I’m home from work. This is no reason to celebrate. I am sick and rather than improving it seems to be progressively getting worse – on the LAST week prior to my two week vacation. Sure, some people might think it’s great to kick off the holidays early, but those same people likely don’t get their holiday pay pro-rated on the number of days they worked the month prior to vacation.
I suppose it gives me a chance to do my TNA recap – but at what cost? AT WHAT COST?
To the person who decided to come to work sick last week, bite me.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY ABOUT SHANE DOUGLAS: You don’t use words like “old” when talking about Shane, you use “classic”.
LAST WEEK: Speak of the devil, our package starts with Douglas talking. Gilberti and Douglas beat up Raven and CM Punk before Jarrett runs them off. D’Lo Brown talks smack and beats up AJ Styles. Vince Russo evens the score, and D’Lo gets a beating of his own. Sonny Siaki hangs out with Trinity. Our main event sees 4 WCW guys brawl, and James Mitchell throw fire.
Oh fuck you – MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER kicks off this week’s show as well. Douglas talks about needing Franchises in Tennessee – promptly Walmart to throw up 6 stores during this promo alone! Blah blah blah, controversy, censors, blah blah blah. 10 years ago, he threw a belt in the garbage, and now he sold his soul to the devil. Or something. Who cares? The point (which takes 5 minutes to get to) is Raven is hurt and can’t have his Clockwork Orange match with Douglas – so Douglas wants to be declared the winner. “The Franchise don’t feel like performing for these idiots tonight.” It’s win/win! Oh, forget that, we have ourselves a volunteer to take Douglas on…
SHANE DOUGLAS vs. CM PUNK (in a clockwork orange match)
CM Punk is of course Raven’s ringrat who so desperately wants to be a part of the Gathering – and what better way to do so then to go out and put Shane Douglas over. Oh, sorry. Hey – CM Punk has an online journal. Go read it! I’ll be here when you come back… and I’ll still be sick. CM Punk hits a northern lights suplex with a chair, and that’s actually kinda cool. Douglas runs Punk back to the corner – but Punk manages to kick Douglas out of the ring. Tope suicida for Punk – and Douglas sidesteps enough to “get hit and sell” but lets Punk go face first into the guardrail. Punk tries to follow up – but takes a double leg slam onto the mats, prompting a holy shit chant. Punk throws a trashcan at Douglas, but Douglas grabs it and slaps Punk over the head with it. Another shot – and Douglas grabs a tennis racket. He drives it into the throat of CM Punk while the fans chant “WE WANT RAVEN!” I’m with them, I’d prefer Punk vs. Raven too. Punk tries a comeback with a jawbreaker and springboard forearm with a steel chair. He chops Douglas down, tries a cover, and only gets 2. Running knee to the corner, followed by a double underhook backbreaker, and that gets 2. Punk runs off the ropes – and takes a kick to the crotch. With balls of steel, Punk recovers at a record pace and nails Douglas with a chair…for 2. Douglas grabs some brass knuckles – clocks Punk, hits a belly to belly (because it certainly got Shamrock over!) and scores the win. (5:57) *1/2 This match had elements of good – all of it from CM Punk.
JAMES MITCHELL casually strolls to the ring, and Punk spits in his face. Mitchell takes it in stride, retaliating with a fireball to the face. JULIO DINERO and ALEXIS LAREE run out to even things up for the Gathering, and the heels run away. I suppose that sets up next week’s match to further the feud.
Our hosts live from the Asylum are MIKE TENAY and DON WEST. Tenay hypes things, West says “wow”, I sneeze.
TRIPLE J makes his way out. Not one word comes out of his mouth before VIC VENOM arrives on stage, in a comfy chair and Pepsi in hand. The beard returns! Russo does a Jarrett impression, whining about wanting a rematch for the belt. “There ain’t gonna be no rematch Jeff”. The reason? Jarrett’s not a contender, and he sucks. He makes good point. Jarrett’s response – kicking Russo’s ass. Before he can do much kicking though, JOE E. LEGEND appears and attacks Jeff. We have ourselves a crowd brawl! Tenay lists people Legend has beaten… Edge, Christian, Rhyno, and more! Who are all those guys, and why aren’t they on the number one program, TNA? Legend tosses Jarrett near the broadcast position and drops him from a fireman’s carry onto the stairs. He then baseball slide dropkicks the stairs onto Jarrett. Jarrett gets rolled into the ring and scoop slammed. Legend to the top – and misses a legdrop. Jarrett blocks an atomic drop and turns that into a figure four somehow, which is kinda cool. Now AJ STYLES is in to work over the champ. Meanwhile – I’m coughing and my vocal chords just flew clear across the room. Helpfully, the timekeeper RINGS THE BELL to inform us that attacks that go more than 5 minutes are very very wrong. It rings about a thousand times, but these guys are TRUE heels, ignoring the rings! Styles Clash, middle of the ring. They tape Jarrett to the top, and Russo’s back. Batter up…right in the ribs! “Jeff, you’ve just been formerly introduced to the legend. Oh, and one more thing, AIN’T GONNA BE NO REMATCH!” Next up – Legend cracks Jarrett in the ribs. SECURITY PEOPLE rush the ring, and now the trio backs off.
