "Aksana who?" "Exactly!" I don't much care for Jamie but I'll give her credit for actually knowing how to work a wrestling crowd. Cole calls the WWE Universe idiots for actually getting louder when Jamie asked them to.
Naomi: What do you call a dog with no legs? It don't matter what you call him cuz he ain't gonna come. Cole: I want Naomi to win every competition so this show ends earlier.
Maxine states that there are 5 jokes in the ring with her but decides to single out AJ. She pulls a $20 bill from her bra, hands it to AJ and instructs her to go get her some thin mints from the concession stand. AJ seems to botch tearing the money up and throws it in her face and they start to brawl. Cole calls Striker a buzzkill for stopping the fight.
Kaitlyn also has a knock knock joke to target AJ and asks AJ nicely to play along. "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "KGB" "KGB who?" "KGBfjia;dfj" Kaitlyn botches the punchline (which I assume was supposed to be "KGBeat me?" referring to the fact that she'd just beat AJ.) and AJ slaps her and another brawl ensues.
When Striker restores order again, he has the crowd vote and Jamie is the only one who doesn't get booed.
Suddenly a gong sound starts to ring out repeatedly and Michael Cole is shown beating a gong that stands next to the announce table. "Every one of you would-be divas should be gonged. Matt Striker should be gonged. Every one of you who bought a ticket to watch this stuff should be gonged. Except for myself and Josh Matthews, everyone here should be gonged!" Cole continues to beat the gong while Josh throws it to commercial.
We come back with Jamie and Aksana already in the ring for their match, but their pros (The Bellas and Goldust respectively) get their entrances. Cole wants to know why they gave up Jamie as the ring announcer in exchange for Tony Chimmel.
Josh notes that Jamie has always dreamed of being a WWE Diva. "That dream is about to come to an end," states Cole. He then asks why, if the Bella Twins and Vickie Guerrero can be pros, why can't he and Josh Matthews be pros on the next season? Josh agrees that it's a great idea and states that his "team" would be Cole's. Nothing worth noting in the match, other than Jamie does briefly work Aksana's arm in a way that suggests that she might actually know something about storytelling as well. Aksana misses a corner charge, allowing Jamie to roll her up from behind for the victory. I can't even be bothered to go back and put up the header for the match.
A video package airs for Naomi. She was not only a dancer in the NBA, she was a Dunkin' Dancer, which means she did trampoline dunks during the halftime show.
Next up is the obstacle course, but first Michael Cole informs us that you can catch a replay of the show on WWE.com tonight (9/15). He can't even keep a straight face while suggesting that anyone would want to watch a replay of the show. Josh points out that the replay on the site will involve a chat with Joey Styles. "Who?" "Joey Styles." "He still works here? Oh my God!"
Kaitlyn and Dolph are backstage and Kaitlyn is again expressing her enthusiasm over her first victory. Vickie shows up and asks Kaitlyn to excuse them for a moment. Kaitlyn starts to leave but stops to thank Dolph for his help one last time. "I SAID EXCUSE ME." Vickie asks Dolph what that (the celebration) was all about and Dolph says that Kaitlyn was just excited about her first victory. Vickie informs him that if it ever happens again, he'll lose all of *this*, while shaking her body and running her hands up and down it. Dolph looks... I'm not really sure how Dolph looks. Thinking back even to when Michelle McCool was trying to get compromising pictures of herself and Dolph so as to ruin his relationship with Maria, I seem to recall that Dolph has no-sold every sexual come-on that has come his way.
Okay, now it's time for the obstacle course. Josh states that the show has been amazing so far. "Did you just refer to this show as amazing?" "It has been absolutely amazing. Riveting!" The obstacle course is identical to the one used in season two, except the equipment cart at the very end is tiny.
Kaitlyn is up first but before she can begin, Vickie Guerrero is out once again. Since Kaitlyn embarrassed her last week and used her boyfriend to pick up the victory this week, she wants to demonstrate to her how to run the obstacle course with perfection, so that she doesn't screw it up.
Vickie spends a minute or more stretching and meditating in preparation for the run, cutting of Striker repeatedly as he tries to start the countdown. Finally, she's ready and he says go. She actually makes it through the tires, already doing better than 90% of the people probably expected. She gets over the first two walls easily, fails in her first attempt to jump over the third barricade but manages it on her second attempt. Cole wisely notes that she's already doing better than some of the Season 2 rookies at this point. She comes to the pushup box and actually does the 10 pushups... probably better than I can. She makes it down the balance beam on her first try but then intentionally trips and falls on the padding before making it to the ramp. She then throws a tantrum, bursts into tears and runs backstage. Had she actually attempted to complete the course, she would have done so in less than a minute, so apparently Vickie Guerrero is in much better shape than her.. shape, would imply.
