OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And, by that, I mean that HOT NEWZ JUNIOR is back with more Hot Newz! That's right, it's me! My old uncle had a HEART ATTACK or something old people have so I'm taking over, biznoses! I'm going to have a big look at big Money In the Bank which will be BIG but first I have EXCLUSIVE news on Batista joining the MMA as an Ultimate Fighter! That's right you marks, Batista is joining MMA! You thought it would never happen because he's not a LEGIT tough guy (Booker T once gave him a Book End into the ocean shooting a Summerslam commercial!) but the real truth is that MMA is actually FAKE!!!! Don't believe me? Then how come Brock Lesner, a FAKE WRESTLER is the current MMA champion of MMA? Because it's fake, that's why! Nobody knew wrestling was fake until Hulk Hogan went on the Arseholio Hall Show and said "wrestling's fake, brother, I never took no steroids!" The EXACT SAME THING is true of MMA! So expect a big showdown in the Octogan (named after an octopus!) between Batista and Lesnar! Batista will hit a SPEAR right away to the surprise of many, but when he goes for a second spear Lesnar reverses it to a Googleplatter which he learned from tHe Undertaker (a REAL shooter!) However Lesnar then POWERS OUT and turns it into a Batista Bomb right into the side of the Octogan! Then then both punch each other at the exact same time like in Rocky 3 JUST as the bell rings for the end of the round! Who's goign to win? I'm not going to tell you cheaprollerskates, you have to buy the big MMA ppv to find out!
And now for your FREE MONEY.........In The Bank recap! Yes, WWE had a ppv called Money In The Bank a while ago and I watched! I'm reviewing it now which is a bit late but when you consider all the COOL STUFF I do in my life this review is actually EARLY!
The First match was the Smackdown Money In The Bank match! Frankly most of this match (99.999999%) SUCKED because nobody took any big bumps! As everyone knows, the ladder match was invented in the Hardy Boyz back yard when the Hardyz and Edge and Christian used to back yard wrestle (Edge and Christian were 13, Matt was 12, Jeff was 9!) So you'd THINK Matt and Christian would take some big, 450 bumps on their HEADS but instead they didn't do shit and at one point they both fell off and actually landed on their feet! What a rip off! Even Dashing Cody Rhodes took more bumps than Matt and Christian, and he's gay! The match picked up when Big Show FINALLY got up off his lazy ass and brought his GIANT LADDER into the ring! I love that giant ladder! It's so cool! The great director MIchael Bay should put it in Transformers 3 as a new Transformer that transforms into a giant ladder! Let's face it, he needs something to replace Megan Fox! Kane won the match because WWE wanted to SWERVE everyone by having the worst possible winner imaginable! One thumb up!
Next was Alicia Fox defending whichever belt she has against Eve Torres! This was pretty good compared to 99% of woman's matches, but that's not saying much since 99.99% of all woman's matches SUCK! Alicia won with the AXE KICK then it cut to a BLACK MAN wearing a hoodie and DARK GLASSES in the crowd but he ducked down out of the way of the camera! NO ONE on the internet has mentioned this yet but that was actually BOOKER T who is set to return soon with Alicia as his new Sharmell (the real Sharmell is pregnant so she won't be doing no axe kicks!) Half a thumb up.
The Hart Dynamitey versus the UFOs was next! I can't remebmer anything about this match other than that Stryker and Lawler spent the whole match saying "YOU'RE SO BORING DH SMITH, DO SOMETHING COOL, SHOW SOME CHARISMA YOU LOSER!" The Harts won when Smith put one of the UFOs in the Sharpshooter but FAILED to do a sexy dance first so Cole said "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T DO A SEXY DANCE FIRST, THE BORING ROBOT BASTARD!" so really the Harts were the real losers! One thumb DOWN.
Rey Mysterious versus Jack Swagger was next! This was a good match WHILE IT LASTED but it only lasted literally FIVE MINUTES which makes it a BAD MATCH! If they had just done the same five minute match four times stuck together and it had lasted twenty minutes it would have been a CLASSIC, but at only five minutes it was a SUCKIC! Then Swagger was going to snap Rey's ankle off and take it home afterwards and KANE made the save! I said to my friend ANDY ICE who was watching with me (we're not gay, just friends!) that this meant Kane was going to cash in his Money In The Bank! Andy said "NO WAY!" and tried to give me a Rock Bottom, but I elbowed my way out and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner! However I hit my head on the coffee table on the way down and was knocked clean out! NO THUMBS UP.
When I woke up, Andy Ice had gone and stole my Wii and Kane was the new champion! At first I was angry (I love my Wii!) but then I realised that Kane is much taller than Rey so it makes sense that he'd beat him, even though he's like 50 years old and Rey is only 23! TWO THUMBS UP!
