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20.4.18 0212
The W - Random - Maxim Magazines 30 Lamest Superheroes
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Back to Back Survivor

Since: 3.1.02
From: Northern NJ

Since last post: 31 days
Last activity: 10 days
#1 Posted on
I have to admit my comic reading days are long in the past so I really don't know who some of these are....

Maxim Lounge members get five bonus superzeroes!

30. Silver Surfer
Status: Member of the Defenders
Secret identity: Norrin Rad
Origin: In exchange for planet-eating Galactus sparing his home world of Zenn-la, Norrin Rad became his lackey, the Silver Surfer. Eventually, he defies the gargantuan planet hog and starts using his power for good.
Power: He has superstrength, invulnerability, and can shoot beams of the “power cosmic.” Also has great balance.
Why so lame: More like a living billboard for sports drinks, the Silver Surfer always looked like he was traversing the cosmos buck naked. And why would an alien space traveler have a surfboard anyway?

29. Blue Beetle
Status: Member of the Justice League of America
Secret identity: Ted Kord
Origin: Ted Kord, former chairman of the board of KORD Inc., uses his electronic genius to fight crime as the Blue Beetle.
Power: He’s got none, but he does own a buttload of giant beetle-shaped gadgets and vehicles.
Why so lame: He’s a little too in love with his whole bizarre “Beetle” motif. It’s not as if beetles are extraordinary bugs or anything. Now, Crimson Caterpillar—that’s a name!

28. Green Lantern
Status: Member of the Justice League of America
Secret identity: Multiple; currently Kyle Rayner
Origin: One of over 3,000 members comprising the Corps, Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814 protects Earth, the surrounding cosmos, and the Diamond District.
Power: A ring that can create force fields, cast destructive beams, heal the wounded, and make the gals at the parlor positively green with envy.
Why so lame: His superpowers come from battery-powered jewelry. Most degradingly, he’s defenseless against the color yellow. If you should encounter the Lantern, shower him in spray butter. While he obsessive-compulsively polishes his ring, run.

27. Darkman
Status: Probably lurking somewhere—watch behind you!
Secret identity: Peyton Westlake
Origin: Hideously burned by gangsters who were ransacking his laboratory, Darkman lurks in the shadows, fighting injustice and changing his face more often than his underwear.
Power: Synthetic skin enables Darkman to assume different identities but only for brief amounts of time. He’s also—what’s the term? —totally fucking nuts.
Why so lame: A walking plastic surgery disaster? What kind of hero is that?!

26. The Phantom
Status: Former member of the Defenders of the Earth
Secret identity: Kit Walker
Origin: After witnessing his parents killed by pirates (arrrh!), the mysterious Phantom, um, shakes his fist and threatens bad guys from his jungle hideout.
Power: He’s got no powers to speak of. He is known, though, to carry handguns, and he sports a ring with a skull on it. He also wears purple tights. Or would that be “eggplant”?
Why so lame: A pair of six-shooters and a trusty steed are fine if you’re Clint Eastwood. But if you’re a hermit in a unitard, it sucks.

25. SHE-RA
Secret identity: Princess Adora
Origin: He-Man’s twin sister.
Power: She has superstrength, a flying pony, and ’roid-rage-fueled PMS.
Why so lame: When bad guys are hunky, she must remember to tape over her supernipples before getting into costume or they’ll slice through the fabric, traumatizing children.

Secret identity: Matt Murdock
Origin: Blinded by radioactive waste, Murdock swore to fight crime after goons murdered his boxer dad. Is also a lawyer.
Power: He has batlike radar sense that makes up for his lack of seeingness…sort of.
Why so lame: He’s. A. Blind. Superhero. What’s next? Quadriplegic Stone Deaf Man?

Secret identity: Billy Batson
Origin: A subway-dwelling wizard (yeah, sure, buddy) gave young Billy the ability to turn into an adult superhero.
Power: By saying “Shazam!”, Billy can fly and is invulnerable.
Why so lame: Is he a little boy who can become a grown man or vice versa? Either way you slice it, it’s icky.

