My digital cable gave me something of a battle this week ordering the show. I kept ordering it – and then getting an error 5 minutes before airtime. I tried constantly from Wednesday onwards, even resetting my box but nothing worked. Finally, 3:00am on Sunday morning was the final airing – and I waited 40 minutes on hold with Rogers to get a rep. We solved the problem and I got the show just in time.
Assuming similar problems don’t re-occur, the recap will actually be on THURSDAY this week since it’s the start of my 4-day weekend and I don’t plan on any overtime.
LAST WEEK: Terry Taylor gave Kid Kash some ballshots, and 3 Live Kru wins a match. Vince Russo gave TNA an ultimatum, and they threw Roddy Piper out on his ass. Christopher Daniels touched some alter boys…with his words. And AJ Styles fought with Dusty Rhodes – hopefully NOT setting up our next World Title challenger.
EARLIER TODAY: ERIK WATTS chews out THE JACKYL for throwing Piper out. Callis reminds Watts that Watts is responsible for the in-ring – while Callis is in charge of outside the ring.
3 LIVE KRU debut a new single. It reminds me WAY too much of “Get Rowdy” – except with extra Konnan. Thankfully, it’s interrupted by THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY, SIMON DIAMOND, and DAVID YOUNG. And not the fake David Young this time. Tenay notes that Swinger underwent emergency surgery earlier and can’t be here. Bah, Jeff Jarrett would have done it. Hell, he would have performed the surgery himself, donated a kidney on the way out, delivered cookies to sick children and still been back in time for the show. Gilberti calls 3 Live Kru American Idol rejects – which apparently upsets THE GATHERING who attack. Gilberti takes an Evenflow while the crowd shows appreciation for Raven. No matter how many times this guy loses he gets more over.
“Every time I look in the mirror I wanna scream, cry, puke, put my head through a wall. I am humiliated, ashamed, and embarrassed.” Not to mention grey. Oops. “There are very few stipulations in professional wrestling that have actual repercussions. You lose a grudge, an I Quit match, devastating to the psyche and the pride, but it doesn’t change your essential self. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! You hurt me! And I didn’t think I could be hurt. You hurt me. I’ve been diagnosed by medical professionals…” Pause for a HUGE Raven chant while he nearly cries. “I’ve been diagnosed by medical professionals as paranoid schizophrenic, clinically depressed, manic depressive, and all points in between. You talk to anybody in the locker room and I’m not real popular because I’m not real stable. And I’m about to lose it now in a very dangerous way. This is what you’ve brought down upon yourself. Raven Effect, short trip, bad landing. Shane Douglas, New Church, Vampiro, Jim Mitchell, may god have mercy on your souls.” Raven drops the mic – and walks off. The Gathering follows.
Hello hosts! MIKE TENAY and DON WEST cringe at the thought of Raven being scalped last week. West hypes matches! KID KASH interrupts and says he’s not going to be responsible for what happens to Terry Taylor. Tenay ignores him.
We’re going to have a top contenders match for the X Title! Here’s a look at the guys involved. It’s not much of a look mind you.
Backstage, SCOTT HUDSON is back! He’s got MR. JL with him. Lynn thanks Watts for being given an opportunity. Lynn still can’t cut promos! I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term “Internets” before. Lynn is apparently aware of others.
