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The W - Guest Columns - LotR Satire: The Titan Tower (Part 3 of 5)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

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The Lord of the Reign
The Titan Tower


Volume II, Chapter Five
“In Which Bret Hart Talks to Himself for an Hour”


Flair, Tazz, Jericho, Heyman and Orton look on as Stacy hands Snickers Crunchers to Haas and Jackie.
Stacy: It’s, like, totally awful that RAW is killing Smackdown in all these cities. Next thing you’ll know we’ll be cancelled.
Jackie: So where’s Dawn?
Stacy: Oh, she’s probably dead.


Flair: Triple H is a cerebral assassin. He knows exactly what he’s doing. We’ve got to surprise him. Have some of our guys show up on RAW and attack Maven or something. That’ll show him! WOO!
Jericho: We could probably get some other guys together. Cena’s out there right now looking for his chain gang. He’d probably come back.
Heyman: Nah. To tell you the truth, I can’t afford to pay Cena right now anyway. Besides, even with him, we’d still lose, and I don’t want to have to fire them all again. Smackdown is doomed to be replaced by Rollerjam.
Jericho: With an attitude like that it’s no wonder you got run off TNN.
Heyman: Who’s the General Manager here? Huh? I look around and I don’t see one door marked “Chris Jericho - Smackdown GM” but, hey look, here’s one that says “Paul Heyman - Smackdown GM”.
Tazz: And one that says Stephanie, one that says Michael Cole, one that says Kurt Angle, one that says David Arque-
Heyman: The doors say a lot of things. But none of them, none says “Chris Jericho.”
Flair: Then, what are you going to do?
Later that day, outside….

London: Uh, it’s time to go to the next show, guys. Las Vegas, baby! Yay! Right?

Various puzzled production people and interns stare at London.

London: Hey, look. I know I’m the only guy left, but I’ve really got to make the most of this. It’s pretty much the closest I’ll ever get to being World Champion. Hell, I’ve gotta be the de facto champ as it is right? Load up the ring and the set and everything else, and let’s go!
Tazz: Oh, man, Cole. I can’t believe this! We’re actually going to Las Vegas, brotha! We’ve only got one superstar, and it’s Paul London. We’re never gonna win this war.
Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside!
Tazz: Actually, Cole, we’re standing outside the arena.
Cole: Michael Cole and Tazz at ring-
Tazz: Yeah, yeah.
Jericho: Heyman’s just trying to press on despite overwhelming odds. It’s all he can do. Good on him for that, I guess.
Cole: I dress myself now, mom!
Flair: Vegas, baby! Time to style, WOO, and profile. But it’s really too bad. There’s no getting out of Vegas for Smackdown. Heyman’s leading them too close to WrestleMania, it’s the perfect opportunity for Triple H to destroy him once and for all.
Jericho: A few superstars have agreed to meet us there-
London: Really? Aw, dammit.
Jericho: -maybe it’ll be enough to save the show.
Flair: Oh, I doubt it. But I have an idea. I’m going to leave all this up to you. Watch the clock, Chris.
Jericho: Orton’s? Or one that shows the correct time?
Orton: It’s forty-eleven!-
Cole: -at ringside!
Flair: The ring clock. When it comes up to 30, I’ll enter with my mystery, WOO, By God partner, and we’ll clean the floor with them. Watch the entrance ramp.
Jericho: I will.
Cole & Orton: I’m a big kid now!

Flair hops into his white limo and drives off, leaving Jericho to stare off into the distance, wondering what the hell Flair was babbling about. Later that day, Stacy Keibler is practicing her spin kicks. Jericho blocks one that gets a little too close.

Jericho: Hey! Look at you! You’re almost learning how to wrestle.
Stacy: I know, isn’t it risky of me? If I get caught learning to wrestle, they’d probably fire me. But I figure if RAW ever attacks, I’d better at least have a spin kick to defend myself.
Jericho: Yeah, I guess that makes some kind of sense.
Stacy: But at the end of the day. I’m just a Diva. If you need me, I’ll be dancing in that cage in the background.
Jericho: Yeah, hey, weren’t you one of the Nitro Girls? That’ll be good for you.

Eric Bischoff, meanwhile, is joining up with Triple H at RAW in Oklahoma.