Secret identity: Barry Allen
Origin: Simultaneously struck by lightning and doused with chemicals (What sign was this asshole born under?), Barry Allen became the fastest man alive—the Flash!
Power: He can run really fast. Also…no, wait, that’s it.
Why so lame: When a curb can defeat you, you’re lame.

Secret identity: Sue Storm
Origin: On a rocket designed by her future husband, Reed Richards, Sue took a radiation bath that gave her superpowers. Which is…super!
Power: She can turn invisible and set up force fields.
Why so lame: Now, Inaudible Woman is something we could all get behind…

Secret identities: Marc Spector, Steven Grant, Jake Lockley
Origin: Marc Spector gave up the soldier-of-fortune biz and invented several new identities, including Moon Knight.
Power: None.
Why so lame: What kind of “nocturnal avenger” wears all white? Why not just put blinking lights on your head, dork?

19. PUCK
Secret identity: Eugene Judd
Origin: Soldier of fortune (that’s original) Eugene fell victim to an evil spirit that transformed him into a beefy midget. D’oh!
Power: He’s very strong and can somersault ferociously.
Why so lame: He’s a midget in a leotard named for a chunk of rubber that gets slapped around by Canadians. Any questions?

Secret identity: Rex Tyler
Origin: Rex developed an addictive miracle drug named Miraclo (duh!), which gives a person momentary superpowers.
Power: Strength, near-invulnerability, and speed…for an hour.
Why so lame: His powers can be nullified by a traffic delay. When taken in the bedroom, he becomes 30-second Man.

Secret identity: Ted Sallis
Origin: A lab accident in a swamp turned biochemist Sallis into a lumbering heap of vegetation.
Power: Photosynthesis. His touch burns anyone who fears him. Looks pretty in the den, by the window.
Why so lame: He looks like something a vegan vomited up.

Secret identity: Jefferson Pierce
Origin: Jefferson acquired an electricity-generating superbelt to help him fight crime and dispense justice in the ghetto.
Power: Can generate electricity—enough to power a small black-and-white television for up to 20 minutes.
Why so lame: Judging by Black Lightning’s credentials (disco tights and funky belt), Bootsy Collins could be a superhero.

Secret identity: Princess Diana (no, not that one)
Origin: Chosen by the Amazons to serve as their crime-fighting champion in the world of Man.
Power: Superstrength, a pair of bullet-deflecting bracelets, and a gold lasso that makes people tell the truth. In other words, the girlfriend from hell.
Why so lame: PMS. See this star-spangled stripper in the parking lot, feeling around for her invisible jet? Back off.

Secret identity: Jennifer Walters
Origin: The Mob tried to rub out Jenny with a shower of bullets…Little did they know her cousin was Bruce “the Hulk” Banner. After an emergency green-blood transfusion, Jennifer became the She-Hulk.
Power: She has superstrength; can pulverize any johnson between her mighty she-labia.
Why so lame: Basically, she’s just a hot green chick. Yawn.

Secret identities: Ronny Raymond and Martin Stein
Origin: An accident fused the minds of student Ronny and professor Martin into one hero: Firestorm.
Power: He can fly and phase through solid objects.
Why so lame: Imagine trying to fight crime as a voice in your head corrects your grammar…

12. THOR
Secret identity: Donald Blake
Origin: The son of the Norse god Odin, Thor was punished for his arrogance and forced to assume the part-time identity of a crippled medical student.
Power: He has superstrength, flight, and a magic hammer; has amazing blond hair with body and bounce!
Why so lame: Any superhero who’d be played by Fabio should quit and start hitting the mead.

Secret identity: Oliver Queen
Origin: Stuck on a deserted island, Oliver taught himself the hunting skills that he’d later use to fight bad guys.
Power: He has incredible aim—also uses trick arrows that wear cute boxing gloves.
Why so lame: Archery skills were long ago left in the dust by more advanced weapons…like, oh, say, clubs.

