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The W - Pro Wrestling - My Eagle Pro Cruiserweight Tournament review
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1255 days
Last activity: 1252 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85


The DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #144 is oot over at the DVDVR site. Here's my Eagle Pro Cruiserweight Tournament Review from said bloated DVDVR. I've been reviewing this one tournament for over two years now, I'm estimating. ENJOY! WON'T YOU?
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EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNEY 7/23/2000- Black Hole I/ Black Hole II (CROWN) vs King Leo/ Milky Way Soldier (CROWN)
(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)
" IIIIIIIIIII was a BROKEN MAN! I had nowhere to turn.... I fell onto my bed, my face in my hands, tears.... streaming down my face... as she LEFT THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER LOVED HER! She was a honkeytonk angel who gave up... the only one who ever loved her.... and turned back to the wild.... side of life...."

"Fucking CROM, Milky Way, if I ever hear you refer to a Hank Thompson song that isn't 'Six Pack To Go', I swear to Mithra that I will kill you with THIS axe."

The axe weighed 80 pounds and the blade was the size of a hood of a small foreign car, the steel glistening in the midday sun- as the blood of the recently slain had not had time to dry.

"Well I should put an arrow through your forehead for CONTINUALLY cursing in Robert E Howard theological terms. I'm talking about LOVE GONE WRONG! I am here in the wasteland, WE are here- two men without women- and I confide my inner agony of losing my beloved Tiffany to her own wilder ways and all you can do is pick at my inner song- my inner poetry- that deals with my loss via a 1950s country and western song."

"Well, she's not here to acquit herself with the Kitty Wells response song so let it rest. And this Tiffany you speak of never left the wild side of life. Gull-NOR the hideous troll useta freak on that rump til the morning light behind your back. So to speak."

"Leo, usurped king and loser of a thousand kingdoms, don't make me take off my heels and shove my leather-gloved fist up your roided out ass."

"I.... I.... I don't know if I should be scared or intrigued. And I was kidding about Gull-NOR. He was a true friend and fine battle companion. He felched your dad though."

"By the Eye of Aggamoto, I swear that I will kill you before it's all over. And then I will reenact Naughty Substitute Teacher pornography scenarios with your mom. AGAIN!"

"I don't think I will need your help killing me. If we don't find something to eat in this Bran Mak Morn-forsaken land, I'm gonna start eating my own hands."

"Oh shit, you should have said something. I got a bag of corn-dodgers and some whiskey off the Picts we killed back yonder. I know I fuckin told you about it. Here."

"Oh shit. Thanks. I got a story to tell you about the last time I drank moonshine whiskey off somebody I had just killed. The lining of my mouth STILL isn't completely healed."

"Was it the whiskey or the clamydia from one of your worn out whores?"

"No, I doused your sister in rubbing alcohol before I fucked her. I should be good to go."

"I should have thought of having your dad gargle with that last week. I been itchin like a banshee."

"That's why mom left him, he and your brother were- wait....."

"what?"

"shhh. you smell that?"

"Yeah, I figured it was you being repulsive again."

"No human can make that smell, not even your brother's cooch."

"What do you think it is? Blackholes?"

"I would guess."

"I'm guessing right over the horizon."

They hide behind a giant red cedar tree that belonged to a now flayed hobbit. The Blackholes walk into view. King Leo turns to Milky Way Soldier.

"Crom. Those fuckers creep me out. The smell, the arms, the snot, the crooked teeth, the endless spewing of Celtic Frost lyrics...."

"No shit."

The clean-shaven Blackhole belches a monstrous belch and poots a hideous poot. Blackhole #2 is completely repulsed. They are not friends. They are cousins.

"{Goddammit Tommy, can you give that shit a rest.} Serenades of opposition, absurdity, humans fate and hope, true reflections of community - procreation of the gods and lords."

"{Fuck you, Wayne.} See the portal, gate to madness locked forever in a veil of shame."

"{I see a fat disgusting pig who farts twenty-four hours a day.} In the nuclear domain, arcades lost in eternal skies written by the insane."

"{Ah, fuck you and why don't you do something with that hair. I could fry a fucking pot roast with that much grease.} In the land of darkness, the warrior- that was me, grotesque glory. None will ever see them fall and hunts and war are like everlasting shadows."

"{Hey, you smell something?} Dull is my mind, captive of illusion, remaining awake is just dust?"

"{How the fuck could I miss it? It's worse that the bog coming out of your cornhole.} Winds emerge from the east, deep dark water moves even the cold moon eclipses when they adore the dog-faced-beast."

"{Fuckin' humans... THERE BEHIND THE TREE!} What will the wind bring these days? The smell of self-deception? Masses of dullness, a spiral cage as they ride on visual aggression!"

