LAST WEEK: We have serious technical problems during this package, hearing nothing except the crowd chanting that they can’t hear it.
FBI warning leads the crowd in an “FBI” chant. Hah! Forget flashy graphics, let’s allow the crowd to carry the show.
LAST WEEK – TAKE TWO: Raven and his crew get hung like puppets. Terry Taylor defeats Kid Kash with help from AMW. Jerry Lynn becomes the #1 contender to the X Title. Shark Boy and Mad Mikey are taken out by Ekmo and Sonny Siaki. Dusty Rhodes nearly get a World Title shot…in 2003.
VIC VENOM and THE CHAMP are walking around backstage and bump into SCOTT HUDSON. Russo says there may not even be a tag-team match tonight for our main event. Whaddaya know – he IS giving the fans what they want.
Opening! The fans cheer on the opening. WHAT is with the audio tonight???
AMERICA’S MOST WANTED vs. KID KASH and MANKIND
Well, we can hear Jeremy Borash introduce people – but the apparently the announce table isn’t hooked up. Bad sign. I guess I’m on my own. Tons of stalling by Kash to start, who smacks around Abyss. The jist being it’s Abyss’ job to kill off AMW I imagine. So he starts and can’t catch up to the much faster James Storm. Kash tags himself in and takes down Storm with a drop toe hold. Hey – welcome aboard announce crew! We’ll get to you in a few minutes. Storm with a shoulderblock to drop Kash – and takes him over with hiptosses. Jawbreaker over the top stuns Kash – and a crossbody from the top gets 2. In comes Harris with an atomic drop followed by a Russian legsweep by Storm for 2. Swinging neckbreaker from Harris gets 2. Kash has enough of this, flips him off, mouths the word “fuck you” and tags in Abyss. Neither member of AMW is much interested in standing toe to toe with Abyss. Kash jaws with Jeremy Borash. Chris Harris gets thrown back to the corner, and pauses, unsure how to attack the monster. Going right at him, a shoulderblock knocks him down – and open handed slaps leave him stinging. Harris turns it around, and chops and hammers away like mad. Storm and Harris take turns wringing Abyss’ arm, just like last week – and finally Kash comes in and slaps Abyss. Abyss threatens to attack, and the crowd explodes! Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, and Harris gets press slammed. Abyss moonsault’s Kash onto Harris, then drops a leg himself and gets 2. Snapmare from Kash is moved into a dragon sleeper. Kash tries a rana – but misses, and gets catapulted. Storm and Abyss come in…and Storm actually wins it with a series of fast punches and kicks. Harris comes in to aid – but gets knocked down and Abyss goes up. Harris cuts him off, and Abyss is crotched. Yowwww! Kash takes out Harris – stands on Abyss who’s still stuck in the corner, and moonsaults Harris!!!!!! Storm rushes over and actually HITS A RANA on Abyss! Jesus – he flew! Harris spears Kash – Storm superkicks Abyss, and then they double spear Abyss just to be sure! Kash sneaks in a chairshot behind the back of the referee on Storm in the face. Harris jumps on Kash and they fall to the outside, leaving Abyss alone to hit the Black Hole on Storm. 1, 2, 3! (11:23) ** Decent match, and Abyss continues to impress. TERRY TAYLOR comes running out and tries to get the decision reversed, leading to another Kid Kash/Terry Taylor fight. Abyss adds just enough shots to give Kash the edge – and they beat him down until AMW rushes back in with chairs to run them off.
Audio problems be damned, welcome MIKE TENAY and DON WEST. Tenay mentions that Jeff Jarrett has a date for a World Title shot, on October 22. THE JACKYL interrupts the rundown of tonight’s matches – upset about last week’s treatment. Tenay blows him off, and sends it to…
SCOTT HUDSON who’s standing with MICHAEL SHANE. Shane says he’s better than Shawn Michaels because Shawn never won an Ultimate X match, and never was the X Division champion. So from here on out, Michaels will be known as Michael Shane’s cousin.