Secret identity: Clark Kent
Origin: Kal-El, an orphan from the planet Krypton, was adopted by farmers the Kents.
Power: He can fly, and he possesses superstrength, invulnerability, X-ray vision, heat vision, freezing breath—and two clanking balls of steel.
Why so lame: He’s a cornfed, holier-than-thou Boy Scout with a lame disguise. C’mon!

Secret identity: Sting (um, we think)
Origin: Summoned when five multiethnic kids combined the power of their rings, Captain Planet helps thwart ecovillains.
Power: He can fly, and he sports a green mullet; weaknesses include littering, toxic waste. Can never enter New Jersey.
Why so lame: He’s Greenpeace’s own Superman!

Secret identity: Token Native American
Origin: Apache Chief was given his superabilities by his tribe’s medicine man.
Power: By saying a magic word, Apache Chief can grow 50 feet tall—but as his costume’s a loincloth, the view ain’t pretty.
Why so lame: Seems like more of a Mohegan Sun attraction than a superhero.

Secret identity: Lessee, there’s Yellowjacket, Ant-Man, Goliath…
Origin: After thugs murdered his wife, Pym assumed a number of different superhero identities, all pathetic.
Power: Can become big or little. Has Napoleon and reverse-Napoleon complexes.
Why so lame: One awful identity is bad enough, but Pym has struck out four different times.

Secret identity: Sean Cassidy
Origin: An Irish member of Interpol, Banshee actually got his start as a bad guy before Professor X sought him out to join the X-Men. Been fighting the good fight, downing Guinness, and pestering ’N Sync with his résumé ever since.
Power: His scream can shatter and destroy things, and he can fly. Banshee does not, however, have the gift of the blarney.
Why so lame: What? You mean besides the fact that he’s known to villains as Shrieks-Like-a-Girl Man? Couldn’t they come up with something better? Shillelagh Man would’ve been 10 times cooler.

Secret identity: Alison Blaire
Origin: Using her hush-hush abilities, Dazzler became a famous disco singer, but the mirrored ball stopped turning when a boyfriend persuaded her to reveal to the world that she was a despised mutant. Typical.
Power: She can convert sound into brilliant displays of light and color. “Ooh!” “Aah!”
Why so lame: OK, you’re a hardened crook, and what’s that in the distance? A shining chick in a silver jumpsuit on roller skates zooming to irritate your corneas! Dazzler should have gone down with the disco ship. Fun fact: Is the only hero ever to have been spotted at Studio 54.

Secret identity: Tenzil Kem
Origin: Matter-Eater Lad was born on the toxic planet Bismoll (no word on its companion star Pepto), where the locals evolved superguts that enabled them to eat any substance—even British food. Was allowed to join the Legion of Super-Heroes, who will apparently take just about anybody.
Power: Can consume any matter—animal, vegetable, or mineral. Is a big hit with the ladies.
Why so lame: Let’s say Matter-Eater Lad was trapped in a steel-reinforced concrete vault. He could eat his way out of it. But those bowel movements…

Secret identity: Stephen Strange
Origin: After a car accident impaired his abilities as a surgeon, Stephen Strange moved to N.Y.C.’s fabulous West Village, hired an Asian manservant, and became a…sorcerer.
Power: He wears the fashionable “Eye of Agamotto” necklace that can do all sorts of plot-convenient things, like open up dimensional gateways. Also has a Swedish-porn-star mustache.
Why so lame: Dr. Strange is Dr. Ka-ray-zee! Looks like he’d be comfortable in a kimono, sipping a martini before asking you to play strip Jenga with the rest of the hepcat swingers.