NOSAWA vs. FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. DA JUICE vs. CHRIS SABIN vs. MR. JL (in a #1 contenders match for the NWA X title)
Kazarian stops to say hi to LOLLIPOP on his way down. He knows he’s not gonna win anyway, so he may as well go get some. The announcers talk about Lynn a whole lot, and the fact he hasn’t won a lot lately, which should more or less give away the finish. Kazarian and Nosawa start. They roll around a bit before Kazarian hits a clothesline. Nosawa kicks him in the little Kazarian, and he tags out, in pain. Welcome Juvi! Spinning heel kick from Nosawa, and Juvi tags out. Hail Sabin! Lynn hits a crossbody off the top onto Nosawa and gets 2, but Sabin breaks it up. I thought this was elimination, why break it up??? Lynn drops Sabin to the floor, and follows with a rana off the apron. Back in, Lynn gets 2. Nosawa and Juvi make their way in, and Nosawa hits a drop toe hold to the middle turnbuckle and follows with a German! The fans chant “ICP!” at Nosawa. JUVI DRIVER out of nowhere! 1, 2, 3. Buh-bye Nosawa. (3:46) Lynn hits a running kneelift in the corner on Sabin while Juvi hits a rana on Kazarian. Another rana follows and Juvi chops away. Kazarian misses a dropkick and Juvi does not. They brawl to the floor and Juvi hits another rana leading the fans in a “JUICE!” chant. Bring on the chops! WOOOOOO! Juvi misses a dropkick and the Juvi Driver is blocked. He winds up on Kazarian’s shoulders and Sabin dropkicks him. Sabin with a picture perfect dropkick on Kazarian gets 2. Lynn hits a slingshot crossbody on Sabin for 2. So Juvi hits a missile dropkick on Lynn and a jumping spin kick on Sabin! Kazarian with a slingshot dropkick on Sabin followed by a somersault axekick! Kazarian tries a slingshot DDT on Lynn, but Lynn hooks the top ropes and Kazarian hits the ground hard. Sabin tries to hit Kazarian with something off the top, but walks right into Wave Of The Future. It gets 2 because Sabin puts his foot on the ropes. Sabin hits the Cradle Shock and gets the 3! (8:38) Juvi takes an Alley-Oop from Sabin into the turnbuckle, but comes back with a dropkick. Lynn steals the pin but only gets 2. Double team DDT on Lynn – Juvi covers and gets 2. Triple German suplex – with Juvi winding up under Lynn with a bridge, and that’s 2! Sabin hits an enzuigiri on Lynn, and Juvi’s RIGHT there with a Juvi Driver for Sabin! The idiot covers LYNN however and it gets 2. Lynn and Juvi fight through a series of nearfall reversals – with 13 pin attempts in under a minute. Lynn hits an inverted Vertaebreaker for 3. Damn. (11:40) Lynn and Sabin are the final 2. Sabin catapults Lynn into the turnbuckle and follows with a strange DDT pancake thing. It gets 2. Sabin goes up – but Lynn cuts him off. MICHAEL SHANE looks on from the top of the ramp. Lynn hits a superplex – but Sabin barely gets a shoulder up at 2. Big boot from Sabin is followed by a brainbuster…for 2. Sabin signals for a cradle pildriver, but they fight out of it and the referee is bumped. Michael Shane hits the ring – and tries to hit Lynn with the belt, but clocks Sabin by accident. Lynn stuffs Sabin with the cradle piledriver, 1, 2, 3. (15:10) *** And naturally the least interesting guy gets the biggest push.
MAD MIKEY and SHARK BOY hang out with SCOTT HUDSON. Mikey’s wearing a Spongebob Squarepants outfit. EKMO and THE SON lay them out for no particular reason.
LAST THURSDAY: MIKE TENAY and RODDY PIPER have a sitdown. Piper had a meeting earlier that day with the TNA people – and Piper was told he isn’t allowed in TNA. Piper says he wants to be a part of it, feeling he should be giving back since the NWA saved his life when he was 15. He’s not sure if he’s doing it for the other people or for himself however. Piper feels TNA is a rocket ship ready to take off and he wants to be a part of it. His heart has always been with the NWA – but as a business man he went where the money was. Well…that established little.
