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The W - Guest Columns - NWA TNA: August 13, 2003
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Since: 2.1.02
From: Ottawa, Ontario

Since last post: 12 hours
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.87
Yup, the power sure was out all right. That’s my excuse for this being 5 days late and I’m sticking to it.

I should be getting back to the Nitro recapping later this week. I have a 4-day weekend and I don’t anticipate another power failure. Although according to the melodramatic folks on the radio, this is the kind of thing that COULD potentially happen ALL THE TIME so perhaps I should live in fear.

A PLEA: Do YOU have decent copies of any of the following shows? I have money! Souled Out 1997, Road Wild 1997, Fall Brawl 1997, Souled Out 1998, Mayhem 2000, Sin 2001, Superbrawl Revenge. Contact me!

No recap from last week? Straight to opening credits? Mon dieu!

LIVE from the Asylum, we have some hosts. MIKE TENAY provides exciting information, and DON WEST reacts with one syllable words!

DEVON STORM, THE VAMPIRE WARRIOR, and SINN vs. 3 LIVE KREW

This should be fun! How can Mike say “B Jizzle” with a straight face? Oh god – Konnan’s brought back the opening spiel, without tearing apart those strawberry fools in the black red and white talkin’ ‘bout they be 4 life. Konnan and a good worker start. Konnan runs Storm over with a back elbow. You know what was really weird? I was watching Nitro from 1996 a couple weeks ago, and I saw a blonde haired, fairly normal looking jobber. I sat up immediately when I heart Fat Tony use the name “Devon Storm” – and upon close inspection, it was! Konnan tries to knock Storm out, but he skins the cat. I’ll give Konnan credit, he looks to be in better shape than he’s been in YEARS. X-Factor hits, and is followed by a rana and a botched hiptossed, nicely covered by Tenay as a “Mexican armdrag”. Tag in to BG James. James appears to potato Storm on a punch I think he was supposed to duck. It doesn’t matter, Storm’s fine and hits a Northern Lights suplex for 2. Sinn comes up – and Storm backdrops him moonsault style onto James. Storm then hits a moonsault of his own from the middle rope – and then in strolls Vampire Warrior to keep up the flying with a running elbow drop. That’s a 2! I shouldn’t laugh, I DO like Gangrel. Sinn dropkicks James for 2, and Warrior comes back in and hammers away. The heels cheat, but only because Ron Killings allows him to do so by telling the referee his vacation plans in Tibet. The referee listens closely while Killings makes exaggerated hand gestures and faces. THE HARRIS BROTHERS watch closely from the back – and this has something to do with Xplosion – a show they don’t bring to Canada. Killings gets a hot tag and axekicks Warrior. Konnan clotheslines Storm – giving Killings a chance at a pin, broken up by Warrior. Wazzup Drop (minus a Wazzup thankfully) from Killings – going legfirst into Warrior’s crotch. James tries the pin, and Storm breaks it up. Storm tries a springboard crossbody onto all three, but he’s caught by Killings and James, then dropkicked by Konnan and simultaneously slammed by the other two. James comes – and Sinn DIVES in at the 2. Killings hits Poetry In Motion on Sinn, James with the Pumphandle, 1, 2, 3! (5:20) **1/4

TONIGHT: Raven takes on Shane Douglas, Bobby Eaton is this week’s legend(??????) answering the challenge from Kid Kash, Dusty Rhodes returns, Michael Shane and Frankie Kazarian have a ladder match to find the #1 contender to the X Title, and we also have some Disturbing Video.

Alright, Disturbing Video! After the show went off the air last week, Jeff Jarrett cleaned house, as usual. I fail to see WHAT they were getting all disturbed about, unless they’re as tired of the never ending 4-year Jeff Jarrett push as I am.

ERIK WATTS has hit the ring. He’s telling stories to AJ Styles, who’s not in the ring. The moral of it is that Watts has no scars. Umm, sure. Out walks VIC VENOM and THE CHAMP, likely to argue the scars on Watts’ face. Russo carries his big black dildo. (It ain’t a bat, it bends on impact and makes a slapping noise, YOU tell me what it is.) Russo talks about his stroke, and decides he and Styles are going on vacation since there’s no more contenders. Russo’s tired of waiting for Sting, so they’re out of here. Watts stops them to make the obvious gay jokes (he may not be far off – Vince, get your hand off his shoulder), and tells them he’s got a match with Lo Ki or he’s stripped of the belt. Styles accepts, and LO KI hits the ring to do damage. LEGEND joins the party and we have us a 3-on-2 beatdown. At this point I’m just WAITING for the Jarrett run in, despite his program with Christopher Daniels. Wait for it… Wait for it… There’s SUPERMAN! He single-handedly cleans house to the surprise of no one. The challenger, the Director Of Authority, and the Owner all stand in the ring and look around. Let’s go to the back.

