Welcome to Baltymore Maryland, land of one crappy baseball team. Most of the fellas are in ring and ready to git down for a World Championship battle royale. Batista got a full out entrance, and my sister remarks: "That man is very huge. What's wrong with him?" She seems to think he has some kind of pituitary disorder resulting in crippling side effects like the inability to make shadow animals or smile without pain in the needle-holes. Then Jericho comes out. I really enjoy Jericho’s entrance music, because I know it’s not going to be played more than once. Then Vince comes out and low and behold, he totally takes the wind out of everyone’s sails by saying this match could not be for the World Title because that way, anyone could win it. So what the fuck was the point of the last 12 Royal Rumbles?*
I would point out in my Orton-hating way, that the reason for this fuckupery is because Orton made the wrong announcement last week, cuz y’see he’s an overpushed dumbfuck who can’t master speaking. Benoit may have sounded like he was passing an alien larvae through his urethra when he was GM, but at least he didn’t say anything that ruined their plans.
Anyway, we begin. They eliminate Viscera, and I am once again bludgeoned over the skull with the notion that King Fucking Mabel was rehired and they let Rico go. Anyway, Rhyno was soon done, completely erasing any minor suspicion in the mind of even the most optimistic fan that Vince regards Rhyno at a level lower than Iron Mike Sharpe. At least Ross acknowledges that they are a team, but he says nothing about the fact they haven’t actually, y’know, teamed together in ages. Then Ramses, or Tomko if you prefer, gets sent flyin’ and I think one of the frogs but I’m not sure. Eugene gets Maven, after Maven turns his back on Rain Man.
Commercials. I am soooo sick of this damn 7 minute Lebron James thing. Cut it down.
We come back in time for two Diesel pushes. First, Snitsky rids the world of Regal, Conway, and RoseyCane, but don’t think Batista will be outdone, as he Diesels Eugene, Tajiri, Val Venis, Christian, and Ric Flair, who reacts as if he was just told to job to Rugged Ronnie Garvin…again. It really is beautiful how Flair flips out, but it would help if he didn’t flip out over everything. I can see him doing this watching Closing Bell with Maria Bartiromo and finding out his stocks went down a tenth of a point. Or going to McDonald’s and discovering they have no ice for his root beer. And then Grimace throws him upside down into the yellow plastic tube, and he runs back and climbs up the twisty-slide to do a body-press, only to be caught and thrown off into the ball pit. And it all starts when he tells Birdy he wants to “make a woman out of her”.
Bacne is gone next, and we got Richards acting doofy. I don’t why people love him so much, but he’s funny here, and then the babyfaces molest him for some strange reason. I guess maybe he’s a heel, but he doesn’t get enough TV time to make that clear one way or another. When the ring clears up in a battle royale, you get a real good sense of what management thinks of people. Here we had Jericho, Shelton, Batista, Edge, and Benoit. Shelton was thrown out first, which is fitting because he’s the IC champ---which is a bottom-of-the-top/top-of-the-bottom position to be in. Then Jericho got thrown out, which is fitting as well, because he’s not very tall. Next, we had Batista out, and yeah, he’s almost there but not quite, so that explains that. Then Edge and Benoit, battle it out, and they do a Lex/Bret. I don’t know if you realize this, but if you decode the book Revelation it says little more than the fact that every single battle royal must end this way. They could have had Edge get eliminated without the refs seeing it because Batista is making a scene---then had him sneak in and dump out Benoit, then had Orton come out and put them both in a match but noooo.
Lots of replays.
Then we get General Manager Orton and McMahon watching the replays. Vince tells him he has an important decision to make, and then Vince tells Orton that maybe he should write it down this time so he can say it right. Then Edge comes in and goes over Orton’s head to Vince, his first mistake. Vince washes his hands of the whole situation, and Edge literally begs and at some point quotes Jake “the Snake” Roberts word for word…with his “pleaaaase” and “I neeed this”. Orton plays the jerk, before walking off to the ring.
Then we find out Maven hates retards. He says he’s been around for 4 years and done jack all, and he’s right, but at least he didn’t have to watch it. He also got a beejay from Torrie Wilson in a hospital! I mean, who can say that? He tries to beat up Eugene but is stopped by the locker room police.
Then Orton hits on some nut-achingly hot chick, and there is much meaningless babbling until Benoit prevents on-the-job sex. He screams and roars and I believe it all, because legitimacy, thy name is Benoit. Orton goes out to the ring, but it seems to be taking him a while to get there.
Then Orton makes some matches, including Flair versus Lawler, which can’t turn out well, and La Resistance V.S. Eugene and Regal for the “world heavyweight Championship". Castrate him, please. And then the Triple Threat we all knew was coming.
Then Lita & Victoria battled Trish & Molly. The match mostly consisted of Victoria getting her ass handed to her, leading me to believe that she’d done something to anger management. Somehow, though, her bestial hotness makes up for everything. Lita grabs the duke with a sick-looking DDT, which is the best move on the show right now, even if she can’t do anything else properly. It’s not unlike the Kenzo Suzuki kneedrop, it totally cancels out the utter crappiness that comes before it, because the move is just that effin’ good.