X FACTORS - Lynn wins 5 way elim to get title shot - 40 year old Lynn’s career at crossroads - Ultimate experience vs. youth matchup
JERRY LYNN vs. MICHAEL SHANE (for the NWA X title)
JEREMY BORASH introduces TONY PENA – who he claims is a promoter from Mexico, but we all know is a former Major League Baseball manager. Who do these guys at TNA think they’re fooling? Borash continues the lie – stating he’s responsible for guys like Juventud Guerrera and Rey Mysterio Jr., but I JUST read an interview with Konnan that says he’s responsible and Konnan wouldn’t lie. Go back to managing Tony! Lynn holds open the ropes for Pena to leave – at which point Shane attacks Lynn from behind. Now that’s dirty! Lynn fights back and hits an atomic drop followed by a clothesline. The audio’s still kinda funny here where we can hear the announcers but not much from the ring or crowd. Lynn dropkicks Shane that sends him shoulder first to the ring post somehow. They fight to the floor – but quickly get back in, and a monkey flip gets 1 for Lynn. An eye poke gives Shane the advantage for a second, but Lynn quickly applies a headscissors on the mat. Another monkey flip throws Shane across the ring – but he comes back to dump Lynn. Lynn attempts to skin the cat, but there’s Shane ready to dropkick him in the face on the way up. HAH! Shane sends Lynn into the steps face first and a “HAIL SABIN!” chant erupts. Why? Well, SUPER CHRIS SABIN has made his way down, trophy in hand. Sabin’s annoyed that Michael Shane has said that Sabin can’t carry his jock, and wants a title shot. He says he’ll put his trophy on the line next week if it gets him a title shot. And with that, he pulls up a chair at ringside which seems to distract Shane. Shane starts paintbrushing Lynn for fun – which infuriates Lynn and leads to a backdrop, clothesline, and tornado DDT getting 2. Shane comes back with the flying Jalapeno! Shane and Sabin continue jawing – giving Lynn a chance to spear Shane. Lynn turns to Sabin and tells him “you’re next!” He then shaves his head bald, grows a foot, puts on 100 pounds, and beats Jerry Flynn and Meng on Monday nights for the rest of his life. A standing sidekick drops Michael Shane and a TKO follows for 2. Lynn goes for the Cradle Piledriver, but it’s reversed by Shane into a backdrop for 2. Shane goes up, tries a tornado DDT but it’s blocked – and he winds up crotched HUGE right on the top rope. Lynn dropkicks him to the outside, then leaps off the apron delivering a rana! Shane gets launched into the ringsteps. Sabin gets in Lynn’s face, so Lynn shoves him off and drives Shane into the apron. They go back in where Lynn hits a backbreaker, goes up – but having pissed off Sabin, Sabin pulls him off the top and Shane hits Sweet Chin Music for the pin! (9:54) *1/4 Jerry Lynn still sucks. Nothing new here.
To the back we go, MAD MIKEY and SHARK BOY are being interviewed by SCOTT HUDSON. They don’t say anything before D’LO BROWN shows up. D’Lo says if they need back up tonight, he’s right there. THE JACKYL overhears this with RED SHIRT SECURITY and tells D’Lo if he starts going out there for himself he will see red. Callis tells him he’ll wrestle his match, go to the back, take a shower, and take his stuff and go home and nothing else.
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (with the Mini-Onions) vs. D’LO BROWN
Neither one of these guys does anything for me – but we’ll see what transpires. As the match starts, Tenay informs us that Jerry Lynn, still in his wrestling gear, has left the TNA Asylum. Good riddance! D’Lo chops away at Daniels, but Daniels takes the leg out and applies a headlock. They trade hiptosses and come to a stand off. Dropkick from D’Lo gets 2. Daniels gets sent outside – and D’Lo hits him with a baseball slide dropkick. Scoop slam on the floor, and the Minions surround D’Lo. One gets too close, so D’Lo nails him allowing Daniels to sneak in and hit a placha. D’Lo isn’t phased and drops Daniels down on the guardrail. D’Lo heads up and tries to hit something from the top turnbuckle, but Daniels sidesteps and chest first into the steel he goes. Back in, Daniels spears the now injured ribs! Daniels rushes towards D’Lo in the corner who gets the boot up – tries to follow with a moonsault, but it’s blocked by jabbing the knees into the ribs. Man alive, much more of this and D’Lo’s gonna have to haul the old chest protector back out. Daniels steps on D’Lo’s chest, hits a moonsault and gets a 2. Knee to the ribs, abdominal stretch – with added rib shots. THE JACKYL and RED SHIRT SECURITY are on the ramp for whatever reason. D’Lo comes back with a schoolboy for 2, and follows that with a Stunner. A couple of clotheslines follow, and a spinebuster gets 2 for the Brown. More clotheslines on the way – so a Minion grabs one of D’Lo’s feet. D’Lo stupidly turns around and hits a slingshot plancha onto the group of them instead of focusing on the match. A jawbreaker across the top rope connects – and D’Lo goes to the top. Red Shirt Security comes to the ringside to tell D’Lo off about something, giving Daniels JUST enough time to leap up and take him down – followed by the Last Rites for the pin! (7:58) **1/4
ERIK WATTS isn’t happy with Red Shirt security and asks that they pay the medical bills for RICK SANTEL, standing by his side. THE JACKYL with RED SHIRT SECURITY join the back and reminds Watts that Santel in an independent contractor and TNA has no responsibility in the matter – and if anyone should take responsibility it’s Watts who booked the match in the first place.