SCOTT HUDSON is hangin’ and bangin’ with JOHNNY SWINGER, SIMON DIAMOND, and DISCO GLEN. Hudson calls them the Apple Dumpling Gang. Gilberti doesn’t want to be the typical bad guys, and promises not to stand around like an idiot while Dusty drops bionic elbows like Tully, Arn, and JJ used to do. Diamond does Dusty impressions, very poorly in comparison to those of the past. He doesn’t even say Snake In The Grass.

SKIP OVER vs. JERRY LYNN

Here’s two guys I could do without! Skipper’s attacked on the ramp, dropping the scale. Lynn rolls him into the ring and drops him with a back elbow. We start using THE most-overused term in wrestling when it comes to Cruiserweights – pound for pound. You want to know who pound for pound is the best wrestler today? IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER UNLESS YOU WIN MATCHES. Give me The Big Show – he may not use every one of those pounds to the best of his ability, but he’s got so many to spare he doesn’t need to and would make either one of these guys his bitch. AHHHHHHHJERRYLYNNCANBITEME! Skipper misses a standing moonsault from the apron, goes to the scale, but Lynn is ready for it and dropkicks Skipper in the knees, sending the scale flying in one direction, and Skipper in the other. Elbow to the head of Skipper. Double spring moonsault from Elix perfectly gets 2. Skipper hangs Lynn on the top rope – starts to walk across the top – goes for the rana, but apparently misses and crotches himself. That did not look planned! He’s lying around holding his crotch and Lynn works over him gingerly, before dropping him with a Double Arm DDT and scores the win. (3:59) *3/4 Skipper freaks out after losing again, tries for a senton backsplash but misses and Lynn lies him out with the scale. Lynn gets FEROCIOUS! And here comes THE JACKYL, taking notes on Miss Hancock’s clipboard. Lynn flips off Callis, and Callis is so disgusted with this behavior he runs off to buy Los Fabulosos a new wardrobe and turn them into Latin America’s Sexiest Men.

CHRIS SABIN polishes his title right in front of SCOTT HUDSON. Sabin tells Hudson he doesn’t care who wins the ladder match, he could take out either one on his worst day.

FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. MICHAEL SHANE (for the number one contender to the NWA X title in a ladder match)

Kazarian takes out Michael Shane, and runs down the ramp to get the ladder. As he brings it back – Shane says “look Shawn – no hands” and hits a tope con hilo onto Kazarian, and the ladder. Shane sets up the ladder and goes for the contract, but Kazarian’s back in so Shane axehandles him. Tenay says this is the first ladder match for Michael Shane, but WAS in a street fight with Paul London in ROH that evolved into a ladder match. As usual, Jim Ross can go straight to hell for not following this example. Shane beats him down, sets up the ladder in the corner and whips Kazarian into it. Shane continues the beating, but gets cocky and goes for a Stinger splash and runs face first into it. Kazarian drops it on Shane, then dropkicks it back into his midsection. Scoop slam – and the ladder is positioned in the corner again. They fight over an Irish whip, which winds up seeing Shane backdropped on to the ladder. Kazarian sets up the ladder in the corner and leapfrogs the ladder, dropping the guillotine. Now he starts the climb – but Shane cuts him off inches from the top. NECKBREAKER FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER! Both guys get up at the same time and climb. Kazarian SUNSET FLIPS over the top and takes Michael Shane down!!! Now Kazarian just has to climb – but CHRIS SABIN runs in and pushes Kazarian out. Awwwwww, FUCK! They were 2 for 2 in clean finishes, I guess it’s IMPOSSIBLE to continue in the World Of Russo. Michael Shane figures he’s got an easy route to the contract, but Sabin’s back in and dropkicks the ladder out from underneath him! Sabin goes right up and takes the contract, meaning next week Chris Sabin faces Chris Sabin for the X title. (8:11) ** This was shaping up to be decent before the retarded run in. THE JACKYL returns to steal the contract while Sabin beats the shit out of everyone with any weapon he can gets his hands on.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MAD MIKEY: First, he’s mad at Ben Affleck for cheating on J’Lo. He rips out J’Lo’s picture, kisses it, and the video stops…

Quickly, a camera’s in the back near the production truck where MAD MIKEY is beating up a techie and smashing the video tape of his life.