Highlights from the steel cage match last week that NEARLY kicked the ass of everything the WWE’s done all year, had Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho failed to exist.
SONNY SIAKI and DAVID YOUNG vs. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED (for the NWA world tag-team titles)
TALE OF THE TAPE - AMW’s 1st title defense of 3rd reign - Letdown factor? - Will title change = Russo reformation of S.E.X.?
Siaki and Harris trade hammerlocks to start – but grow tired of that and move to the headlocks. Harris works over Siaki on the mat. A crossbody gets a two – while West goes on and on about how similar in style and physique these teams are, despite Siaki looking more than 6 inches shorter than Harris. Siaki is lifted up in a bearhug – and Storm comes off the top with a single leg missile dropkick – and Harris drops him to resemble a powerbomb! He holds on by the legs and catapults Siaki in the corner. AMW tries a double suplex, but it fails, so they hit a double backbreaker instead. David Young tags in – and he is beaten up by Storm in a hurry. An armdrag, clothesline, and double leg slam take him down for 2. Harris tagged in. Inverted atomic drop from Harris – Young staggers right back into a Russian legsweep. A legitimate squash to show off a tag-team’s skills – I’m loving this! You never see these anymore! Harris gets 2. Storm tagged back in – double dropkick! Siaki gets Harris to distract the referee, so they can cheat, and Siaki works over Storm. Young tagged back in – powerslam. Tag to Siaki, and he hits a snap suplex for 2. Young in – but he can’t keep the momentum, getting powerslammed. Harris gets tagged in and he cleans house. Backdrop for Young, clothesline for Siaki! Harris with the Catatonic on Young, and it gets two as Siaki saves the day. Siaki hits a pumphandle into a Michinoku Driver on Storm – and Harris saves! David Young nails Harris with his Spinebuster – and Storm saves with at 2. Storm grabs Siaki and hits the 8 Second Ride…for 2 with Young saving. Superkick from Storm on Young – Harris to the top while Storm hangs on…Death Sentence connects! Harris keeps the ring clear, Storm covers, 1, 2, 3! (8:53) ***1/4
Elix Skipper highlight package. What time is it?
KID KASH visits with his monster, and names him Abyss. What a stupid name. ERIK WATTS attacks Kash – and handcuffs him to the Monster’s cage. ABYSS breaks loose – and we have ourselves a fight. They head out towards the ring, and Watts throws Abyss into the stairs, and seconds later, the guardrail. Abyss grabs Watts and drops him on the guardrail. They head into the ring, and no bell rings, but I’ll call this the start of the match.
ABYSS vs. ERIK WATTS
Abyss uses a crappy Torture Rack…but then DROPS down and that will rack Watts properly, getting another holy shit chant started. Abyss puts on the CLAWHOLD. West: “This guy has talent!” Second nature for a man who spent years selling crap. Abyss misses a charge to the corner, and runs into the second turnbuckle crotch first. Bicycle kick from Watts – and he tries a chokeslam, but can’t because Abyss is too fat. He can powerslam him though, and gets 2. Another chokeslam is attempted…and this one hits. That also gets 2. Watts almost crashes into the ref in the corner – stops himself to save the ref, and Abyss avalanches both of them hard. HAH! Watts goes for an E-Bomb – but Kash hits ringside and holds Abyss’ leg, so it can’t hit. Watts goes to the ring apron instead to do some sort of slingshot move – but on the leap, Kash pulls him down and Watts goes chinfirst onto the apron. Abyss to the top…and Watts powerbombs him! ANDREW THOMPSON runs in since the other ref is out…and counts 2. Kash tries to cheat again, and Watts clears the ring of him. He turns around – Bossman Slam from Abyss, 1, 2, 3. (5:07) 3/4* This just in: Abyss isn’t the man to carry Erik Watts.
