At this point, I’m not really expecting you to read a week old recap. I’m doing this to ensure there are no holes in my archive – as I press along in the hopes of outlasting everyone with this silly show!
TONIGHT: Super X Champion Chris Sabin takes on X Division Champion Michael Shane. Don Callis Presents: Red Shirt Security vs. Black Shirt Security. 3 Live Kru continue their feud with the tag-team champs and their manager. Raven will see action against a random member of the New Church – who now want him dead. And lastly – Dusty Rhodes gets a World Title shot.
TRIPLE J isn’t wasting any time tonight. Tenay calls it unscheduled! Jarrett’s got some things to say to Dusty Rhodes, and wants him out here NOW. DUSTY RHODES comes out, microphone in hand – but Jarrett asks that he listen. Jarrett feels he was robbed of his title shot, and he doesn’t appreciate it. Dusty’s no different than any other “icon” when it comes down to it. He’s no different than Roddy Piper, Bret Hart, Randy Savage, or Hulk Hogan. He’d cut his own mother’s throat to get what he wants. Rhodes keeps trying to interject – but Jarrett won’t even let him get a word in. Jarrett says he’s still got his title shot in 2 weeks no matter what – and he doesn’t care which. Well, all that accomplished was to make Jarrett look like an overbearing jealous ass…which perhaps was the point.
SCOTT HUDSON is in THE CHAMP’s locker room. TRINITY stands around doing nothing. Hudson wants to know where the hell Vince Russo is. Styles hasn’t seen him – and is concerned the slap last week may have had something to do with it. THE SON and EKMO join the scene and confirm the slap has chased Russo off. Styles wants Trinity to call Russo again.
RED SHIRT SECURITY (with The Jackyl’s haircut) vs. CHRIS VAUGHN and D’LO BROWN (with Rick Santel)
Sweet Jesus Don – the hair!!! My how D’Lo has fallen. D’Lo dropkicks Northcutt right off the bat, giving Vaughn a chance to hit a leaping armbreaker from the top. That doesn’t last, with Vaughn taking a choke throw to the corner. He scoots back over to safe ground and tags in D’Lo. D’Lo doesn’t do much before Vaughn comes back in and dropkicks Wilson a couple of times. Vaughn goes up – tries a rana, but gets DROPPED ON HIS HEAD coming off the top! Yeah, Vaughn’s about to join Santel in a sling…if not a wheelchair. Wilson uses the chance to beat the hell out of Vaughn in the corner – and whips Northcutt at him, avalanche style! He follows that up with a running knee to the face. Pumphandle Olympic slam – pose D’Lo style – miss a legdrop! Vaughn manages to boot Northcutt in the face, tries a tornado DDT but winds up thrown via belly to belly suplex into the corner and lands ON HIS HEAD for the second time. I’m beginning to think that “Chris Vaughn” is really a backstage joke, and in fact they sent out a rubber doll to take beatings. Vaughn tries to crawl to the corner, but misses the enzuigiri on Northcutt. He does escape though and tags in D’Lo! Wilson takes a flying forearm and gets dumped. That leaves Northcutt and Vaughn alone. Northcutt picks him up, double underhook style…and drops him down HEADFIRST in a spike piledriver position. TNA calls it a Northcutt Driver – I call it insane – the referee calls it 3 – and I think a vigil is going to have to be started for Chris Vaughn. (4:45) * D’Lo attempts to get revenge, but two-on-one wins out. They handcuff D’Lo with the help from Callis, at which point ERIK WATTS attempts to save, but also is the victim of a beatdown…at least temporarilty. He clotheslines both Red Shirt guys and lays ‘em out with a chair. D’Lo and Watts bounce around happily.
Welcome to the show! We’re in the Asylum, and MIKE TENAY and DON WEST are hyping “big!” The future of TNA will be announced later tonight. Plus, all the matches I mentioned in the opening.
