A return to work and a promotion. (Well…no more money, but a position upgrade.) Yay me.
I’m really late, I’m sorry! Blame general laziness.
TNA IS ON THE AIR AND WE DON’T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO MEET OUR HOSTS MIKE TENAY AND DON WEST WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIVE FROM THE ASYLUM BECAUSE DAMMIT THERE’S A BIG IMPORTANT MATCH ALREADY….
D’LO BROWN vs. AJ STYLES (with Trinity) (in a pinfall only match)
Vince Russo has been barred from ringside, but Trinity hasn’t because the board of directors are thinking with their penises, as all major companies are prone to doing. You KNOW it’s important because JEREMY BORASH is making his serious face. Here’s the fancy graphic to inform us this is a championship bout (well…not THIS match) – and we’re off. The boys stall, opting instead to get in each other’s faces and scream about mayonnaise. From what I can make out, AJ believes it’s the work of the devil, while D’Lo just can’t get through a sandwich without. AJ finally has enough of D’Lo running his mouth (and smelling mayo breath) – so he puts him in a headlock. D’Lo escapes and belts AJ with a forearm. Boot to the midsection – whip – back elbow smash. D’Lo goes to the top – flying clothesline, and that’s a 2. AJ tries a comeback with a rana – but D’Lo stops and appears to be trying a Styles Clash? Christ, it’s bad enough ONE guy in this company uses a move that could leave a line of paraplegic’s, we DON’T need two. Styles rolls through the move – and clamps on an anklelock. D’Lo manages to reverse and apply an anklelock of his own. AJ gets to his feet, so D’Lo plants him with a front powerbomb that likely has a name, but I just woke up and I’m not in the mood to look it up. West calls D’Lo “Dino”, likely due to his purple tights. D’Lo tries a leapfrog in the corner, but takes a double leg slam. Beautiful dropkick – fuck you Bob Holly! Cover, only 2. D’Lo uses a great deal of energy hitting a belly to back suplex – and is met with a spinning heel kick shortly there after, giving AJ a 2. Now – we’ve just hit the 12th round (4 minutes and 30 seconds in) in this classic Apollo Creed/Rocky Balboa matchup, where the boys are throwing their heavy, tired punches at one another. Somewhere, Bret Hart weeps. Clothesline from D’Lo, followed by a spinning heel kick that I didn’t know he could do. Spinebuster – cover, that’s only a 2 pal! AJ comes right back with a Northern Lights suplex with a bridge, for 2. D’Lo throws AJ to the floor – so the ref goes to check on him. Trinity sneaks onto the apron and does SOMETHING the camera misses, and D’Lo’s out. AJ springs off the top rope with a 450 splash…and it’s ONLY 2. Shit, that should have been it. AJ heads right back to the top, where D’Lo cuts him off and heads up himself. Top rope fallaway slam – D’Lo covers, but Trinity is busy sucking the referee off. THE SON suddenly heads in from nowhere, and hits D’Lo with a pumphandle into Rikishi Driver. AJ covers, and gets the pin??? What a dumb fucking finish. (7:45) *3/4
Tenay notes the last match certainly was a questionable way to open up the show… Though likely not for the same reasons I feel that way.
TONIGHT: America’s Most Wanted defends the tag-team titles against Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger. We’ll see The Gathering taking on Shane Douglas and The Disciples Of The New Chuck. We get a new director of authority named “Eric”. And we’ve still got at least 1 more match for the World Title, maybe 2…
Elix Skipper gets a video package, continuing his push.
And now, SKIP OVER heads out as well to grace us with his presence. He issues an open challenge to anyone bad enough to take him out… So we have.