BEHIND THE PAINT – PART 1
Growing up, Sting didn’t watch wrestling, because there was no wrestling in southern California. He knew who Hulk Hogan was from the Rocky movie, and had heard the name Ric Flair, but no, he had no intentions of becoming a wrestler.
He co-owned and managed a gym, which he gave up to go to wrestling camp. He quickly went broke, and sent out press kits with Jim Hellwig (the Warrior) to get a job. They got a phone call from Jerry Jarrett, who was the only promoter to return their calls. So they went out to wrestle for Jarrett on Thanksgiving Day, 1985.
When Jeff called him a few weeks ago to do the Anniversary show, it occurred that he’s come full circle, back to his roots – though he’s working for Jeff instead of Jerry this time around. He gave Jerry a hug earlier, and thanked him for being the only guy to give him a shot.
NEXT WEEK: Sting discussed The Ultimate Warrior. “Very bizarre…”
Back to the show – Tenay announces that Jeff Jarrett has found his kryptonite in the form of a baseball bat. (Not quite his words…) Jarrett has been taking to the hospital with internal injuries.
Here’s a recap of an Intense Feud. Jerry Lynn and Justin Credible don’t like eachother. Yup.
Okay, I’ve got Neo Citran going now, so I can be both drowsy AND grumpy at the same time! Blatant grammar errors, spelling errors, and even the replacing of words with OTHER words is sure to follow. And just in time for…
HEADBANGER JUSTIN vs. JERRY LYNN (in a Russian chain match)
This Russian chain match looks suspiciously like a dog collar match…and even bares resemblance to this Chicago chain match I once saw. A Chicago chain match – I shit you not. Anyway, Jerry attacks as soon as the bell rings and we’re off. Justin gets decked with a chain over and over. And then choked with the chain. Justin’s clearly a moron because he tries to retaliate with wrestling, and gets hit with a drop toe hold onto the chain. Justin heads out to the floor – so Lynn pulls him by the collar and forces Justin to go headfirst into the ringpost. Lynn does it a second time – and Justin’s checking for teeth. If I’m Lynn – I just do that all night. Instead, Lynn runs over to show TEETH SUPREMECY, in that he still has some and Justin does not, and bites Justin. Lynn can bite me too while we’re at it. Credible’s bleeding, but recovers and nails Jerry between the eyes. Lynn comes back with a snapmare via chain and chokes the chain around Justin’s eyes. Okay, that looks kinda brutal. Lynn tries a pin (I’m a poet but wasn’t aware) but it only gets 2. Credible with a reverse DDT, and goes back to checking his teeth. They’re there – you’re fine. Justin elevates Lynn into the air, and pulls it down so Lynn hits the mat HARD. That’s an owie. Credible hangs Lynn over the ropes – but Lynn won’t quit. Lynn manages to get back in and hits a neckbreaker with the chain. Clotheslines with the chain follow, and a swinging DDT gets 2. Justin begs for mercy, but Lynn is EVIL and stays on the attack. So Justin superkicks him…for 2. Lynn recovers, hogties Justin, and pins him for the win. (7:10) *** Okay, that was pretty impressive. Maybe I’m delirious. Now I wipe my nose of this feud.
TNA ignores my wiping and Justin attacks after the match, hitting a tombstone over the chain. LOLLIPOP bounces down to check on Lynn.
Backstage, FRANKIE KAZARIAN wants an X-Division title shot, begging BILL BEHRENS. So who gives matches around here? Vince Russo? Jeff Jarrett? Jerry Jarrett? Ricky Steamboat? Bob Armstrong? Bill Behrens? Meh, whatever. AJ STYLES overhears the request, and grants the youngster an NWA World Title shot. Behrens confirms that yes, it will happen.
Too much hardcore, too little wrestling tonight. Come on guys, throw me a couple of nobodies to kick it. Where’s Cheex?
