Alright, TNA recaps will more or less be permanently on Saturdays or Sundays from here on out unfortunately… The reason being, from now until the end of the year, as long as the OT keeps getting approved, I’ll be working 5 days a week – at 12 hours apiece. The leaves ABSOLUTELY no time in the evenings for TNA, as one might well imagine. But quite frankly, the money is there – and since there are incentives for OT (plus the standard law abiding time and a half) as well as incentives for my sales performance, I have a hard time justifying NOT doing this. I apparently have a medical condition known as “suicidal”.
So until the weekends you’re stuck with rants and diatribes, and for inflicting that I cannot apologise enough.
This outta be a fun week! Not since the early days of TNA have they taped a show… Try as I may to avoid the spoilers, some of my friends have big mouths unfortunately. To those people, I hate you. :-)
I’ll have the full tournament results bracket thingy on my website today or tomorrow after the recap is up… Check the features section where I am slowly trying to bring interesting pieces to you. That’s where the 2002 WWE stats are that have become my most wildly popular feature by FAR. Thanks to YOU for visiting!
CONFLICT… CONTROVERSY… CHAOS… CONTROL… JARRETT… D’LO BROWN… RAVEN… AMERICA’S MOST WANTED… FALLEN ANGEL… SIMON & SWINGER… SHANE DOUGLAS… AJ STYLES… WEDNESDAY BLOODY WEDNESDAY…
TONIGHT: The United States vs. The World, and BLOOD!
LAZZ vs. MAD MIKEY
What the fuck is this? Lazz wears women’s clothing and wears mime style face-paint, and appears to be using a Britney Spears riff. I thought we had a big tournament or something, I don’t want to see this! Tenay: “I’ve been chokeslammed by Scott Steiner, I’ve been guitar shotted by Jeff Jarrett, I’ve been goosed by Sherri Martel…” Strangely enough, it was on that night Sherri declared him “Iron” Mike. Tonight, Mikey’s mad about the opponent he was given. Mikey takes him down – steps back, then Lazz lies on the mat gyrating his hips. Ew. Mikey misses a senton backsplash, but ducks a clothesline and puts on a headlock. Lazz comes back with a really gay Thesz press, then tries to sodomize Mikey in the corner, with the referee desperately trying to pull him off. For everyone hoping someday we’ll have a serious gay wrestler…forget it. Mid-ring, Lazz makes out with Mikey, so Mikey drives his head to the mat and plants him with a double underhook DDT for the win. Thank god. (1:50) DUD A minute more, and we’re hitting the negative stars.
Hi, welcome to The Asylum! Meet MIKE TENAY and DON WEST. The winner of our tournament gets a trophy that will be smashed on TNA in two weeks from tonight.
TERRY TAYLOR gets a word with DUSTY RHODES. Over the years, various cages have been built trying to replicate War Games, but they’re copies and none like the original *wink wink*. Dusty gets a hardon thinking of the number of times he kicked the ass of Arn Anderson.
DA JUICE vs. NOSAWA
THIS is more like it! They run around for awhile before Juvi bulldogs Nosawa and follows with a spinning heel kick. Nosawa goes to the outside, and we get us some AIR JUVI! Here come Da Juicy Chops! I could go for juicy chops… Nosawa tries a German suplex, but Juvi lands on his feet, and nails him with a jumping spin kick for 2. Juvi misses a blind charge and eats a superkick, and Nosawa follows with a dropkick to the knees to floor Juvi. Nosawa hits Tajiri’s kick and gets 2. Tenay notes that Nosawa is the current JCW champion. Now THERE’S a tape I should really recap! Hilarious stuff… Juvi hits a pumphandle tilt-a-whirl pancake (as always, I am not making this up) – and we follow with the Mexican People’s Elbow! It gets 2. Nosawa rolls through an attempted sunset flip and dropkicks Juvi in the face. Nosawa can only get 2. Juvi gets the Juvi Driver out of nowhere, and motions for the Firebird Splash. HE HITS IT, covers, 1, 2, 3!!! (4:30) **1/4
Backstage, JAMES MITCHELL is with TERRY TAYLOR to discuss Raven. Mitchell promises to take Raven’s identity by taking his hair. THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY comes over, concerned that someone may get hurt in the main event tonight – and wants some help from Mitchell. Gifted Glen promises to get the key to the cage away from Dusty Rhodes.