ELIX SKIPPER vs. MAD MIKEY
Who was the dumbass who gave Crash Holly a job? Tenay: “Think of everything that Mad Mikey accomplished in the WWE… 20+ times as the hardcore champion, he’s defeated individuals like Test, Matt Hardy, Booker T. He was the lightheavyweight champion, European champion, even WWE world tag-team champion, and are you ready for this? When he was tag-team champion, the team he and his partner Bob Holly defeated – how about The Rock and Mick Foley? How’s that for a list of accomplishments?” My god – you’re gonna make him sound important. Skipper trips Mikey. Back elbow from Mikey – Don suggests he may be MAD because he was released from WWE. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Mikey. To the top – he LEAPS…lands on his feet about 4 feet short of Skipper – then leaps again and splashes Skipper. Cute. Tenay calls that the hop splash. It gets 2. Don starts laughing because apparently this was hyped by Mikey backstage as the most phenomenal finisher in the country. Over the head Stun Gun by Skipper – and he heads up to drop a leg on the hung out to dry Mikey. Skipper covers and gets 2 a couple of times. Mikey tries to roll Skipper through, and gets 2. Skipper floats him over with a headlock slam – and gets 2. Skipper heads out the floor – and axekick’s Mikey’s head which was sitting on the apron. Skipper yells and appears to be going for a Twist Of Fate (a shot at Matt Hardy for some reason that I don’t know or don’t want to know about) – but Mikey counters with a neckbreaker. Mikey hits a Stun Gun of his own – and a bulldog, which gets 2. Mikey heads up and hits a crossbody block, which gets 2. Skipper pokes Mikey in the eyes – whips him into the corner, but Mikey leapfrogs, catches Skipper with his legs around the head, goes to roll him through and drives him head first into the middle turnbuckle. Whew! Schoolboy, 1, 2, Skipper kicks out. Skipper goes to his scale – but the referee takes it away, so Skipper Brings Down The House anyway for the pin. (6:48) **1/2
Here’s some history involving Jeff Jarrett and Legend. Here’s a shock – THEY BRAWL A LOT!
LEGEND has a lot of Goldberg style security escorting him to the ring, apparently to keep Jarrett away.
LEGEND (with black shirt security) vs. ???
Legend cut a pro-Canada promo before the match, and suggests American’s are stupid for backing Jarrett. The fans promptly respond ANTI-JARRETT, but certainly pro-US, starting with a “USA” chant, so Legend promises to beat up the whole arena if they don’t stop. “Does Jeff Jarrett really deserve another shot at the World Title here in NWA TNA?” “BOOOOOOOOO!” I don’t get this company. They so often seem to be happy to allow the fans to react however, but when it comes to Jeff, either you MUST love him or MUST hate him, which is likely why the fans are rebelling and booing the shit out of him. Oh, here’s our match.
LEGEND (with black shirt security) vs. ALTER BOY LUKE and MATT SYDAL (in a Zach Gowan match)
Alright! Alter Boy Luke in ‘da house! Double sunset flip attempt – but Legend picks them up and double hiptosses them. Luke tries the Halo – but he’s caught and back dropped. Cover on Luke – and he kicks out. Legend drops Luke headfirst on the top turnbuckle, then slowly smears his face across the apron. Sydal goes off the top, tries something – but winds up caught in a sitdown chokeslam. Fireman’s carry on Luke. TRIPLE J is on the ramp with a guitar, sitting in a chair, watching the match. This distracts Legend – allowing Sydal off the top with a clothesline, and Luke rolls him up with a bridge…getting 2. Sydal holds Legend in place while Luke goes up – but Legend throws Sydal into the corner. They both jump on holding sleepers, Legend walks to the middle of the ring, and hits a double Stunner. Stonecutter on Luke, Stonecutter on Sydal, double cover, 1, 2, 3. Entertaining! (3:36) *
Jarrett has words. “Hey security, is this match ‘officially’ over?” And here he comes… Jarrett hits the ring, guitar in tow. AND THE BELL RINGS NINETY MILLION TIMES – ONE FOR EACH DOLLAR WCW LOST IN 2000! Jarrett hits The Stroke, and points to the guitar, which is of course the most over object in the ring. Here comes RED SHIRT SECURITY to save Legend from a guitar shot. Jarrett and one of the security guys gets into a shoving match, so Jarrett decks him.
SCOTT HUDSON returns! He’s being sneaky! He sticks a microphone into a room where THE POWERS THAT BE and AJ STYLES argue. Russo’s scared AJ might lose that belt, but AJ’s all confidence tonight.
Christopher Daniels gets another video. If we embrace sportz entertainment, it will embrace us, but if we don’t, then look out. Say your prayers.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Brown Styles 6'3" Height 5'11" 280 Weight 215 9 Years Pro 4
- Styles leads 1-0 - Match 2: must be won by submission - Can D’Lo force a ladder match?
D’LO BROWN vs. AJ STYLES (with Trinity) (in a submission only match)
THE SON attacks D’Lo on the entrance ramp before the bell rings. It’s fairly even until AJ clips D’Lo from behind. The referee orders Siaki to get the hell out while AJ rolls D’Lo into the ring. AJ works over the leg with various clips, before putting on an STF with a bridge. Enzuigiri from Styles, followed by a Cripper Crossface. D’Lo gets his foot to the rope – and we can’t go a whole match without getting a good look at VINNY RU, pearing from the stage. Styles to the figure four leglock. Steiner Recliner! Wow, the submission moves are all over the map in this match. Considering the early part was a focus on the leg, WORK THE LEG. D’Lo hits his jumping Stunner, and clotheslines AJ. He’s limping all over the place though. Styles takes him down and goes to the Sharpshooter – pulling him right out to the middle of the ring. D’Lo trips him up – holds the move, stands, and has the Sharpshooter on Styles. With a knee draped across AJ’s head – he leans back, and AJ taps! (5:48) 3/4* These two just don’t click.