Kaitlyn is the first competitor to attempt the obstacle course. She makes it through the tires and barricades with no problems, then somersaults into the pushup box. She hits the pushups and makes it across the beam on her first try and then has no problem shoving the cart up the ramp, actually jumping on top and riding it across the finish line in 36.5 seconds.
Aksana is up next. She doesn't encounter any problems on the course and her pushups are... undulating?... she finishes in 37.7 seconds, though, just behind Kaitlyn.
AJ is the third competitor on the course. She does fine until the pushups. First her feet are out of the box, so she has to scoot forward, then she's not going down far enough. This costs her and she finishes in 46 seconds even. (It has to be a rib that they constantly put Cone in as the ref on the pushups.)
Maxine is flying through the course until she falls off the beam and has to start over. She finishes in 39.1 seconds and probably would have won if she hadn't lost her balance.
Jamie also does well on the course but peters out pushing the cart up the ramp and finishes in 36.8 seconds, only 3/10ths of a second behind Kaitlyn.
At this point, Cole goes on a rant about how last night he called Cena & Orton in a tables match but now he has to sit though this.
Naomi is the final competitor. "Only one more?" asks Cole. "Good." She skips the first tire and is screwed right off the bat, having to redo them, she then has to redo her pushups for not going down far enough. She finishes in 57.4 seconds and probably wouldn't have even beaten Vickie had Vickie finished.
Vickie comes back out, happy now, to celebrate Kaitlyn's victory. The gong starts going off again. "This is ridiculous. This whole show is ridiculous. It violates everything about my journalistic integrity. I was a war correspondent, now I have to cover this! I'm done. I'm done with you (points to Josh) and I'm done with this entire show." With this, Cole walks off to a mild chant of Na Na Na Na. He stops at the top of the ramp to applaud Vickie Guerrero and then walks to the back to end the show.
(According to Wikipedia, Cole spent 9 months covering the Yugoslavian civil war, as well as the Branch Davidian seige and the Oklahoma City Bombing, so he's apparently not just making that up.)
I... don't even know what to say about this show. I was highly entertained but mostly by the fact that Cole & Matthews were treating it like their own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000. I'm wondering if Cole isn't going to be revealed as the GM of RAW and somehow claim that he has the power to boot NXT off the air if it is, indeed, going off before the end of the season. Either way, I can't wait to see what happens next week.
Originally posted by InVerseThis was possibly the greatest night of television in WWE history.
Oh hell yeah!
God in Heaven, do I love Michael Cole. Fuck this! Fuck NXT! Fuck everything! This is garbage! These Divas suck! I like Kaitlyn! I miss Miz! Cole says pretty much everything I'm thinking.
Almost everyone made AJ the butt of their jokes. Is it because they hate the homeless? Two pull apart brawls! Why does everyone hate AJ? Even the fans don't really care for AJ. I know why: She tries too hard. Bubbly and bouncy worked for Christy, it worked for Mickie. For AJ, not so much.
Aksana is Marlena 2.0. She should walk off the show with Cole and join Goldust on Superstars forever and ever. "Aksana is fluent in three languages!" None of them English.
I think I momentarily lapsed into a waking coma when Maxine was talking about herself during her video package. Also, straight hair or curly? Pick one!
Naomi BOMBED it. Completely bombed it on the obstacle course. I loved the fan (or was it Cole?) who yelled "CHEATER!" while she was doing the pushups. And she was absolutely cheating; she wasn't going all the way down. (Ahem.)
This competition - and my heart - belongs to Kaitlyn. She's spectacular. No matter what Vickie says or does, she goes along with it. She killed on the obstacle course. She almost decapitated AJ with her clothesline. And she's actually the prettiest of the bunch. I <3 you, Kaitlyn!
Brilliant recap, InVerse. You captured much of what made the show great, especially with the Cole and Mathews quotes.
GONG! GONG! GONG!
(edited by John Orquiola on 15.9.10 0807) @BackoftheHead
Originally posted by El NastioIf you're actually serious about this being the commentary you have provided us all a great service with the transcribing.
For the most part, that was word for word. I even went back to the DVR at one point to verify one of my horribly scrawled shorthand notes.
Originally posted by John Orquiola This competition - and my heart - belongs to Kaitlyn. She's spectacular. No matter what Vickie says or does, she goes along with it. She killed on the obstacle course. She almost decapitated AJ with her clothesline. And she's actually the prettiest of the bunch. I <3 you, Kaitlyn!