Bischoff: Hunter! Hey! Hey! I’m back, man. No, need… uh… no need to welcome me. Listen, Heyman has the Smackdown staff and a few of the guys headed for Vegas. They’re going to try to hole up there and use the tourists to keep them alive while they ride out the RAW dominance. But really, all they’ve got is Paul London and some producers right now. Maybe a catering crew and some make up ladies.
Triple H: Billy!
Billy Gunn: Yes?
Triple H: I want the DX Army to mount up. Send them out after the Smackdown personnel.
Gunn: That’s probably not going to be enough people, Hunter. It’s just me, Road Dogg and X-Pac.
Triple H: Just pick up some jobbers and make them unofficial members or something. Get Justin Credible or spraypaint a stranger green and put oil in his hair. Do I have to do everything for you people?

Elsewhere, Benoit, Dreamer and the Hitman are walking straight north.

Dreamer: Oh great. Yeah. Tell us when we get to Canadian customs so I can get out my birth certificate.
Benoit: Knock it off, Tommy.
Dreamer: What?
Benoit: He knows where he’s going. Quit bothering him about it.
Dreamer: Christ. Listen to yourself, Benoit. We’re going north, and last time I checked California is west. The only thing Bret cares about is the title, and if he ever gets it in Canada, he’ll never give it up. Ever.
Benoit: Hey, you’ve got no idea of what he’s gone through in his career. The Montreal screw job, Owen dying, Stu and Helen dying-
Dreamer: Air being breathable, tuna being fish, that’s life, Chris. The both of you should just get over it.
Benoit: I think I can turn him, Tommy.
Dreamer: And I think I can eat a sandwich the size of Denmark and beat someone outside a hardcore match, for a title. But we’re both probably just stupid.
Benoit: Oh, whatever. You don’t know what you’re talking aboot.
Dreamer: I know what’s got you all wound up, it’s the title. You’re getting full of yourself and your opinions. Soon you’re going to be putting yourself over up and coming superstars and cutting 30-minute promos.
Benoit: Oh, shove it, Dreamer-
Dreamer: Okay, 6-minute promos-
Benoit: I’ve got this big quest here. I’ve got to save the industry and waltz right into WrestleMania and throw the title in the trash. I’m the only guy to be champion right now. What would you know?
Dreamer: I was ECW Champion once you know. For, like, two minutes.
Benoit: Pfft.
Dreamer: Hey!

That night, Tommy and Benoit doze in their tent, while Bret sits on a rock and stares off into the distance.

Hitman: How’s it goin’?
Bret: Oh, gee, I’m surprised you’re even talking to me after all this time.
Hitman: Wow, this concussion thing really messed me up, didn’t it?
Bret: Well, apparently, stupid. Normal people don’t sit on rocks and talk to themselves.
Hitman: I just wanted to let you know, I’m going to help Benoit.
Bret: Oh come on, Bret, listen to yourself.
Hitman: No, no. You listen, mister. Benoit’s a good kid, and this is the right thing.
Bret: Just like it was the right thing to drop the title to Michaels on PPV before we left for WCW?
Hitman: That was different.
Bret: No. No different. Only different in your mind.
Hitman: And your point being? This is my mind.
Bret: Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s just- aren’t you just the teensiest bit interested in being champion again.
Hitman: Well-
Bret: Think of the DVD sales!
Hitman: No! No! You’re bad for the business.
Bret: Come on.
Hitman: I cast thee out!
Bret: I can’t believe this.
Hitman: I CAST THEE OUT!

The Hitman falls off the rock.

Hitman: Man, I really didn’t need that last rum and coke. But at least I got all that out of my system. Right?
Bret: Right.
Hitman: Hey! Okay. Good. Time for bed.

The next day, Dreamer is cooking breakfast while Hitman lies huddled in a corner.