TRIPLE J needs more mic time! SCOTT HUDSON is happy to give it to him. Jarrett promises to get a title shot, and once he gets the title he’s going to go one-on-one with Vince Russo. Jarrett says he knows Russo’s weakness, and in the end it’s going to take him down.

KID KASH vs. BOBBY EATON

Kash grabs a mic, and says he arrived at the building hungry, but all he found was Dusty Rhodes chowing down on brownies – without leaving him one! So as a result, he wants a piece of Rhodes. As for Eaton, he’s spent hours watching tape of the Midnight Express – and wants to know who was the conductor and who was the caboose? And if it wasn’t Eaton, it must have been Cornette wearing both those hats. No banana jokes follow. And then he attacks behind the back of Eaton. I’m not going to bother with the rest of the play-by-play because you and I both know the finish. (Abyss run in -> lowblow -> 3:36) 1/2* 50% bullshit tonight…

Backstage, ERIK WATTS is getting beaten down by LEGEND. It’s the feud you didn’t want to see – and for only $10 a week over the next 9-10 weeks!

Here’s a package! June 11, 2003 – Shane Douglas arrives in TNA and the fed goes straight to the dump. Oddly enough, I start recapping the show some 2 weeks later. I AM A TOOL! Since that time, Douglas has done nothing but antagonize Raven, and has in fact pinned him on 2 separate occasions in 6-man tag-team matches, thanks to Some Dude In White. 1-1 odds say it’s Russo in a mask. “IT WAS ME RAVEN! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!”

RAVEN meditates in his lair. He stands and tells SCOTT HUDSON he’s going to grind up James Mitchell and kill Shane Douglas – though far more sophisticated than that.

MY LEAST FAVORITE WRESTLER vs. RAVEN

Douglas bails immediately while the crowd erupts for Raven. Douglas manages to con Raven into coming too close, trips him up, and pulls Raven groin first into the ringpost. On the floor, Douglas throws Raven into the guardrail, and hits a drop toe hold onto the ringsteps. A fan flips Douglas off – and I LOVE the shit eating grin on his face. Douglas flips him off right back, but the fan doesn’t back down. Raven’s already bladed. Douglas finds a Tennessee slut and gets into a shouting match with her too. Then throws Raven into the guardrail right in front of her. Man alive that woman looks ready to kill. To the announce table – Douglas beats his chest like a gorilla and shouts QUITE audibly “I’M THE FRANCHISE, GIVE ME MY FUCKING DUE!” I hope they fire him immediately for failing to comply with the new softer TNA standards. Or they could simply tell him they’ve run out of money, either/or. Back in, the announcers note the DQ is relaxed, and I flashback to worse times in WCW. Raven starts a comeback with the chops – but takes a big boot to relinquish the control as quickly as he gained it. Douglas grabs a chair and uses Raven’s drop toe hold to it. “GIVE ME MY FUCKING DUE!” Raven turns the tide with a golota. A chair is wedged between the top and middle turnbuckles – and Douglas reverses a whip, sending Raven into it and to the floor. The referee starts a 10 count, then remembers he’s biased and stops. Douglas again tries the groin to the post – but Raven pulls his legs back sending Douglas headfirst into it. Douglas pokes at the eyes and slaps on a Figure Four, sending a NASTY MESSAGE. Dick Flair no doubt cowers in the WWE from the force known as Shane Douglas. Raven reverses, Douglas CLEARLY taps – but apparently EVERYONE ignores it. Douglas gets to the ropes – but Raven’s a burning house o’ fire. Clotheslines for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a couple extra for good luck. Douglas goes to the eye poke again, tries his belly to belly – but Raven headbutts the shit out of him and hits a belly to belly of his own! Onstage, JAMES MITCHELL appears with a bodybag. Someone’s in it. Raven goes for the Raven Effect – but Mitchell gives him a choice. Either give Douglas the Evenflow, or save Alexis who’s got 15 seconds of oxygen. Raven goes to help – but Douglas won’t allow him, so Raven small packages him and gets the pin. (10:53) ***1/4 Raven rushes down the ramp – opens the bag and bah gawd it’s the KLAN MEMBER OF DOOM! The lights go out a day early in Tennessee! Mitchell hands a pair of scissors to Shane Douglas for some reason, but BLACK SHIRT SECURITY pounces on him.