TEDDY HART vs. JONNY STORM
Here’s some guys I’ve never seen before. Storm rushes the ring, but Teddy was ready and hammers away. Storm comes back with a DDT and dropkicks Hart. Hart rolls out – but Storm bounces off the ropes with a double springboard full body assault and takes out Hart! Hart is rolled back in – Storm comes off the top, but Hart catches him with a Diamond Cutter in mid-air! An armbar is applied, but Storm escapes and rolls out. Hart hits a picture perfect top rope Asai moonsault! Jesus – back in, Storm hits something resembling a uranage, but uses it as a driver nearly and drops Hart headfirst to the mat. That only gets a 2 count, and that’s a crime. Storm misses a moonsault – and Teddy does NOT miss his jumping DDT. Shooting Star Press connects, and that’s it? (2:48) ** Wrestling on crack.
THE SON and TRINITY head into the heel locker room to provide some words of wisdom for the War Games match, by calling SIMON AND SWINGER knuckleheads. Tempers flare, and at this point MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER walks in. He tries to cut a serious promo about how dangerous tonight’s match is – but whenever he tries to get a segment over, all I can picture is him and Chris Benoit clapping their hands chanting “REVOLUTION, REVOLUTION, REVOLUTION” to no reaction.
CHRIS SABIN vs. JERRY LYNN
Sabin attacks before the bell. Lynn however is ANGRY and comes back, pounding and stomping away. Lynn runs Sabin into the top turnbuckle, but Sabin comes back with running kneelifts to the midsection. Lynn catches Sabin on the top rope – and powerbombs him hard to the mat, rolling through and gets a 2 count. Lynn gets a snapmare and gets 2. Completely insulting to Chris Sabin’s ability, the announcers declare him a younger version of Jerry Lynn. Lynn throws Sabin to the floor – but as Lynn comes over, Sabin gives him a jawbreaker over the top rope and attempts a sunset flip. Lynn hooks the top rope, but Sabin hangs on and manages to get it off for 2. Lynn takes back over with a TKO and gets 2 before Sabin drapes a foot on the rope. Lynn snaps at the 2 count and attacks the referee, which brings out THE JACKYL who tells him if he hurts the referee, he’s finished. I’m sorry, and HOW is Callis the heel here? Lynn is breaking the rules, and is getting punished for doing so, I fail to see WHY we should be booing this man. From behind, Sabin kicks Lynn in the nuts, rolls him up, 1, 2, 3! (3:30) *3/4 I’m hoping this was an indication that TNA is well aware how useless Lynn is at this point.
In yet another of our manic backstage sketches, TERRY TAYLOR stops in with THE GATHERING. Raven says his dream for the NWA World Title isn’t over, just postponed. He says it’s clear that before he wins the belt, he’ll have to eliminate the New Church.
FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. MICHAEL SHANE
Shane runs over Kazarian with a shoulderblock, but Kazarian comes right back with hiptosses. He hits a dropkick to Shane’s midsection for 2. Shane hits a German suplex and chokes Kazarian out with his boot. A couple of backbreakers get 2. Kazarian comes back with a roll up for 2, and a backslide brings the same results. Clotheslines connect, and a powerslam gets 2. Shane recovers with an enzuigiri and warms up the band. Sweet Chin Music is blocked, and an attempted powerbomb is turned into a rana which gets a 3 for Kazarian. (3:26) * That match was a 15 minute match rolled into 3 and wound up a trainwreck. I can’t justify jobbing the X Champion in that time span, but I guess he wasn’t the champ when they filmed this so I won’t dwell.