Benoit: Are you alright, Hitman?
Hitman: I’m waaaaaay hungover, Chris. Way. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. Auugggggghhh.
Benoit: Yeah, you were up all damn night yelling at yourself.
Hitman: Yeah. I sure was. I got kinda loaded, so I hit the 7-11. I only wanted to get a pressed Cuban sandwich, but I realized there was about 5 minutes to go before Beer O’clock, so I got an extra sixer on the off chance you guys woke up and wanted some. But you were knocked out, so drank the six of Molson myself, ‘cause it’d be warm by morning. Then I realized I was still hungry, so I went back by the 7-11 and got some Funyuns and Pemmican. Those were awesome. I think I fell down once, because I got this big-ass bruise on my right arm. Anyway, I also picked us up about two Gatorades for each of us, and a newspaper if you guys want to do some crosswords on the crapper.
Dreamer: Dude, how much did that set you back?
Hitman: Don’t worry about it. I put it on my card. You guys can get me back later. Oh, man, I almost forgot: I bought us all these microwavable burritos. We’ve gotta eat these, because my head feels like there were trucks in there last night. Here, eat. But I dibs the shredded beef one.
Dreamer: Don’t you want to cook them in our WWE Brand Solar Powered Microwaves first?
Hitman: MICROWAVED Microwavable burritos? Oh, God, I’ll puke.
Benoit: You’re just going to eat them cold?
Dreamer: Without any churros on the side?
Hitman: Churros… are you trying to make me blow?
Dreamer: Dude, you’re gross.
Benoit: I’m with Tommy on this one.
Hitman: Fine, fine. Cook the bastards. When the clerk wasn’t looking I stole this bottle of Boone’s anyway. Gimme a minute to get straight. Hair o’ the dog. That’ll set me up.

Hitman starts taking huge plugs out of the bottle of Boone’s. He let’s Dreamer zap the burritos, and they swap sections of the morning paper. Just as the morning’s repast is winding down and each is thoughtfully sipping on Gatorade (orange - the only choice), Benoit hears something.

Benoit: Hey, what’s that music?
Hitman: Huh? Oh. that. It’s the goddamn theme from DX. They’re getting ready. And goddamn, that’s loud.
Benoit: Getting ready to do what?
Dreamer: Getting ready to Suuuuuuuck Iiiiiiiiiit!
Hitman: That’s not funny you know.
Benoit: So the RAW v. Smackdown war has begun. Signaled by the return of the nWo and DX.
Dreamer: Woah! Would you look at that? Abyss. Nobody will believe this.
Benoit: Why not?
Dreamer: I mean… it’s a little weird isn’t it? Abyss on RAW?
Benoit: Nah, this is about the time they’ll start raiding TNA for guys.
Dreamer: Oh. Yeah. What a downer you are.
Benoit: Geez, sorry. Hey, where’s the Hitman?

Benoit and Dreamer spin and run right into a raised chair. They are soon handcuffed.

Edge: What have we here?

On the way to Las Vegas, The 33% Society leads the producers and jobbers ahead.

Tazz: No, there have been female announcers. Really, there have. But did you hear Lita or Jackie? Sucked, brotha, let me tell you. So it’s not really common.
Jericho: You’re holding them down, Tazz.
Tazz: Listen, brotha, it’s not easy being an announcer. Sure every metrosexual or guy in a funny hat is given a job, but to be a real announcer, an announcer like Tazz, I-

Tazz falls off his ATV. It keeps on rolling away.

Tazz: Uh… somebody wanna go get my ATV for me?

Later that night, Jericho falls asleep. Big poofy clouds surround the scene as Trish Stratus straddles him.

Jericho: Oh, man. I must be dreaming.
Trish: Why? You can’t believe I’m all up on you?
Jericho: No, I’ve never been on poofy clouds before, and I sure as hell wasn’t a few seconds ago when I lay on the dirt to go to sleep.
Trish: That sucks. Yeah. Hey, so when are you going to win the WWE Title?
Jericho: Never. Don’t you pay any attention?
Trish: You totally deserve it.
Jericho: Tell that to the people who matter.
Trish: Are you saying I don’t matter?
Jericho: No, that’s not what I meant. I-
Trish: Because, if I don’t matter, I guess I could-
Jericho: Hey, isn’t this still sort of my dream?
Trish: Oh, yeah. Sorry, we’re talking, but we might just be in your head. Plus, even if this were real, it wouldn’t be a real depiction of an equal relationship, you big burning hunk of man. See, I’m all girly and winsome now!
Jericho: Poofy clouds… girl… mmm. I miss you, Trish.
Trish: You’ll win it again. Some day. Some day.