Earlier today, MIKE TENAY had a sitdown with DON CALLIS. Callis sits there talking down to Tenay. He refers to the fans as “customers”, and clears up his position in the company…by being even more confusing than ever. “Mike, let me be clear…” This is fantastic – he’s playing an attorney/businessman perfectly. According to the statistics and demographics, he had to downsize Sandman, discipline New Jack, stop Jerry Lynn and Justin Credible from their hardcore battles, because of the fact this is not what the fans want. The customers have spoken! Tenay: “Have you been watching the same program that I have?” Callis says that Tenay is qualified to DISCUSS wrestling, but when it comes to business he can’t open his mouth. “Mike, with all due respect, since when does the customer know what they want?” He just out Vince McMahoned Vince McMahon, honest to god. This is one time I’d be more than happy to have a non-wrestler pushed to the moon – Callis is fucking brilliant.
NURSE VERONICA introduces us officially to VALENTINA – the slutty cheerleader. She calls out LOLLIPOP and APRIL PENNINGTON again, and as usual the black shirt security stop them. RUDY CHARLES apparently now gets mic time, and asks the security to let them fight. And they all get in the ring, and ROLL AROUND. TRINITY hits the ring and helps Bitchslap, destroying the cage girls. None of this leads to Lollipop losing her top again, so this segment is a waste.
3 LIVE CREW presents: B-Jizzle goes to the hood. I’m BEGGING TNA to find a better name than B-Jizzle, it’s disgusting. The point of this segment is to get some soul running through BG James. He’s scared to death in the black neighborhood, and asks his first guest if he’s packing any heat, in front of his kid. Ron Killings runs over to save him from that situation. We move over to a convenience store – where he asks his guest (complete with the whole family) if he’s just picked up a 40? The guy flips – and tells James to suck it, chopping his crotch. James promises to do some big pimping, and heads into an urban clothing and hair place. A few minutes later, he emerges complete with ‘fro, purple outfit, and loud purple hat – carrying a bottle of booze in a paper bag. He runs into Killings and tells him to kiss his ring. “Kiss my black ass!”
NEXT WEEK: K Dizzle presents: Suntan Superman vs. Jose Cuervo, Last Man Standing. Translated, Konnan presents: Ron Killings vs. Some Guy, Last Man Standing.
Back at the TNA arena, GLEN GILBERTI is calling out JEREMY BORASH. Gilberti suggests Borash be the valet for America’s Most Wanted, dressing up like a cowgirl. Gilberti is ON. He forces Borash to dress up – so AMERICA’S MOST WANTED hit the ring and strip Gilberti to embarrass him. At this point, the challengers arrive, and it’s on!
AMERICA’S MOST WANTED vs. JOHNNY SWINGER and SIMON DIAMOND (with The Manager Of Champions) (for the NWA world tag-team titles)
Pier 6, involving 4! AMW slug away! AMW clear the ring! AMW do spots! Storm gets backdropped by Harris over the top and onto the duo below – followed by Harris himself nailing the plancha. In the interim, Gilberti runs to the back, likely because he’s naked. WWE style brawling takes place on the floor. I yawn, these teams are better than that. Back in, Diamond and Harris do stuff. Swinger sneaks in and clotheslines Harris – and apparently everyone follows the rules now and find their corners. Double team powerslam, cover by Diamond, and it’s a 2. Swinger is back in and lifting knees – causing Storm to run over and distract the referee. Diamond in, snap suplex, a cover and 2. Swinger comes in and meets a Thesz press from Harris – and we have us a hot take to Storm! Tajiri’s Big Kick hits Swinger, and a flying forearm is served to Diamond. Storm nails an inverted Pedigree…and it’s 2 before his partner saves. Diamond and Swinger drop Storm with a double Stroke for 2. Belly to back from Swinger, cover, and we have 2. Swinger cuts off the ring with some foot dragging, and tags in Diamond. Rolling snap suplexes, and the third is a front suplex. That’s 2. Storm tries to crawl across the ring – but Diamond cuts him off. Diamond accidently runs too close to Harris and gets clotheslined – followed by a suplex from Storm. Tags on both ends! Harris is a house o’ fire. Swinger neckbreaker for Diamond, full nelson slam for Swinger, running clothesline for Diamond, top rope crossbody for Swinger, 1, 2, kickout! AMW tries a double team clothesline from the shoulders – but it fails when Diamond pulls down the top rope and Harris crashes to the outside. Superkick on Storm from Diamond – Swinger covers – but there’s a kickout at 2! Diamond goes to bounce off the ropes, and Harris does the same deal as earlier, so Diamond tumbles hard. Harris to the top, Swinger in position…DEATH SENTENCE! Cover, 1, 2, Glen Gilberti has pants! And a bullrope for the lame DQ. (9:14) **1/4 Not only is it a bullrope, but there’s a bell. A BELL! Some ropin’ and whippin’ takes place, and before you know it them champs are hogtied. A company with balls would suspend the challengers and take away title shots. This company will likely give them title matches until they’re over enough to take the belts, and if not, give them the belts to make them over enough to take the belts. Get it? It’s exactly how the New Church worked last winter. Good! Let’s move on.