Video package hypes D’Lo Brown and Sonny Siaki. Is that stupid feud not over? I SWEAR D’Lo beat him fairly decisively weeks ago. Siaki says D’Lo’s been handed the chance to win the World Title numerous times – and every time he’s failed. So next week, Siaki invites D’Lo to the burial of his career.

THE JACKYL has been tracked down by SCOTT HUDSON. He’s been on the phone with the TNA Consultant Group – and they assure Callis that Jerry Lynn will be doubted with. He notes Scott Hudson doesn’t have an MDA, and has come up with a sketch even a child (or Scott Hudson) could understand. It’s an Ultimate X Match. 4 poles are going to be erected on the ring posts. Attached to these poles will be wires that cross diagonally. Strung in the middle – the NWA TNA X Division Title. Since the title is too far off the ground to grab, you have to climb across the wires from the corner and snatch the belt. It’s an interesting gimmick to say the least – and we’ll see how it comes across in practice.

The fun with packages of video does not cease! Glen Gilberti talks for Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger, perhaps the most overrated team from the IWC. They happen to be feuding with the least appreciated team from the same group in America’s Most Wanted. Tonight – 6-man fun!

SIMON DIAMOND, JOHNNY SWINGER, and THE MANAGER OF CHAMPIONS vs. AMERICA’S MOST WANTED and DUSTY RHODES

Pier 27 brawl to start. AMW clears the ring – and Storm is backdropped by Harris over the top and on to the heels. DUSTY starts to do the same thing, then stops to strut. I nearly had a heart attack at the idea of seeing THAT. Harris slingshots himself over the top and hits the plancha. Gilberti tries to get back in, but Dusty chases him off. Johnny Swinger is suplexed back in from the ring apron, and a cover gets a 1. Chris Harris comes in and hits a Stinger splash. Bulldog from the Wildcat – cover and a 2. Swinger tags out to Gilberti – and takes a Thesz press. Rhodes gets the tag – Gilberti begs off from the bionic elbow, and from behind the heels rush. Diamond takes a bionic elbow – and Swinger smartly rolls away from it. Diamond is the first one back in. Dusty wrings the arm, and delivers an elbow. Dusty tags out to Storm – who delivers a rana. When coming off the ropes, Gilberti trips Storm – and the teamwork takes over. A sidewalk slam/DDT combo gets 2 for Swinger. Gilberti clotheslines Storm, Diamond covers – and 2 is all you’ll get! The Simon Series commences – and finishes with a superkick. That’s 2. In steps Swinger who takes a weak superkick, and Storm gets 2. Storm delivers an enzuigiri and tags Rhodes – but the referee was busy with Diamond and the beating on Storm continues. A double team corner splash leads to miscommunication – and Storm clotheslines Diamond to the floor. Gilberti rushes in to stop Storm from tagging out, but Storm dives and gets to Rhodes. FLIP FLOP AND FLY! Bionic elbow! Another! Rhodes grabs the bullrope while the referee is busy with Diamond – and lays out Gilberti! 1, 2, 3!!! (8:43) ***3/4 Excellent little brawl, with a fun CLEAN ending. So, now that Diamond and Swinger are what, 0-4 against the champs can we FINALLY move on?

Post match – CHRISTOPHER DANIELS hits the ring to beat on Dusty, basically begging for the inevitable run in from TRIPLE J. He delivers a spinebuster to Daniels, but here comes JUST JOE. 5-on-4 beatdown continues – before ERIK WATTS, taped ribs and all joins the fun. Jarrett clocks Daniels with a chair, and I think we’ve got us a 10-man tag for next week? Watts grabs the stick, and nulls that, which is too bad – booking a double bullrope match for AMW vs. Simon and Swinger next week. Also, Jarrett and Watts take on Daniels and Legend. I much prefer my match idea.

If you like Jeff Jarrett – you’ll love this package! It’s a map, and Jeff Jarrett’s right in the middle with his really crappy music.

LO KI has words with SCOTT HUDSON. He immediately proves why he should be kept off the microphone – more or less promising to win the match.

TALE OF THE TAPE
Lo Ki                Styles
5'10" Height 5'11"
205 Weight 215
5 Years Pro 4

- Styles: “Survived” in steel cage just 7 days ago
- AJ’s 5th title defense in 2 months
- Will Low-Ki era begin tonight

Man alive I wish these guys would pick a way to spell this guy’s name and stick to it… I’m not changing mine until they consistently use one or the other.