Jericho wakes up and hops back on his ATV - only slightly spraining his crotch in the process. The Smackdown crew awakes and continues to ride on. Stacy pulls up along side him.

Stacy: Nice cleavage pendant, who gave you that.
Jericho: Obviously not you.
Stacy: Mine is an Ass pendant.
Jericho: Here comes the mist.

Mist fills the road causing several drivers to crash into each other. Jericho now stands in a luxury box, looking over the ring while Trish practices her T-Shirt gun shooting. Shane McMahon approaches.

Shane: This is what she’s reduced to?
Jericho: You’re blaming me? She started it.
Shane: Let her go west to the East. They won’t remember her retirement there. She can have a fresh start.
Jericho: She stays because she thinks she can help.
Shane: Help whom? You? Do you really need a valet?
Jericho: Does a valet mean having credibility again?
Shane: No. I was once a valet, and I almost died fighting real wrestlers.
Jericho: I remember fighting real wrestlers.
Shane: You have a long memory.

Jericho hops over the windowsill and walks down to the ring, to speak to Trish.

Jericho: Go. Go to Japan. You can wrestle the Joshi women.
Trish: What? Why do you want me to leave all of a sudden?
Jericho: I don’t want you to get dragged down by being in any more of my crappy storylines. Here’s your pendant back.
Trish: Keep it. I have, like, 400 more.

The mist clears.

Stacy: What the heck was that about?
Jericho: She’s on her way to Japan right now.
London: Does anybody else hear the DX theme?
Theodore Long: I sure do, Playa. Buhleedat!

X-Pac flies off a cliff above them and nails London with the X-Factor. He’s about to tell Teddy to “Suck It” when he’s nailed by an RKO out of nowhere from Orton.

Orton: I can’t believe I let that greasy hair touch me. What was I thinking?
Tazz: Shut up. You’re just more moisturized and sunblocked.
Orton: SPF to Orton!!!!
Heyman: What’s going on here?

Orton picks up X-Pac….

Orton: Look, sir, droids. Hahahaha…. I’ve always wanted to say that. But seriously… I don’t know. What are droids? Hunter tried to get me to take some, but I said no way. I’m not gay!
Jericho: That’s X-Pac. DX is on the way!
Heyman: Anybody who can throw a punch, go up front, get your clotheslines ready!
Tazz: I’m gonna suplex somebody’s teeth out, brotha!
Heyman: Stacy, keep on going to Vegas, we’ll head DX off.
Stacy: But I can kick!
Heyman: Sure you can. Sure you can.
Stacy: Whatever! Ok, come on, stupid people, let’s go to Vegas. I’ve, like, totally got a friend that works at the Luxor. We can stay there.

The Smackdown Ring Crew along with Long, Heyman, Jericho, Tazz, Orton and a few scattered roadies ride head on to meet DX in combat. Tazz reaches out to suplex Road Dogg, but his arms are too stubby, and by the time he gets there Orton has already hit the RKO.

Tazz: Goddammit, let me suplex somebody!

The fight rages on as the DX rejects and Smackdown roadies seem to be pretty evenly matched in terms of how much they suck. Tazz attempts to suplex Viscera, but gets trapped underneath him after Orton flies above and hits an RKO out of nowhere. As things are wrapping up and Smackdown is winning, Jericho’s ponytail gets caught in Justin Credible’s motor scooter, and the scooter pulls Jericho over a cliff and into the Colorado River.

Orton: That was AWESOME! Did everybody see how great I was?
Tazz: Oh, I saw it all right, brotha.
Orton: Hey, where’s Jericho? I wonder if he saw it?
Tazz: Chris? CHRIS?

Orton picks up Justin Credible’s body and swipes the cleavage pendant.

Orton: Hey! You’re ugly. You don’t even have a clompass. (he bonks Credible on the head with his clock necklass) I can tell what time it is. It’s North!
Tazz: Tell me where Jericho is, Justin, or so help me I’ll choke your ass the hell out, brotha!
Credible: I’m already dying, Tazz. He fell off that cliff, now his body is floating down the river.
Tazz: Damn.
Credible: And that’s not just the coolest-
Orton: Back to the group then. That’s where snacks are found.
Credible: That’s not just the best.
Tazz: To Vegas!
Credible: That’s Just… Incredible.
Heyman: Justin, I know this is a bad time. But, what the hell? Can I have a dollar?