THE CHAMP and VIC VENOM get in a word with TERRY TAYLOR – who warns that cages are dangerous. Russo promises that as long as he’s living and breathing that nothing will happen to Styles.
TEDDY HART vs. DA JUICE
At the pace of the matches thus far, the show is gonna be done 45 minutes early. Juvi starts with a jumping DDT, but misses one from the ropes and gets caught in an armbar. Side Russian legsweep – roll through – Hart tries another but Juvi blocks it, tries a rana, but Hart hangs on to the armbar and it doesn’t happen. Juvi starts the chops – but Hart rakes the eyes! Doesn’t phase Juvi for long and hits a rana. 619 misses, and Hart pulls Juvi to the floor – hitting a rana and a moonsault off the guardrail. Hart says “one more time”, goes to the apron, and Juvi pulls him face first off it. Springboard plancha is dead on and again Juvi goes to the chops! WOOOOOO! Hart tries a springboard something, but we never find out because Juvi crotches him. Juvi with an immediate rana gets 2. Pumphandle slam gets 2 for Juvi, and it’s reversed for 2 from Hart. A powerbomb from Juvi is blocked, and turned into a move I can best describe as a vertabreaker – only turned in the other direction, spiked tombstone style. Hart goes up and hits the Stardust Press…for 2!!! Juvi gets out, turns, and sees Hart’s going for a top rope Asai moonsault too late to step aside. Back in, Juvi hits a double leg slam – then rolls through Hart’s attempted sunset flip to dropkick him in the face for 2. Mexican People’s Elbow misses but a Juice Bottom does not, and gets 2. Torture Rack style powerbomb from Juvi gets 2 – Hart rolls through and gets 2 somehow. Hart is set on the top – and headbutts Juvi to get him to go away, and absolutely PLANTS HIM with a Tornado DDT! That was damn vicious! 2 count. Hart hits the Shooting Star Press – but injures his knee in the process, giving Juvi the chance to spike him with a Juvi Driver! Juvi: “YEAH!” I agree! Juvi to the top – goes for the Firebird Splash, but Hart stops him, climbs up, and gets hit with a top rope Juvi Driver that looks to fucking kill him! Yeah, that would be the finish. (9:58) ***3/4
RYAN WILSON and KEVIN NORTHCUTT from Red Shirt Security are in the hot seat this week.
Black Shirt Security: “Brownies…girl scouts.”
Red Shirt Security: “Supersized.”
Jerry Lynn: “Does not respect authority.”
Bouncers, or rent-a-cops: “Bad-asses.”
Jeff Jarrett: “Does not respect authority, close to crossing the line.”
Bob Sapp or Mike Tyson: “I trained Bob Sapp in the powerplant, so Bob Sapp all the way.”
Vince Russo: “Someone who does respect authority and does call it straight down the middle.”
Minnesota Wrecking Crew or Midnight Express: “Minnesota Wrecking Crew, guys over the girls any day.”
Erik Watts: “Way past the line.”
Don Callis: “The ultimate authority and the final word.”