Then we gets us a Moozlim Montage. So what I’m getting out of this is the following: they’re not terrorists, but they’re angry at white America for treating them that way, and they’re overreacting to it. Seems very complex for a show where you can attempt murder on camera and no one ever calls the cops. But whatever, I’m not a white American or an Arab, so I watch with detached discomfort, and it suits me well.
Then we saw the first ever match in WWE history where the participants’ combined age equals eternity. Lawler and Flair don’t do too badly considering how far they’ve both fallen since their primes, but Jerry perhaps forgot how regional an attraction he really was back in the day, milking the un-strapping and the fist-off-the-top for more than today’s audience could ever have possibly let them be worth. Had this bout been in Memphis we’d be talking a different story now. So yeah, okay, but JEEEZUS---that inside cradle set the business back a few decades. The tap-out was nice.
Then Orton gave some ug-mo a job, and she offered sex anyway. He then implied to her and another chick that they were going to be sexually exploited in the most public way possible, and because all women in this company are apparently soulless, semen-ingesting automatons, they liked the notion.
Then we saw Benoit winning the title at Mania, and damn if it doesn’t make you feel like it could happen again, tonight, in BALTYMORE!
Then we see what Shelton Benjamin came from. It’s a nice little segment, and I’m sure when they make a Shelton DVD 7 years too early, we’ll see these interviews in full.
Then Orton and a bunch of whores waste our lives. I do believe all 25, 000 original RAW diva contestants will be given some kind of role in the company before the year is out. This is boring and pointless, but I don’t particularly care if Stacy’s mom is proud of her. Then there is a group hug, and it has a sort of Full House feel to it, if that show was about a brothel.
Then we get another totally meaningless tag-match, this one consisting of Eugene and Regal against La Resistance. I don’t see the point in three-minute tag-matches. Eugene celebrates with kids, and then they watch in horror and revulsion as Maven assaults Eugene before their tiny impressionable eyes. Fear not, though, because at least they learned the proper roles of women in the segment prior.
Then Jericho and Trish traded insults without the distraction of segues. Jericho informs us that next week RAW will be a party, and I’m reminded of those Nitro parties they used to show on the other channel. God, those had to be faked. Who the fuck parties to Mike Enos versus El Dandy?
Then Flair and Batista argued. Flair came off like a guy who has been in prison too long to be adaptable to life on the outside, and that prison is Triple H anal cavity. Batista showed more charisma and acting ability than Orton ever has and probably ever will as he chidingly told Triple H that he had his back, while his eyes said “you’re toast, big nose!” He can conveys the cliché animal intensity in the ring, but that’s by design. Everyone big is forced to wrestle that way. But backstage is another story, he subtly gets across every single emotion he needs to, every thought. He’s going to be damn, damn good.
Then we get a 24/7 plug. I still can’t get it up here in the boonies known as Toronto. One can only hope.
Then we got the Triple Threat to end all Triple Threats, until the next one, which will be inside of the three months, I bet. Triple H looks smarter than the others as they battle it out, but dives in soon enough. Benoit topes them on the floor eventually. It gets back into the ring, and Batista and Flair have to make a save soon enough. Orton comes down and orders them out, and they obey, fearing the massive disciplinary action he could impose on them for at least ten more minutes. Well, Batista probably left because he wanted to, but what’s Flair’s excuse?
Action continues on the inside, Edge with a rollup the fans totally buy and I do too, bah gawd. I cringe when Benoit snap suplexes Edge onto Trips’ face. Highly and uncharacteristically careless for a Benoit move, but he probably meant to ‘plex Edge onto H’s chest or abdomen and the positioning got mixed. Trips rolls out to the floor to recover and Benoit ties up Edge in the sharpshooter. Edge conveys his desire to tap with great relish, while the Crippler just puts mustard on it.
Out on the floor, Triple H INEXCUSABLY attacks Orton before trying to save his title. Utter retardation, that. But at least it shows he realizes not much harm can be done to him by Bob Jr. Jr. in the last three minutes. Or so you’d think, but moments later the Son of a Cowboy CRANKS Trips with a chair, and we suddenly realize he won’t return to the ring, and that a new Champ is inevitable.
The finish, I’m not ashamed to say I loved. Nothing like a draw between two guys that results in the one who was totally messed up keeping his title. Which ya gotta believe is where this goes next week.
There, I contributed. Now to lay idle for another year.
(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 30.11.04 1134) Hot Virgins-The World's Most Steadily Shrinking Commodity
The show didn't sound all too impressive but your writing flair made the summary of it all interesting. In particular your quote about Benoit's promo ability, that had me in stitches.
It's interesting, this 4 GM thing. Hopefully Jericho will give himself a Title Shot next week and take the belt off HHH as vengeance for that night in 2000. That'd make for excellent television, but no doubt it'll be something to do with HHH and Edge.
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"HHH/Austin vs. Benoit Jericho "Tag Team Title" (RAW 5/21/01) * HHH tears his quad muscle, out of action for 8 months" OK, have you seen this match? The quad injury was a random accident, and not during any outlandish stunt.