Secret identity: Arthur Curry
Origin: Aquaman was born to a mixed marriage: His father was an average Joe, and his mother was the deposed queen of an advanced underwater civilization. Devoted himself to crime fighting to avenge the death of his childhood sea monkeys or some shit. Currently playing comic relief for a number of different supergroups.
Power: He can breathe underwater, swim fast, and, best of all, communicate with fish. Plus, his fingers never, ever get wrinkly.
Why so lame: “I’m trapped in…frigging…tuna net again. Swordfish! Hear and obey! Stop laughing and cut me loose!”

Status: Sidekick
Secret identity: Dick Grayson
Origin: Dick watched helplessly as his circus acrobat parents got whacked by some Gotham City gangsters. (Hey, we just figured out why!) Adopted by Bruce Wayne/Batman and vowing revenge, he became the fearsome, um, Boy Wonder. Evil—snicker—better beware!
Power: He can swing from ropes, ride shotgun, tidy up the living room, and peek out from behind Batman’s cape.
Why so lame: Robin isn’t just lame—he’s hands-down the most embarrassing, useless, and completely ridiculous superhero ever. No powers, a femmy nickname, a figure-skater costume, and no actual responsibilities of his own. Why he wasn’t super-wedgied a long time ago is beyond us.

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Lap cheong

Since: 1.8.02
From: Huntington Beach, CA

Since last post: 2590 days
Last activity: 9 days
#2 Posted on
Woa... that list is seriously close to blaspheme on MANY levels. Green Lantern? Superman? Wonder Woman? The Flash? Aquaman??

Who ever wrote this has a serious grudge against the JLA...

They did a bad bad job on this, especially with such luminaries like the Whizzer and Power Pack :).

Still on the Shelf #9

Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA

Since last post: 331 days
Last activity: 16 days
#3 Posted on

    Originally posted by Pool-Boy
    They did a bad bad job on this, especially with such luminaries like the Whizzer and Power Pack :).

Don't...knock...POWER PACK!!
It's earliest incarnation was some really good storytelling. It just got stupid towards the end after all the power switching. It's just that there was no market for stories about kid superheroes that took themselves seriously. I say without shame that it was my favorite comic at the time. of course, I was like 10 or 11 so take that for what it's worth.

"And you've been so busy lately, that you haven't found the time,
To open up your mind,
And watch the world spinning, gently out of time."

Since: 11.7.02
From: MD

Since last post: 2544 days
Last activity: 998 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.29
I suppose the Hurricane and the Blue Blazer are OK by them...

(edited by Grimis on 22.5.03 1442)

These Democrats up in Texas — they may not be patriots, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.-Rep. Tom DeLay on the "fugitive" Texas Democrats
Big Bad

Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 15 hours
Last activity: 2 hours
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54
I can't believe Speedball didn't make the list.

I guess the writer hasn't read a Robin comic book in, oh, about ten years.

Over 1250 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day!

In the issues of December 16th, 2000 to November 10th, 2001, we may have given the impression that George W. Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologizes for any inconvenience.
--- The Economist, 11/17/01

Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 4308 days
Last activity: 563 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.00
30. Silver Surfer
And why would an alien space traveler have a surfboard anyway?

What, Earth's the only planet in the universe that has oceans and tides?

25. SHE-RA
Why so lame: When bad guys are hunky, she must remember to tape over her supernipples before getting into costume or they’ll slice through the fabric, traumatizing children.

I have no joke here, I just like saying "supernipples."

Does Terri have this problem?


Y'see, right there, they can blow me.

Why so lame: Judging by Black Lightning’s credentials (disco tights and funky belt), Bootsy Collins could be a superhero.

Wait -- he isn't?

Power: She has superstrength; can pulverize any johnson between her mighty she-labia.

But does she have supernipples?


Aw, DOUBLE blow me, Maxim...