CHRIS SABIN vs. FRANKIE KAZARIAN
Quick history lesson…
June 25, 2003: Frankie Kazarian def. Chris Sabin (non-title) ***1/2 July 9, 2003: Chris Sabin def. Frankie Kazarian (title) *1/4 July 16, 2003: Chris Sabin def. Frankie Kazarian (title) **3/4 August 6, 2003: Frankie Kazarian vs. Frankie Kazarian (NO CONTEST) (title) *1/2 August 20, 2003: Michael Shane def. Chris Sabin and Frankie Kazarian (title) ****1/4
Okay kids, do your best. They go straight to beating the hell out of each other. Kazarian takes Sabin down with a shoulderblock and follows with three dropkicks for 2. Sabin comes back with a dropkick of his own and sends him face first into the turnbuckles, and starts his corner running kneelifts. Kazarian is dropped over the top – face first to the apron. Sabin runs to do something over the top – but Kazarian pulls down the top and he can’t use the springboard and crotches himself. SLINGSHOT DDT ON THE APRON! Yowwwww! Kazarian rolls Sabin in, covers and gets 2. Christ alfuckingmighty, powerbomb from the apron sends Sabin to the floor – and more importantly, head first to the exposed ramp! And THAT only gets 2. Kazarian tries a springboard back elbow – but Sabin catches him midair and follows through with a German, starting a “Hail Sabin” chant. TIGER SUPLEX gets ONLY 2 from Sabin! Sabin wraps Kazarian’s arms around his own neck and tries to choke him out. Kazarian gets to the ropes, and Sabin has to break. Kazarian tries a tornado DDT to the floor – but Sabin hangs on to the ropes, and Kazarian clutches as well, and nobody falls. Kazarian tries a springboard move, and gets kicked in the stomach. WAVE OF THE FUTURE from Kazarian…and 2! Kazarian tries for another tornado DDT – but as he sets it – Sabin jumps backwards and hits a reverse bicycle kick! That gives Sabin a chance to hit Back To The Future, and Kazarian kicks out of THAT! They head back up…and it’s a Flux Capacitor!!!!!!! They both get up at the same time, and fight over a roll up… Sabin gets it, and that’s 3! Fantastic! (7:29) ***1/4
AMERICA’S MOST WANTED get ready for their big match. They state that the tag-team titles will have to wait, and announce it as an honor to stand next to D’Lo, Jarrett, and Raven. Before their interview with TERRY TAYLOR can go anywhere however, KID KASH and MANKIND arrive. Kash apologizes for his actions against Taylor – and swears it’ll never happen again. Kash announces he carries tradition with him…on the bottom of his shoe, which his dog left on the front lawn. And then he slaps Taylor (hah!) – and once again before there’s retaliation, Abyss along with RED SHIRT SECURITY jump in the way.
CHRIS SABIN vs. DA JUICE
This is for all the marbles. As much as I’m into Sabin, I couldn’t root against Tha Juicy One, so I’m pulling for an upset. Tenay suggests that this tournament may become an annual affair, which I can certainly live with! Next year we crown the greatest X Division competitor ever…Abyss! Come on, you know it. Slaps are traded and dropkicks exchanged simultaneously. Sabin wants a handshake, Juvi flips him off. Flying headscissors from Juvi hits – and works an armbar. Yep, I’ve got to agree with those WWE officials…that Juventud just can’t work. Chop, WOOOOO! Sabin comes back with a powerbomb right on Juvi’s head, and hits an enzuigiri. He tries more shots to Juvi’s head – but Juvi retaliated again with the chops, and hits the spinning heel kick. Sabin rolls out, so Juvi hits a slingshot plancha. Back in – slingshot elbowdrop is good for 2. Juvi continues with the chops – but winds up being creamed with a German suplex. That gets 2. Sabin uses the same tactics that worked earlier, tying Juvi’s arms around his own neck to choke himself out. Sabin lets go – heads up, but gets caught and dropkicked. Juvi covers, and gets 2! Sabin comes back with a surfboard – but Juvi picks him up on his shoulders, drops him back into a bridge, 1, 2, kickout by Sabin! Juvi goes after the Juvi Driver, but can’t get it – winds up rolling through a cover, getting 2, and they go back and forth getting 9 straight 2 counts before collapsing. Juvi again looks towards the Juvi Driver, but ends up trading near moves before Sabin manages to sit down on Juvi for 2. Juvi gets up and bulldogs his ass! Yeah! MISSILE DROPKICK from Juvi, and he motions again for the Juvi Driver!!!! It’s blocked (ARGH!) – and Juvi gets spiked with a twisting DDT in midair…for 2! Juvi wants a Tiger Driver…AND HITS IT!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK! Sabin gets dropped RIGHT on his head there – Juvi covers…1, 2, NO! Juvi goes to the Juvi Driver to finish…and gets hit with a DDT again. Come ON Juvi! Sabin covers and gets a 2. Sabin heads to the top – leaps, and Juvi dropkicks him right in his face! Juvi covers for 2. Juvi now heads up…but gets crotched by Sabin – and gets superplexed! Sabin barely drapes an arm and gets 2. Sabin argues that one since it was so close – and gets rolled up, giving Juvi a 2. Now Juvi has an argument for THAT one, and HE gets rolled up for 2. Juvi FINALLY has enough of the games and hits the Juvi Driver!!!! He sets Sabin near the corner, and heads back for the Firebird Splash AND HITS IT! 1, 2, SABIN GETS HIS FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Sabin blocks ANOTHER Juvi Driver – hits the Future Shock this time, 1, 2, 3. (14:42) ****1/2 Sabin grabs his trophy and celebrates while I allow my 17 consecutive heart attacks a chance to settle. That had better have earned Juvi a full time job.