Tenay had himself a sitdown with DUSTY RHODES earlier. They think back to 1979 when Dusty won the NWA Title for the very first time. He feels it was when he became an icon. Rhodes says the fans drive him to do crazy things – like embarrassing people for fun. He doesn’t feel that Vince Russo cherishes the history, whereas he thinks TNA should be embracing NWA history. As far as Jarrett and the title shot goes, he feels that if the situation was reversed that Jarrett would have taken full advantage of a free title shot, and ultimately Jarrett WILL be getting a title shot anyway.
Back in the Asylum, Tenay says that Jarrett has left the building, and Vince Russo never showed.
Here’s some EXCITING footage of JERRY LYNN leaving the building last week. Lynn took off in a rage, wondering why every match on the show has interference but nobody in the office does a damn thing about it.
X-FACTORS - Sabin wins Super X Tournament - Shane captures title in Ultimate X - Tonight: Super X trophy vs. Division X Title
SUPER CHRIS SABIN vs. MICHAEL SHANE (for the NWA X title and Super X trophy)
It takes all of 2.3 seconds for a “HAIL SABIN” chant to break out. Shane slaps Sabin, and runs away when Sabin seeks revenge. Sabin drags him back into the ring by his hair, and gets in some stiff shots to the jaw before Shane takes off again. Back in – Sabin hits a rana out of nowhere and follows with a dropkick. Shane lures him into the corner and hits a drop toe hold onto the ‘buckle. Punches are traded, and Sabin is thrown to the outside. Shane follows – points to the Super X trophy and informs Sabin “that’s gonna be mine!” Back in they go, where Shane chokes Sabin out with his fist tape. Sabin fires back with chops, but gets powerslammed for 2. Shane works a surfboard which Sabin powers out of. Sabin gets dumped onto the apron, but comes right back with a springboard leg lariat! The big boot floors Shane, and Sabin hits a springboard DDT for 2! Shane attempts a Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, but it’s blocked and Sabin hits the Future Shock!!! 1, 2, Shane gets a foot on the bottom rope. The crowd is completely dead – having no idea who to root for at this point. Sabin misses a springboard dropkick and follows that by getting nailed in the face by Shane’s boot off the attempted avalanche. Shane covers, feet on the ropes – and gets 2 before the referee catches the act. Shane hits a powerbomb for 2. Shane gets annoyed by his inability to put Sabin away, and goes to get the clichéd belt. The referee takes it away and during the interim Shane gets hit with the Cradle Shock! Referee is distracted, and turns too late – getting only a 2 for Sabin. Sabin hits a sunset flip for 2, which is reversed for 2, which is reversed again for 2, which is reversed with Shane hold the trunks for 3??? We have ourselves a new Super X Champion. Tenay starts yelling right in the face of Michael Shane who celebrates with his trophy…still in one piece after nearly a month. (7:32) **1/4
SCOTT HUDSON stands with DIAMOND and SWINGER with THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY. Gilberti starts rapping like a really white cross between BG James and Eminem, directed at 3 Live Kru when suddenly THE REAL DAVID YOUNG hits the scene. “You laid me out with a chair! What was that?” Gilberti: “That was nothing. Swinger, how many times did I hit you with a chair last week?” “Oh god Glen, at least a dozen times…” “Simon, how many times did I hit you with a chair last week?” “At least a baker’s dozen times!” Young: “What???” “See, that’s what we do! It’s like terms of endearment. David, we like you, you’re real close to being in the group. Like *that* close.”
THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY, DIAMOND and SWINGER vs. 3 LIVE KRU (in an elimination match)
Konnan still hasn’t found his missing dogs. Tenay notes that they’ve upgraded their sound system to the top of the line after last week’s fiasco. Killings with a rana on Diamond to start – and in comes BG to double team him with a spinebuster/Harlem sidekick combo. It gets 2. The tag-team champs come back with a double team on James – and get 2 off a double side slam. Swinger chokes James out, but James comes right back with his dancing punches – and Konnan hits a rolling thunder clothesline on Swinger. Tequila Sunrise is applied (apparently no longer named as such though – as Tenay calls it “a submission move”), and Diamond breaks it up. Legdrop off the top by Killings hits the groin of Swinger, and Konnan applies a standing figure four. Diamond hits the ring, so Konnan hits him with a jawbreaker. Sunset flip from Swinger has Konnan roll through and follow with a dropkick to the face of Swinger. This match is feeling incredibly…methodical in its delivery. Swinger sits down on Konnan’s attempt at a backdrop and gets 2. Konnan rolls out of it, holding Swinger and gets 2. Another roll up gets 2. Konnan comes off the ropes – but Gilberti trips him up, allowing the champs to hit a double Flatliner and scores the pin. (3:58) The Truth comes in and powerslams Swinger, followed by a double hiptoss with James. Elbowdrop gets a two for BG. Konnan gets revenge and trips up Swinger, at which point James hits the pumphandle slam to eliminate him. (5:14) Gilberti sneaks in to lowblow James – and softens him up for Diamond to kick his ass. Drop toe hold, in comes Gilberti, elbowdrop – and only 2. Diamond comes back in and tries to keep James from tagging out. Gilberti distracts the ref – and we have a blind tag. Referee tells Killings to stay put, he never saw it. That leaves James in the ring, but not for long. Stunner, superkick, cover, goodnight. (6:59) 2-1 against The Truth! Killings fights them both off and delivers a dropkick for both men. Gilberti is whipped to the turnbuckle, and accidently avalanche’s his own man. Killings nails Gilberti with a powerslam, but misses a dropkick. Gilberti drops an elbow and tags in Diamond. He only gets 2. Gilberti back in, and takes a missile dropkick from the former champ. Diamond back in, and meets the forearm from Killings. Gilberti takes an axekick, Diamond takes a gourdbuster, and that’s enough for Killings to get a pinfall! (9:17) Gilberti stomps at Killings while THE REAL DAVID YOUNG heads down to ringside. Killings hits a DDT for 2. The announcers sell how exhausted Killings must be. Yeesh, I can’t even imagine how he must have felt after some of these in that case. Killings is rolled to the outside where he launches Gilberti into the guardrail. Killings hits a leapfrog clothesline on Gilberti – going right over the head of David Young in the process. Killings gets a chair, but Young pulls it away and throws it in Killings’ face. Gilberti rolls him in, 1, 2, 3. (11:11) *1/4 That was terrible. Gilberti orders Young to beat up Killings – which he does. Konnan and James run back for the save – and when Young turns to find help, he can’t. Let’s head to the back…
SCOTT HUDSON is surrounded by THE NEW CHURCH. Mitchell says Raven clearly lacks sense – and promises revenge for Raven’s attempt to choke him out. He says the New Church is like a Hydra, where if you cut off one head, 8 more will appear. If Raven takes out one mouse, Mitchell will simply build a better one. As far as tonight is concerned – Mitchell says Sinn will be taking on the pain game. Slash demonstrates the toughness of the man by PLAYING DARTS ON HIS BACK. Yowch. Ladies and gentlemen, this promotion has just sunk into a whole new world of Stuff That Makes Me Cringe.
FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (with Mini-Onions)
Kazarian brings roses for the TNA girls. Christopher Daniels has got the most generic music on the planet. Various holds are traded to start before Kazarian gets a back heel trip. That’s followed with a dropkick and running clothesline. Swinging dropkick in the corner connects, and Daniels rolls out. Kazarian won’t let him get away that easy and hits a suicide dive! Daniels does what he can to get away, and rolls in. Kazarian follows him with a slingshot DDT for an early 2. Daniels comes back by pulling Kazarian hairfirst to the mat. Enzuigiri kick gets a 2 while the fans start a “FALLEN ANGEL” chant. Meh – this is boring. You know – I wonder what AJ Styles is doing right now…
Thank you helpful screen! In the back, THE CHAMP, EKMO, THE SON, and TRINITY wander around the parking lot. And I was missing out on this because there was a MATCH going on? For shame TNA! SCOTT HUDSON tries to fit in, but is ignored.
Back to the ring, Daniels is working over Kazarian with punches on the mat. Scoop slam is followed by a legdrop for 2.