THE JACKYL and RED SHIRT SECURITY are in the ring. Say, where’s Edward Chastain? Callis says he had a hard choice last week – having to choose Vince Russo or Roddy Piper. Callis is proud of his decision however and Piper is banned for life. He swears he didn’t do it because it’s what he wants, but because it’s what the customers want. “You want Vince Russo on this show…you NEED Vince Russo on this show.” The cool thing about hard decisions is once you’ve made one, it’s easier to make others. So getting to Jeff Jarrett, last week he touched a TNA official. “You tried to hurt me…ON PAY-PER-VIEW!” 4 simple words are coming. “Jeff Jarrett…you’re…” and ERIK WATTS hits the ring with BLACK SHIRT SECURITY. Watts, as usual, tries to be witty and fails. Watts promises that Jarrett will get his title shot sometime in the next 30 days, but for tonight he gets a match with Christopher Daniels. Watts books AJ Styles against Dusty Rhodes in a Bunkhouse Brawl. 3 Live Kru WILL get their title shot…in a 6-man tag against Gilberti, Young, and Diamond. Plus – The Gathering against The New Church in a 6-man tag as well. But not just any 6-man – it’ll be a dog collar match. Plus, this match, RIGHT now…
BLACK SHIRT SECUIRTY vs. RED SHIRT SECURITY
Ryan Wilson hits a front slam on Chris Vaughn and works him over with shoulderblocks in the corner. Brian Northcutt hits an overhead German suplex for 2. They work him over in the corner. Vaughn ducks a big boot from Wilson, but can’t avoid the full nelson slam. It gets 1 before Rick Santel breaks it up. Northcutt hits a gorilla press for 2. Here come the chops! Vaughn gets thrown rib first into the corner – and takes a tilt-a-whirl slam from Wilson for 2. They continue to cut off the ring and Northcutt puts on a hammerlock. He gets thrown to the outside – and Wilson LAUNCHES him into the ringsteps. Back in, Wilson gets a 2. West starts begging them to give up – but on a cocky one handed attempt to cut off the ring, Vaughn manages to roll out of the way and tag in Santel! Now THAT is a house of fire! Shots for everyone! Flying forearm for Northcutt…but a big boot from Wilson knocks him out cold. Vaughn attacks Wilson from behind and winds up gorilla pressed to the floor. Erik Watts enters the ring and chokeslams Northcutt while the referee’s back is turned! Santel turns…1, 2, 3!!!!!! (6:22) *** Fantastic little match that told one helluva story.
TERRY TAYLOR is old, and wrestling tonight. SCOTT HUDSON mentions “you’ve done it all!” I wasn’t aware that being known for pretending to be a rooster was “all.” Taylor says he’s 48-year old non-wrestler but will not go into a gun fight with a knife.
KID KASH (with Mankind) vs. TERRY TAYLOR (with America’s Most Wanted)
Taylor proves NOT to be an idiot right off the bat by bringing out America’s Most Wanted. Kash ducks a lockup and slaps Taylor in the head. Kash with a waistlock – and shoves Taylor. Kash goes for an armdrag, but misses and hits the canvas allowing Taylor to clothesline him for 2. Kash goes out to hide behind Abyss. Kash pretends to want a test of strength – but goes to kick Taylor. Taylor was ready, catches the leg and takes Kash down. Kash comes back with a series of punches and bites Taylor’s forehead. Kash works an armbar, slowing down an already Way Too Slow match. Taylor hits a jawbreaker, but Kash comes back with a neckbreaker and a double jump crossbody. Taylor rolls out – so Kash orders Abyss to attack him. Abyss wanders over, but AMW stand in the way. They figure that was enough to scare him away, and turn their back – so Abyss attacks. Back in, Taylor hits an atomic drop followed by an inverted atomic drop. This brings Abyss in and he nails the Black Hole on Taylor. Kash covers, but the referee is distracted while James Storm hits a slingshot plancha on Abyss! SPEAR from Chris Harris to Kash!!! Taylor gets the 3! (6:11) DUD I’ll betcha Kash is none to pleased about that. If I’m AMW, I’ll be apologizing when Abyss starts to take it out.
Backstage, VIC VENOM throws a shit fit about something around ERIK WATTS. Watts says he’s got the power to stick Russo’s bat up his ass. Oooookay.