MIKE SANDERS vs. DEAN ROLL
Sanders is still around? I suppose this is the followup to Gilberti’s demand for Shark Boy’s mask? Who cares, just wrestle! Sanders tries for Shark Boy’s mask right away, but Shark Boy fights away. Sanders is persistent, and Tenay notes that pulling the mask is equivalent to pulling the hair – so he has to always break his attempts at 5. Little things like that turn stupid angles into…slightly less stupid angles. Shark Boy hits a Russian legsweep, followed by two dropkicks, and a hiptoss to gain control. He works over Sanders’ arm, and bites the hand. Sanders comes back with a Stun gun, and a really crappy dropkick. Worst dropkick of the night, and that’s saying something with Erik Watts running around. Sanders with a neckbreaker – and makes a motion that he’s going for the mask, and nobody cares. Shark Boy hits his own neckbreaker – but the fans are asleep. 10 count punch-a-long, ending with a bite to the forehead – followed by a crossbody, but Sanders rolls through, and gets 2. Sanders throws Shark Boy off the top – goes for a pin, but Shark Boy’s playing possum and rolls him up for the 3! (4:02) 1/2* Bushleague.
CREATIVE CONTROL storms the ring. They go for an H-Bomb on Shark Boy, but he escapes. Eli and Jacob are pissed, and take out their frustrations with an H-Bomb on Sanders – killing the fans in the first 6 rows due to the 20 foot radius the explosion causes when the move is hit.
We go to the Asylum Of Style, where BG JAMES, THE TRUTH, and KONNAN mock random pictures. Vince Russo is apparently the illegitimate son of Kevin Bacon and Sergeant Slaughter. I don’t get these segments at all.
TRACI and NURSE VERONICA cry about the fact they can’t wrestle men. They rub eachother. Traci’s one helluva talker, if she can wrestle the WWE would be smart to pick her up. She calls out anyone – and are attacked by… LOLLIPOP and APRIL PENNIGTON? Security breaks that up, which is simply wrong and pre-mature since the bell didn’t ring a thousand times first. The fans chant “LET THEM GO”.
Pre-taped promos about hardcore wrestling from The Sandman and New Jack follow. “Every federation has tried to imitate and duplicate New Jack.” What bad crack are you on? Now – if Sandman wanted to make that claim, he may have a point seeing as how Austin stole the beer drinking from him, but ever humble (and drunk) Sandman doesn’t bring it up. Probably for the best. New Jack claims he and Sandman were the two most violent men in ECW, but I have to give the edge to New Jack and Mustapha. Not for the right reasons mind you. Here’s a…
CHEAP PLUG: to the most popular article I’ve ever written – to the point of it becoming a part of the fuel between some feud on 411 involving Jay Bower and some German guy. I am not making that last part up. Go find out why New Jack the person sucks.
And while I’m at it – here’s one more. Missed Russo’s rant against RAW? Miss it no more! RUSSO ON RAW!!! The exclamation points are his, not mine.
NEW JACK vs. THE SANDMAN (in the finals of the hard ten tournament)
I’m lost, does the winner get a belt, or just the title of being a hardcore waste? I suppose we’ll find out in short order. New Jack brings a staple gun because he knows that spot grosses me out for some reason. More so than say…Sid breaking his leg. No joke. The staple shots do NOT count as points, because they are not official Strategically Placed Weapons. Sandman strikes first with a trashcan – 1-0. Sandman then grates New Jack’s head with the side of it rather than HIT HIM AND GET POINTS. That’s why I hate these matches, they wrestle like idiots. New Jack starts bleeding. New Jack blocks a trashcan shot with a chair – and nails Sandman… And he proceeds to stand around, before taking another shot. Just go nuts and beat the fuck out of him. Slap him back and forth with the can, easy win. Dipshits. Sandman grabs a cane, two shots – and it’s 3-2 Sandman. New Jack nails Sandman right back, and we have another bleeder. It’s 3-3. Another shot for the New Jack lead – but Sandman grabs the kendo stick again for 2 more shots to take the lead 5-4. New Jack with the chair, 5-5. And we move into the crowd. Sandman’s arm is bleeding, ew. Fans chant “ECW”, and Tommy Dreamer has an orgasm from his wheelchair. They brawl towards some scaffolding and Sandman nails New Jack with a chair to take the lead 6-5. Another shot, 7-5. New Jack blocks shots and hits Sandman with the chair to make it 7-6. Another shot, we’re tied at 7. Sandman is groggy on the edge of the scaffolding, New Jack comes forward, and Sandman backdrops him from the top through a table for the 12-7 win. (5:05) DUD This whole tournament was more disappointing than post nasal drip.
