SCORING SUMMARY: CLB: Denton - 12' (1st of season, 3rd of career) CLB: McBride - 53' (1st of season, 51st of career) NE: Ralston - 86' (1st of season, 40th of career)
DISCIPLINE SUMMARY: CAUTION: NE - Kante - 64' CAUTION: NE - Franchino - 81'
--- Aw, fuck you tennis, and fuck you ESPN2. Soccer is so much more important than the third set of a match of a sport NO ONE IN THE WORLD GIVES A SHIT ABOUT UNLESS IT TAKES PLACE DURING WIMBELDON. I'm exaggerating a little bit, but dammit, I'm pissed. Oh Jesus, it's Capriati v. Davenport. No wonder. I'll take this time to inform the masses that New England's Joe-Max Moore is suspended from this game due to a red card last week against Chicago. I'll have to follow this on the MLSNet Event Log until we actually get to see the match which means NO COMMENTARY FOR A WHILE YEEEEHAWWS. Unless I talk about the tennis. Davenport up 1-0. HOLY SHIT ONE ALL! Commentators think we're having a good time watching the third set of this tennis match. NEWSFLASH. WE'RE NOT. Davenport up 2-1.
SOCCER UPDATE: PLAYERS ARE KICKING THE BALL AROUND! There's a souvenier for the crowd. More kicking of the ball around. AND WE'RE BACK TO TENNIS!
Oh shit, I don't think the MLSNet Event Log is working this week. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! Davenport scores a break point, and we're 3-1. Please god, let this match end. OMG THUNDER OUTSIDE. Gonads & Strife! GONADS IN THE LIGHTNING! IN THE LIGHTNING! IN THE RAIN! Capriati breaks it right back to make it 3-2. This is going to make me impale my eyes with an icepick if I keep paying attention. I'll join back up when the soccer love is back.
SOCCER UPDATE: Holy shit Columbus has a goal. Denton scored in the 12th. Well then. Back to Tennis.
Davenport's up 5-2. This should be over soon. And there it is. Davenport wins 6-2 in the third. TO SOCCER WE WILL GO.
FIRST HALF: Holy shit we missed a lot. Crew leads 1-0 in the 28th minute. I didn't realize it, but Denton the goal scorer is a defender. Nice. Martino gets a one on one chance at 30', but Adin Brown gets a NICE save. Buddle is down, and they're calling for the stretcher. Wynalda's got Joe-Max Moore on the sidelines. Let's go back to last week to check out that red card. Damn, that's a REALLY bad call. If that tackle was from behind, I'm Ed McMahon. New England gets a free kick just outside the box at 33'. Shot goes into the wall and is cleared. Buddle is too injured to continue so he's subbed out for Jeff Cunningham. Martino gets another good shot off in the 36th that beats Brown, but it's just wide of the far post. Crew gets about three years to try to put in in the goal. Once the actual shot goes off, it finds nothing but the side netting. Mainsonneuve takes a shot in the 43rd that's just a tad too high. New England gets a break the other way, but Twellman's shot is way off. Into stoppage time we go. After two minutes, we're at the half.
HALFTIME: Veronica Paysee wastes some time with Taylor Twellman. SOMEONE GIVE THAT BOY SOME FASHION ADVICE. Youth Soccer Spotlight: Ohio FC Mutiny U-12. And here's Wynalda with 2002 MLS ROOKIE OF THE YEAR KYLE MARTINO! Thank god for the "Soccer Nation" spot so I can get my Cobi Jones fix for the week. And here's Tommy Smyth to mumble in his Irish accent about Twellman and Ruiz trying to have back-to-back 20-goal seasons. 2ND HALF! NEXT!
SECOND HALF: New England subs Joseph for Hernandez during the break. Kante and Cunningham have ISSUES so referee Brian Hall makes them shake hands. Awwww! Columbus gets a chance in the 50th, but it's cleared right before the shot goes off. And oh my, Columbus busts into the box. Cunningham crosses, and McBride with the EMPTY NETTER IN THE 53rd minute. 2-0 Crew. Seriously, it's hilarious how bad the Rev defense is in this game. If it wasn't for the GOLIATH that is Adin Brown, this would be much, much worse. Revs do get a shot off in the 59th minute, but Busch is right there. Revs player goes down in the box, Hall says play on and gets railed on by the crowd. Kante gets a yellow going the other way for a persistant hold. Another chance for New England in the 66th. Busch makes an easy save. Fans are BOOING. Aww. Crew makes a sub. Oughton on for Maisonneuve. Wow, the MLSNet Event Log says we're in the 686th minute. I THOUGHT that tennis match went on forever. OMG Kante's getting married tomorrow~! Match is kind of winding down as Columbus looks to be happy with their lead. New England subs Ja. Moore for Harris. Franchino gets a yellow for a hard foul on Martino. Might've been a red had their not been the slight amount of ball contact that there was. Crew subs McCarty for Garcia in the 84th. HOLY SHIT NEW ENGLAND JUST SCORED! Ralston in the 86th. And suddenly, business picks up for the Revolution. Cunningham takes a spill in the box, but he's whistled for a dive, and the ball goes the other way. New England pushing for a goal. Columbus pulled way back to hold the lead. 3 minutes of stoppage time ahead. Revs running on desperation. They get several balls into the box, but the Crew defense is right there. Time running out. Last chance for New England ends with a Ralston foul, and we're done.
FINALLY! SOMEONE WINS!
Columbus improves to 2-0-1 with 7 points. New England falls to 0-1-1 with 1 point.
-------------------- CHICAGO FIRE 0:0 D.C. UNITED
SCORING SUMMARY: No Goals Scored
DISCIPLINE SUMMARY: CAUTION: CHI - Pause - 11' CAUTION: DC - Petki - 61' CAUTION: DC - Ecthevarry - 90'
--- CHI: 0-0-2, 2 pts DC: 0-1-1, 1 pt
-------------------- LOS ANGELES GALAXY 1:1 NEW YORK/NEW JERSEY METROSTARS
SCORING SUMMARY: LA: Jones - 20' (1st of season, 58th of career) MET: Moreno - 42' (PK) (1st of season, 70th of career)
DISCIPLINE SUMMARY: CAUTION: LA - Hong - 36' CAUTION: LA - Hendrickson - 39' CAUTION: LA - Ruiz - 75' CAUTION: LA - Marshall - 87'
--- LA: 0-0-3, 3 pts MET: 0-1-1, 1 pt
-------------------- KANSAS CITY WIZARDS 1:1 SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES
SCORING SUMMARY: KC: Own Goal (Onstad) - 74' SJ: Mullan - 81' (1st of season, 6th of career)
Shoot, sounds like I missed a pretty good game there. Thanks for the recaps, MC ... the only thing better than watching a soccer game is reading a recap of a soccer game! Well, no, not really, but still, nice job every week.
(Would I be remiss in mentioning that I'm kind of sweet on Jennifer Capriati in a tomboy-next-door kind of way? No? Ah.)
Please god, let this match end. OMG THUNDER OUTSIDE. Gonads & Strife! GONADS IN THE LIGHTNING! IN THE LIGHTNING! IN THE RAIN!
I laughed until I cried, then I laughed some more. Funny, funny, funny.
Any man who hates small dogs and children can't be all bad.
Because of everyone being scheduled to play at least 12 games this season, an exemption has been provided allowing teams that go 6-6 to go to Bowl Game That Only Degenerate Gamblers Pay Attention To at 1 p.m. in the middle of December.