Just when you think you know what he’ll do next… …He shocks the world Just when you least expect him… …He shows up Just when you think you have all the answers… …He changes the questions
“They gave me kind of a home attachment. It was ruleless other than the ones they laid down, and it was shelter, and for me it was security.”
He’s coming… …And he’s pissed
Don West thinks about Roddy Piper with a live microphone and creams his pants.
NEXT WEEK: For a penny, the best of the best! And luckily for me, I’ve actually recapped the majority of these matches already since the fed really only hit its stride the week of Jarrett/Raven, which was the April 30th show I believe.
JEREMY BORASH says “Wednesday Bloody Wednesday” about 6000 times.
ERIK WATTS in stripes gets a ring introduction, which means it’s main event time. He makes sure to say “Wednesday Bloody Wednesday” far too many times as well – and sends the entire ringside crew to the back due to the dangerous nature of this match. However, he does have a backup crew…or krew if you will. B JIZZLE, RON KILLINGS, and KONNAN wander down. James gets ring announcer duties in place of Borash – and introduces the match.
CLOCKWORK ORANGE HOUSE OF WAR GAMES FUN
The order entrants was decided by a coin flip…using a 5-sided coin no doubt. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS accompanied by VINNY RU start for the bad guys. On the side of our heroes, we send out our lord and saviour TRIPLE J – who’s been forgiven for his impression years ago by his new found friend DUSTY RHODES. Daniels leaps off the apron to attack Jarrett outside the cage. I should note for WCW enthusiasts that this match is being done with one ring. Jarrett cracks Daniels with a chair – but Daniels continues to hammer again. They finally get in – and the match officially begins. Jarrett uses a spinebuster…and I’ll withhold the obvious. He goes for a trashcan lid, but Daniels kicks him in the chops and drops a knee. THE JACKYL heads out to ringside and joins the broadcast table. Daniels grabs a kendo stick and nails Jarrett. Some nun chucks are helpfully nearby to aid Daniels further. Callis is not opposed to the cage – because he smells money, but he IS opposed to forcing people into it, and finds it inappropriate for Watts to be the referee as well as allowing 3 Live Krew to do “whatever it is they’re doing”. I find that line funny as hell for some reason. Jarrett slingshots Daniels into the cage and grates his head across it. Our third man hits the ring in the person of AJ STYLES which means heels are still 100% in War Games coin flips. They work over Jarrett, and Daniels grabs himself a table, which is strung to the side of the cage. Styles is content to use a road sign while Daniels sets that up. For Jarrett’s team, here comes CHRIS HARRIS. He ducks a spin kick from Styles and spears him!!! Daniels is used by Harris as a battering ram into the cage. “TNA is very pleased with the work of Chris Harris, we have no problems with him.” The fact that was said in a corporate monotone voice is fantastic. Vince Russo grabs the headset from Callis and says if Watts is allowed in the cage he should be allowed in there as well. Callis meanwhile is pointing to Russo the whole time, as though he’s the voice of reason. Daniels and Styles put Jarrett through the table 3-D style. SIMON DIAMOND is next. Jarrett’s bleeding – but finds the strength to recover in this disadvantage thanks to a rawhide strap. He starts to choke out Daniels – but Styles breaks that up. James: “Ladies and gentleman, the next contestant, D’LO BROWN.” D’Lo grabs a trashcan and makes sure the three members of Not S.E.X. gets