Hey – we cut to the back again! YAY!!!!!!!!!! Nothing exciting at ALL is taking place, but hot damn, I’m sure glad we get to watch this. Trinity is speaking on a cell phone to someone interesting I’m sure.
Kazarian’s begun hitting dropkicks and slaps Daniels. Spinning legdrop gets a 2 count. Kazarian tries an electric chair drop, but Daniels rolls through and gets a 2. Chokeslam, followed by a double spring moonsault gets 2. Angels Wings are called for – but Kazarian floats over and out, and delivers a BIG HUGE BOOT! The move must have come as a 2-for-1 when he stole Test’s pants. Last Rites is reversed into a snapmare, and that’s followed by the Back To The Future! 1, 2, Daniels gets a foot on the bottom rope. Kazarian tries to keep the momentum flowing, but a Minion trips him up – and one Angels Wings later finishes the job. (5:59) *1/2 Daniels threatens to call his brothers. Oh man – not JEFF Daniels. Though he and Jim Carrey might make an interesting tag-team. Nothing special here – and Christopher Daniels is slowly following Jerry Lynn into the Most Overrated On The Indy Scene range.
THE GATHERING sits around in the dark. Raven promises pain for Jim Mitchell’s gang. “Does it really matter how high your tolerance for pain is when you’re unconscious. Raven Effect – short trip, bad landing.” Raven asks his friends to let him take care of this one on his own.
TERRY TAYLOR dawns the stripes and gets booed when JEREMY BORASH gives him an intro.
KID KASH and MANKIND vs. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED
Pier 486 brawl to start. In other words – it starts slow. AMW dumps Kash and Abyss to the outside, which is kind of an error, because there’s a whole new world of interesting things for Abyss to do out there. Specifically, throw them at things that hurt. He does this, and the momentum changes REAL fast. Back in, Kash slams Storm and Abyss slams Kash onto Storm. Abyss then covers – but Taylor is slow and possibly costs them an early win. Don West then goes on about how professional Taylor is. Who are you – Jim Ross? Abyss pounds away and scoop slams him. Kash hits a somersault legdrop and Abyss follows with a big splash – but Taylor won’t count because Abyss isn’t the legal man. So Kash covers and Taylor does the world’s worst count job, without actively looking like he’s screwing it up. Yikes – now that’s a feat. Double team elbow, and Abyss throws Kash on Storm senton style! Abyss gets a 2. Kash slams Storm and orders Abyss to the top rope. Kash climbs – and MISSES the moonsault off Abyss’ shoulders! In comes Chris Harris! He beats the piss out of Abyss – and dodges an avalanche that leads to Abyss crotching himself on the middle rope! Storm gets in and they hit a double team flapjack. It’s a good thing that wasn’t Sylvain Grenier who helped hitting that, or Abyss might never have recovered. They send Kash outside, and Storm gets elevated with help from Harris – hitting a plancha on Kash. This leaves Abyss and Harris alone – and Harris clotheslines him. Harris heads up, but Abyss cuts him off. Storm gets back in, but so does Kash, and Abyss spears Storm at the same time as Kash clotheslines him! Cover, 1, 2, Storm kicks out. Kash throws a fit, and Taylor shoves him off the apron. HEY! That’s not fair! Harris spears Abyss from the top…and only gets 2! Kash grabs a chair, which is immediately yanked away by Taylor, so Kash has enough of this shit and enzuigiri’s Taylor. Good. Begone crappy ref. Harris spears Kash to the floor while Storm tries a superkick on Abyss. Ain’t happening pal. Abyss blocks it with ease and runs Harris back to the corner turnbuckle HARD. Storm comes back with a swinging noose on Abyss – but we have no ref. Kash throws a chair at the face of Storm, covers…and still no ref. MIKE POSEY arrives, 1, 2, Storm kicks out. So Kash throws his ass out for not counting fast enough. Kash throws the chair to Harris, who throws it back, and Storm hits a superkick on the chair to Kash’s face!!!!! Cover, Taylor rolls in, 1, 2, 3! (7:51) *** Abyss is nervous about the fact he didn’t break it up. Kash shoves Abyss around for screwing up and slaps him. Abyss holds back his rage while Kash REALLY starts to tear into him verbally. Abyss sadly heads to the back, but Kash isn’t done. He keeps screaming, so Abyss comes back in. Kash tells him to get the hell to the back and slaps him again, so Abyss shows him what a slap REALLY is – knocking out every tooth in his mouth I’m sure. He signals for the Black Hole, but Kash kicks him in the groin! It doesn’t stop Abyss who backdrops Kash, but can’t hit a Black Hole because Kash bails FAST.