King Leo's eyes are saucerwide as he turns to Milky Way Soldier and they steel for combat! "C'mon, you fat motherfuckers! Come GITCHA SOME!"

King Leo raises his awesome axe and swiftly hacks off one the seven arms of Blackhole #2! "{HAHAHA! Is that all you got, motherfucker?} Don't ask for another messiah; no martyr will save the stupid (again). Is truth what you believe? A prophet's tears will dry..."

Blackhole #1 clubs with a forearm and body slams the Milky Way Soldier. "OOF"

"{There's more where that came from, human SCUM!} Once prayed to my gods, searching for the whistled memories, empty eyes are staring now, to my feet a land of SORROW!"

King Leo gets stomped by the elephantine legs of Blackhole #2. "Mother of Mitra, Milky Way! Fall back. Use a flare!"

Milky Way shoots a flare into the air and blinds the Blackholes momentarily, allowing Leo and his friend to get behind a nearby rock. "What the fuck? These guys are fucking FREAKS. Goddam, I hate Blackholes. I fuckin' hate them."

"Hey Leo, maybe we can confuse them. Did you ever own any Celtic Frost?"

"Well, my friend Bruce had all of it- even the Hellhammer. We would ride around in his toyota and listen to it while vandalizing things."

"Well, why don't I shoot another flare and just scream out whatever you remember and use a high-pitched voice so it will sound like a Blackhole and we'll be in. We'll cut them up while they try to figure out what's going on."

"Eh, anything's better than those two stomping on my groin again."

The Blackholes lumber into the area, having easily picked up the scent of the humans and having also regained their vision. Milky Way Soldier ties two flare arrows together and FIRES THEM RIGHT BETWEEN THEM!

"Quick RUN FOR THEM!"

"{AH! It's a TRAP!} Lend me your steel-bearing hand, so I may reign the Jewel Throne!"

King Leo thinks of any Celtic Frost he can remember! "Oh subjects of pain Lovers of death! You will feel the yearning flames! {I have a fat bottom! The cabinet is righteous!}"

The Black Holes are confused. "{I have a fat bottom? The cabinet is righteous????} Oh subjects of pain Lovers of death? You will feel the yearning flames???????????"

"{Yeah, what the fuck is going on?} Inverted horizons, denied truth and blinded eyes! The Titans arise, the monuments fall, we cannot halt?"

Milky Way Soldier freezes up and can only remember words to songs on Cold Lake. "Ah FUCK! This CAN'T be happening. "Into Crypt of... of... FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK! Oh well, here we go..."

He cups his mouth and screams as King Leo wacks another arm off of BlackHole #1. "Cherry Orchards. Ginger looks upon pain.
Cherry Orchards. August fades like tears in vain. {My mother doth mount THE GOAT! Red skies at night!}"

"BLASPHEMER!!! {BLASPHEMER!!!}"

"Aw fuck, Milky Way. you done fucked up now." The Blackholes become ENRAGED! and rip blindly in the air like huge hulking dervishes, spinning and protracting their claws, screaming an ungodly Tom G Warrior Solo Of A scream.

"Fuck the bullshit, Leo..."

"Yeah, fuck the bullshit. RUN!"

TO BE CONTINUED.




(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 11.12.03 1702)


YES, I AM DEAN.
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CRZ
Big Brother
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Since: 9.12.01
From: ミネアポリス

Since last post: 5 hours
Last activity: 3 hours
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#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.65
Hey DEAN!

1. DVDVR 143 was never linked from your main site - in fact, it still says 143 is "coming soon!"

2. Some of your graphical links in http://www.deathvalleydriver.com/ dvdvr/recentdvdvr.html are broken - you either need to change the links to ".JPG" or change the filenames of the broken graphics to ".jpg"

3. I found some other typos the other day but I forgot where they were - one of your comix, I think - oh, right, the Big Japan stuff in 123 - one of your links is "bigjapn" instead of "bigjapan"

Please remedy this IMMEDIATELY

or don't



CRZ
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1255 days
Last activity: 1252 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
It is 250% Rippa's fault. Stupid Rippa.

DEAN.




YES, I AM DEAN.
Eddie Famous
Andouille








Since: 11.12.01
From: Catlin IL

Since last post: 298 days
Last activity: 291 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.25

"Going 90 miles an hour down a dead end street..."



"In the sky. Lord, in the sky..."
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1255 days
Last activity: 1252 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
    "Going 90 miles an hour down a dead end street..."


That's Hank Snow, not Celtic Frost. I get them mixed up too.



YES, I AM DEAN.
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