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (with Mini-onions) vs. TRIPLE J
Lockup, and Daniels shoves him off. Jarrett hits a backdrop, but Daniels turns it right around and clotheslines Jarrett outside. Daniels springboards off the top but misses whatever he was trying and hits the guardrail. Jarrett drops Daniels on the guardrail again and again! Back in Daniels hits a chokeslam. Clothesline levels Jarrett – and he chokes him out. Daniels scissors Jarrett in the ropes, with Jarrett’s throat across the top rope. Vertical suplex into a pin gets 2. Jarrett rolls him up with a sunset flip for 2 – but gets nailed with a dropkick soon thereafter. Headbutt and another chokeslam! Daniels hits a triple jump moonsault but only gets 2. Middle of the ring…abdominal stretch. I miss Scott Hall. Enzuigiri from Jarrett is followed by a gutbuster and dropkick. Jarrett goes up and hits a crossbody for 2. Another crossbody is rolled right through – and Daniels gets 2. Enzuigiri is blocked by Jarrett who signals for a figure four, but Daniels goes for a small package! 1, 2, Jarrett JUST kicks out. 720 powerbomb hits – and a Minion hits the ring. Jarrett shoves him off though – and he just happens to knock Daniels off the top. From there, Jarrett packages him tightly. 1, 2, 3. (7:18) * And another star is born from his feud with Jarrett. Honest to god – is there ANYONE shy of the McMahon family who is more unaware of their place in the business? WWE these days – top IC contender at best. Post match, Daniels beats the shit out of the Minion who screwed him with a belt, leaving some deep welts for sure. I just re-read that last sentence…eep. Poor grammar for sure!
DUSTY RHODES gets time with SCOTT HUDSON. Dusty says being champ is not going to the pay winda with Russo in tow taking his cut like a wino off the street. Dusty calls himself an Icon – stating there’s only a handful of ‘em, which puts him above legend. Oh good god.
TAG LINES - First title defence for new NWA tag champs - 3 Live Kru won 4 way top contenders match - Watts gets Gilberti involved with 6 man
3 LIVE KRU vs. THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY, SIMON DIAMOND, and DAVID YOUNG (for the NWA world tag-team titles)
Pier 182 brawl. Someone gives Konnan a microphone after they clear the ring, and he runs through his catchphrases, seeking dogs. Diamond and Konnan start. Konnan runs him over with a shoulderblock – mounts Diamond in the corner and forces him to peel a potato while screaming “SUCK ON THIS!” I think every one of my worst nightmares just took place in the span of 20 seconds. Tumbleweed clothesline hits. James hits the ring and does the Praying Mantis. David Young comes in. A clothesline stops the Jizzle in his tracks – but James comes back with a clothesline of his own. Wazzup Legdrop from James and Killings. Gilberti comes in and takes a shoulderblock. Gifted Glen comes back with a forearm and works over Killings with punches. Killings is not impressed and hits a Harlem sidekick for 2. Killings hits a powerslam for 2. Gifted Glen kicks Killings’ legs out and tags in Diamond. Simon Series hits and is good for 2. David Young works over truth with kicks in the corner and takes Truth’s head off with a clothesline. Glen gets back in to take an axekicking and here comes BG. He knocks out everyone on the opposing side and gets 2 off a shaky shaky kneedrop. Konnan hits an X Factor on Gilberti – and Simon hits a superkick on Konnan. Simon follows with another superkick for Killings – but misses BG on the third try and nails Young! Killings comes off the top with a missile dropkick for Simon and James clotheslines him out to the floor! Truth hits a tope on Simon! BG goes over to deal some punishment to Glen, but takes a chairshot to the face and stumbles right into a spinebuster from Young! That’ll end this one in a hurry. Champs retain. (9:58) **1/2
In the back – THE CHAMP and beating up DUSTY RHODES inside a pickup truck while VINNY RU cheers him on! Meh, it’s not a ring, but what the hell….
THE CHAMP vs. DUSTY RHODES (in a non-title bunkhouse brawl)
Dusty throws Styles into a fence and they roll around. Dusty with a ballshot! SCOTT HUDSON is calling this match because he can easily follow them around and stay in the middle of the action. Dusty sends Styles headfirst into the pickup – which apparently belongs to Dusty. Styles throws Dusty headfirst into a wooden fence, but Dusty comes right back with a Rubbermaid. They fight back into the building where Styles pounds on Dusty in the crowd. Dusty takes off his boot and smacks Styles in the face. He puts it on his hand and continues punching Styles. Russo throws a boot at Dusty – giving Styles enough of a chance to grab the boot away from Dusty and pounds away. Styles chokes Dusty out in the ring with a rope. Russo holds him by the neck with a belt, and Styles moons Dusty. Dusty gets away from Russo and delivers a Bionic Elbow! He takes off AJ’s pants AND underwear and spanks him. With Konnan in the last match, this may be the gayest show ever. TRINITY comes down, drawing out TRIPLE J as well. The ref has enough and it’s a no contest. (4:03) 1/2* Jarrett puts Trinity over his knee and shows off HER ass. Dusty gives her a spanking while some country bumpkin music plays. Rhodes and Jarrett shake hands.
