Let me get this out of the way right at the beginning: Brian Lee is now the gayest looking wrestler ever. When last we saw Brian Lee, he was a stocky biker guy stinking up ECW, WCW, WWF etc. Since then he’s toned up his body and looks like a creepier John Basedow. John Basedow would look at Brian Lee and go “WOW that guys FLAMING!”.
Lee has this really slim waist and toned body combined with a lush mane of hair now. Undertaker’s best man looks more feminine than Undertaker’s wife. Well that doesn’t really say much. Lets put it this way, I was recently watching an old Global match where the team of Rip Rogers and Scotty the Body beat down on Chaz…..all of them looked more manly than current Brian Lee. Its not just the slim waist, but the gaunt face and girly lips..its creepy. You could give Billy Gunn breast implants, surgically remove his cock and put him in pantyhose…Brian Lee would still look more effeminate.
Allan Funk is wearing a dress and a tiara and Brian Lee still looks gayer. He looks gayer than all the Pena towel boys combined. He doesn’t look so much like a muscular stripper/leather boy in the Los Warriors/Gronda model. Gronda looks like he might be tough and has lived a hard life that has forced him to become the play thing of wealthy male patrons. Brian Lee more has the look of like a third generation Yale student who’s really into “muscle culture” kind of gay guy. Muscular gay guy who is a pussy.
When this promotion started up I wrote about the Rainbow Express group, which the TNA press releases were trying to put across as being “controversial”: “”-Bah! Gay jokes may have been edgy pre 9/11. But post 9/11 that kind of joke is really safe and comfortable. It feels like something Milton Berle would do and Red Buttons would laugh at..There is no “edgy”ness to it anymore. It won’t start water cooler talk anymore. I would hope your aiming your product at an audience hipper and younger than Berle and Buttons” And I mentioned that post MTV real world, gay doesn’t automatically guarantee heel heat.
But I’ve now changed my mind. The Brian Lee as gay Yale body builder has changed everything. Package Funk and Lee together as “the Skull and Bones” and you have found the way to do post 9/11 edgy gay jokes. See post 9/11, gays in dresses=not edgy. Implying that a former and current president were involved in a hoimosexual fraternity=edgy. If we can only learn one thing from the amazing continued success of the Simpsons; let it be that Yale jokes always guarantee laughs. C’mon Russo there are a million skulling and boner jokes you can do. Have Lee do long speeches about “perversity” being a privelege of the ruling class, and that he wouldn’t let the soiled working class cocks of the Nashville fairgrounds soil his patrician crack. Have him imply that our current Commander and Chief snorted lines of coke off Lee’s aristocratic cock. This will GUARANTEE water cooler talk.
Leak a press release about this gimmick to Dan Patrick and Les Kinsolving, and you’re guaranteed that Ari Fleisher will end up having to say something about it. C’mon I read your defense of putting the belt on Arquette. You think Costner is impressive?---this would equal mainstream publicity from ARI FLEISHER FREE OF CHARGE. It’d be better than Arquette publicity stunt, you wouldn’t just be on the front page of USA Today. You’d be on the top half of the front page. “Where are you going to get that kind of publicity?”. C’mon Russo this kind of stunt is tailor made for your “talents”. Imagine the publicity, the number of extra buys. Mcmahon isn’t ballsy enough to run this angle. This will prove your genius to all those who’ve questioned you. C’mon Russo don’t be such a sissy, put out the press release…you know you want to.
You need to move on this now, before Pena puts the AAA title on him.
Now that that’s out of my system, on to the show review:
-BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG~!!- Ok first two shows had Jackie Fargo as lead face in commissioner role. Then things fell apart as they couldn’t find a lead face to replace Fargo. If you can’t use Jackie Fargo, The Georgia JawJacker is a great substitute.
Bob takes a stiff chair shot like a champ..while Bullet is handcuffed (I was shocked that Russo didn’t have Bullet crucified to a cage but I guess we’ll have to wait on the crucifixion of Bullet)….I was screaming for the Rock N Roll Express run in to clean house.
They really should eventually put the NWA title on Bullet. Bullet can do all the stuff that Michaels did in that self-aggrandizing hagiography disguised as a wrestling match on Sunday. People creamed over that match. Imagine their response to Bob working the same kind of match since Bob actually has offense too. Bob beats Jeff cleanly, leading to Bob vs. K Krush, leading to that NWA title run that was promised him back in February of 77.
With September 11th coming, the Fighting Fireman is perfect as your lead face. He leaned way into the chair shots and knows how to work this role to perfection. He needs more mic time.