LO KI vs. THE CHAMP (with Vince Russo) (for the NWA world heavyweight title)

JEREMY BORASH does his higher-pitched Michael Buffer impression. And we’re off. They fight over the lockup – before breaking after about 30 seconds. Lo Ki takes Styles down while we look at Russo’s mug on the split screen. They fight over armbars on the mat – winding up with Lo Ki finding himself on his back, but still seemingly prepared to strike, which comes off as a really cool visual. Styles stays backed off until Ki gets to his feet. STIFF back elbow right to the jaw from Ki – and here come the chops. Styles comes back with his ever perfect dropkick, and follows with a neckbreaker for 2. Ki gets whipped into the ropes – holding on and hitting a 619. Snapmare, elbowdrop, 2 count from the challenger. He catches Styles over the top rope with a Dragon Sleeper/Tarantula thing. Tenay calls it the Bite Of The Dragon, so there ya go. With Styles down, Ki kicks the crap out of Styles. He winds up one too many times though – and Styles sweeps his legs out, but Ki comes RIGHT back with a cartwheel kick! Ki goes for a rana, but it’s blocked. Styles Clash attempted – Ki manages to swing his momentum back and over Styles’ body, tries a sunset flip, but Styles holds on. He goes for the Styles Clash again, but Ki grabs a leg and trips him up. Styles fights back with an enzuigiri, and from his back a headscissors style snapmare. Ki flies to the floor. Styles tries his slingshot into an Asai moonsault, but Ki trips him up right before he goes into the moonsault portion. Styles decides instead just to moonsault straight from the apron – lands with Ki’s head in his arms and delivers a Scorpion Deathdrop all in one motion…TO THE RAMPWAY. Jesus… Styles rolls him back in – and it’s only 2. Ki comes back with a rollup which gets 2. Styles recovers from it, kicks Ki in the head, and goes for a cocky pin – knee to the face. It’s good for 2. Double underhook brainbuster from the champ gets a 2. Lo Ki avoids the next suplex attempt, falling back and hooking the Dragon sleeper! Styles backs Ki up to the corner – where Ki hangs on to the hold for as long as he can until Styles escapes and gives him a rana/jawbreaker. I am not making these moves up. That’s 2. Styles rakes the eyes and Russo pokes Ki with the dildo. Styles covers, and draws 2 while Tenay echoes my feelings. “That’s what I hate. We’ve had such a great competitive one-on-one matchup…” He trails off to call the action before the thought gets finished, but I feel ya Mike! Ki pulls the referee between the two – then springboards from the middle rope to kick Styles in the head. I’m not quite sure what the point of that 10 second ref bump was. Flying forearm to the corner from Ki – into the double underhook suplex with a bridge, 1, 2, kickout from Styles. Here come the kicks once again – followed by a cover and 2. Fireman’s carry is reversed by Styles into a DDT on the way down. Both men are down. Ki gets up first and misses the handspring knee – and gets clotheslined. Hook of the leg, cover, 1, 2, kickout from Lo Ki. Styles comes with a flurry of punches, but Ki leaps on the shoulders of Styles with a midring octopus! Styles gets out of that in a hurry and hits a rolling German followed by a pancake. Styles gets 2. Styles tries a Scorpion Deathdrop – but Ki kicks OVER his head and to Styles’ head, followed by a cartwheel kick sending Styles to the floor. Ki follows him out – where Russo tries to interfere, so Ki kicks the shit out of HIM! Russo is set up on the announce table – Ki goes to the top rope, and RUDY CHARLES stands in the way. Ki goes to grab Styles instead, and the referee is distracted – there’s the dildo shot to the head of Lo Ki – Styles back in, as is the referee, 1, 2, 3. (14:50) **** A hearty FUCK YOU to the booking committee.

We immediately hit the credits and go out.

There certainly was a power outage last week. In Vince Russo’s head.

Argh.

I suppose I should praise the good wrestling at the very least. I really can’t whine about 3 *** matches. But I certainly can about the finishes!

Next week – the frustration continues! See you then.




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Mr. Shane, your rankings = a good thing! And Brew is SO not a light heavyweight.
- The Shooter Dean Malenko, SUPER SHANE SPEAR RANKINGS 2 (2002)
Related threads: NWA:TNA 8-13 (Bad Finishes 'R Us) - NWA TNA: August 6, 2003 - The Best Feud You're (probably) Not Watching - More...
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