NEXT WEEK: Sonny Siaki and Ekmo face Mad Mikey and Shark Boy. More with Roddy Piper. Michael Shane and Jerry Lynn battle for the X Title. Kid Kash and Abyss face the wrath of America’s Most Wanted. THE CHAMP storms the announce table and says if they want to plug something – they can plug THIS… Styles invites Rhodes to an NWA World Title match. VINNY RU stops that thought – and says Rhodes is TRYING to get a title shot, so don’t let him fall for it. Russo changes it to Styles and Russo against Jarrett and Dusty. Styles likes it. That should be good, right? I mean, they’re all former World Champions.
Here’s a look at hair vs. hair! In this clip, Raven still lost.
THE LOUNGE SINGER gets time with SCOTT HUDSON before the main event. Mitchell wonders how it felt to be the first man scalped in wrestling history? How it felt to watch clumps of flesh hit the mat next to his hair? “Maybe now you understand my pain.” Mitchell says he’s not done yet however, because Raven hasn’t confessed to the crimes he’s committed against Mitchell. So his Church will be the judge, jury, and executioner.
SHANE DOUGLAS and THE DISCIPLES OF THE NEW CHURCH vs. THE GATHERING (in a dog collar match)
The Gathering are each wearing the chains – and don’t waste any time attacking them. Raven is tied to Douglas, Slash to CM Punk, and Sinn to Julio. Raven wraps Douglas around the ringpost and pulls him into the post over and over. CM Punk and Julio do the same to their opponents. Cobra clutch is applied by Raven on Douglas – but Slash gets in to break that up. Slash takes down Punk with a shot from the chain. Sinn is already busted open. So’s Slash actually. CM Punk gets launched across the ring. Douglas is now bleeding as well – and Punk blades. Slash wraps the chain wrapped around the mouth of CM Punk and chokes him out. Douglas uses a wrapped fist on Raven, then wraps Raven’s mouth with the chain and Raven bleeds – meaning Julio’s the only one not bleeding. Speaking of whom, Sinn grinds Julio’s face into the ringsteps and whips him in the face with a chain, drawing blood. Well, if it was Last Blood, Julio can claim to be a winner. Douglas stomps on Raven while Slash drops a chained elbow on Punk. Raven looks confused. Loaded fist from Slash off the top onto Punk. Douglas and Slash both go to the top – and Sinn follows suit. The Gathering all pull their chains at the same time and the Church comes flying back in. West gushes over the chain pulling. Raven clotheslines Slash while Julio beats on Sinn and hits a superkick. Raven catches Douglas between the legs with a chain while Punk bulldogs him. The good guys each mount a corner and pound on the Church with wrapped fists. Outside, Raven clotheslines Douglas while the bell rings suddenly. (7:50) ** Apparently, completely off camera – Julio pinned Sinn. From what or how, we don’t know, the camera was completely focused on Raven. And here comes MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER with THE LOUNGE SINGER. Slash does a whirlee bird on CM Punk right onto the chain. Douglas drags Raven to the back with Vampiro. Mitchell tosses the chain up the stairs and we’ve got CM Punk and Raven being hung. Julio joins them shortly there after, leaving the three to look like marionettes. And the show goes off the air.
The hot streak is over and TNA is back to their usual solid but underwhelming selves. They can turn it around any week however and likely will.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED, and FACTUALLY INACCURATE edition of Inside The Ropes, the only column to "blow the lid off of kayfabe", whatever the hell that is. I'm Canadian Bulldog.