Next was Layla versus Kelly Kelly! I was glad Andy had left because I want to pay VERY CLOSE attention to this match, if you know what I mean (I was masturwanking!) This match made the match between Alicia and Eve look like a match between two AMATEURS! Alicia and Eve may as well retire because they'll NEVER have a match as good as this one! Layla was trained by old school English shooters like William Regal, Pat Tanaka and Big Daddy so she literally carried Kelly through this match (she did a lot of firewoman's carries!) Also at one point Michelle McCool was being COCKY on the barricade so the spunky Tiffany ran over and SHOOT SHOVED Michelle into the crowd where some guy peed on her! This was NOT supposed to happen (it wasn't a worked shoot shove!) and backstage the Undertaker grabbed Tiffany around the throat like he was going to choke slam her but then Tiffany kicked him in the balls and ran away and Undertaker was so embarrassed that he never told anyone about this (but my source was watching from a garbage can!) so Tiaffany got to keep her job! Anyway Layla won (of course!) with an ENGLISH PINNING COMBINATION! TWO THUMBS and SOMETHING ELSE (my respect for women!) up!
Next was the RAW IS RAW money in the bank mizzatch! This one was EVEN WORSER than the Smackdown match because it had Evan Bourne in it and he didn't do any 720 bumps landing on his tailbone! He didn't do shit! Miz won despite not taking one big bump during the match. There should be a rule where you can only win money in the bank if you've taken a bump first! Two thumbs in the middle leaning towards down!
Finally it was a cage match (JUST a cage, there wasnt' even barbed wire or electicity on the top!) between Shameus and John Cena! What a rip off! This is the Money In The Bank ppv and the main event is a CAGE match!? It should have been a cage match with a ladder in the cage where to win you have to climb the ladder and jump over the cage! That would have been entertaining whereas this match was the opposite: UNENTERTAINING! I can't even remember what happened except I think Nexus put thumbtacks all around the ring and Cena was too scared to climb down and step on one so Shameus won! Then afterwards Cena gave Michael Tarver a proper Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point clotheline and I thought he was cool for about 0.8 seconds until I remembered his stupid face. NEGATIVE THUMBS DOWN.
Layla slapped Matt Striker in the face violently backstage on Smackdown after his latest cruel "little english muffin!" jibe at her. Racist bullies used to call her that at school!
TNA is putting on an ECW ppv this Sunday! For some reason! I can't be bothered looking up the card, but I heard there's a part where Tommy Dreamer says "I'm hardcore, I'll take both of them!" and Kimona Iwannafuckher and Beaulah say "he's old, we'll take SHARKBOY!" and Sharkboy comes out and does a sexy dance with them! There will also be individual one minute tributes to every former ECW star who has passed away...so that will take up ninety minutes of the show! Also there will be some shitty match with tables and barbed wire and fat Raven in the main event which people will chant "this is awesome!" to and I'll chant "I'm glad I didn't pay for this!" as I watch my illegal download!
If you think the Kane/Undertaker angle is just going to end when Kane breaksdown and admits that it was EVIL KANE, his altered ego who wears the red Kane mask, who turned Undertaker into a potato and Kane will confront his dark side in a magic mirror and then step through the mirror and BECOME Evil Kane and job to Undertaker in a casket match at the new ppv "Casket Match"...you are wrong! Undertaker will RETURN in two weeks on Smackdown and say "Kane my brother, it was not Rey Mysterio, I was still part potato when I said that...it was BIG DADDY V!" and then Big Daddy V comes out from under the ring and gives Kane and Undertaker a double belly to belly suplex city! Big Daddy V then wins the title from Kane in a best two out of three falls match at the new ppv "Best Two Out Of Three Falls"! This sets up the big casket match with Undertaker at "Casket Match" where Big Daddy V goes for his new finisher the Banzai Drop INTO a casket but Undertaker MOVES at the last second and Big Daddy V goes into the casket and Taker wins! Then Big Daddy V is never seen or mentioned again.
Summerslam is cumming soon! I'm not going to check when because I'm TOO BUSY! However my friend Steve The Brick told me that the main event will see Team WWE (John Cena! Bret Hart!? R Truth!?! THE GREAT KHALI!?!?!) take on Team Nexus (The Nexus!) in some kind of wrestling match! And if you think that it will just end with Cean down seven on one, all his partners taken out, looking for a tag and then TRIPLE H runs out, tags in...AND GIVES CENA THE PEDIGREE, grabs a mic and says "you're looking at the New Nexus Order of wrestling, brother, and these fans can STICK IT!"...then you're right! That's exaclyt how it will end! There will also be a match between Shameus and Randy Orton! They will do a FACE TO FACE interview before the match and Orton will say "you know what, SHAME-us, I won the world title for the first time SIX YEARS AGO at Summerslam and history will repeat itself tonight...for the final desire!" Then Shameus says "oh is that right, fella? Well tell me this, fella, who was it that you beat six years ago, fella?" And while Orton looks confused (he can't say that name!) Shameus gives him an IRISH KICK ring in the shoulder and you hear a POP and Shameus says "now how are you going to beat me, fella, after taking an Irish kick to the shoulder, fella?" Then Orton wins with the RKO anyway.
Well that's it for me, I've decided that wrestling SUCKS and Santino isn't even funny, so I'll be back NEVER with more Hot Newz, maybe my uncle will return if he ever waits up from his vegetable state, I don't know or care!
I know he's done it before. It's more like a 96% of the time rule. Every once in a while, they want something different to happen after the match, but still want Kane to win. So he blows the ringposts beforehand. -Jag