NEXT WEEK: Negro Casas vs. Shocker… Smarky smarks, get ready to lose respect for me… I’ve never seen either one. I know OF them if that makes things any better. I am intrigued by anyone I’ve never seen.
Main event time… Let’s hit the tale of the tape first!
TALE OF THE TAPE
Kazarian Styles 6'0" Height 5'11" 220 Weight 215 5 Years Pro 4
- Kararian: The Future, Styles: The Present - Both epitomize total non stop action - Flux Capacitor vs. Styles Clash
FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. AJ STYLES (for the NWA world heavyweight title)
JEREMY BORASH does the intros… AJ tries to show everyone just how cocky he is. And we’re off. Armdrags are traded by the wrestlers, baseball cards are traded by the announcers. Tenay takes a bunch of 1989 Fleer Barry Bonds rookie cards in exchange for a Michael Jordan Upper Deck – before realizing that Bonds was not a rookie in 1989. West gotcha again Mike! Okay, none of that happened. Dropkick – and it’s sold as something special, because Frankie did it. Clothesline – springboard legdrop, cover, 1, 2, Styles kicks out. A slingshot DDT looks quite good – but not good enough, AJ kicks out at 2. AJ rolls out to the floor, slowly gets back to the apron, and Kazarian headscissors him back in. Styles uses the referee as a distraction for Frankie, and then dropkicks Kazarian in the face. Crazy spinning neckbreaker hits, as does a suplex neckbreaker! Kneedrop to the eyes…and AJ goes to choke Frankie instead of a pin. Really cool spotty spot – with Kazarian on the apron, AJ goes for a rana, and when Kazarian’s neck hits the ropes, he flies backwards to the arena floor. Styles measures up Kazarian – starts to run, and stops his attack to pose. That’s funny. Back in – Styles with a brainbuster, cocky cover – and it gets one and a half. Styles dropkicks Kazarian for 2. Styles sets up Kazarian for a Styles Clash – but poses way too much and gets backdropped. It doesn’t really do much, because Styles comes back with a spinning heel kick. It gets 2. AJ farts around for awhile and gets rolled up for 2 – so Styles plants Kazarian with a kick. Editing will change all the ways I spell Kazarian as the match continues. Styles goes to the rear chinlock. I wanna see someone tap out to a rear chinlock. Kazarian gets out – and they run around for awhile before hitting dual crossbodies. CHRIS SABIN makes an appearance, running in behind the ref’s back to hit his swinging backbreaker thing. Don’t come down on me for missing names, I’m really cloudy right now and nearly asleep. Styles tries a pin, but only gets 2. Avalanche splash misses – and when Styles goes to the top he also gets caught there. Things aren’t looking good for the champ. Kazarian goes up – but Sabin distracts the ref while TRINITY stops Kazarian from taking Styles down. Styles shoves Kazarian – and leaps, but Frankie’s already back up and dropkicks Styles! Both guys are down. Trinity tries a top rope rana on Kazarian – but he ducks and she catches Styles! Kazarian up – can’t hit the Wave Of The Furure – Styles tries a Styles Clash, it’s blocked, and the Wave Of The Future scores! Cover… 1, 2, Styles kicks out! He goes for another, but Sabin gets on the apron, so Kazarian chases him away. Then the idiot does a tope con hilo onto Sabin rather than concentrate on the match. Back to the apron – he goes for a slingshot rana – but is caught and powerbombed, followed by a Styles Clash (Kazarian lands RIGHT on the back of his neck, eep…) – and the champ retains! (13:22) **1/4
Not S.E.X. all get into the ring to continue the Kazarian beating. Out from the back comes VINCE RUSSO, baseball bat in hand – and he waffles Kazarian. Now joining the party is D’LO BROWN, cleaning house on the champ and friends. AJ takes a Sky High – and security saves Vince Russo from an attack. D’Lo’s one angry brother though, and grabs a mic. D’Lo challenges Styles to a World Title match next week on the show. Russo instead makes it a handicap match against D’Lo – AJ and Russo together, with the belt on the line. D’Lo promises someone in his corner to watch his back. And that’s a wrap!
Back to work tomorrow, and then I’m off for Toronto for 3 days! Let’s hope the good people at Pierson International don’t quarantine me in fear I’m trying to bring more SARS into their city. See ya next week!
Thank you, thank you! The amps up to 11 would be better if I had named the column, "Brainhammer!" or "Intravenus de Milo." Alas, you always think of these things too late. Remember: you know where you stand in a hellhole.