THE JACKYL and RED SHIRT SECURITY are smiling. D’Lo Brown has apparently left the building, and SCOTT HUDSON wants answers. Callis says he can find another idiot to stand in the ring and shake his head for 10 minutes without any problems. D’Lo left because he’s afraid of Red Shirt Security apparently. Callis reminds us this is a business – and he’s not going to tolerate people stirring it up, and everyone can leave as far as he’s concerned because everyone is replaceable. Hudson himself is on the bubble if he doesn’t watch his step.
THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS
I was going to transcribe this until Douglas did what he does best and talked for way too long and way too fast. Douglas says there’s a lot of talent in TNA – and he is going to take one lucky person and make them a star. He’s made a lot of changes in the wrestling business single-handedly and would like to help someone else do the same. He plans on building a new Franchise – and will show us that he can show it to anyone, even someone outside the business. He wants someone to prove to him that they can stand side by side with him, because if they can, he can make big things happen.
SINN (with The Lounge Singer) vs. RAVEN
Raven does NOT waste time, and pounds the crap out of Sinn before the bell. He’s wearing a dog collar and beats on the face of Sinn with the chain. More shots follow – and we’ve drawn blood already! Raven takes off the collar and chases Mitchell around. Sinn gets in a clothesline while Raven’s distracted, but Raven rakes the eyes. Raven clotheslines Sinn and beats his chest like a gorilla. Running clothesline, bulldog, Evenflow, 1, 2, 3! (2:55) 1/2* Raven chokes out Sinn with the chain and hangs him over the top rope, just as has been done to him many times. Mitchell attacks Raven with his cane to make him stop – which prompts Raven to back him up. SLASH hits the ring and takes Raven down with a Final Cut. Slash misses a chain shot and takes a superkick from Raven. Raven trips him up with the chain and whips the exposed back! Again he has a shot at Mitchell, but can’t do anything without drawing out MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER. Go home Vampiro. He hits a (crappy) Evenflow on Raven, and Slash puts the chain back on Raven’s neck. They drag him to the back where they go to hang him, just as they did a couple of weeks ago. CM PUNK hits the scene to chase off Vampiro and Mitchell while JULIO DENIRO goes upstairs to pound at Slash until he releases the chain. Slash runs away while the Gathering lovingly tend to Raven’s wounds.
MIKE TENAY has a Huge Announcement. The date – November 30, 2003. NWA TNA will present their first ever mega PPV named “Bound For Glory”!
NEXT WEEK: Kid Kash and Abyss will face off. Raven’s quest to take out the New Church will continue. Erik Watts has challenged Kevin Northcutt to a one-on-one match. And Roddy Piper is watching tonight’s show, and would like to have a statement next week. TNA officials are considering it.
THE CHAMP, TRINITY, EKMO, and THE SON are still all standing around. VIC VENOM finally arrives, drunk off his ass and falls face first into Trinity’s tits. “LET’S GET THE PARTY STARTED AND…HOLEEEE SHIT! I’ve been out in the front AJ. I had to do some thinking about last week, and listen, I love you kid. Forget the crap, this is what’s important. I love AJ! It’s about the belt, and it’s about humiliating an old man. Now let’s go. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
I feel REALLY guilty being entertained by Russo. He’s starting to win me over.