"You may be wondering why I have been making so many references lately to Fox News. The reason is that it is now my cable news network of choice -- because if I’m going to watch the news and be lied to, I want it to be ridiculously obvious that I am being lied to." -- Center for an Informed America, Newsletter #34
Shem the Penman

Since: 16.1.02
From: The Off-Center of the Universe (aka Philadelphia)

Since last post: 1538 days
Last activity: 1337 days
#7 Posted on
*shakes head* Amateurs. Okay, some of these guys do belong on a list like this -- like Dazzler, Puck, and Matter-Eater Lad, and I admit Blue Beetle does too even though I have a sneaking affection for him. But jeez, I could do a better list than this without even having to dig out the comics for reference.

Where's Bouncing Boy? (Hell, some of the more obscure Legionnaires could fill half a list by themselves.) Doll Man? Battlin' Bantam? All the "New Blood" superheroes except for Hitman? Razorback? The Legion of Super-Pets?....

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water
Potato korv

Since: 27.2.03
From: Seattle, Washington

Since last post: 3419 days
Last activity: 23 days
#8 Posted on
"The Legion of Super-Pets"? Really?

Now, I admit, I haven't read a comic book in, oh, ten years or so, so I don't know half the names on that list. I'd imagine MAXIM was writing for the same audience, since they pretty much openly mock anyone that would write in to take offense to such a list. (Present company excluded, of course )

That said, I thought the list was pretty damn funny. And I haven't thought that about anything MAXIM's written in years.

"So you're Ben Affleck. You're sitting next to Jennifer Lopez, who's your fiancee, you're eating a eight-foot high sundae, and members of the Boston Red Sox are coming up to you and asking for autographs. If that's not heaven, what is?" - Tony Kornheiser, PTI
Scott Summets

Since: 27.6.02

Since last post: 5180 days
Last activity: 5149 days
#9 Posted on
Elongated Man? Batman's Bat-Dog? Slapstick? The Pantheon? LockJaw? Skin? Gorgon? Black Bolt (hell, any of the Inhumans), Karate Kid (if Bows are bad enough, how the hell is karate gonna help in the 30th century?)? Not that I don't like these characters, but aren't a lot of them much lamer than the ones Maxim chose (but also more obscure--there's the problem me thinks)

Rorschach: "None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me."

Since: 23.5.02
From: Nashville,TN

Since last post: 3150 days
Last activity: 2839 days
#10 Posted on
Well that list sucked......

And I guess I'm the only one who likes Dazzler.

But with this,like about everything MAXIM does, I can see the condesending nature of this. They went with all the "big" names probably to say if you know all these, you shouldn't be reading this magazine because you're a geek.

Super Shane Spear

Since: 2.1.02
From: Sector 7 Slums

Since last post: 2866 days
Last activity: 2866 days
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.08

I'm now joining Walmart in support against Maxim.

Green Lantern? Superman? Banshee? Fuck you Maxim.
J. Kyle

Since: 21.2.02
From: The Land of Aloha

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.56
X-E's co-Worst Poster of all time! says:

I can't believe I have to be the first person here to stick up for Man-Thing.


Seriously though... Thor? Flash? Doc Strange? Psssssh.

You can never have too many Whedon related threads. Not quite dead!
11/04/02 Bastard of the Day
(Still waiting for the Hyatte/Scotsman Feud)

Since: 12.1.02
From: BC, Canada

Since last post: 3327 days
Last activity: 2863 days
#13 Posted on
Ah, the Legion of Super-Pets! I love the Legion of Super-Heroes for two main reason 1)Their long and complex history coupled with some excellent storytelling and 2) The sheer amount of cheesy and silly stuff they produced.

Off the top of my head:
Yes, the Legion of Super Pets (featuring Beppo, the Super-Monkey, Comet, the Super-Horse and Streaky, the Super-Cat!)
The Legion of Substitute Heroes
Bouncing Boy
Dream Girl
Antenna Lad
Most of the rejects from the LSH tryouts (like Antenna Lad, Plaid Lad, Stone Boy, etc, etc.)

Are you ready for Mahkan-mania to run wild all over you?

I mark for Molly Holly and Lance Storm.