Here’s more of that RODDY PIPER interview. Piper feels that for the first time in the history of wrestling, the wrestlers have a chance at health insurance. He doesn’t get into *how* they’re going to get health insurance however. Tenay mentions there’s only 2 wrestling feds left – and both have closed the door to Piper. Is it time to move on? Piper says he is wrestling, and he can’t move on. Tenay wants some final words from Piper. Piper says he’s never quit anything in his life, and he’s not going to start now.
TRIPLE J warms up backstage, while THE CHAMP puts on some clothes. October 22 – Styles vs. Jarrett, for the belt.
THE SON and EKMO (with Trinity) vs. MAD MIKEY and SHARK BOY
In the great tradition of Thanksgiving – it’s time for squash! Mikey and Shark Boy stomp on Ekmo’s hands as he climbs onto the ring, then suplex Siaki in from the apron. Siaki is set up across the middle rope. Both guys call for it and hit the 1238! Atomic drop on Siaki from Mikey. Siaki is hoisted onto Mikey’s shoulders – and Shark Boy hits a missile dropkick. Big wiggles for everyone! Ekmo comes back with a Samoan drop, trying to give the advantage back to Siaki, but Siaki immediately takes a jawbreaker from Shark Boy. The rana is blocked and turned into a side slam. It gets 2. In comes Ekmo who hits a superkick, Siaki hits a neckbreaker, Ekmo covers and pulls him up at 2. Shark Boy comes back with...well, let’s let Tenay take this one. Tenay: “We talk about unique offense, but I never anticipated Shark Boy biting Ekmo in the butt.” It turns right back around with Ekmo running his ass right into Shark Boy’s face in the corner, HARD! It gets 2. Shark Boy is set on Ekmo’s knee – and Siaki bounces off the middle turnbuckle with a splash onto Shark Boy getting 2. Shark Boy manages to get a neckbreaker, and starts the long crawl to the corner, and tags in Mad Mikey. Mikey avoids a blind charge from Ekmo – then uses him to hit a tornado bulldog on Siaki! Ekmo follows with an elbowdrop that misses and hits Siaki instead. The job squad each climb a corner and do the 10-punch-count-a-long – and finish with a bite. Shark Boy comes off the top with a crossbody, but gets caught and put in a military press position from Ekmo…which Siaki hits a Diamond Cutter off of. Ekmo goes to the top rope and splashes Shark Boy to get the academic 3. (4:41) *1/2 Siaki and Ekmo are going places if TNA wants them to… Siaki powerbombs Mad Mikey onto Shark Boy in a 69 position – and Ekmo goes for a splash. D’LO BROWN runs in to save the day and attacks Ekmo. A clothesline takes him down – at which point Trinity comes in to get in a lowblow…which is blocked and she gets nailed with Sky High! Now cue RED SHIRT SECURITY who hit the ring and beat the piss out of D’Lo. THE JACKYL gets into the ring while they handcuff him. West agrees with it, only because they warned D’Lo first – for which Tenay LOSES it. They yell at eachother as we cut to…
Here’s a sitdown with DIAMOND and SWINGER – with THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY and DAVID YOUNG. Diamond is thankful that Glen gave him a chance when nobody else would, and calls himself the flag bearer for the company. Tenay wants an update on Johnny Swinger’s emergency appendectomy – but Swinger isn’t about to give him a straight answer because he doesn’t feel Tenay gives a damn. He mentions most athletes would be out 6 months to a year, and some might call it a career – but here he is, one week later. Gilberti says he’s not the typical 1980’s manager. He doesn’t have a tennis racket, he’s not a walking gimmick – he’s here to watch out for their best interests. Tenay wonders if David Young is part of the group. Gilberti says no – he was a one week replacement, which David whines about a little. Gilberti says if he wants to prove himself, he can take his place in a match against The Sandman – and if he wins, they might consider it.