Here’s a video package of the Rhodes/Styles feud.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Rhodes Styles 6'2" Height 5'11" 312 Weight 215 35 Years Pro 4
- Styles humiliation led to challenge - Are Russo and Styles on same page? - Can “The Dream” realize his ultimate dream
DUSTY RHODES vs. THE CHAMP (with Vinny Ru and Trinity) (for the NWA world heavyweight title)
Russo drinks all the way down to the ring, likely having watched some 2000 era WCW earlier in the day. JEREMY BORASH does the ring intros for kicks. Russo helpfully points Dusty Rhodes out to AJ – informing him he’s the one to attack. Raven apparently has wound up back in an emergency room again. We lock up at the 1:30 mark, and Dusty drives him back to the corner. Rhodes backs up, and struts a bit, like a peacock. Styles gets in a couple of kicks at the legs while Tenay sells Dusty’s old knees, since Dusty’s not much interested in selling them. Rhodes throws Styles across the ring and delivers a bionic elbow on the apron. A punch sends Styles to the floor. Dusty follows him out, and chops him on the guardrail, before throwing him into another part. They wander out into the crowd, and Tenay lets out an “if you weeeel!” Styles tries to fight back. He throws some stiff looking punches, and Dusty’s busted open – likely the hard way as it’s his eyebrow that’s open. Styles sets up a chair – tries to springboard off of it, but Dusty gets in a shot to the midsection in midair, and throws the chair at Styles’ face. Dusty sits down and takes a breather, apparently blown up from the 2 moves and 6 minutes of action. Styles gets in a few extra shots and rolls Dusty back into the ring. Rhodes falls back to the corner and the referee checks in. Styles doesn’t give them much time though, as Styles promptly continues the assault. Dusty comes back with a bionic elbow! Oh great, the back rake is brought out of retirement. He gets in a couple more shots, but Styles knees him in the gut and kicks away. Mid ring, Styles clamps on a chinlock. Rhodes is rapidly being exposed as being Much Older Than We All Thought. The chinlock is held for 2 minutes before Dusty gets out of it. Styles hits a crossbody which Dusty has no idea how to sell – and crumples giving Styles a 2. Styles misses a springboard 450 splash – and Dusty’s on his feet. He grabs Styles by the legs and wraps them around the ringpost. Rhodes poses while Russo cradles Styles in his arms. Rhodes drags Styles back to the middle of the ring and signals for the figure four! He applies the move and Styles sells it Old Skool! Styles throws the ref to the floor while flopping around, and taps out! The ref is outside the ring though and misses it. Trinity throws the bat in to Styles, and he smacks Dusty in the legs – because heaven forbid we have a clean finish. Styles puts a figure four of his own on Rhodes – and gets some leverage help from Russo, but Russo falls down because he’s hammered. Styles has to use the ropes instead and pulls like crazy. Rhodes passes out from the pain and gets counted down, 1, 2, 3. (15:42) * And that’s Styles’ longest title defence to date.
Russo gets into the ring now with the stick and cries about Styles being humiliated two weeks in a row – and wants to whip Dusty’s bare ass like Rhodes did to Styles. Styles attacks Rhodes and drags him right to the middle of the ring. BLACK SHIRT SECURITY attempts to stop the attack – but they’re held off by EKMO and THE SON. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED tries to clear the ring, and manage to take them out briefly before Styles attacks with the baseball bat, and Ekmo does the rest. Now, with Rhodes in the middle of the ring – Russo orders the removal of Dusty’s pants. TRIPLE J comes out to ringside with a chair and cleans house. Everyone gets a chair shot – stopping short of Dusty Rhodes. Russo gets on the mic and says he’s tired of trying to get him back on his side, and assures Jarrett he’ll have the title shot on the 22nd stripped. Dusty gets the microphone and wants a piece of Russo, Ekmo, and Siaki – in a match against Rhodes and AMW. Russo drunkenly agrees. And we head out…
And as much as I love the guy, we can hope that ends the main event career of Dusty Rhodes.
I didn't read it the same way you did. I thought it was a humor piece where the author made fun of himself for harping on midcard wrestlers from 10 years ago. I thought it was too silly to be taken seriously. I also laughed and thought it was funny.