Justin Credible has fallen. Heyman picks his pocket.

Volume II, Chapter Six
“In Which the WWE Prepares for a Royal Rumble”

Stacy and the rest of the Smackdown staff meet up with the cast of unbelievably lame Smackdown “Superstars” that agreed to join them at the Luxor.

Sable: This is what we got? I’m going to go get fired again.
Stacy: Have fun hanging out with Johnny B. Badd!
Haas: Dawn!

Haas and Dawn Marie make out for a few minutes while everyone looks away uncomfortably.

Jackie: CHARLIE!
Haas: Oh snap! Hey, look! Everybody’s back!

The remains of the ring crew and roadies that stayed to fight DX file into the lobby.

Stacy: Hi, Paul E. Wow, you guys got your asses kicked.
Tazz: Brotha, I gotta tell you something. We lost Chris Jericho.
Stacy: (sniffling) He… he died?
Tazz: No, no. We just can’t find him. Bahahahaha… I’m just kidding.
Stacy: So he’s ok?
Tazz: Hahahaha, got ya again. He’s dead.
Stacy: No, really?
Tazz: Okay, Stacy, lemme make this easy for you to understand. My friend Joey Numbers always had this joke. “Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?”
Stacy: I don’t know. Why?
Tazz: “‘Cause it was DEAD!” Ah, hahahahaha!
Stacy: So you’re saying Jericho killed a monkey?
Tazz: Uh, no.
Stacy: So maybe he and a monkey got lost?
Tazz: Uh… okay. Stacy….
Stacy: Yes?
Tazz: Jericho was eaten by a monkey. Then someone dropped a bomb on the monkey, and it blew up. Then someone cut that part of the earth away from America, and it drifted off and sunk into the ocean, where someone blew it up again. When it was done blowing up, it blew up again. Then a Space Monkey ate it and blew up. Jericho’s dead.
Stacy: Noooooo! Would my spin-kick have helped?
Heyman: Only if the ocean was a washing machine. Okay. Let’s get focused. Mount up the troops and have them watching the Strip. We’ll see them coming!
Theodore: What about the producers and women, playa? Don’t haterize.
Heyman: Put them in the hotel. Triple H would be an idiot to attack us in Vegas.

Elsewhere….

Bischoff: Are they kidding? It’s totally going to be easy to attack them in Vegas. First, there’s an old monorail line going from the Excalibur to the Luxor. Get it running and we’ll be inside the friggin’ hotel. But I don’t know how one gets a monorail going.
Triple H: Simple. A train.
Bischoff: No, no. That joke got used once already.
Triple H: Damn. Okay, I’ve got nothing then. Maybe Dave can cook something up.
Bischoff: Your hopes lie in the planning power of Batista?
Triple H: Yeah. I admit, that’s pretty messed up right there.
Bischoff: He used to live in a swamp.
Triple H: I know, I know. Now shut up.

Triple H lights a pyro, and Booker T dances out.

Triple H: Booker, it’s a NEW DAY for the WWE. Get the troops together, and march them out to Vegas. No gambling, no hookers. It’s time for a Royal Rumble with Smackdown.
Booker: I dig it.
Triple H: Remember when I said “your people” couldn’t win?
Booker: You damn skippy, hippie!
Triple H: I didn’t mean that as a black thing. I meant that as a “you not being me thing.”
Booker: That makes it all better.
Triple H: But now that you’re with us, the future is open. In another seven or eight years, you will have a number-one contender’s match to vie for my belt.
Booker: I can dig that… SUCKAAAAAAAAA!
Triple H: Yes! Yesssss! Indeed, as you say, “sucker.”

In the forest….

Regal: It’s not that I don’t want to believe you, chaps, it’s just that I don’t.
Chavo: Look over there, holmes! Pyro.
Regal: It’s a RAW show. There’s always that obnoxious pyro.
Chavo: RAW, huh?
Regal: There was a time once, long ago, when Triple H used to hang out with us technical wrestlers, use all sorts of neat moves. He was a really good wrestler there for a while. Then he got it on with the boss’ daughter, got all that booking power, and now all he does is brawl. Bugger him anyway.
Eddie: See that? It’s the nWo, esse. Hunter’s going to war, holmes.
Chavo: Damn.