Since: 18.11.02
From: Strong Island

Since last post: 4947 days
Last activity: 4478 days
#14 Posted on
Well, may as well display my comic geekdom for all to see as well...

If this list had taken into account the storytelling that involved these characters, rather than just what they look like or silly origin stories that led to bad first impressions, most of these characters wouldn't have been on this list.

For example, Dazzler. Though a product of the then-waning (now thoroughly waned) disco craze, she eventually dropped the disco stuff and became an integral part of the X-Men.

Anyway, I found this list falling short of being amusing, but maybe that's because I know way too much about these characters.

What if your grandfather was a kazoo?

You are Wolverine!

Take the "Which Marvel Comics Hero are you" quiz!

The King of Keith
Lap cheong

Since: 4.11.02
From: Winchester, VA

Since last post: 1225 days
Last activity: 1224 days
#15 Posted on
Sure, they call out Supes, but they don't put Iron Fist in there? Come on!

Yes, I like HHH! What's so wrong with that?
Nate The Snake

Since: 9.1.02
From: Wichita, Ks

Since last post: 5023 days
Last activity: 4492 days
#16 Posted on
Okay, let's weigh in. ::dons the dork helmet::

Silver Surfer? Yeah, okay, a shiny naked man on a surfboard is kind of silly. Great writing, however, made up for it, and the mere existence of DC's insane rip-off The Scarlet Skier disqualifies my personal favorite comic book character.

Matter-Eater Lad, however, I completely agree with. It was one thing when New Mutants had Cypher, a super-hero who could... speak any language. It was a neat idea that not ALL mutants could, like, bench-press sperm whales or whatever. Plus, Cypher never really pretended to be a hero, he hid behind Warlock and died.

But how the hell does a kid who can eat anything get a job as a super-hero? If you need him to save your planet, you might as well just give it up.

Oh, and I hate to say it, but they're kinda right about Supes. I mean, c'mon. He wears glasses and combs his hair kinda different. Ambush Bug figured him out, and he's friggin' bonkers. Metropolis must be populated by "special" people.

Kansas-born and deeply ashamed
The last living La Parka Marka

"They that can give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
Big Bad

Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 15 hours
Last activity: 2 hours
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54
How is Superman considered a 'lame' superhero? He's the prototype! Plus, he could whip anyone on this list.

Over 1250 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day!

In the issues of December 16th, 2000 to November 10th, 2001, we may have given the impression that George W. Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologizes for any inconvenience.
--- The Economist, 11/17/01

Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 9 days
Last activity: 11 hours
#18 Posted on
Remember that this is mostly meants as a comedy list folks.
And yes, no matter how awesome some super heroes might be in your book, or how good the writing is..think about it.
A guy that consists out of a swamp..
A guy that talks to fish..
A guy that can run really fast..
A kid turning into a grown man and back..

Perfect to raise yoru eyebrow at and ridicule..
Amd ofcoruse there are better examples, but if they came up with some guy who i had enver heard of i would shrug, while if they make fun of heroes i know i might be interested in the article

funny coincidence though that this morning we mentioned superheroes at work and i laughed at the thought of Ant-Man..bwawhahahaha..

*sigh* Why bother?

Since: 23.5.03

Since last post: 5445 days
Last activity: 5445 days
#19 Posted on
    Originally posted by Big Bad
    I can't believe Speedball didn't make the list.

    I guess the writer hasn't read a Robin comic book in, oh, about ten years.

Actually, reading it I'd say the writer hasn't read any comic books in about, say, 20 years.

(Actually... If Green Arrow made it in there how the hell did Hawkeye not make it?)

(edited by g026r on 23.5.03 0522)

Since: 26.7.02
From: Sioux Falls, SD

Since last post: 5425 days
Last activity: 5259 days
#20 Posted on
I wouldn't have had a problem with this article if it was actually funny. I'm more than willing to laugh at my own geekiness. That being said, Thor is NOT lame!


"Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave."
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