-STEVE ARMSTRONG AS BULLET!- I have mixed emotions about this. I haven’t seen Bullet Bob work since 2000. In 2000 he was willing to take all the bumps that Steve did in this match and threw far stiffer chops, and did the neat back fist/uppercut thing that only Bob can do. The bumps look more vicious when Bob is taking them just because he’s older (much the way the slapstick in the later Stooges movies “Have Rocket will Travel”, etc comes across far darker just because they’re old guys stiffing each other).
On the other hand, I really like Steve a lot and it’s nice to see him return to the ring. Steve is the flashiest of the Armstrongs. I’m not sure if the Bullet guise may not play to his strengths as I don’t think this was as good as the Steve vs. Jarrett match fromWCWSN from October 96 9of course back then Jarrett was using a slingshot suplex and neckbreaker instead of the shitty stroke).
I also kind of really like the angle of Steve donning the Bullet mask. I assume this will lead eventually to Bullet donning the Dixie Dynamite mask in a “Child is the father to the man” type angle. I kind of always like that angle. It’s an angle that plays as major theme in Jack Kirby’s fourth world comics. The son redeems the father who redeems himself by making himself the son in a reverse initiation story. Telling that story with the Armstrongs, kind of removes it from the New Gods, Brian Wilson, Iron John annoying 60s hippy baggage: the “we are children of the future, wonder what we are going to do” kind of crap where personal redemption is part of a package of hippy world transformation. Using the Armstrongs puts the story more of a Faulknerian package, where redemption doesn’t lead to world transformation, instead redemption leads to ability to endure.
-Kobain/Slash vs. Storm/Harris- The four-way that led to this match was a mess and will go on the bottom side. There was no reason, not to run two tag matches instead of this clusterfuck. But once the match was down to two teams, it was a good tag match. Harris stinks. But Storm continues to be fun. But most importantly: KOBAIN AND SLASH~!!!
KOBAIN AND SLASH~! Finally they let Wolfie D on the mic, welcome to the “WOMB OF HELL”. Why did they waste their time with Mitchell, when they had Slash mic work all along? Plus Flash Flannagan as heroin abuser was great, “I want to overdose on my own pain”! Flash decides to kind of wrestle like Onryu as part of his suicidal junkie gimmick and its great. Slash is his normal greatness, WHIRLY BIRD! and bumping like a champ throughout. And I have to respect both guys for refusing to bump for the Harris/Brian Lee post match run in. “We’ll bump for these Hot Shot guys, but we ain’t wasting our bodies for you turds”.
I want to see Slash/Kobain vs. Hot Shots in a regular tag match RIGHT NOW. Fuck Slash/Kobain vs. Backseats in a tag, vs SATS in a tag. SLASH/KOBAIN!!
FLASH FLANNAGAN/WOLFIE D~! BAYBEE!!!
-SAT entrance music- YOWZA! It was a beautiful sunset over Catalina Island. Vince Russo’s unibrow was gently brushing against Brian Lee’s smooth skin. The mix tape that Borash had made them for this “special weekend” was playing in the background. Somewhere between the carefully selected Little River Band and Rupert Holmes deep cuts, JB slipped on this little piece of faux Giorgio Moroder does breezy smooth jazz. Russo’s finger rubbed the last drips of semen off his gums and then used it to lovingly trace a heart around Lee’s goatee. Vinie said “ Yeah Borash was right, that’s the perfect entrance music for those Latino boys, so strong and robust.” Brian just sat there, his shit-eating grin breaking up the curves of the hart.
-Low-Ki /AJ Styles/ Jerry Lynn Triple Ladder match- Fuck shit this was fun! A fine match to end a promotion on. In a promotion filled with three ways, four ways, etc…this was the only one I really liked.
It should be pointed out at this point that both Styles and Lynn had already worked approximately 30 minutes that night with two garbage matches and another ten-minute match. Yep they get to do three garbage matches in one night. Yeah, and you thought Heyman didn’t care about the health of his workers.
Styles works stiff and finally hits his springboard death drop move (a move that he has blown on every single TNA show up to now). Styles also pegs the fuck out of Lynn, throwing the ladder into the ring. Low-Ki sells his back better than Shawn Michaels as Ki continues to sell it while on offense. Lynn looks smoother than he has in a while.
I really liked the early section where Styles and Ki exchanged chops and headbutts while using the ladder like a scaffold. Shades of Jerry Jarrett vs. Don Greene. The bump that ended that section was suitably nasty.