Meanwhile, the Colorado river spits Jericho out, and Trish Stratus catches him as he hits the reservoir below.

Jericho: Ow! Are you my mother?
Trish: Shh… I’m imaginary.
Jericho: What? Where are the poofy clouds? Why am I imagining you right now?
Trish: Probably because being nearly drowned knocked the crap out of you.
Jericho: Where am I?
Trish: Based on our surroundings, I’m guessing we’re in the Grand Canyon, but I can’t tell you anything you can’t figure out for your self, because, once again, I’m imaginary.
Jericho: Hot damn. Take off your top.
Trish: Your imagination isn’t that good. Think of having a belt and credibility.
Jericho: My imagination isn’t that good, either. How about the belt, and you topless?
Trish: Your imagination time has run out. Please deposit 25 cents.
Jericho: I bet the uppercard guys don’t have to nickel and dime ImagiNudity.
Jeff Hardy: Did you say “Imagi”?
Jericho: Piss off! Now I know I hit my head.
Jeff Hardy: I could read you some of my emoetry.
Jericho: Ugggh. I’m gonna be sick.

Elsewhere, Shane McMahon stands in Seattle where Trish Stratus is preparing to leave Velocity forever.

Shane: Trish, you’ve really got to go to Japan. It’s a complete waste of time for you to stay. I mean, what’s keeping you here? Jericho? You know very well what’s going to happen to Jericho. He’s going to claw his way back up to the top of the card, and then he’s going to get his ass Pedigreed straight back down. Then he’ll retire and the two of you will get into a huge drunken bar brawl. I’m just saving you a lot of grief, here. You don’t want to associate with a guy like that. Go shack up with TAKA and wrestle, baby girl. That’s what you’re good at.
Trish: Maybe you’re right.
Shane: Of course I am. Now go. Booyah!
Trish: Okay, but, before I go… can I ask you something? Have you ever felt you’ve been part of a dream that was somehow coin-operated?
Shane: My heart says yes, but the rest of me wants to back slowly away.

Trish gets on the bus headed to the docks. Meanwhile, back in Louisiana, Stephanie is making trouble.

Stephanie: Shane! SHANE! Can you hear me? Have you noticed lately that Hunter is running around killing everybody’s pushes? He’s going to knock off the hopes of the entire midcard and all of Smackdown in Vegas. Plus, I doubt if Benoit is going to last all the way to WrestleMania. This will end his career one way or another, and I always thought it would be the writing that got him. Look who he’s with! Edge! Could you just imagine? Edge taking the Undisputed Title and spearing everyone until he goes nuts? But come on. Send over your guys from Velocity. Don’t let Smackdown die.

In San Francisco, Edge stands outside the Cow Palace and frowns.

Edge: I could have sworn there’d be a show here tonight.
Al Snow: Hell, I don’t know. I’m just counting my lucky stars that I get to put in a cameo.
Edge: Yeah, but you know that you’re totally going to die, right?
Snow: Yeah. Yeah.
Edge: So here we are. Right down the road from WrestleMania itself, with Triple H and Vince McMahon out to knock us off forever. What can we do? Nothing. It’s absolutely heinous.
Snow: “In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous….”
Edge: What?
Snow: I’m just practicing. I figure maybe I can get a job doing voice-over work.
Edge: Uh, whatever. (to Dreamer) And what about you? Huh? You here to represent Hunter or Vince?
Dreamer: What? No, no! We’re not representing either one!
Edge: Oh yeah? Whose side are you on, then?
Benoit: We come representing ourselves, though our closest association is Smackdown.
Edge: And you?
Dreamer: ECW, sir. Or OVW, now, I guess.
Edge: And what about the other guy? The one who looks like Gangrel?
Benoit: Are you talking about that awful wig Orton is wearing? I mean we were with a bunch of other guys before, like a stable, but now… not so much. But, hey, we rocked. We had Flair and Jericho and Tazz and Orton and Eddie and Chavo and Christian and-
Edge: Christian? What do you know about my brother?
Benoit: He was okay. Kind of whiny and annoying, but then again, in this company, who isn’t?
Edge: Oh yeah? Well now he’s dead.
Benoit: Really? That’s too bad.
Edge: Yeah, somebody totally put a cap in his ass.
Snow: Hey, we found that thing we talked about earlier.
Edge: Come with me, Mr. Benoit.