Here’s a video package involving Shane Douglas, James Mitchell, and some fire!
Backstage, SCOTT HUDSON stands with THE NEW CHURCH and SHANE DOUGLAS. Mere hatred can’t explain the feelings James Mitchell has for Raven. Slash mouths along with the promo! Douglas has constipation and forces each word out, saying lots, but oh so little. Hudson with the last second hardsell.
THE DISCIPLES OF THE NEW CHURCH and SHANE DOUGLAS (with James Mitchell) vs. THE GATHERING
This is a real pier 6, as oppose to the fake one in the last match. Gathering clears the ring – and Raven yells! Everyone takes a corner, so we’ll start with Punk and Slash. CM Punk t-bone’s Slash and runs a knee into his head. Clothesline, cover, 2! Slash retaliates with a sitdown powerbomb, and Brian Lee is tagged in. He still looks like The Undertaker. He doesn’t do a whole lot, so in comes someone who can relate…Shane Douglas! He complies, so we’re back to Slash. Julio gets a tag, and he takes out the whole Church alone. That leaves Julio and Douglas, where he gets a full nelson slam for 2, before Lee pulls him out. Lee runs Julio backfirst into the ringpost – Julio thrown in, Slash gives him a whirly-bird, and Julio’s a hurtin’ man. Douglas back in, and hits a vertical suplex. Lee tagged in, and runs Julio with a knee. Lee cheats with a choke, breaks at 4, and tags in Slash. Slash misses a senton splash – giving Julio a chance to tag Raven. Douglas meets him first, and gets knocked down. Everyone else in Church takes a beating, leaving Raven and Douglas to brawl through the crowd. They go near a curtain, when suddenly a KLAN MEMBER reaches out and pulls Raven backstage. Da fock was that? Douglas laughs menacingly, and we have us a handicap match. Julio dropkicks Slash off CM Punk’s shoulders – but can’t follow up with Douglas back. Douglas hits the doomsday device on CM Punk, while Slash gets the tables. Raven slowly crawls back towards the ring, bloody as hell, with James Mitchell close behind. Slash helps Raven back quickly – but Raven fights everyone off. Raven Effect on Lee, then on Slash. Mitchell gets in the ring – and Douglas spears Raven through the table. Douglas covers, 1, 2, 3. (9:23) ***1/4 Shane Douglas has the match of the night, shoot me now.
BEHIND THE PAINT – PART FOUR
It’s all about the Christianity! The Christianity is the focal point of Sting’s life. There was a lot of good and bad that came with wrestling, and while he’s thankful for it – he’s been hit with the realization of what being a dad and husband is all about.
He works a lot of Christian events with Ted Dibiase and Nikita Koloff. He was a little embarrassed by it at first, but thanks to those two he was able to get through. If he hadn’t given his life to Christ, he may have lost his family.
Tenay thanks Sting and apparently that’s the end of our secret interview.