Unlike every other X-games match, the nasty bumps weren’t killed by no-selling and pop-ups. Lynn and Styles refused to insult the live audiences intelligence and continued to sell fatigue from earlier. Ki took enough nasty bumps to be equally weakened. The finish was really nice as Styles’ death bump was teased, avoided and then when it happened it was sold like a death bump…eliminating him from the match story. The death move delivered to Low-Ki was a death move and sold as such. Both guys were out and Styles believably was able to climb ladder to victory.
In a fed filled with shitty x-matches, this one delivered. In a fed filled with shitty finishes for title matches, this was a good finish. A nice match for the fed to go out with.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK:
-Where is the Sista from the local hooters??- This camera work made the new cage dancer look like she had a cock. Why is the cameraman focusing on the cage dancers’ package? Did they hire Brian Lee’s rent boy to do camera work? Or does the cage dancer actually have a cock? Is Brian Lee now in charge of casting dancers?
Brian Lee walks into Jarretts office. Lee :“listen Jerry , I think the problem is the cage dancers. No one wants to see a woman’s privates…they’re icky. We should get one of those chixs with dixs, man. It’s like the best of both worlds. You have me and Ron squash all the tag teams and put a dancer with a large package in the cage—this fed will start making money, I tell you” Jarrett too distracted to pay attention to what’s happening to his promotion: “yeah, yeah, go ahead”
-Every mic segment that didn’t involve Slash, Kobain, Krush, Jarrett or Bob- Blazing bullfrogs was there some shitty mic work on this show. Siaki doing the Rocky stuff on the mic sucks, plus why is he doing the shitty shoot on Hogan jokes. Amateurish. The other Elvises interview was equally bad. At least Estrada had a nice afropick. Monte Brown non Armstrong William’s promo work sucks. Brian Christopher was stuck with one of those really shitty Russoish promos where a lot of things are being said and laid out in promo that make no sense and relate to nothing…but “Hey look there’s a lot of things going on, I’m a super-genius booker”. I’m guessing that the big MYSTERY that Brian Christopher will never get to reveal is who attacked Stane Lane on the last WXO show.
-Monte Brown vs. Sonny Siaki- Bull-chips in your cereal, was this ever HORRID!! Siaki’s worst match in TNA. Maybe worse than any of his WCW and UWA stuff too. This was backyard wrestling.
Monte Brown had horrible chops, his punches sucked cock, he had the worst Sting Splash ever, a so shitty it was almost comic back elbow and everything he did looked sloppy and untrained. Otis Sistrunk 2K2 even blew a CHINLOCK!! Yep the worst reverse chinlock I’ve ever seen. How do you blow a chinlock?
Siaki’s bumps didn’t look good and everything in this match was UGLY. Added to that, this went on forever and there was a really crappy finish. I was praying for Jarrett to run in and chairshot both guys to put this match to death. No such luck.
-Tag four way elimination- Yuck! This was bad. All four of these teams can actually work tag matches, why waste them in this kind of spotfest. Kashmere looked ok here, but the Backseats were really the least of these teams. Cassidey O Reilly was great. He hits a really nice dive and chops the fuck out of Kashmere. Kashmere also hits a nice dive. Trent Acid looked bad. Chase’s dive looked like attempted suicide. Harris continues to have horrid punches and do the shitty WWE bulldog. Slash/ Kobain ruled but this was a mess until it turned into a straight tag match .
Trent Acid and Kashmere did both bump huge for the John Basedow/Ron Harris run in at the end.
-SATS vs Elvises- This was just a mess. Everyone did stuff and there was no semblance of tag story or any story. The double Asai was nice, but so what.
Also what in fuck are the SATS wearing? What is that material? It looked like they were wearing Easter basket plastic. How many Cadburry Cream Eggs did Borash have to smash against Brian Lee’s thighs to get enough colored cellophane to make these outfits?
-Bruce v. April Hunter- Jumping jar of jellied jaguars, this was dog shit. I hope they didn’t pay for Hunter and Slykk’s transport. Brian Lee looks so much gayer than Bruce, and Bruce is wearing a dress and tiara. I didn’t mind Bruce on the mic (responding with “Thank you “ to the “HOMO!” chants was nice.) Speaking of which
-Brian Lee’s tight tight pants: I don’t need to see the inner ring of your gaping tunnel of love. Wear some looser pants. I think I could make out the swastika you have branded deep in there. It was offensive.
Well, how would you respond to an obviously insane wrestler saying the same thing 30 times? I don't know why, but I suddenly am wishing for the next season of Celebreality to feature "Sheik Knows Best."