DUSTY RHODES and TRIPLE J are with SCOTT HUDSON. Rhodes calls Russo nothing but unwanted baggage to the World Champion – and promises a whoopin’ on the hiney of Styles. He wants Styles to rid himself of the baggage. Dusty says that this is another night under the old learning tree. Jarrett promises to get his title back in 3 weeks.
VIC VENOM is throwing a fit in THE CHAMP’s locker room from the words we just heard spoken.
DAVID YOUNG vs. THE SANDMAN (with kendo stick, cigarette, and beer)
Sandman’s entrance takes (2:14) – or approximately twice as long as a 1999 RAW main event. David Young attacks Sandman before he can even enter the ring. Back in, Young hits a clothesline off the top and follows with a scoop slam. Moonsault followed – but Sandman gets his knees up! Sandman hits a running corner senton and drapes Young over the top rope. The legdrop off the top connects – and Sandman pulls Young to the floor. Chops follow – wooooo! Sandman sets up a chair – bounces off it, and runs right into Young! Back in, Young rakes the eyes and kicks Sandman in the head. He launches Sandman overhead suplex into the corner! That gets 2. Sandman perches Young on the top rope and hits a rana!!!! Senton follows – and gets 3! (4:12) * Sandman celebrates on the ramp – and out of nowhere comes THE MIDNIGHT COWBOY with a chairshot to the head. DIAMOND and SWINGER are right behind. With Sandman laid out – they go into the ring where Gilberti shakes the hand of Young…then kisses him. We all know what’s happening next – as Diamond cracks Young from behind with a chair. We have ourselves a beatdown, and a possible face turn! 3 LIVE KRU hits the ring to save the day.
VINNY RU pounds on the door of TRIPLE J. Russo yells that Dusty doesn’t give a shit about Jarrett – and Russo’s the only one who ever cared, so why not start over? Jarrett says he’s a sick man. Everyone and their mother can see where this is going.
THE DISCIPLES OF THE NEW CHURCH and MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER (with Shane Douglas and The Lounge Singer) vs. 3 LIVE CRU
Mitchell thanks Douglas for allowing him the chance to turn Raven’s head into a festering puss ridden sore (he really has a way with words, doesn’t he?) – but also for putting the nail in the coffin and hanging him last week. He shakes hands with Douglas – and says anytime he needs something just to call. I guess that ends that alliance for the time being? 3 Live Cru come out and the Church allows Konnan to talk. Bah. Douglas joins the commentary table. Slash gets hiptossed by Killings to start – but comes back and chops him in the corner. Big boot to Killings and a right hand drops him. In comes Sinn – just in time for an axekick! Konnan comes in to put a hammerlock on Sinn, followed by a Mexico Crab. Sinn gets out and in comes Vampiro. Hey – do these two still hate eachother’s guts? Rolling clothesline from Konnan knocks Vampiro out to the floor. BG James is in now. Slash nails James from behind, so James clears the apron of heels – but takes a right from Vampiro that levels him. Sinn sets up James over his knee, allowing Slash a chance to hit a slingshot legdrop. Sinn dropkicks James right into a Russian legsweep from Slash getting 2. James comes back with a pumphandle on Slash and tags in Killings. He dropkicks Sinn and Slash all at once – and kicks Vampiro into a powerbomb from James! Everyone gets dumped leaving Vampiro and Killings alone. Front suplex connects – cover, but Mitchell’s on the apron distracting the referee. He throws his cane to Vamp who levels Killings, and that’s the first DQ I think I’ve seen for a few weeks. (7:00) **1/2 RAVEN with a chain around his neck hits the ring. And he is PISSED! Everyone takes a beating, and he makes sure he’s the only one left standing with Mitchell. He wraps a chain around the neck of Mitchell, at which point Douglas gets back in to save – but he gets dumped! Mitchell runs off while Raven poses. “Look at my face Jim Mitchell. You and your church have left me beaten, battered, and bloody. You shaved my head and humiliated me, and last week you tried to hang me. You’re looking at a man with nothing left to lose. Jim Mitchell, I will make you suffer internally and eternally. But I won’t come for you first…” Pause for a Raven chant. “I won’t come for you first. I want you to bear witness as I take out Vampiro, the Church, and Shane Douglas. One by one I will eliminate them until only you and I are left standing. Dream blood Jim Mitchell, dream blood, because I promise you a lifetime of sleepless nights. When it’s quiet, and you’re alone in bed, and you can hear your heart beating so hard you think you’re gonna choke – it’s going to beat out the words ‘Raven… Raven… Raven…’ Dream blood Jim Mitchell, dream blood. I will have my retribution. Quoth the Raven, nevermore.”