I concur. While I don't hate any of the other competitors, Kaitlyn is the only one that I would actually want to see on a long term basis. Especially if they let her be herself. I could see LayCool tearing into Kaitlyn with fat jokes (she does have almost Mark Henry-like thighs, not that that's a bad thing) and Kaitlyn responding by sitting on LayCool. I also have a suspicion that Kaitlyn has the ability to do an awesome John Cena parody.
And yes, that clothesline was brutal. I'm pretty sure it made JBL flinch. We really need to get some Divas vs Rookie matches so we can see how well some of these girls can actually go. Except none of the pros on the show can actually go. Maybe Jillian or Melina could make a guest appearance next week?
Originally posted by El NastioYou have to be joking that the commentary was like that. If you're actually serious about this being the commentary you have provided us all a great service with the transcribing.
I must see this episode after work STAT!!!111!1!!1
Oh, he pretty much got it verbatim. Hopefully Cole has to come back next week because he's "contractually obligated" and shits all over it every week. Every NXT ending with Cole storming off. Plz.
Originally posted by InVerseAksana tells her joke in Lithuanian but then translates it into English. "What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45lbs."
I am *outraged* that she didn't use kilograms.
It is the policy of the documentary crew to remain true observers and not interfere with its subjects. "Well. Shit." -hansen9j Let's Go Riders! (6-4, 2nd West Division) Go Pack Go! (1-0, T-1st NFC North)
Originally posted by John OrquiolaAlmost everyone made AJ the butt of their jokes. Is it because they hate the homeless? Two pull apart brawls! Why does everyone hate AJ? Even the fans don't really care for AJ. I know why: She tries too hard. Bubbly and bouncy worked for Christy, it worked for Mickie. For AJ, not so much.
I think it's because they all hate REAL BOOBS.
What an amazing trainwreck of a show...Cole crapping all over their own product is a sight to behold. As well as his magical ability to summon a gong out of thin air.
"Unless you did something unspeakable with a cactus, 'Shaqtus' is not a real word." - Santino Marella
Originally posted by thecubsfan THIS would be interesting subtle plot setup. I don't know where they'd actually go with it.
Maybe that explains why, until Vickie got involved, Dolph repeatedly came close to winning the IC title but always failed. He liked to be on the bottom. But now that he's involved with Vickie, he's afraid to be on the bottom and that has lead to him picking up his first championship.
On a related note, Lance Storm (who apparently was Dolph Ziggler's first trainer) recently plugged Ziggler's younger brother (who's training in OVW)'s book.
Originally posted by Lance Storm "If you are interested in checking out Ryan’s book it is called, “I Can Make Out with Any Girl Here” [...] Like I said earlier, I have never met Ryan but if he is anything like his brother I can only assume that this book is not autobiographical and is in fact a HUGE work of fiction.
Originally posted by Spiraling_ShapeWhat an amazing trainwreck of a show...Cole crapping all over their own product is a sight to behold. As well as his magical ability to summon a gong out of thin air.
Now I have an urge to go dig up the clip of Heidenreich reading poetry to Michael Cole and insert some gong sounds...
We haven't had such bizarreness since the original Diva Search, which featured such lines as "My ass is....HUNGRY!!!" And something I can't type out at work, but you can work out the missing parts (C**-Guzzling Gutter-S***).
If only there had been a gong and a cranky Cole/Matthews combo during the Diva Searches.
Usually, Vince likes to hide his contempt for his audience, but this show....well, I still think it's kind of a bad business move to break THAT slice of kayfabe, but what the heck do I know...I'm just a critic. ;-)
Originally posted by InVerseCole & Matthews were treating it like their own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000.
That is absolutely the best way to describe this show.
>Cole crapping all over their own product is a sight to behold. As well as his magical ability to summon a gong out of thin air.<
I thought I had missed something when Cole started beating on that gong. I was wondering where the hell did it come from and why was it there. Maybe he will bring it to RAW and it can be his "tantrum gong". Or he can use it to announce incoming GM emails.
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." - Winston Churchill
So Styles questions Cole on a statement/joke about homelessness and then jokes about Cole being thrown down a shaft AND jokes about Cole's time covering a WAR. I call bad form on Styles.
As for the NXT show itself, this is the best show on TV. As long as Vince doesn't blow up the show between now and next Tuesday, I seriously cannot wait for next week.
"Put on your helmets, we'll be reaching speeds of 3!" "It was nice of you to give that dead woman another chance." "All right, look alive everybody...oh sorry Susan."- MST3K: Space Mutiny Click Here (myspace.com)
Oh how bad was this show let me count the ways. BR(et)OCK screwed BR(et)OCK, face gets arrested, Aunt Flow, Moolah, Torrie destroys Dawn again, BBP destroys only interesting cruiserwieght, Big Show still champ.