WCW Prime – always my favourite, most relaxing time of the week. Jobberific! This was somehow missed last week in the hectic world of my Real Life, but we’ll get you all caught up on this, and the May 20th edition … NOW!
MAY 13, 1996
Johnny B Badd carries such a presence he just won’t go away.
DUSTY RHODES and CHRIS CRUISE have a lot of matches; many of which are tag-team matches. Ugh. Look, I love a strong tag-team division, but I guarantee this means Public Enemy, Barrios, Nastys, and probably VK Wallstreet and Bubber.
THE ROAD WARRIORS vs. MAXX MUSCLE and BUDDY VALENTINE
This is, ummm, an interesting pairing. On one hand you have an obvious body builder in Maxx Muscle, jacked to the gills. On the other hand, you have Buddy Valentine who once saw the inside of a gym during his 4th period physical education class, but only because he had to hand his teacher his doctor’s exemption. Muscle and Hawk have a test of strength, ridiculously won by Hawk. Valentine is slammed by Animal, and finished with the top rope clothesline from Hawk at 2:15. 1/2*
THE STATE PATROL vs. BUNKHOUSE BUCK and “DIRTY” DICK SLATER (with Colonel Robert Parker)
Showing you how far the former champs have fallen, Dusty actually believes that State Patrol has a half chance in hell of winning this match. Dusty’s usually under no illusions of what he’s watching either, so I’m actually buying into this. Slater misses an elbowdrop, while the fans chant “UGLY” at Buck. Parker outwrestles Slater on the mat, but Slater lures him to the corner where Team Deliverance makes him squeal like a pig. Buck drags Parker to the wrong corner like a rookie, and State Patrol double team him. Slater tries to get involved, but is dumped over the top rope. Earl rides Buck in the kind of position you’d never want to have the man down, and tags in his partner. Parker slams Buck and heads up with an elbowdrop for 2. Slater tags in, and is promptly clotheslined by Earl. The Stud Stable fires back with a double punch to the face, and a melee erupts with plenty o clubberin’! Big boot from Buck, and legdrop from Slater gets the pin on Earl at 6:17. That’s an iron man match on THIS show. *1/2
THE NASTY BOYS vs. THE BARRIO BROTHERS
The fans chant for “NASTY” because that’s what the producer is holding on her cue-card to do. Knobbs slams Ricky head first to the buckle on more than one occasion – not cool in our new concussion conscious world, man. Not cool at all. A double Nasty shoulder sends him crashing to the floor, but after some careful consideration, Ricky returns to the ring to pursue some clubberin’ against Saggs. That doesn’t go well. Ricky takes off, and Saggs stupidly follows right into the meaty, waiting axehandle of Fidel. That gives the Barrios the advantage for no fewer than 18 seconds before Saggs smacks Fidel with an elbow to the back of the head. Knobbs gets the hot tag, and through the panting and waddling, he musters up the energy to drop an elbow on Ricky for 2. Fidel karate chops his partner, although he SWEARS it’s an accident I don’t believe him since this seems to be a weekly theme, and a big fat splash from Knobbs finishes this at 3:58. 1/2*
Look, if my WORLD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE because some portal opened up and blew ice all over the place causing BLOOD TO RUN COLD and COME TO WCW, then I wish it would get a move on rather than making the same threat week after week. Cruise references it as a “Glacier Thing”, so maybe the dinosaurs are making a comeback?
ONE MAN GANG vs. BART SAWYER
Vegas has the over/under on this set at 75 seconds, and the odds on Sawyer are roughly 500:1. Hot tip for you gamblers out there; don’t bet on Sawyer until the line moves another 200 points. Avalanche sets up the 747 at 1:52. Gang screams “DUNGEON OF DOOM ROOOOOLES … GIANT, I’M LOOKING FOR YOOOOUUUUU!” I’d prefer they not wrestle. DUD
VK WALLSTREET and BIG BUBBER vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN and SGT. CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long) (in the Moo Match of the Week)
I’m going to admit some serious discomfort in noting there’s still about 11 minutes left in the show, so I hope to hell there’s still another commercial break and PPV shill time, because while I would hate to sound biased – I guarantee no matter how long you give these guys, they won’t crack two snowflakes. In fact, the longer this goes, the angrier I’ll get, so just tape the goddamn fist and get it over with please. I asked nicely. Alas, Pittman needs his ring time with Bubba, hitting him in the “belly welly” for 2. Duggan raises his fist in victory because he’s still learning to count, but 2 is 2, and the match sadly continues. Duggan tags in, punches Wallstreet a few times, and turns around to yell “GET OFF MY BACK” at the referee who’s actually on the other side of the ring. Bubba avalanches Pittman, and follows with an elbow that serves to hurt Bubba because of Pittman’s hard head. Nonetheless, Pittman has no actual moves he can perform, and all Duggan knows how to do is yell “USA”, so poor Bubba is forced to pick up the slack with a splash for 2. Wallstreet comes in to work over Pittman, so Craig dives for a hot tag that the referee misses. Duggan’s so upset over being told he can’t come in the ring, he shouts “USA” in protest. Seriously, make this stop. Pittman sunset flips Wallstreet, and tries for the tag, but Bubba cuts him off, and Duggan spins around in circles. I swear to Christ I’m not making this up. Duggan finally just grabs his 2x4 and gets DQed at 6:47 because he’s a poor sport, and a worse wrestler. 1/2*
Final hype for Slamboree, but we already saw that, so let’s get to the next edition.