NEXT WEEK: Kid Kash and Abyss get AMW again – but this time Terry Taylor is the special referee. Chris Sabin will put his Super X Trophy on the line against Michael Shane and the X Title. And finally Chris Vaughn has recruited D’Lo Brown to take on Red Shirt Security.
THE CHAMP and MARTIN BRODEUR (with Trinity) vs. TRIPLE J and DUSTY RHODES
Russo has signed with the New Jersey Devils apparently. Rhodes and Styles start. Styles shows he’s too quick for Rhodes, bouncing around the ring. Finally they go to lock up and Dusty starts the clubberin’. Styles comes back with kicks to Rhodes – but he takes one too many which is blocked by Dusty, and he hits a Bionic Elbow. In comes Jarrett – off the middle rope with an axehandle. Styles tries to comeback with a dropkick, but misses and Jarrett struts. Jarrett hits a nekbreaker – turns towards Russo who drops off the apron – spins back around and takes a dropkick. Vertical suplex gets 1 from Styles. Jarrett chases Russo who again takes off – and Styles again hits a dropkick. Jarrett comes back with a German suplex and nearly drops Styles right on his head! Dusty comes in with a vertical suplex and starts the shots. Flip flop and fly – and another Bionic Elbow. Russo tries to get a shot in with the baseball bat, but Dusty scares him off, giving Styles a chance to clip him at the knees. Jarrett accidently distracts the ref – Styles grabs the bat, and goes to work on Dusty’s ass. Sure, hit the part with the most padding, brilliant strategy. Styles drops down on Dusty’s leg while Trinity holds it in place and tags in Russo. Russo whips Dusty with a leather strap – no DQ is called – and Styles comes right back in. Styles bars the leg and Russo whips it some more. Rhodes gets to his feet – Russo bails, and Styles clips the knee again. Styles misses a blind charge giving Dusty a chance to tag out and here comes Superman. He backdrops Styles – belts Russo – powerbombs Trinity – and delivers a gutbuster on Styles. Figure four is called for, but Russo comes in – so Jarrett puts the figure four on him. Russo doesn’t tap of course. Styles tries to hit Jarrett with the bat, but Jarrett blocks the shot and whacks Russo in the knee with it. He then nails Styles in the midsection – where the force is so hard Styles winds up on turnbuckle. Jarrett hits a Super Stroke, and gets in some extra shots on Russo. Rhodes comes in to cover Styles, and gets the win. (9:33) **
Styles is on the floor and throws a FIT about the fact Dusty was able to pin him. He grabs a live microphone…never a good idea when you’re upset. “SCREW YOU JEFF! SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAT BUDDY! That’s two weeks! Two weeks in a row you fat piece of crap! Nobody embarrasses me like that. NOBODY! You know what? Next week – you and me, mono y mono – any kind of match you want. You want a bull whip match whatever that is. You want a Texas monkey, whatever… You want a Texas…whatever you can think of. A Texas pig eating contest? Whatever you can think of.” Russo gets in the way. “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?” *WHAM* Well… I think AJ made his point with that shot. “I’m a little sick of you. You don’t own me. Nobody does! It’s between you and me Dusty, not Jeff Jarrett.” Dusty weighs his options – and decides the one stipulation he really wants is a World Title match. Jarrett’s grin suddenly changes to annoyance and shoves Rhodes. Jarrett’s pissed because he was next in line for Styles, but Rhodes tries to blow it off. ALL SORTS OF REFEREES and BLACK SHIRT SECURITY try to keep the two from coming to blows – but there’s nothing Jarrett can do. It’s Rhodes vs. Styles for the belt – next week.
Would it be too far fetched to figure Rhodes wins the belt, Jarrett turns heel, and takes it right off Rhodes?
So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't)