a shot. Harris uses the Catatonic on Styles! Jarrett goes up with a trashcan and hits Styles with it. D’Lo pounces of Simon while MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER is introed. The fans chant for the Triple Threat, despite the fact I only count 1. Harris is tossed by Simon into the cage while D’Lo takes a trashcan lid shot. Russo throws the baseball bat in to Shane Douglas who proceeds to stand around with it, doing little. JAMES STORM, concussion and all, hits the ring. He grabs a trashcan and cleans house while Jarrett grabs a guitar and goes to the top. Christopher Daniels is the lucky recipient of the shot. Jarrett grabs a chair while Russo screams about the guitar being legal. JOHNNY SWINGER is #9, shifting the momentum back to the heels again. Douglas slams D’Lo with a trashcan lid, and grabs a “wet floor” sign. Russo calls it a pretty picture seeing Team Jarrett down. Our last man, getting the sweetest draw in the place for the 2nd time in 3 weeks is RAVEN. I wish I was as lucky as this guy’s been lately. He’s got what appears to be a cookie sheet and everyone gets a piece. Daniels manages to get it away and works over Raven. Jarrett gets double teamed by Douglas and Daniels with headbutts. Russo gets on the third mic once again to announce he just heard Jarrett quit, and he’s launching an official complaint since the match is continuing. Styles whips D’Lo with the trashcan lid. Chris Harris and D’Lo get launched into the cage. Raven gets a trashcan shot from Douglas, while Swinger does the same to Jarrett. Uranage from Daniels on Jarrett right in the middle of the ring while Erik Watts looks on. Douglas cracks Raven with the baseball bat. America’s Most Wanted get in some shots on Simon with kendo sticks. Raven gets a burst of energy and sends Douglas into the cage while Jarrett finds some strength and starts going nuts with a trash can. D’Lo’s fists light themselves on fire and burn everyone he can. AMW climb a turnbuckle each, mounting Simon and Swinger. Evenflow on Douglas mid-ring! D’Lo hits the Sky High on Daniels! Simon and Swinger recover though and hit 3-D on D’Lo – but as soon as Swinger recovers he takes a SPEAR from Harris! Storm nails Diamond with a TKO – but Styles is right there with a moonsault that floats over into a Scorpion Death Drop on Storm. Styles starts climbing the cage – but Jarrett catches him and Stroke’s him off the top. D’Lo hits a Lo Down while Harris drops a leg simultaneously to finish of Styles – Jarrett with a cover, 1, 2, 3! (20:38) **1/4 LEGEND, THE SON, TRINITY, and THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY hit the ringside IMMEDIATELY and beat Dusty Rhodes. 3 Live Krew join in the melee while everyone clears from the cage!!! Russo is removed by RED SHIRT SECURITY for his own protection. Styles works over Jarrett on the table while SINN, SLASH, and JAMES MITCHELL now join the fun since Raven and Douglas are alone in the cage. They bring scissors. Douglas gets a few locks of Raven’s hair as suddenly the show goes off the air… Awww man, I HATE it when there’s stuff going on and they pull that stunt.
Well, I realize it’s a little late to be recommending replays and stuff – but the show was another in a series of good ones we’ve had lately and the one cent show will not be any different – so I can tell you NOW if you haven’t tried TNA before to certainly give it a try while it’s virtually free of charge. I think you’ll like what you see.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only man with enough GRAPEFRUITS to challenge Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking at the upcoming OO Backlash PPV.