MAY 20, 1996
JIM DUGGAN vs. BIG BUBBER
F*#@*$%!!!!!! How in the hell am I stuck with a copy of this god forsaken show that is joined in progress with THESE two clowns AGAIN?!? Why of COURSE I forgot to recap last week’s show so I’d get this back to back. What’s next, Pittman vs. Wallstreet? Duggan in every match? Bubba joining the Four Horsemen? Dusty’s singing “does your bubblegum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight” because nobody’s actually watching this, and thus, he can. Duggan slams Bubba, which sets up the 3 point stance, but VK WALLSTREET runs in for the DQ at 1:14 of what I saw aired. And you KNOW this draws out CRAIG PITTMAN and TEDDY LONG because OF COURSE IT DOES. The ringing of the bell matches the ringing of my head, though unlike my eyes, the turnbuckles aren’t spurting blood. DUD
THE ROAD WARRIORS vs. MANNY FERNANDEZ and BILL PAYNE
I usually love this show, but this string of matches is feeling like it was shot out of the loins of Satan, spewing his evil seed all over my laptop screen. Fans chant for Animal, who throws Fernandez back on his head, and he crumples like a soda can in a car compactor. Cruise declares the Road Warriors will dominate into the New Millennium, as Hawk drops Payne on his face. After a period of time that feels longer than the Wrestlemania 12 main event, Animal pancakes Payne for the pin at 2:57. 1/2*
GOLDBERG PAT TANAKA vs. KONAN (in a non-title match)
A Konnan sighting? On free TV? Must be a slow week in Mexico. Konnan hits a side Russian legsweep, and rolls into a grapevine submission. Tanaka is saved by the ropes. A standing bow and arrow is moved into a figure four sleeper. Tanaka pries loose and rakes the eyes. Tanaka is hiptossed, and run over with a lariat. Spinning heel kick sets up Splash Mountain, and Konnan gets the pin at 2:16. Tanaka was clearly missing something here. Had he donned a mask and called himself “El Gato” I suspect not only would this have been a title match, but he might have gotten a few more minutes out of it. *
HUGH MORRUS vs. STING
Now here’s something I can into, as long as Sting’s feeling it too. Morrus powers Sting back to the ropes, releases fairly, and then headbutts him in the chest. Sting comes back with a pretty impressive scoop slam, and dropkicks the big man to the floor. Nick Patrick asks Sting to keep it in the ring, and Sting’s cool with the fair play. Fans, AND Hugh Morrus clap and chant “LET’S GO STING”. Morrus then turns angry, runs over Sting, and resumes his laughing. An avalanche is missed, but that doesn’t deter Morrus who slams Sting, and heads up. No Laughing Matter misses, and Sting hits a pair of Stinger Splashes. Deathlock finishes seconds later at 4:39. *1/2
THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS vs. THE FACES OF FEAR
This should be easy work for the current #2 contender to the World Heavyweight title, Barbarian. Cruise acknowledges the Faces as “two guys you wouldn’t want to mess with”, but I’d include Spike Dudley on the list of people Cruise “shouldn’t mess with”. The Fear beat Steve Armstrong half to death, and this is all kinds of fun to watch. Scott comes in, and throws a punch at Meng, that he sells as “awww cute”, and promptly beats the crap out of him. Barbarian slams Scott high above his head, but Scott pops up and applies a sleeper. Meng saves, and all hell breaks loose – by which I mean, the Faces of Fear beat on both Armstrongs together. Atomic drop from Meng sets up the Kick of Fear for the win at 2:36. *****
THE BLUE BLOODS (with Steven Regal) vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY (in the Moo Match of the Week)
Regal takes great offense to throwing ones hands in the air, and isn’t afraid to voice it. If this keeps up, he might write a sternly worded letter. Fans chant USA, but Regal does his best to quiet them. Dave Taylor throws a European Uppercut, and all is well with the world! Then, yes, Johnny Grunge comes in and HE takes TWO MORE European Uppercuts!! Is there no END to this man’s talent? TPE does stuff for a minute, but it doesn’t matter, because Taylor hits Grunge with another European Uppercut. If he hits 3 more, he’ll set a World Record! Rock accidentally hits Grunge with the Drive By, Taylor goes for a suplex, could we have an upset … NO, Grunge clips him and Rock gets the pin at 3:04. Cruise hilariously buries Enemy by stating “The Blue Bloods want a title shot, but they won’t get one losing to teams like Public Enemy.” It honestly came across the same way you’d talk about someone losing to the Barrio Brothers. I’m not opposed to Honest Chris Cruise. Oh yes, that sucked. DUD
Dusty can’t wait to eat some meat on the grill and see the Great American Bash. I just hope it’s not that rancid WCW meat from the promo.
NB: Faces of Fear and Armstrongs was really only 1/2* - but by god it felt like a five star affair.
Boffo, I can't believe you don't recognize Stevie Ray, you Cheez Whiz-suckin' fruit booty! (P.S. No offense meant. The Cheez Whiz sucking fruit booty line was actually one of Stevie Ray's premiere catchphrases).