They walk up to the roof, Edge points down in a nearby alley where Bret Hart is digging through the trash.

Hitman: We used to come here all the time when I was in WCW. You can’t tell me there isn’t any Hitman merchandise in here. Come on.
Edge: Now that’s just gross. I’m planning on having my buddy Al slam a garbage can on his head.

Al Snow peeks around the street corner and waves at them.

Edge: So, what’ll it be? Shall I make Bret Pancakes?
Hitman: Aha! A Bret Teddy Bear. Come on, little buddy. We can be friends, can’t we? You won’t screw me.

Edge signals for Al to start, but Benoit stops him.

Benoit: No. Don’t. That’s Bret Friggin’ Hart, man. Where’s your sense of countrymanship? And you think he looks like Gangrel?
Edge: It was from far away and it was dark. What the hell has he done to his hair? And are those Hammer Pants?
Benoit: Hitman! Hey, buddy. Come on into the arena. I’m gonna buy you some popcorn.
Hitman: Popcorn? Really? Awesome.

Bret turns the corner and Al whacks him with Head.

Bret: OW!
Benoit: Don’t hurt him please. Hitman, come on! They won’t hurt you again!

Later that evening, Bret is dragged into Edge’s office.

Edge: Where were you chumpstains going?
Bret: Good question, where were we going?
Hitman: I told you to go away.
Edge: I’m not going anywhere.
Hitman: No, not you. Him.
Bret: Well, I’m not going anywhere either.
Edge: Of course you’re not.
Bret: Shut up for a second would you? I’m trying to get to the bottom of something.
Hitman: No, you shut up.
Edge: I did.
Hitman: Not you, him.
Snow: Me?
Hitman: I can’t believe Benoit screwed us.
Bret: Oh, Benoit screwed us all right, and I hope he breaks his neck again.
Hitman: That wouldn’t be very nice. After all he’s done.
Bret: What has he done? He stole our belt.
Edge: Belt?
Bret: The precious.

In a janitor’s closet, Benoit and Dreamer tire of playing spin the ammonia bottle.

Dreamer: You know what? Let’s kick down the door. I’ll distract everyone by hitting them with this mop and you can run off to ‘Mania. Quick, put on the belt and make the power go out.
Benoit: Oh yeah, that wouldn’t get Vince’s attention at all.
Dreamer: You got any better ideas?

The door swings open.

Edge: I’ve got one. Who’d have thunk it? Edge with an opportunity for the Undisputed Title. Can you imagine it? WWE Champion Edge?
Benoit: Hardly.
Dreamer: Oh, come on, Edge. Let Benoit keep the belt. We’re on our way to WrestleMania. He’s going to throw it away live on PPV. Let Benoit have this one little victory, won’t you?
Coach: Jonathan Coachman here with Edge, and Edge, I’ve gotta tell you, Phoenix is under attack!
Dreamer: There you go, let us go and you guys go off to Arizona.
Coach: Huh?
Edge: Or we take you on our charter plane with us. Let’s go.
Benoit: This isn’t going to end well. I can tell already.

To be continued...




Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
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Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 6390 days
Last activity: 5761 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.48
So, what? I only get "(with Jeb Tennyson Lund)" credit on OO? And not on any one of the previous three parts? This is no mere oversight; this is an outrage! And outrageous. And rage-outra inducing!

Why, I have half a mind to unwrite all those things. Just you wait until I get my time machine. Then you'll see!



The Obtuse Angle Archive.
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 2906 days
Last activity: 2774 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
    Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson Lund
    So, what? I only get "(with Jeb Tennyson Lund)" credit on OO? And not on any one of the previous three parts? This is no mere oversight; this is an outrage! And outrageous. And rage-outra inducing!

    Why, I have half a mind to unwrite all those things. Just you wait until I get my time machine. Then you'll see!


Hey, now. The W is subject to my cut-and-paste-halfassery, thus I don't even credit myself for writing it.

That's it though, when time comes to thank you at the end of the third one, you're getting nothing.



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
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