MIKE TENAY stands mid-ring! THE LEGENDS have returned, because TNA respects tradition. Or something. Actually, they’re all here to meet our new director of authority. First up – SARA LEE. (I still don’t know who she is, other than she apparently takes tickets.) Meet CORSECA JOE and RICKY MORTON. Isn’t Ricky a heel here? Or is that forgotten now because it was more than 6 months ago? LARRY ZBYSZKO encourages Larry chants. And finally, he’s apparently the greatest wrestler on god’s green earth (TODAY?????) – give it up for HARLEY RACE. No Vader? Interrupting our fun of looking at a bunch of old people standing around is KID KASH. Tenay makes a disgusted face. Kash thanks the legends personally. He thanks Sara Lee for being one of the first working rats in the industry. He can’t thank Corseca because he’s so eaten up with Alzheimer’s. Ricky Morton sucked because he needed a partner to hold titles. As for Harley, no one is gonna remember the belts because he had his shoulders pinned 9 times. In fact, he’s a disgrace. Ricky Morton gets on the stick and tells off Kash for disrespecting them, so Kash bitchslaps him. Before an attack can happen, Sara Lee is taken hostage! ERIK WATTS has to break this up though, because they’re feuding. Chokeslam! And apparently Watts is our new director of authority???? Oh man… ABYSS is suddenly here, and looks on.
NEXT WEEK: Chris Sabin defends the X-Title against Michael Shane – HBK’s cousin. A double pole match – Jeff Jarrett and Legend! A baseball bat on one, a guitar on another. Before we can continue, RAVEN interrupts with THE GATHERING. He says he doesn’t mind a little blood – and books a 6-way Clockwork Orange House Of Fun match for next week.
D’LO BROWN vs. AJ STYLES (with Trinity) (in a ladder match for the NWA world heavyweight title)
Styles grabs a ladder at the entrance, but gets stopped by D’Lo who goes to the stompin’ and the kickin’. Styles sends D’Lo head first into the steps. D’Lo attempts a whip into the guardrail, but Styles slides underneath them baseball slide style – stands, and jabs the guardrail into the midsection of D’Lo. Styles starts to head back over, but D’Lo springboards off the ringsteps and the leaping flying Jalapeno works. D’Lo heads to the top of the ramp to get that ladder. VINNY RU remains the focus of everyone’s attention however. AJ goes to hit a tope suicida on D’Lo – but D’Lo has the GREATEST COUNTER EVER to that move – throwing that ladder at his head as he starts to fly, knocking him silly. D’Lo forgets what type of match this is, and gets a table. D’Lo tries to suplex Styles over the top rope and through the table, but Styles blocks and ranas D’Lo. D’Lo rolls out – Styles gets a boost of energy…TOPE CON HILO! And it’s a crazy one at that. Styles throws the ladder at D’Lo, and suddenly remembers that this is a chair match. Chair shot to the back of D’Lo! In a moment of clarity (you can see his lips say “OH!”) – AJ gets the ladder. Set up in the corner – and Styles whips D’Lo into it. Trinity confuses everyone further, handing a chair to AJ. Now he really doesn’t know what the hell this match is all about, and starts hitting D’Lo with everything instead. D’Lo fights it off, sets up the ladder and starts to climb. AJ rushes over to push it over…but D’Lo jumps off soon enough to save his skin. Styles throws the ladder at D’Lo, and sets the ladder back up. The slow climb starts – and D’Lo stops him on the 4th rung. CHOKESLAM! Now D’Lo sees his chance and goes. He’s stopped by Styles with his hand on the belt – and gets shoved off the ladder, hitting the ropes. AJ leaves the ring because he’s a tool. He grabs a table, starts to set it up – but in the great tradition of the WWE, that’s the job for the black fellow (see, Badd Blood DID teach me something), so D’Lo suplexes the shit out of him on the ramp. D’Lo finishes setting it up and rolls AJ on top. D’Lo has a chance to win, and the idiot sets up the ladder on the apron. He climbs ALL THE WAY UP (meaning he could have grabbed the belt) and does a Lo Down off the top. This match just cost itself a couple stars for that fucking spot, I HATE IT when they don’t spend every possible opportunity going after the belt. D’Lo heads in, climbs the ladder, and spends half an hour standing by the belt playing with it, waiting for the run in. Sure enough – here’s THE SON. The ladder is pushed over, and D’Lo falls on the other table…and it doesn’t break, so he just rolls over! Styles is back in, D’Lo is back in – both men are climbing the ladder – and they both pull the belt down. Another non-finish, fuck you! (10:58) **1/2
Russo is the first man out arguing the case for Styles, and JEREMY BORASH has an announcement. “Ladies and gentleman, senior official Rudy Charles has reached a decision. Because the World Heavyweight wasn’t conclusively defeated, the NWA World Heavyweight Title will remain with the NWA Heavyweight Champion Of The World – AJ Styles.” Styles and Russo share some manly love, and we’re out.
This is funny stuff, Excalibur05 (Matt, whatever). I look forward to reading the upcoming installments. Thanks for all the hard work and effort (guess your education was worth something, afterall - haha).